Who would you have at birth if your DP/DH couldn't be there?

[Kayzr]

I have asked this before but wanted to talk a bit more about it.

DP works away. DC3 is due 21st June and his expected relief date is the 30th June. So unless I go more than a week overdue he will certainly not be here.

We've come to terms with that, we always knew there was a chance of him being away for the birth.

So I am thinking about what to do during birth. I am having a home water birth providing everything is fine between now and then.

I think I have 4 options really.

1. Do it alone with the MWs. Not all that keen on this idea but will do it if I have to.

1. Ask my Mum to be my birth partner. I am quite happy with this idea but I am worried about Mum. My friend had her Mum and she didn't cope with seeing her DD in pain of labour.

1. My friend has said she will come and be my birth partner. I appreciate it but it feels a bit strange. I wouldn't even want DP down that end of things but I don't know why but something feels weird.

1. We save a bit of money and hire a Doula. I have found a local trainee that charges £350 for the birth and for 15 hours of post-natal support which I will find handy as I really struggled with breastfeeding the boys and am desperate to BF this one.

I really don't know what to do. The Doula is very tempting but then it is £350 that could go towards something else. We need a new car and that would be very helpful.

Which would you pick?

Thanks

I have a doula, and my best friend around for the birth, I don't expect the friend to be with me though, she will be with DS.

I wouldn't have my mum, because I have to play the good daughter around her (living up to her expectations) she had fast, easy births and thinks there is no need to make any noise or fuss, I would feel too inhibited around her.

I did have a friend on standby for my last birth, lovely lady, had 5 kids herself, but when the time came I didn't want to bother her, or have her see me in labour.

If you are interested in a doula, you could see if any other mentored doulas are in your area, the rates differ, or ask the one you have found if she will just do the birth package for you. I'm a MD myself and I can see the reasoning behind putting birth and postnatal together, but I wouldn't turn down a birth of the mother couldn't afford PN.

Future She seems to be the only Doula anywhere near me. She does the birth for £200. I think thats all a mentored one can charge isn't it for a birth?

Mum has said she's quite happy to do it.

I'd go for a doula, or one particular friend. I love my mum dearly, and she's had 5 of her own so knows what's what but I wouldn't feel comfortable with her there for some reason. I think I'd feel a bit compelled to do what she wanted me to do and that would worry me as I would want to be supported in what I would want to do, rather than what she thought was best for me (as my mum and as someone who has had more children)

Also I don't think she's keen on the whole homebirth thing and that would be a problem as I think she'd be quite twitchy and wanting to go to the hospital.

My eldest sister. My mum would be awful with sympathetic sighs and not speaking on my behalf but completely pandering to mw or dr.

Sorry um, your mum if you're close x

I wouldn't want my sister there in a million years. We do not get on despite living 150 miles apart. Bloody woman

I am very close to my Mum. We see each other at least once a week and she is a fab Nanny to my boys.

I would have my mum. I'm not sure how she would handle me being in pain but i know she would be really good with all the supportive "you're doing really well" type comments and hand squeezing.

It depends on your relationship with your mum. Mine is ok but I'd still go for a doula or even one of my 2 best friends.

I would be more than happy to go it alone tbh, the only reason DH comes is because he wants to, he is lovely and we couldnt be a closer couple, but i just didnt need support other than the medically trained variety...if you feel like you do and the doula could help with breast feeding too...well formula is £9 a tin and one a week will add up quite quickly so add that into your costs to justify it abit more if that helps?

Hope everything goes well for you whatever you decide to do

My mum was in the flat when I had dd2, everytime she popped her head round the door to see how I was getting on it slowed me down.

For me it was like my mum watching me french kiss or have sex. It freaked me out. That might be my issues with my mum though.

With dc3 I was looking like going past my due date and my dh had to work overseas, so I asked the midwife if I could go to 43+ so my dh would be back and they were fine about it. That was a hb.

Hi Kayz

Having had a home waterbirth, I would go with the option of having someone there rather than just MW. In your shoes, if money allowed, I'd have a doula I think as my mum wouldnt be up for it and Im not sure I have the right friend to be a partner.

Assuming its the same in your area, the 2nd MW only comes for the delivery bit so if it goes on a bit you may want two people encouraging you. I can clearly remember almost losing focus when either one of my DH or the MW left the room. Its like I needed 2 people to hold me together

Also who will manage the birthing pool? My DH had a big job filling it, topping it up with hot water, checking the temp etc... You also need to know who will chuck it in the garden it clear out after too- doubt you will want or be up to doing that.

Good luck Kayz xx

If you're happy with her being there then you can always ask her. If she agrees, you can say that if she gets uncomfortable seeing you in pain/it's too much for her, she's to go get a cup of tea!
I personally wouldn't want my mum there. We're not close and I wouldn't feel comfortable with her around. I'll be going with no one if DH can't make it, but then I have been assured that there will be a midwife with me at all times and I won't be left alone (am going to be in hospital).

I think if you're close to your mum then that's a good option. Personally I wouldn't be able to stand it as she's never laboured, but she'd be fab through an ELCS...

Otherwise I'd vote doula.

The ONLY person i would have other than OH would be a doula

no way would my mum, or any other person i know be there.

hi kayz

i would go with doula as long as u have the money
i do get on with my mum but she isnt very sympathetic with ill pain etc
so i would have a doula if dh couldnt be there

My first choice if Husband couldn't be there would be my sister - the woman is completely unflappable and my polar opposite! And also very sympathetic.

Depends if you and your Mum share the same outlook towards childbirth. If you want a drug-free birth and your mum is of the view that the doctors know best and you need an epidural whilst strapped to the bed (or vice versa), then she's going to struggle to give you the support you need no matter how close you are.

Likewise with a Doula - if you click and feel comfortable then this would a good option as she won't be emotionally involved and shouldn't be basing her support/advice on her own childbirth views. But if you don't click, then it could be a disaster.

Is there a breast feeding group near you where you could get support?

Nope there's no breastfeeding group. There used to be but the hospital stopped them using the room there due to money saving.

There's one in the city near here but it's 45 minutes drive and I don't drive.