I am traumatised

[Xmasbaby11]

I had my first baby 8 days ago. It was a difficult labour and every time I think about it, it's a struggle not to cry. It's traumatised me to the extent that I can't imagine having another child, even though I had wanted two. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, but it was agonising and terrifying. I feel quite ashamed of myself for feeling this way as I'm sure other women go through the same or worse. Has anyone else felt like this, and please tell me if you start to recover emotionally?

Summary of my labour:

Waters broke evening of 40 + 13. Contractions started soon after and were frequent and strong. I was up all night and no pain relief (tens, paracetamol) helped.

Next day 10am: into hospital. Only 3cm dilated and the midwife said I was already tired so they put me on morphine so that I could doze. I did doze but it also made me violently sick and anti nausea injection didn't work.

Few hours later: Not much progress. Another half dose of morphine.

Later still: slow progress but mw said too late for more morphine, so I had gas and air. It did nothing for me - pain still terrible and just made me dehydrated. Still very sick. I was in stirrups by this point.

Later still (evening 40 + 14): mw decides labour has gone on too long (waters broke more than 24h before) so intervention needed. In short I was induced, had epidural, big episiotomy, and forceps delivery which hurt like hell.

Baby born early hours of 40 + 14, about 30 hours after waters broke.

She weighed 10lb and needed antibiotics as she had swallowed gunk from being inside me so long. She was healthy though. They said 10lb was a large baby so it was always going to be a difficult labour.

People have said well done for a vaginal delivery, but I don't feel that I have done well as I never really had any choice and was crying a lot of the time. Am I ever going to feel better about it? I haven't seen many friends yet and I am dreading being asked about the birth as I'm sure I will burst into tears.

Sorry, very long post. Any similar stories or experiences welcomed. I am crying as I write this.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I think it is very easy to overlook the physical effects/traumas of giving birth. Not only have you been on a hormonal rollercoaster over the last few days as well as being on a huge (and almost impossibly steep) learning curve re: caring for your baby, but you have been doing all this while recovering from something akin to a car crash.
If you had been in any other medical situation which required the use of morphine, surgical intervention, stitches, blood loss, bruising etc. etc., you would be going very easy on yourself. You would expect to feel shocked and traumatised. Your friends and relations would step up to ensure you could rest and recover, they would send you "Get well soon" cards, tuck you up in bed and tell you to look after yourself.
However, because you have only given birth, there is an expectation that you will take it all in your stride, that all is fine and that you are making a bit of a fuss by being shocked and upset.

I think your reaction is very normal. Keep talking to people (my AN class friends were invaluable for rehashing birth experiences), take up the offer of a debrief when you feel ready and trust that your mind and body will recover as you physically and mentally heal. It is very early days at the moment.

You will feel better about it!! I had a pretty bad time with my first - ended up with episiotomy (which tore) and ventouse delivery. It took so long DS ended up in special care for a week and I need a blood transfusion. Admittedly at first I couldn't contemplate a second (it took nearly 6 months to have sex But gradually the memories fade. You form a unique relationship with your lo and gradually I began to realise that I still wanted no. 2. I was by then of the view that nothing could be as bad as that first one!! Don't forget you are more experienced the second time round - it really does make a difference. Please give it time. You are still in shock, completely exhaussted and in pain - of course no. 2 doesn't seem like a good idea.
Hope you feel much better soon and try and enjoy your DD. Try and get as much rest as you can.

I had a very traumatic delivery with DS and I would say that it is very very early days at this stage but the debriefing session really did help me. I had flashbacks and panic attacks, and the debriefing session helped me to work through those and recover. I still have the odd panic attack but DS will be one soon and we hope to start trying for another baby (after saying never again). The first few weeks are a blur, but just keep talking to MW, HV and they will be able to help you as will your GP. Once you have talked to people you can really start to put things right and if there is to be a next time they can help you to plan for that. As well as other details that I won't go into, I had bad reactions to pretty much everything, gas and air, drugs etc and they have made sure that this will be noted for next time. Hope this helps. And you are not a wimp - what your body has been/is going through is huge. Also if you were a wimp you wouldn't be asking for help xx

I would say that how you are feeling is pretty normal, especially only 8 days after the event.

Like someone else said, I won't go into details of DD's birth but it did take me a long time i.e. probably best part of a year, to be able to talk about DDs birth without crying.

