I am traumatised

[Xmasbaby11]

I had my first baby 8 days ago. It was a difficult labour and every time I think about it, it's a struggle not to cry. It's traumatised me to the extent that I can't imagine having another child, even though I had wanted two. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, but it was agonising and terrifying. I feel quite ashamed of myself for feeling this way as I'm sure other women go through the same or worse. Has anyone else felt like this, and please tell me if you start to recover emotionally?

Summary of my labour:

Waters broke evening of 40 + 13. Contractions started soon after and were frequent and strong. I was up all night and no pain relief (tens, paracetamol) helped.

Next day 10am: into hospital. Only 3cm dilated and the midwife said I was already tired so they put me on morphine so that I could doze. I did doze but it also made me violently sick and anti nausea injection didn't work.

Few hours later: Not much progress. Another half dose of morphine.

Later still: slow progress but mw said too late for more morphine, so I had gas and air. It did nothing for me - pain still terrible and just made me dehydrated. Still very sick. I was in stirrups by this point.

Later still (evening 40 + 14): mw decides labour has gone on too long (waters broke more than 24h before) so intervention needed. In short I was induced, had epidural, big episiotomy, and forceps delivery which hurt like hell.

Baby born early hours of 40 + 14, about 30 hours after waters broke.

She weighed 10lb and needed antibiotics as she had swallowed gunk from being inside me so long. She was healthy though. They said 10lb was a large baby so it was always going to be a difficult labour.

People have said well done for a vaginal delivery, but I don't feel that I have done well as I never really had any choice and was crying a lot of the time. Am I ever going to feel better about it? I haven't seen many friends yet and I am dreading being asked about the birth as I'm sure I will burst into tears.

Sorry, very long post. Any similar stories or experiences welcomed. I am crying as I write this.

Well done for accepting that you have been traumatised - it's the first step to sorting out your feelings about the birth.

I had a c-section a couple of days after a friend, and she has made a miraculous recovery despite her op being objectively 'worse' than mine. Mine was elective, hers was after 26 hours of labour. I lost 1.5 litres of blood but no transfusion, she needed general anaesthetic and a blood transfusion. I felt (feel) like a failure for still being in pain weeks afterwards. I was told my baby was starving because I wasn't feeding him enough and had a panic attack and hyperventilated when a breastfeeding counsellor tried to assist. My friend just looks like such a natural mum, perfectly happy, chilled baby who can be taken out and about.

Anyway I'm trying to say that it's not helping me process my difficult experience by comparing my experience with someone else - as posters are saying, it's your experience to make sense of.

Muslin just to let you know your friends transfusion is prob a major factor in why she seems to be found better than you.

They hoped I would not need one but after 2 days i wasn't getting any better. They gave me 2 units of blood and I went from needing assistance to walk from one side of the bed to the other to my family arriving as I was returning from fetching my own breakfast from the opposite end of the unit in a matter of hours. Do not underestimate the affect of anemia.

You are no failure!

8 days is no time at all - it took me 14 months to feel ready to have another baby. One day you might find that your feelings change, but even after a straightforward in-and-out-in-6-hours delivery, many women are definitely never having another. Don't think about that yet, deal with this birth first and give yourself time :)

Definitely go for the debrief, and for counselling if necessary. I wish I had after DD's birth:

Planned homebirth, induction at 42+1, 17 hours on a syntocinon drip with an LOL baby, epidural for 12 hours, ended up with episiotomy which extended into a 3a tear through forceps delivery, PPH and manual removal of placenta under spinal anaesthetic. It's only since being pregnant with DC2 that I have realised just how traumatic I found the thought of the forceps being used and the sensation of the placenta removal - even now I am not over that, and I am basing my plan for this birth almost entirely around trying to avoid another retained placenta. For me, the knowledge of what was going on 'down there' absolutely sickens me, even today.

It's really bloody hard to come to terms with the fact that it didn't go the same way as you think everyone else's labour did. But the thing is, no two labours are the same and no two women are the same. You've done an amazing thing - you have made, carried and birthed a baby. The fact that you and DD required some help at the end isn't a failure and it doesn't make what you have done any less amazing.

Bursting into tears when friends ask you about the birth is fine and perfectly normal. You might find that some friends open up about things that happened to them, that in fact their births weren't all textbook (even though they might have said they were before).

Don't bottle this up - talk about it until people are sick of hearing about it if you have to. When you talk, don't let people discount your feelings by saying 'well, at least you have a healthy baby' because of course that's really bloody important - but so are you :)

Ooh - and think about getting copies of your notes to help you make sense of it all in your own time.

I found that getting them helped me understand what happened and how the cascade of intervention progressed - without them I wouldn't have known that DD was in the LOL position rather than LOA, or that the lovely, lovely MW had written that I was pushing well. Knowing DD was in an odd position and that I was pushing well told me that the problem was more likely with how DD was lying rather than my efforts, so made it easier to deal with WHY I had a forceps delivery (just not the thought of them having been 'in there' in the first place IYSWIM)

what weetabix said

'At the time I felt there was a conspiracy of silence about childbirth from other Mums and from the midwives who ran the classes I attended before the birth. I was soooooo angry with the lot of them.'

me too.

I really appreciate everyone's messagesi and reassurance that so many women can get past this.

Since I first posted, I have talked through the birth with DH, DM and the midwife, and I feel more able to discuss it objectively and express how I felt at the different stages. I'm not exactly 'there' and I am still trying to strengthen the bond with DD, but with every day I am getting more perspective.

Thank you.

That sounds good XMasbaby. Look after yourself x