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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

My baby was born 1 week ago and no immediate love very worried

45 replies

Moomin1000 · 17/01/2012 20:47

hi I had my baby a week ago via forceps delivery! Since then I have had a slow recovery as I required a epistomy, 4th degree internal tear, a nice collection if piles and I lost a litre of blood! I feel utterly exhausted and un pain!!!
I'm worried u did not immediately fall in love with her and although I care about her now I havnt got this lioness love all my friends say they had! Why is this? I've wanted a baby for so long and it feels so strange please advice me

OP posts:

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GwennieF · 17/01/2012 20:50

Don't worry, it'll come. It took a few months with my first but was instant with DD.... It's different for everyone but it'll creep up on you...

You've had a tough time, just don't stress about it.

jenrendo · 17/01/2012 20:50

Honestly please don't worry. I had an extremely long labour and the same delivery as you and I was utterly exhausted for weeks afterwards. I felt the same as you did and wondered why we had wanted a baby so much when I didn't feel the immediate rush of love that you're 'meant' to feel. It will come the more bonding you do with your baby, don't worry. Just spend lots of time of time skin to skin, gazing at her and cuddling her. You will be amazed how quickly you adore her. Congratulations!

NewYearsRevolution · 17/01/2012 20:51

Oh god, it's horrid isn't it? I felt much like this with DD1. Logically I knew I loved her- as in would protect her, would look after her, would be devastated if anything happened to her. But no rush of love.

It's pretty common, especially after a traumatic labour (don't want to make assumptions you found it traumatic, but it sounds it rather!). My first labour wasn't as bad, but pretty nasty.

Be reassured, there have been loads of people on here writing similar threads. It comes, with time. Just be gentle on yourself and rest. It's a bit like meeting your DP/DH. Sometimes it's love at first sight and sometimes it take a while.

DD1 is 2.5 now and I adore her with all my heart. DD2- wow. Total rush of instant love.

Catsdontcare · 17/01/2012 20:52

I would imagine you are feeling a bit shell shocked from it all, try not to give yourself a hard time.

It's early days but if you still feel worried in a few weeks please do talk to someone about it, don't suffer by yourself.

Tranquilidade · 17/01/2012 20:53

Don't worry OP. I had a hard time with DS and felt just like you, I cared but felt almost a bit stunned or bemused in a way. It did just creep up on me too as Gwennie said. With my DD it was an easier birth and I felt the bond much quicker.

tribpot · 17/01/2012 20:56

Mine came on gradually as well - your brain has so many different things to process now. Just give it time.

HereIGo · 17/01/2012 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackSwan · 17/01/2012 20:59

Love is secondary at this stage - what matters most is survival! Hang in there, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing great.

thinneratforty · 17/01/2012 21:04

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I too didn't feel immediate love with my second dd. She was eight weeks premature and spent two weeks in special care. Honestly, I didn't feel a rush of love for her until she was 21 months old. It just didn't happen. She's now nearly four and I could not love her more if I tried. It took a long time, but it's here now. Honestly I won't worry, it will come. Like Blackswan says, don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing great.

topknob · 17/01/2012 21:06

Oh darling, please don't worry, 13 years ago I had my 1st when I was 20 and I was like WTF !!! what do I do with this ....it will come, I promise x

whattodoo · 17/01/2012 21:12

Another one here who had a very similar experience. Over time, my all-encompassing love did develop.
My regret is that I over compensated by filling days with groups, visits etc. I guess I thought that because I wasn't loving her enough I should instead fill her time with activities that would stimulate her.
I didn't give myself and DD enough 'just the two of us' time to just cuddle, rest, gaze at each other etc.
Every one is different, but i'm certain that more time alone with my DD would have helped the bonding process enormously.

lollystix · 17/01/2012 21:13

second what everyone has said - felt the same with DS1 after horrible labour and felt like an alien when all the other postnatal mums were so in love. It does come and I disctinctly remember being very pregnant with DS2 2 years on and feeling so worried that I would never be able to love him as much as DS1.

Also its hard as it's someone that you don't 'know' - they're part of the family but they're also a stranger in a sense as you don't know what they are like and what they are thinking. Once you get some smiles at 8 weeks or before it will help.

bigredtractor · 17/01/2012 21:13

Congratulations- I felt the same with my DS after a textbook delivery, no intervention.

It is so difficult to describe but I felt almost indifferent, complacent, detached somehow. Now, I would clamber over razor wire in my bare feet for him! Take plenty of time- you have to get to know eachother and it will develop over time.