Still now, when I see a natural delivery on TV I do cry. A lot. But I don't consider this to be an unhealthy reaction. I had a scary experience and I think it's ok to wish things had been different and feel sad about it from time to time.

Be kind to yourself. You don't have to talk about what happened with anyone and everyone who visits you. But make sure you do talk about it with the people close to you, don't bottle things up. Good luck and congratulations

My DD1's birth story is very similar to yours, 26 hours, morphine, epidural, 3!!! failed ventouse attempts, massive episiotomy and finally a brutal forceps delivery. DD need to be ventilated post birth and was wisked off to NICU before i even managed to get a proper glance of her, it was horrific!! . I actually think that because DD was so ill it distracted me from how traumatic it all was tbh, like you i said NEVER!! AGAIN. I actually felt robbed and cheated, silly i know .

Just 18mths on i was pregnant again! i was absolutely determined that this labour would not be a repeat of my last one and it wasnt, it could not have been more different . DD2 was born totally unplanned at home after just 2.5 hours of NOT very painful labour, she was delivered by 2 wonderful paramedics.

Fast forwards 4 years, and i had DS at home, again after a very short easy labour, with a MW prssent this time tho! she was a lovely irish 60 something leave them to it sort of MW . She never so much as took me until DS crowned. She said afterwards that she wished all her ladies were blessed with such a competent uterus , never thought anyone would say something like that after my first labour .

You know for all the trauma my first labour brought me i actually think that my long first labour helped me to have my next two wonderful deliveries, after all after 26 hour of contractions every 3/4 minutes it had had a lot of bloody practise!!.

You have my heartfelt sympathy, you will move on from this, sending you lots of strength, its not easy.

I too had an incredibly traumatic labour and delivery. I too had wanted 2 DC, but that idea went straight out the window after DS's birth. I also had an infected 3rd degree tear for 3 months post partem.

I went for counselling to try to help get over the trauma of it all, but I didn't feel like it helped at all.

I still remember that day like it happened yesterday, even though it was over 4 years ago.

DS is an only child and will always remain so as I will never, ever, ever go through that again for anyone or anything.

I know that my post isn't helpful to you, but it's how I feel. If in a few months' time you really aren't moving on, and you want to get past this, please be proactive in getting help for yourself.

Deciding you don't want to ever do it again is a perfectly reasonable thing to decide NoWayNoHow
I'm so sorry you had such a horrendous time too, having your DS.
I think only children can be perfectly happy with all that undivided attention though perhaps will have to make the most of friendships and cousins
IMHO

Birth is mostly hideous.

We shoudln't pretend it isn't.

That does sound traumatic, poor, poor you.

I had a horrific, horrific, experience. But two years later I definitely want to do it again.

I had post birth trauma counselling, you might want to look into that.

Might I also suggest that you never let yourself watch OBEM....

Remember, it is very very early days and in time it WILL improve, as you watch your little one grow and the immense joy that brings, the memories will fade, I promise.

Well done and congratulations!

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby. Secondly, be kinder to yourself. It was only 8 days ago and your mind is still absorbing the events of that day. Time is what you need and you have plenty of it. Talking about it does help, whether that is with a friend, a midwife or on here.

Something I read on here before has really stuck with me... No matter how awful you felt the birth was, you didn't go through it alone. Your baby went through the same experience with you. You went through it together.

I don't know if that helps or not, but it helped me in some small way.

You will find the physical effects will wear off gradually (I had problems with my stitches too, for 10 weeks) and as they do you will think less about the birth. It's all very fresh just now. Don't rush to get "back to normal", these are golden days when the pace of life slows right down to let you both recover.

Come on here as much you like to brain dump and there will be plenty of us here listening.

Take care, be gentle on yourself and learn who this amazing little person is whom you brought into the world, an amazing thing.

Congratulations! Sounds like you had a rough time though.

The hip pain and difficultly walking must be making a difficult time even tougher. Is it improving now? Is your leg swollen at all?

Talk to the midwives who visit you. Tell them how you feel.
I had a very similar experience (bit worse) and 11 months on was referred for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder counselling. Looking back I wish I had realised I was traumatised. Well done you for even seeing that in the first place. I wish passionately (still 12 years on) that I had talked more about how shaken I was by the birth experience.

It's so comforting to hear people saying the same things about taking time and being kind to myself. Thank you. I will definitely try the debrief and in the meantime keep talking to people close to me. Everyone has been very sympathetic and supportive and DH, having been there, has talked through it a couple of times. It isn't helping yet apart from the fact that he knows it was tough and he can remember it more clearly than me. I think it's still a bit too raw to discuss in detail.

