Birth trauma flashbacks 7 years on! FFS really?

[nevergoogle]

Yesterday I had to have gynae day surgery with a spinal block and all the triggers were there to send me into a bit of a state.

The flashbacks were hideous.

Anyway, i had thought i was over it but maybe i'm not.

WTF?

bump

Oh dear nevergoogle. I feel your pain, I really do. I've plastered it all over MN that DS's birth was one of those shitstorm ones that left me with a bunch of problems after.
I've had all kinds of therapy, and thought that i had a good handle on things, and some days, I really do.
And then I was having coffee with some of the mums after preschool drop-off and someone asked if I was having more kids, and I said my usual, "no, too much went wrong when I had DS, he's it for us". The mum who'd asked said "oh gosh, what happened?" and for several seconds I had to really fight with myself because my brain went on lock-down and my body wanted to hyperventilate. I got it under control without making too much of an arse of myself, and everyone was kind enough to say "well we're here if you want to talk about it" fuck no so at least they don't seem to think I'm too much of a nutjob.

DS is turning 4 in Feb. I feel the same as you - seriously, I've done all the friggin' work, can this please not just get out if my head???

I've had to have two repair ops since his birth and for one they gave me the option of a spinal and I just about came undone. Having a knee op on Friday, asked surgeon if he prefers spinal or general anaesthetic and he said, "oh definitely, general, most people wig out a bit over spinals" :o - but man, he couldn't know the half of it.

It sucks. I hate PTSD. I talked to a psychologist last year who said in her opinion, PTSD never really goes away. You learn to live with it. You're triggered less over time. But it's always there, and sometimes it ambushes you. Cheering thought.

the trigger was most definitely when they couldn't get the cannulae in my hand to work. unfortunately the veins on my hand just cant do it anymore after 2 weeks of IV antibiotics 7 years ago. the pain of that sent me into a state.

he's fine, he's 7, he's as strong as an ox, and as bloody minded as a mule.

he is not that grey baby pulled from me and taken away to NICU.

but how real the flashbacks were. and now it's 4am and i'm up thinking again.

wow, just wow.

ooh, but he is that baby.
what's going on there?

I can still remember like it was seconds ago seeing something white and blue and red flashing by me. I couldn't hear anything, there was just this roaring noise in my ears and I couldn't hear if he was crying. I remember shouting, or trying to, "is he alive, is he breathing?" over and over until someone finally answered.

Four years, or four seconds ago. It's all the same to your mind sometimes.

The way it was explained to me is that flashbacks are extemporeal - they're literally out of time. Your mind can't tell if it's now or years ago because the flashback triggers a bunch of neurotransmitters and your body reacts to those. So you're triggered by something, your mind thinks that the trigger means the traumatic event is occurring right now, and your body goes into panic mode or hyperventilating or whatever to cope with this huge rush of brain chemicals.
Flashbacks are awful. I used to lose time when having one. That has happened in a long time now thank fuck but I can still get trapped by some memories.

Have you had any counselling? If not, would you consider it? I found the right person can make a huge difference.

A trauma is a trauma, however it is caused. And 7 years isn't such a long time really. The memories are still fresh.

Do you feel the flashbacks were upsetting enough to warrant counselling? I would consider it if it kept happening I think.

Sorry, no good advice. Can understand why you were shaken. Scary to have such vivid memories brought back.

I hope you got back to sleep. I'm eight hours behind you, and going to bed soon. Will be back. (((((HUG)))))

Hi nevergoogle

It's been 10 years for me. My DD is strong and healthy and beautiful. But I can't tell my brain that. What it takes me back to is like a full-immersion stutter of time, I can't get out of it. My body is (still), healing, changing, getting fixed up, forgetting or coping. My brain gets stuck.

I am looking into EMDR because I think CBT has done all it can for me.

Hope you got some sleep.

I had EMDR and OEI. Both were really helpful.

(Giung to bed now.(

*Going

And brackets facing the proper way. Sorry, DS fell asleep on me an hour ago and I'm fading, too - listening to him snore always makes me sleepy.

Thanks for the explanations, it really helps to understand.

It did feel like it was happening all over again. I was looking over to the right of the room to check there wasn't a paeds resusc trolley. I was sweating and crying and hyperventilating. Then they gave me entenox and I lost time.

A nurse even joked that she wouldn't be taking any babies out of me as it would be too much paperwork and I managed a smile. i knew it wasn't happening yet I could see it happening.

I tried some counselling afterwards but it was rubbish. I had a lengthy debrief with the midwife which was helpful. And then i went on to have a second baby with no complications. Strangely no flashbacks during that. For me that put a lot of the trauma to rest. I've had CBT since but that was more to do with other issues and I view my survival and coping with DS's birth as a strength.

To be honest i think this is my first flashback. Which is good going i suppose.

