Tips for DH during labour. What to do and what not to do.

[GrooveIsInTheFart]

Dh is to some extent still in shock about the prospect of impending fatherhood and birth.

I wanted to show him this thread so he has some idea of what the labour and birth might be like.

We have been disappointed by the limited advice/classes avalible in our area.

So Mn, what does he need to know?

Good advice for Mr Groove on this thread.

If, whilst in early labour, Mrs Groove asks you to eat elsewhere because the smell is making her feel sick (even if it is just toast), do so. It is not personal, just a fact.

After the baby is born, do not immediately text everyone, unless Mrs Groove has agreed. Most particularly, do not spend half an hour on the phone to your DSis, who has called immediately on receiving the news, whilst your wife is waiting like a lemon in the bathroom for you to fetch the shower gel from the other bathroom. It makes you look a bit of a plonker to the MWs - you really should be cuddling with your pfb while DW gets cleaned up and into bed. (homebirth in my case).

Yes, you are likely not going to get much sleep in the first few nights especially, but please remember your wife is exhausted from late pregnancy and the very physical act of labour she has gone through to deliver your baby. You can cope with a little bit of sleep deprivation. The immediate reaction from you on the baby crying at 3am should be to leap out of bed and bring him/her to your wife for feeding. Do not roll over and snore whilst your wife is practically crying from the pain she is in due to all her muscles seizing up from labour and she is struggling to get up to attend to the baby. Do not subsequently get the hump when your wife states this was not appreciated - your tiredness and hers are not comparable at 24-hours post birth.

Bitter, moi? Not really, but the last two things really stick out for me and I will be ensuring no repeat come April when DS2 is born.

Apart from these things, DH was actually pretty good during labour although I had put certain things in handy places and told DH what was were. Of course, it went in one ear and out the other, so I did also get a tinsey bit irritated with having to repeat myself multiple times having been so organised.

dont say you are tired...
dont tell your partner to breathe (my hubby did that and got told to fuck off)
dont stand at the end of the bed, totally wordless and looking a\t you like a circus animal

Join in any active birth stuff she wants you to, even if you feel stupid. Read Juju Sundins birth skills book if she wants you to and get busy with the counting, stamping etc.

Don't realise your watch has no second hand for timing contractions and be unable to find something else suitable- download an appropriate app in good time.

Stuff will come out of every orifice.

If applicable, fill the birth pool early and quickly.

Don't fall asleep in the bathroom.

A half eaten packet of biscuits is a nice post-birth gift, but it doesn't sparkle like diamonds does it?

fab thread,

mr groove will have you believe he is tired already,

this is due to his broken sleep caused by my (mrs grooves) several nightly trips to the loo

mr groove is in for a shock when baby arrives.

Don't announce that you're hungry and you're off to buy a sandwich 'because it'll be ages before anything happens' when the midwife had just announced that the mother of your child is still only 5CM dilated despite being hooked up to a synto drip and in bleeding agony.

Don't listen to her when she decides in her delusional state that you should operate the TENS button for her. You'll turn it down at the height of a contraction and she may become violent.

Don't laugh at her when she abuses the midwife. Really not a good idea.

Do be patient and kind and prepared to be her advocate. And to talk it through with her afterwards, again and again. :)

Spagbol To be fair, after not eating for 24 hours, being in theatre straight after the birth and so not being offered any bloody tea and toast and then being wheeled to the ward after breakfast, if I'd been presented with half a packet of biscuits I think I would have cried with joy. Diamonds would have seemed a bit meh

Don't repeat everything the midwife says. It is annoying the first time (just breathe, take a moment to rest, use the gas) and I don't need to hear it again. Don't tell the midwife at 2 am that you are tired as Mrs Groove woke you up.

Mrs Groove is suffering, you may have to suffer right along side her. In silence. I didn't realise until afterwards that I had broken the skin on DH's upper arm with my fingernails. He didn't flinch or say a thing. He probably realised that saying 'ouch' whilst DS was crowning would have been a little ridiculous .

