I am traumatised

[Xmasbaby11]

I had my first baby 8 days ago. It was a difficult labour and every time I think about it, it's a struggle not to cry. It's traumatised me to the extent that I can't imagine having another child, even though I had wanted two. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, but it was agonising and terrifying. I feel quite ashamed of myself for feeling this way as I'm sure other women go through the same or worse. Has anyone else felt like this, and please tell me if you start to recover emotionally?

Summary of my labour:

Waters broke evening of 40 + 13. Contractions started soon after and were frequent and strong. I was up all night and no pain relief (tens, paracetamol) helped.

Next day 10am: into hospital. Only 3cm dilated and the midwife said I was already tired so they put me on morphine so that I could doze. I did doze but it also made me violently sick and anti nausea injection didn't work.

Few hours later: Not much progress. Another half dose of morphine.

Later still: slow progress but mw said too late for more morphine, so I had gas and air. It did nothing for me - pain still terrible and just made me dehydrated. Still very sick. I was in stirrups by this point.

Later still (evening 40 + 14): mw decides labour has gone on too long (waters broke more than 24h before) so intervention needed. In short I was induced, had epidural, big episiotomy, and forceps delivery which hurt like hell.

Baby born early hours of 40 + 14, about 30 hours after waters broke.

She weighed 10lb and needed antibiotics as she had swallowed gunk from being inside me so long. She was healthy though. They said 10lb was a large baby so it was always going to be a difficult labour.

People have said well done for a vaginal delivery, but I don't feel that I have done well as I never really had any choice and was crying a lot of the time. Am I ever going to feel better about it? I haven't seen many friends yet and I am dreading being asked about the birth as I'm sure I will burst into tears.

Sorry, very long post. Any similar stories or experiences welcomed. I am crying as I write this.

I should also add that my stitches got infected and are still very painful, and the stirrups did something to my hip so I am struggling to walk even a few metres. Recovery seems to be slow.

No direct experience, but didn't want to leave you all on your own with this. So sorry to hear you had such a rough time, and hopefully someone will be along soon with something useful to say.

Thank you. I'm not sure if my experience was typical - maybe I am just a wimp and others simply handle pain better than me.

I had a terrible labour with my second. It was a section and the most distressing hour and a half of my life. I won't go into details but it was truly awful.

When I got pregnant with my third, I was adamant I didn't want another section after that, and stayed true to that until I was told a vbac would be incredibly dangerous. I couldn't take that risk.

I was terrified. Do you know what? It was a COMPLETELY different experience, one I actually enjoyed.

It doesn't follow that one bad labour means the next one will be too.

You are probably in shock from the labour, you are not required to discuss it. I remember one friend had forceps and she couldn't talk about it as the pain was still there and it made it worse talking about it.

I think it will just take time.

That does not sound typical. I have had three and they were all easier than that (sorry).

On phone so can't type much/fast, but I would suggest at some point asking for a debrief with a midwife

Very many congratulations on the birth of your baby!

You gave birth vaginally to a very big first baby. Birth is never what one expects it to be- you can't actually know what to expect, and you did have a slightly rougher time of than some. I wouldn't say unusually awful, but definitely not what one would hope for. I don't want to minimise what happened to you as birth is a life-changing event in any circumstances, but it might help you to know that you are not alone in having this type of management at birth. You gave birth vaginally to a very large baby and that alone takes some time to recover from.

If I can reassure you at all, you will feel better eventually. You will forget a lot of what happened as your little baby starts to unfold and blossom.

Also, are you aware that most hospitals will do a birth debriefing session? Maybe it would help you to talk over what happened, the sequence of events and why things happened, with a midwife. It might put your mind at rest a little. You can ask your midwife about this.

Keep posting on MN- it always helps to know that there are others out there who have undergone similar things.

My SIL had a very painful first delivery and was terrified of having a second. She eventually spoke to her GP about it who was really supportive. The GP spoke to her about it and invited her to come for regular chats about it.