And guess what? That is ABSOLUTELY fine and normal. Don't fret.

brdgrl · 17/01/2012 21:14

Don't distress yourself over this, please. You are exhausted, and you are hurting.
A week is not that long; I can barely remember those first days, to be honest, although I do remember on the horrible third day, when I couldn't feed her, thrusting the baby at my partner and saying "I can't do this, take her back to the hospital." I was so, so tired and I was trying to please everyone who wanted to visit the baby, when what I really wanted was to be alone with her and also to sleep.
Let your self heal up physically. If you still feel concerned, then talk to your health visitor. You might find you just need a bit of support. I had a CPN who came to the house for the first year of DD's life, which was very helpful.

lollystix · 17/01/2012 21:15

I did that too whattodoo

IceColdToes · 17/01/2012 21:17

Your post could have been me 8 years ago. Very very similar. The difference is I didn't know about mumsnet and I thought I couldn't take painkillers as I was breastfeeding.... It took me about 5 weeks to fall in love with DS1 - once the stitches and piles were sorted and I'd had a bit of sleep. I had a completely different experience with DS2. I adored him from the moment I set eyes on him. But I love them both the same now and DS1 need never know about those first few weeks - nothing can prepare you for it.

Take care. Rest when you can. It gets much much better xxx

Elsjas · 17/01/2012 21:22

Like everyone else says, don't worry. It took a while for me to fall in love with dc1. She was a ventouse delivery, everything hurt, breast feeding took a while to establish, I hadn't really spent a lot of time with babies so I didn't know what to do and I had just left a high profile job where I was very much in control. Being responsible for such a tiny human being was overwhelming.

But it slowly came, and then I couldn't imagine loving anything else as much ever. Then dc2 came along and I could open up instantly and it was wonderful. I love them both equally and with all my heart. It will come for you too. Take it easy, rest, spend lots of time with your lovely new baby and take advantage of any help offered to you.

scottishmummy · 17/01/2012 21:22

Take care,and if still not feeling self in a week see GP
but you have had a difficult physical birth,it's emotionally draining
The immediate whoosh isn't everyone experience

pickledparsnip · 17/01/2012 21:24

Please don't worry. It takes time to fall in love, doesn't always happen immediately. I didn't feel that rush when my son was born, I was bloody petrified! It snuck up on me over a matter of months. It will happen.

Gincognito · 17/01/2012 21:24

Hello, another one here who didn't feel an instant rush of love. I was exhausted and shell-shocked and wanted to crawl away somewhere to sleep for a month.

He's 14 months now and boy do I love him! For me it happened gradually. It's considered a taboo but there are lots of us out here. Bathe with your baby, retire to your bed with them if you can and just trust that it will happen - because it will.

Are you being looked after? How is feeding going? Have you got the right pain medication, ice packs for your knickers etc? Are you eating and drinking enough?

NoGoodAtHousework · 17/01/2012 21:35

Congratulations.

I know how you feel, I was the same, tbh although I love my DS more than anything and would do anything for him, I too do t have that 'rush of love' that everyone spoke about (particularly the breastfeeding support people) I don't think it's a bad thing, it's just who you (we) are.

Also when you're feeling more yourself, you may find the feelings you expected come. I thought I'd feel so much more strongly because of how desperate for a child I'd been but it just wasn't as I expected, still great, just different.

FannyFifer · 17/01/2012 21:44

Awwww don't feel worried, on DD i had episiotomy plus massive tear, then not healing, infections blah blah blah.
I felt like I was just going through the motions, was very detached from her for prob first 6 weeks, put on a good show to others though.
Once I was healed, no pain etc the strong feelings all came.
I felt rotten as it had been immediate with DS.

LAbaby · 17/01/2012 23:33

My son is six months now and I adore him. It took me four months to feel that way though. Don't feel guilty, your baby is still a stranger to you. When you get to know her you will develop feelings for her.

I also had a traumatic birth with ventouse delivery and read something in a book that helped me - it simply said that if a bear had gone through that amount of trauma they would have eaten the cub! Sounds silly but it made me reassess my feelings. I didn't love my son but I did feel protective of him, the love came with time.

Beamur · 17/01/2012 23:38

You are not alone.
I recall feeling slightly bemused but quite protective of my new baby, quite keen to hand her over to other people for a cuddle so I could have a break from it.
By about 4 months old, I was completely obsessed with her and boring all and sundry with a minute assessment of her every movement.
It took several weeks for the vague interest I had to blossom into love - it took me a while to get to know her.
Just look after yourself and your baby and relax - talk to your health visitor if you are worried.

MrsPradz · 18/01/2012 00:11

I wish I'd found this thread a year and a half ago when I was in your shoes. Very similar birthing experience, literally had near death experience during labour and ended up in theatre with failed ventouse, episiotomy, forceps delivery and fourth degree tear. Was so traumatised following birth, begged for counselling but no one listened and felt absolutely no love for dd. would never have hurt her but after loving being pregnant, I just felt dd's arrival a huge anticlimax. Like others have said, I didn't feel any connection to her. Googled like mad to see if ths was normal. 18 months on, I couldn't feel more different. The joy, the pleasure that fills my heart when I see her play. The other day, she came up to me and gave me a kiss and a cuddle for the first time without being prompted. Oh the love I feel now is immeasurable. I made the decision to not return to wrk and 18 months at home with her - though hard work, has helped build the bond. I promise you, it will come in time. Focus on healing yourself and when you can, cuddle her, sing to her, stroke her. Skin to skin has an amazing effect over time! Congrats and best wishes.

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