I'm not really looking for sympathy or admiration from them - it's really just within myself that I need to accept what happened and that it was painful but it's over now. It did feel like a major operation and physically I haven't recovered, and hormonally I've been all over the place. A week in hospital was a long time, with a lot of conflicting advice about feeding problems. and the fact I wasn't allowed to leave because DD was losing weight and I couldn't breasfeed made me feel that no one had confidence in me to look after her. Even DH and DM were encouraging me to stay as long as possible. I know they meant well but to me it felt like they didn't think I could cope.

I just need to keep telling myself it's early days!

Re bonding - up and down. I feel a bit glazed/teary sometimes (worry about PND) but other times I feel so much joy looking at her. I am quite overwhelmed with love but sometimes (especially when tired) feel a bit detached from the situation.

My hip feels slightly better this morning but a doctor is coming over to look at it. I'd be surprised if there was anything seriously wrong and it's probably another case of giving it time to heal. DH is doing a lot of the fetching and carrying - I suppose I feel like a bit of an invalid.

Some of my friends have found that it's only once they are physically healed that they can really start to process the emotional stuff. It's very early days for you still.

I would suggest you wait a couple of months, then have a debrief with your midwife. This might help you come to terms with what happened and why.

Then, go to your GP and ask to be referred to counselling for birth trauma. The midwife won't address how you feel usually, but a counsellor will help you work through how you are feeling.

Also, go to the Birth Trauma Association website, they have loads of advice and info about other routes to getting support.

I have no experience of vb, but would like to say you did fantastic to birth such a large baby and get through it all. In some ways you could argue you're stronger for doing it delivering a healthy baby when if you like compared to it her births you know of.

Keep telling yourself you succeed in delivering your baby despite an unhelpful hand from mother nature You did it, YOU.

Please do tell any health professionals you come into contact with how you feel. keep visiting here. Take your time to gain clarity in your own mind.

If when it's tie. To see people and birth comes up, have a phrase ready to wave it off if don't feel ready to talk, or be up front and say what happened.

YOU did it, congratulations.x

People think that is you are in hospital you get more help and rest. That is the opposite of my experience. I didn't sleep for more than half an hour during the whole time I was there. By the time they let me out, it felt like prison, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was weepy and felt I was not coping at all.

Things changed almost instantly at home. Dh took Dd and I got 5 hrs sleep and it felt like I had been asleep for a week.

Giving birth was far from the best moment of my life. Getting Dd home was. Before we were home nothing really sank in.

Now I only really remember flashes of what happened.

The consultant at the tear clinic said I had healed well and was going to say I would be ok for future vb. I told him if he wrote that I could guarantee their would not be any other births of any kind. He then read my notes properly (which he had clearly not done before) and retracted his words. He said he would leave it open for discussion but if I still felt the same next time round I would be offered a cs. An enormous weight lifted knowing that I would never have to go through that again.

It is different for different people. Some say subsequent vbs were very psycologically healing. But you really don't have to think that far ahead. Just know there are options.

Xmas - I didn't realise you were in hospital for a week, so are only just home. I too was in hospital for a week and felt so down, confused andscared. I have to say things started to improve as soon as I got home, so I could do things my way (I know that they weren't necessasrily the right way BUT it gave me back some control whcih I found I really needed). really hope things improve and try and enjoy this magical time with your lo.

Oh lovey, I've been there.

For months, probably years I described dd's birth as the worst day of my life. The fear and pain were things I couldn't even describe to other people and if I tried to talk about it I sobbed. I had hideous nightmares and flashbacks to it on top of recovering from surgery (similar story to yours but the episiotomy/instrumental/manual rotation attempts failed and had an emcs). I veered from feeling bitter and like a failure to being very angry and unable to even confront the notion of childbirth in books or on film. I swore I would never, ever, ever do it again.

Then I had a panic attack in a family planning clinic (picture of a baby on the wall you see) and was referred for proper counselling. The chap I saw was an obstetrician of 18yrs but also trained in birth trauma. I spent hours with him, crying, asking questions, just saying things out loud that I had kept inside for 2 years. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I had to know what actually happened, to get some answers about my body and the progress of labour and method of delivery. And I had to talk to somebody frankly about how I was feeling. It was a slow road but it was the turning point.