She has now had a second child. Her labour and delivery were normal (yours was not) and she is no longer traumatised.

Please speak to someone medical about how you feel so they can talk you through what happened and set up counselling if that would help you.

There will be a lot of mums on here who have experienced similar who can help you.

It is early days though as well so give yourself a little time and be kind to yourself.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Thanks for all your posts. It's occurred to me that the idea of a typical labour is probably not helpful - and it's fair to say that most women have a hard time of it in some way.

My midwife did tell me about a debriefing session, so I might consider that if I still feel the same in a few weeks. I think I am feeling quite wobbly anyway at the moment, so probably I will get some perspective in time and just accept how lucky I am that our baby is well.

My dds birth was not far off this. I then tortured myself by watching a lot! Of obem. It is very early days and I can hand on heart tell you that it does get easier!

Maybe other people's labours didn't HURT as much as yours. Honestly, it really isn't a competition but there are some strange attitudes to birth and I know how you feel.

It is DANGEROUS. Worldwide many women and their babies still die because childbirth can be a dangerous business. That's what a very senior midwife said to me at my debrief (arranged to meet her and have her go through my notes with me - it was very useful and I felt better immediately after months of worry), and it helped me put it in perspective.

You had a horrible painful experience, if someone's hernia operation had gone horribly wrong they wouldn't have a load of other people telling them that they had their hernia operation with no fuss, inferring that they somehow "did it wrong".

Some births are smoother than others. I am a big advocate of relaxation techniques and active birth but some labours are a bit beyond controlled breathing and TENS, so why not take advantage of modern medicine and have some pain relief? The interventions you had were unpleasant but necessary for the safety of you and your lovely baby.

It is shit, I am nearly 2 years down the line now and it took me a good few months to be able to think about my labour without crying. I thought I must be a wuss too, but now I know I most definitely wasn't.

Sharing your experience will help. You'll find many many parents found birth left them feeling a bit shellshocked, even if they had "textbook" births. Be kind to yourself and if you feel it's dragging you down PLEASE speak to your MW or HV or a friendly GP/practice nurse, and keep posting on here. I didn't post about my experience but reading that I wasn't alone certainly helped.

Congratulations on your daughter! the thought of a new baby girl is making me all sniffly and broody (just as well since I'm having DC2 soon) :)

My two births were totally different to each other and expecting third in next few weeks. Nothing as bad as yours sounds but I would say yours does sound very painful but on a positive note you managed to deliver a big baby on your own and you should be proud of yourself for that. I don't know what you had in your birth plan but I don't ever do one as sometimes things don't go to plan. People's perception of pain is different. However that doesn't take away the mental pain of it. I would speak to your normal midwife and GP and take things from there.

Please do try not to dwell on it too much though - it will take the enjoy,ent away from the main thing that happened and that's your baby who I hope is growing well and is healthy and happy.

My first was 1/2lb bigger than my 2nd btw so not saying you will have a big baby again.

x posted with loads of sensible people who are a lot more succint than what I am :)

Second what someone else said about OBEM, stay well away from it/discussion about it!

The debriefs are so brilliant, when you feel physically better please sort one out. It just lifts a big weight off to hear what happened and understand a bit better.

Congratulations !
It's very hard to rationalise things while you have hormones coarsing through your body .But you delivered safely and you delivered a very healthy weight baby.
Bigger babies can take bigger feeds unlike small babies that take small feeds, so they seem to need feeding almost constantly !
I know you are in pain but at least you are well and your baby is well.
Good luck.

First, congratulations on having your baby

My first labour and delivery was also very traumatic. It all happened very quickly but in short, the epidural only worked down one side, had episiotomy and forceps. It hurt more than I could ever imagine and I couldn't even think about sex much less giving birth.

In the end I spoke to my health visitor about it (I had a private birth so couldn't do birth reflections). It took time but it did become a faint memory and by the time DD was 2 I was ready to do it all again. My second birth was so much better despite my fears.