Next time I'll have a general anaesthetic.

Thanks again, i bloody love mumsnet.

And may you never have another one :)
Sounds like you've done bloody brilliantly coping with everything.
Our brains are funny things, with what they will and will not cope with.

Not that I'm an expert or anything but feel free to
PM me any time if you need. I'm up at odd hours.

Hi,
No advice to give - I'm only 14 months post (traumatic) birth, am still in the middle of the repair surgery (1 operation down, 1 to go), and haven't yet got to grips with any counseling specifically aimed at the trauma. But just wanted to look in and say hi and give you a hug. It's hideous and you can feel so lonely with it. Have you got in touch with the Birth Trauma Association? They have a Facebook page which you might find helpful.
XX

Thanks.
I'll check out the birth trauma association.

Would like to just pick myself and move on. i suppose my brain is going to misfire sometimes and give me a flashback when the triggers are right. i don't think it means anything is wrong. it was traumatic and i accept that. what happened on friday is an inevitable part of that.

see, i can do this. thanks.

Of course you'll be ok. You've been fine so far, and you had a wobble. It is just a misfire. Think of it this way - the most perfect car in the world, with every safety feature, every comfort, and road-sensing tires is still going to go bottoms-up if you drive it off a cliff.
Your brain was that car on Friday. It's kept you completely safe and sane. And then you drove off the cliff - you were in the same position as during a traumatic event, in a similar location, medical people around, spinal in place, so body going "dude, WTF, I can't move!!" and someone inadvertently hurt you by placing a cannula in your hand. Brain short-circuits => car drove off the cliff. Brain does what it's supposed to do in an emergency situation which is unload a shitload of chemicals. Body responds by doing what the chemicals tell it to which is go into disaster mode.

It can sometimes help to think of it as a cascade of events that eventually mean you lose control. Which takes the concept of "fault" right out of it, if that's something that might have occurred to you. Once past a certain point, your reaction is out of your control. As much as once it's lost contact with the ground, a car is out of control - you can't magic it back onto solid ground, no more than you can take a bullet back once you've pulled the (ha ha) trigger and it's shot out of the barrel.

The thing to not get wigged out about is that it might happen again. Yes it might or no it might never happen again. You don't know. You need to be ok with not knowing, and if you're control freak like me that can be really hard. You can only do what you can do which is, if you have a medical situation coming up, to try to arrange things to minimize the triggers. It might help to alert the medical team, if you should need another op, that you've had a trauma, and have had a nasty flashback and could they please try (within reason) to accommodate you so it doesn't happen again. Most teams would be happy to - they really prefer things to be uneventful and a patient falling apart from a flashback definitely falls under the heading of "potential complications which are relatively easy to avoid". :)

jacksmania, you are gooood, and you speak a whole lot of sense.

i'm quite sure it will happen again, i'm just hoping not for another 7 years.

but yes, will warn docs in the future. just in case.

thanks.

Thanks

I learned a lot of what I now know about PTSD and flashbacks and dealing with trauma because I was just so pissed off at everything that happened when DS was born because so much of it needn't have happened. The anger and bitterness nearly ate me alive. He and I could both have died, and that thought completely undid me for a long, long time. I reached a point when I was so tired of being furious all the time, and tbh a lot of the anger had turned into depression, anxiety and something close to panic disorder. It was exhausting and was wrecking my life. I was talking to my counsellor, well, sobbing, really, and asking her how I could go on from this. She said that I would never be able to make sense out of it - it was a senseless, unnecessary thing to happen, and for my own sanity I needed to be able to find some good in it, or make something good come out of it. The only good I have ever been able to find is to (carefully) advise other women how to prep for childbirth, and to learn as much about PTSD as I can, and talk to women who have had a birth trauma.
I'm not on any kind of woo mission or anything like that but any time I've ever been able to offer anything useful to anyone who's struggled, it makes what happened a little less, well, utterly shit .

Um... just read that over and I sound really up my own arse

Sorry

No you don't Jacks! X

I had a very traumatic time giving birth to me daughter Chloe who is now 3 and the way the midwives/nurses handled me was disgusting....giving a in Labour lady sleeping tablets because they had no one free to tend to me....not just once but twice!!! I was also 15 days overdue by the time I had her thro C- section, because she was too far down and I wasn't dilating. Funny thing is I was so out of it due to the pain rather than the meds as I couldn't have an epidural after a back injury, that I can't remember most of it!!!
All I can remember was who blood stained and dirty the toilets were and being sick a few times......but once she was in my arms nothing else mattered and I got out of heir as quickly as I could....only stayed a day and a bit, then went home to get some rest cos you can't sleep in a place like that!

your experience has been appreciated jacksmama.

and wow to the poster with flashbacks 42 years on. i guess it never leaves you, not really. it's a big part of who i am, so that makes sense.