What also happened was that dd started to grow up and the fog of having a baby and being gripped by ptsd/pnd started to lift. And the most therapeutic thing in the world was parenting dd. Because she started to ask questions about how she was born and what she looked like and did she cry etc and she found utter delight in the strangest of things like the fact that she pooed on the midwife and daddy put her nappy on backwards. And all these small details which I'd never taken the time to focus on became the things I talked to my dd about and it's become the story of the day we met. It's strangely healing to know that actually it wasn't just something I endured, it was also the day we became mother and daughter and she was right there with me. And the wonderful, gregarious girl that she's grown into was the same girl that day, I just hadn't had the joy of knowing her. So I suppose two things happened. I got professional help and dd taught me some perspective. Both took time.

My one regret is that I didn't seek help sooner. I thought that the first days and months of motherhood were supposed to feel like that. The fog and the crying and the fear. I didn't know how much I'd missed out on until...

I had ds 19 weeks ago. The labour was the same. 38hrs post waters breaking he got stuck and I had an emcs. BUT I laughed my way into theatre and back out again. The obstetrician who counselled me was my consultant all through the pregnancy. I took control. I made decisions. And I had a 2nd baby 4 and a half years after the first one. And it's been a wonderful, joyful time. Same method of delivery, different feelings entirely

Congratulations. It's all very, very new at the moment and I promise you it will get better. Ask for help. You will one day smile about the day you met your baby. Big, huge grins. The pain and the regret and sadness stays in a lot of ways but you'll smile too and it won't feel like you're gripped by it, more that you got through it and got better.

hiya,

I am so sorry you had this experience. My biggest shock was that i felt so unprepared that brutal things can happen like that. I like to be prepared! My birth was similar to yours, I had spd, hadn't slept for days, and baby was stuck.
When she did come out, she flew out, and i torn extensively. My midwife was a cold bitch, who i ended up making a complaint about. My dd was 6lb, so a tiddler.
You are in shock, you have gone thru something that noone can tell you about, and as we read on hears all births are different.

I only had gas and air and the pain, was so demonic, i wanted someone to shoot me.

I had a debrief, it helped a little but it took a few yrs to come to terms with the feeling i'd somehow done it wrong. Reading all the good stories i felt like i was crap, i felt like the women around me in my real life thought i was a wuss. Yet the pain was real and the birth was mine not theirs.

It is so great to come here and share, and to be told honestly, that yes it can be brutal, and oyu know what you did the very best you could. I know now i did my best, i just wasn't told that at the time, or encouraged, which helps so so much.

lots of love xx

Glad the GP is coming to look at your hip - hope you can start to feel more like 'you' again. Do watch out for any swelling or increasing pain though, as it can very occasionally be a sign of a post-partum DVT, which can be serious.

oh showofhands, what a beautifully worded post.

i hated people saying , 'but look what you got at the end of it' for years after, becuase it was such an awful experience. It wasn't that i didn't know how lovely it was to have a much wanted baby, but the way she got here seemed hideous, and like you it took me a long time to think, 'hey thats how we met, you and i' and feel ok with it. Becuase i couldn't go back and change it iyswim.

Don't write off having another. 3 years ago I swore I would not, could not ever have another DC and I am now 31 wks with DC2. This isn't because I have forgotten my own, horrible experience, every second is gruesomely vivid for me.

I went to see a consultant about 6 months after the birth of DC1 to talk about what had happened. This helped and resulted in me putting in place a very clear plan for ECS if I ever fell pregnant again. For me this was the only way I could ever consider another child and, although I know CS isn't necessarily without its complications either, the fact that I feel I have a plan and a little bit of control over things has made another DC possible.

Talking to others who can really understand what you have been through will help too - it did for me. At 8 days after the birth I felt as though I was the only one and DH wasn't able to provide much in the way of emotional support. Mumnet was the first opportunity for me to realise I wasn't alone but I quickly found plenty of people I knew in RL had suffered but just didn't talk about it.

I had the forceps delivery from hell too with my DD born 20 years ago. The horror of it stayed with me for quite a while but I went on to have two more DCs and their births, though not pleasant, were not like that first one.

At the time I felt there was a conspiracy of silence about childbirth from other Mums and from the midwives who ran the classes I attended before the birth. I was soooooo angry with the lot of them.

One thing that helped me at the time was hearing of a woman who had given birth on the day I did, but her baby died. Whatever I was going through, it was never as bad as that. It put my trauma into perspective.

Time is great healer (honest). You're delicate at the moment. Just love your baby; everything will be okay x