Tell Mrs Groove after what a bloody amazing job she has done and how proud of her you are.

Don't squeeze the hand with the cannula. Don't touch it at all, move to the other side if possible.
Don't let 4 members of your family visit when your wife has just moved to the postnatal ward. Keep visits short and don't let people handle the baby unless DW has offered herself.

yy to talk it through with her afterwards, over and over and try to remember as much as you can to fill in any gaps, please still be interested the 100th time.

Just be there really, for her and nothing else.

Make sure your dw gets as much sleep as she can afterwards even though she's on a high its mostly adrenaline, by afterwards I mean for about the first year as childbirth can really have an effect on health.

I'd disagree with a comment about not reminding your partner to breathe! Didn't think I'd need to be reminded, but through the pain and drugged up state I was in, but I found him reminding me to breathe through each contraction really kept me going and helped me focus on the breathing rather than the pain. I suppose he just needs to be ready to adapt to whatever is going on with you and the birth at the time.

My DH was really super during labour. He was right there next to me for all of the most painful 7 hours. Before that we played cards which helped pass time! He rubbed my back which was rather sore and this also provided reassurance and consistency. He also was right there with the gas and air on hand every time I stuck out my hand :) Love my hubby to bits. He was just there for me all the time. He was amazing.

Some good tips here MrGroove. I would like to add that your job on paternity leave is to be MrsGrooves' butler, allowing her to rest, look after the baby and recover from a very physically and mentally draining experience. If she's breastfeeding you need to fetch her drinks and snacks whilst she's pinned to the sofa. DO NOT put said drinks and snacks slightly out of reach or at the side of the arm she's holding the baby with then disappear for half an hour, this will make her cry, even if you disappeared to do something vaguely useful.

Also when DH went back to work he would make me toast every morning and hold DS whilst I ate it, best thing ever on the odd days this didn't happen I often didn't eat for the first time till very late.

Oh and the description of childbirth ad being like a 'scene from platoon' isn't funny the first time never mind the 100th. Poor DH I think he was a bit traumatised!

Just do as you're told.

Totally agree about Mr Groove being the butler. This probably goes for the first two years six months as well.

Having been a mum twice and a birth partner 5 times I would say .....
That the best course of action is to position yourself where requested to and stay there unless ordered differently.
Don't expect conversation, or answers to your solicitous requests.
Offer water with straw in, don't expect Groove to turn her head to make it easier.
Some poo will come out of Groove a while before the baby does. Don't mention it, as some other wise soul here has said. It's a necessary thing.
Make sure there are enough snacks/drinks for you too in the birthing bag - you can't eat Groove's and you're about to run a marathon.
Keep positioning cushions etc to make sure she's getting enough support.
And don't be upset when she chucks them all on the floor.

One of the most useful positions can be with Groove's head in your lap, her kneeling on the floor with her bum in the air. From this position you can massage her back where it's needed. Expect commands and no thank yous.

Good luck Mr Groove!
Don't disappear to take or make phone calls, move the car or get a snack. Just quietly look after your own needs without making a performance about it. Make sure that you are focused on Mrs G- she should not have to drag you away from fascinating conversations with the nurses etc.
If there is any complication don't assume that Mrs G is following what is going on. Make sure she is in the loop if some intervention is suddenly being planned or if your baby is born and needs extra assistance.
Don't invite some random guy you vaguely know from work to hang out at the hospital for two hours the day after the birth.
Once the baby is out, you can do everything it needs except breastfeeding. The more you do - eg changing lots of nappies, the faster and more efficient you will get at it and the more your wife and baby will love you! Fact.

Do make sure you know how to place the tens machine and switch it on, without "testing" it on yourself.

Do hide some snacks for Mrs G in the bag you take to hospital. I would have kissed Mr Jaffa if I'd been able to stand up when he produced a box of cereal bars after I'd been told I'd missed dinner on the ward and there wasn't any food available until breakfast the next day.

get Mr Groove to ask the MW what to say to you during the labour.
I had no idea how to push, because no one explained it to me.
i think if DH had asked the mws how i should be doing it, he could relay it to me.