Give yourself some time, it's only been a week. And speak to the midwives about it when they visit so they can refer you accordingly to get some help.

Is it affecting your relationship with your baby?

ps I am a nurse and have done stuff to people that I barely even register and they've been rolling about and screaming in agony, and on the other hand some things I find really painful I've seen folk not even blanch at.

Pain is very individual.

I used the Birth Afterthoughts service at my hospital after my third. I had been depressed about all three labours - long, all ended in EMCS. I was left with the feeling that somehow I could have done 'better' or it was my fault for not coping with the pain. A midwife came round with all three sets of notes and went through every little bit. At each step as I blubbered 'I should have stuck with it' she held my hand, gave me a tissue and calmly pointed out that due to x,y,z that ws on my notes, no other path could have been taken. It was enormously cathartic and helpful and I really wish I had done it after the first.

Congratulations on your lovely pink bundle :)

I was traumatised by my third childs birth, the first thing I can recommend is that you make an appointment to talk to a midwife about the birth, go over your notes to discuss what happened and the steps taken so it's more clear why things happened as they did, this helps clear confusion etc which you get when your are in extreme pain and your memory is fuzzy. This helps alot, I didn't do this until I was pregnant with my fourth baby and was getting distressed thinking about my impending labour (I swore I wouldn't have another after no.3 but a few years later I did ) It was one of the final steps that helped me get over it properly.

I also had councilling arranged by my GP for birth trauma, this helped alot and let me get out my frustration at feeling so powerless during the labour and the anger that I felt at the HP's who I felt failed me at various points during the birth. One of the things that the therapist recommended was that I write a letter to the midwives etc detailing exactly how I felt and then either send it or just rip it up, I chose to rip it up, it helped to just get it all out on paper.

I developed PND (the only time I've had it) after the birth so please be mindful to watch out for this and don't be afraid to ask for help it you suspect you have it. I went to the GP as soon as I realised I wasn't feeling right and had 6 months of AD's and felt much better for it.

You may find yourself talking about the birth over and over again, it is completely normal to do this although it can get tiresome to the people around you, but it is your minds way of dealing with it. Don't be afraid to cry, sob, scream and punch pillows, whatever you need to get the hurt out, holding it in doesn't make it go away, it just festers there waiting to pop out and drag you down in the future. Memories of the birth start to fade away a few weeks afterwards so it won't feel quite as raw soon, it won't be 100% better but the first weeks are the hardest until that natural amnesia kicks in.

You will get over what happened but it does take time. Be gentle with yourself and when the time comes that you feel ready for another baby don't dwell on your previous birth. Half of my last pregnancy was spent in fear of what was to come, it all come flooding back when I saw the positive test. After my talk with the midwife where we went over all of my notes etc I felt much better, she told me I'd just been unlucky and what had happened was unlikely to happen again... She was right, my fourth babys birth was so so different compared to the previous three (I had something go wrong in all three previous labours, all three times were unnusual for the circumatances complications so I was very unlucky). When I went into labour I just kept the midset of 'what will be will be', I couldn't control what happened or change things so I just stayed calm and looked forward to holding my baby, I also knew that if it came down to it I could get an epi as soon as I hit 4cm, lol. Dd3's birth healed the pain I felt about the previous birth and we are hoping to be expecting no.5 sometime next year.

I still feel sad sometimes when I think back to her birth, but it doesn't hurt in the same way that it used to, it used to be a physical kind of pain, like I'd been punched in the stomach... now it's just a little sadness and then it passes.

Incidentally -

DD1 24 hours after water broke EMCS for 'failure to progress' (hate that expression), cascade of intervention.

DS1 - got to hospital, was 7cm dilated, they realised he was footling breech. I locked myself in the loo because I was so freaked out by the thought of another C section.

DS2 - mild contractions started on the Monday morning. Thursday went in because of reduced movement and was sent home as they weren't 'proper contractions'. They were painful enough to keep me awake. But not 'proper', you understand. I was having them 2 mins apart lasting for a minute when I arrived at the hospital on the Friday afternoon. But apparently still was not in labour. They kindly kept me on so I could have some pain relief. I had him by EMCS at about 5am on the Saturday.

