Who would you have at birth if your DP/DH couldn't be there?

[Kayzr]

I have asked this before but wanted to talk a bit more about it.

DP works away. DC3 is due 21st June and his expected relief date is the 30th June. So unless I go more than a week overdue he will certainly not be here.

We've come to terms with that, we always knew there was a chance of him being away for the birth.

So I am thinking about what to do during birth. I am having a home water birth providing everything is fine between now and then.

I think I have 4 options really.

1. Do it alone with the MWs. Not all that keen on this idea but will do it if I have to.

1. Ask my Mum to be my birth partner. I am quite happy with this idea but I am worried about Mum. My friend had her Mum and she didn't cope with seeing her DD in pain of labour.

1. My friend has said she will come and be my birth partner. I appreciate it but it feels a bit strange. I wouldn't even want DP down that end of things but I don't know why but something feels weird.

1. We save a bit of money and hire a Doula. I have found a local trainee that charges £350 for the birth and for 15 hours of post-natal support which I will find handy as I really struggled with breastfeeding the boys and am desperate to BF this one.

I really don't know what to do. The Doula is very tempting but then it is £350 that could go towards something else. We need a new car and that would be very helpful.

Which would you pick?

Thanks

Mum! Anytime. Mine hated watching me in pain but she was the only one who got what I was going through but also fought my corner valiantly when needed. She also calms and soothes me and I don't mind being vulnerable in front of her. In absence of DH ofcourse she would be my first choice. Always.
It is distressing but she knows that each contraction takes you closer to baby!

I would at least ask your Mum what she thinks about the idea. If you'd be happy with your Mum, and she thinks she'd do a good job....then I'd save the £350 I think.

My mum was there for both my births, along with DH, but if he hadn't been there she's definitely the one I would have chosen.

There are one or poss two v good friends who I would trust too, but only as a back-up.

I'd pick a doula, Especially for the antenatal help

I had my mum and DH. DH was meant to be at work at it didn't seem likely he'd be able to be there. My mum was excellent and looked after DH for me. It also meant the world to her to see her first grandchild being born.

My mum was there when I had my first two dc. She was brilliant.

If I had to do it again I would do it alone (with mw).I love peace and quiet during labour and hate to be fussed.

I don't think I'd want anyone else there if DH couldn't be. Given how long it went on the first time, I don't feel like there's anyone I could count on to slog it through with me.

My mom is the obvious choice, but seeing that she's in the US it really wouldn't happen. Plus she wouldn't leave her new husband for 5 minutes, and I couldn't give birth knowing she might drag him into the room at any minute.

Bizarrely, the only other person that comes up in my mind is my XH. We didn't have children together, and following him nearly dying we've become good friends again. He came to the hospital to see me when I was quite ill and was a good distraction. So maybe he could visit for a bit and leave for the really gory stuff. But he's deathly afraid of blood, and it would probably be weird, so perhaps not.

No, I go with my first answer, on my own.

I would choose Option 1.

Err, sorry OP, got into my own train of thought and didn't really say what I thought you should do!

I'd go with the doula in your situation, the extra help could be great after when you're working on breastfeeding.

Another vote for your mum. Chances are she will be fine, your friend was unlucky. I had my stepmum with me for my first and she was great (xp was in the corridor trying not to faint).

Looks like most people would have their Mum. I will be seeing her tomorrow so will see what she thinks.

I had my mum there for DC1 (because OH was in A&E with concussion after he fainted on me so I pushed him into a wall) she was a nurse and still couldn't deal with the emotion which wasn't too helpful, I would consider the doula. If it helps Breastfeeding you can make some of the money back saving on formula!!

My order would be
1 mum
2 friend
3 alone
no to four

Oh ideally I would be having the baby in hospital with mum looking after the other kids while I hired a private room for a couple of days.

(which is near enough what I did last time)

I had my mum and DP. Every time I looked over at her she was crying though....

Mum

No my Dad, stepdad or XH will be having the boys. Unless I give birth overnight.

I have a fine but distant relationship with my mum so I would opt for either 1 or 4

the first time i gave birth, my Dh couldn't make it, so it was my Mum. In actual fact there are many good points about having your mum instead of a bloke.

she could help me position the baby to feed, showed appropriate sympathy having been there herself etc etc.. in this respect much better than a bloke.

i am not sure if a doula wouldn't be a better idea..because my births went fine, and therefore no greater experience was required, but had it gone tits up a bit more knowledge of modern childbirth practices would have been beneficial..though if you are thinking of the trainee end of doulas maybe that wouldn't be such a plus.

i wouldn't do it without a partner -it is associated with worse outcomes.

I had my mum, but she is a retired nurse and from a medical point of view unflappable. If you think your mum may gibber in a corner, hire a duola.

I did it alone and was amazingly well cared for by mws. Not what I'd choose but with hindsight poss better than a v. Traumatic time for dh.

Ask you mum and see what she says. I had my mum with me every time, and I really appreciated having her there.

You could always go in alone and see how you go- I'm sure if you phoned either your mum or your friend they would be quite happy to come, especially your friend if she offered.

Good luck!

I had my mum and DH for my first DS - my mum was amazing (so was DH), and like someone else said upthread, they pipe up and fight for you. It was my mum who overheard MWs talking between themselves about the fact it might end up being EMCS and my mum said that they should ask me (I hadn't progressed past 8cm for 4 hours even on syntocin). I was so happy when they asked me as I was past coherent thought. They said they were thinking of leaving me for another hour as DS wasn't in distress. Thank goodness my mum has bat like hearing!

That being said, if you think your mum won't be able to handle seeing you in pain to the point where she won't be able to support you, then I would go for a doula.