Don't be there until you're needed. Labour is long and boring and your wife may well be better supported by another female so don't be too upset if you have to eat sandwiches and read for hours on end. Your wife will want you there for the big event which is the last 10 minutes of a very long labour, so don't go wandering off either.

Do not, two days in to a three day labour, when Groove says "I can't do this any more" reply "well, what do you want me to do about it, have the baby for you?".

Give him a note book & get him to take timeline notes - you will want to cheerfully rip his head off & likely scream at him for the noise it makes scribbling away, but you WILL thank him for it later, as you lose all concept of time, so it makes for very interesting reading

for example, my getting very angry with him & the midwife, for insisting I got off the loo, after only 10 minutes - was actually over 4 hours

Mr Groove,

Do not put the kettle on when Mrs Groove tells you that wereallyneedtogotothehospitalNOW.

Try to drive over as few bumps as possible if you have to drive anywhere.

Do add a couple of drops of peppermint oil to some chilled water use it to cool her fevered brow when the going gets hot.

Be calm. Look forward to the experience.

oh & if your labour is very long, & goes through more than one night - tell him at no point is it okay to say
"well pet, if you can't sleep for the contractions, would you mind if I use the bed & put my head down for an hour" -

having just come off a late work shift & not had any sleep, will NEVER be an excuse

Oh I have just remembered some more.

Don't feel you have to describe how uncomfortable the hospital chair is, we don't care.

And 'what goes on in the labour room,stays in the labour room', unless Mrs Groove shares details with friends and relatives it is NOT your place to recount to ANYONE what came out of her mouth/bum/fanjo!

Make sure you are awake in at least ONE post birth baby photo, seriously with DS2 every photo has DH napping in the background!

Good luck!

And another I've remembered ?

When the Midwife asks Mrs Groove do you want t he placenta, lots eat it these days don't butt in, with a loud, shocked, high pitched voice EEE NO PET, WE ARE VEGETARIANS - it will get you the look of death & have Mrs Groove want to seriously harm you for being so thick - even if she does go on to dine out on it for years to come

Don't drive to the wrong hospital.
I was a mile from the wrong one before I realized.

Dh just said ' why didn't you say something sooner?'

The answer was because I was half lying on the back seat no seeing what was happening.

He could have been taking me to Jupiter for all I knew!

Work out the way to the hospital and don't dawdle along on the way there (my mum still holds a grudge against my deceased-for-twenty-years grandad, who refused to drive over 20 as it was dark, whilst she laboured in the back of the car. She hasn't forgiven my dad for not checking that their own car was roadworthy before she went into labour)

Familiarise yourself with any technology e.g. Tens machine. Don't show off to the other birth partner and electrocute your wife with it by accident as your son is crowning.

Be confident, calm and reassuring even if your wife is screaming she can't do it any more and would like everyone to fuck the fuck off to the far side of fucking fuck.

Make sure that food, water and flannels are available at all times.

Tell your wife she is a freaking goddess after the birth. Look into her bloodshot eyes and tell her she has never looked more beautiful and you have never loved her more. Whenever anyone asks about the birth tell them that Mrs Grooves was absolutely fantastic and you are in total awe. Never mention a)the shit, b)the blood or c)anything stupid she might have said under the influence of narcotics.

Read all the books you can so you don't have to ask loads of stupid questions when your wife is in the middle of a rhinoceros through a postbox experience.

Hide some of her favourite, most craved food for afterwards. When I was cradling new DD, DH brought in the smelliest blue cheese ever (the rest of the ward hated me) as well as plenty of fresh fruit adn crackers.

Don't try and fix her pain or negate it in any way. When I was struggling with a long labour and began to cry, DH didn't offer me anything, he just took me in his arms and held me and that was when I realised that I'm glad he is my DH