Oh sweetie. It's only been 8 days, you need to give yourself some more time. I had a traumatic birth with my first baby. My DH didn't want to talk about it, was very much 'You're healthy, the baby's healthy, let's get on with being a family.' It wasn't helpful! My DSis asked me how I really felt, it almost felt like she gave me permission to feel shit about it, to not 'let it go', as DH wanted. I thoroughly recommend that you go for a debrief. I went twice, because the first time, I was crying so hard by about half way through that the MW suggested we stop, and continue on another day. It made a huge difference to me to do this, to see my notes and talk it through when I wasn't actually in labour. And choose the friends to talk to about it - I had some very good friends/my sisters (who had all had babies themselves) who let me go over it again and again. And cry as much as I wanted to.

It does get better. I had 2 more babies after DD1 . Last time I looked, they don't hand out medals for how you gave birth. And actually, it doesn't matter how anyone else gave birth - you feel upset about what happened to you, and that's what matters here. Some of it might be that you're grieving for the birth you didn't have (I thought I'd have a calm water-birth, not a long labour and em c-s). I also thought I'd let DH down as he didn't get to see DD born (once the MW helped me recognise this, DH swiftly disabused me of this notion!).

Be kind to yourself, your feelings are valid but they will get better.

Many congratulations on your daughter, and welcome to the world, XmasBaby!

Firstly, congratulations on the arrival of your baby!

Definitely go for the debriefing session, and if you think you need it contact the Birth Trauma Association. Please don't feel that you are in any way at fault for how you feel. To begin with, no one has had exactly the same birth excperience as you so no one is in a position to say how they would feel afterwards, and also even if that weren't the case there is no reason why you should react exactly the same as anyone else. The way you feel is the way you feel and the last thing you need is to start ladling on extra guilt for feeling that way.

Xmasbaby11 I had a forceps/epidural delivery like yourself with DS1. Recovery is slow so be nice to yourself. Tbh your birth experience sounds horrendous. Mine was better although not great.

I too was worried about a 2nd child. With DS2 had 2hr labour, got to the hospital and had him 30s after stepping out of the car, outside! Totally different experience, recovery way way better a lot less painful. All labours are different.

I would second having a debrief even some counselling. And really don't worry you did great and you are doing great now just talking about it.

I had a traumatic birth with DD, won't go into details but it was very scary. I was fine initially but had panic attacks in the weeks after DD was born, lots of what ifs - if the staff at the hospital hadn't been so amazing would DD and I even be here? I got myself into some terrible states over it.

It WILL get better, I promise you. It's easy for me to say that now, but you will come out the other side. Definitely consider the de-briefing session. I didn't go to one, something just sort of clicked one day and I was, if not fine, a hell of a lot better :)

please take advice and strength from here, talk to your MW and HV and above all give yourself time, oh and lots of cuddles with your newborn.

Congratulations on your daughter x

Firstly congratulations to you ! As everybody has said time is a great healer, talk to your midwife that might help.
Everybody has a different birth experience and quite often they dont go to plan. Yours was quite traumatic but it does not mean that any future births will be the same. You really should congratulate yourself on the fact that you have a wonderful baby and people are generally amazed that you gave birth naturally to her . When your friends want to ask you about your birth experience if you are not ready to talk about it or dont want to talk about it just say that was quite traumatic as she was a big baby and leave it at that. Hopfully your bits will start to feel better soon as well which will help. I am sending you hug.

I'm so sorry you've been through such a traumatic and horrible time to birth your baby.
If anyone asks about the birth I would just say to everyone you had a horrendous time. You can say more if they're a good listener. Everyone's experience is different, but birth is a huge thing - sometimes a life and death situation.
It's good that you and your baby are here. I hope you will be able to enjoy your baby soon.