Husband's opinion and support regarding mode of delivery

[DanceLikeTheWind]

how many women faced opposition from their husbands regarding a planned c section for non medical reasons? Would you go along with your choice regardless of his preference?(assuming he didn't support you despite persuasion and discussions)

How many women would change their mode of delivery if their husband opposed it?

(I want a c section due to a family history of incontinence and erb's palsy. I also have psychological problems)

Imagine how you would feel being forced into a VB if you didn't want one. It's not his body. I would not change my mode of delivery if husband opposed it, but I would like to think he would support me whatever I wanted. Tell him if he wants a 'natural' birth for his child then he should push it out of his own vagina and deal with the consequences.

I would say your body your choice but I think your reasons for wanting CS need to be explored.

Family history may have no bearing on it but psch issues might.

Think you need to talk to each other and then together with your GP or mw

Seriously?

There is only one thing a man should say about a woman's delivery plan

"I completely agree"

I agree with finally.

When the men give birth, they get to choose how.

That said, I think it sounds like you could do with doing some talking about the reasons you feel you have for wanting a c-section.

Good luck.

Well ultimately it's my body that is going through it but it is our child. However DH has always supported my choices although I've always explained them and we've discussed together. I need his support in labour so want him onside.

that's not a non medical reason is it?

My knee jerk reaction is that a man has no part to play in determining the mode of birth. However if I was determined to free birth our child in a shed then I think he would have the right to say something about it. It would have to be as extreme as that though before he had the right to intervene though.

As far as I'm concerned, DH gets to decide whether or not he's in the room, and that's it. It's not his body! He wouldn't dream of imposing his opinion on me about delivery, either.

I was lucky that my OH supported me in my choice for an ELCS, and was a big cheerleader for me.

I would not have changed my view under any circumstances, and would have been very upset if he hadn't supported me. No problem with 'have you considered X or Y'- and it's the same with the medical profession- but once the choice is made then I think it's his responsibility to get on board.

Are you have problems persuading him OP?

Hmm. I wanted a home birth for my second baby. My DP was vehemently anti. I had a home birth. My body, my choice.

I know bad birth experiences are not hereditary, but uterine prolapse and incontinence are. I'm already at a risk and I have already had a minor uterine prolapse. My beautiful baby niece can't move her right hand due to brachial plexus nerve injuries- she isn't the first baby in my family to end up with this condition :(
These experiences have left me very apprehensive about a natural birth. I'm convinced that it is a c section for me! We don't want more than two babies so I'm not worried about having too many surgeries.

The trouble is, even if NHS allows me one, I got the impression that if my waters break before the planned date I will be pressurised to give natural birth a shot. That is not an option. I hate to sound like a princess but I don't want to be on a ward after surgery:( I'd rather have my own bathroom and privacy.
Which is why I want to go private. We can afford it, but he doesn't want to spend the money.
SO! He doesn't support my decision of a c section and he doesn't think a private hospital is required.
I feel unappreciated and unloved. My peace of mind makes no difference to him and all he cares about is money. I'm so upset right now!
He doesn't even support what I say at doctor's appointments. He let's me argue my case alone.

Your DH is definately being a twat here. All I can think of is educating him on the problems - does he fully understand what the implications of the incontinence/erb's palsy? Have you spelt it out in black and white? Can you come up with some cold hard facts re likelihood of it happening?

And is this a one-off in terms of not being supportive, or does it come as part of a whole raft of occasions where he's acted like a twat?

Ah, so there's a bit more to it than just not wanting you to have an ELCS.

I totally agree that mode of delivery (bar stuff like Georgiemama has mentioned) is your decision and he should be totally supportive of whatever you decide. But is the issue of private care really the heart of it and clouding his views on the principle of a section? If you are very wealthy and can pay for a private delivery without noticing, I can see it shouldn't be an issue, but for most families it would mean quite major sacrifices in other areas. I can see how he should have a right to have an opinion on that (though not to be an arse about it).

If its just to do with the money then I'm really sorry OP your DH is a massive arse are you sure this is what its about? C section does pose a much higher maternal risk, perhaps he is scared or perhaps he has listened to the consultants opinion?

Is he prepared for what might happen to your marriage if he insists on a natural birth and there are complications?

Damn, did a long post and lost it.

I don't think he's automatically massive arse to be worried about money. Unless the family can afford it without missing it, thousands of pounds is a lot of money to spend and I think both partners are entitled to a view.

He might be being an arse. On the other hand, he might just need to understand more about the issues and why the OP is keen to go private. He might be a 'well the doctors know what they are talking about' type. He may not understand how deeply the OP feels. There are any number of reasons which do not necessarily make him a knob.

Unless the OP has private funds to pay, I do think spending that kind of money is something he is entitled to an opinion on, which doesn't apply to mode of delivery itself.

You aren't requesting a planned c-section for a non-medical reason, you are doing it for a combination of good medical reasons, PARTICULARLY given you've already had a minor prolapse.

Would one of your family members who's been left with problems be prepared to sit down with you and your DH and talk through what her condition has meant for her and her family in practical terms? Perhaps even get her DH/DP in too?

I suppose the thing with the money is that you should be able to get what you want on the NHS (depending on your hospital). For example, I had a private room after my c-section with DS and even after VB with DD2 I was in a two-bed room where I was on my own most of the time (and there was plenty of privacy from the other occupant even when the other bed was occupied). So up to a point you would be paying out well over £10,000 just for peace of mind. If he were supportive of your c-section and prepared to advocate for you within the NHS then I'd have a lot more sympathy for his point of view over not wanting to pay for you to go private. But as it is he's being a bit of a git.

I suppose he could think that if your risk was real then they would do the op on the NHS. My DH tends to always go with the dr's opinion men tend to be a little more black and white.

What has your consultant said about these being real risks if you have a natural birth? All birth carries risks IYSWIM perhaps the consultant feels that the risk associated with CS are greater than the 2 things you have mentioned after all prolapse can be rectified however a lot of complications of surgery can lead to things that can't always.

OP, won't the NHS allow you a CS in the circumstances? Given your history of prolapse, I'd have thought you had a good case for one. Not sure where you would stand on the private room issue, though.

He should support you.

I had a home birth and initially my DH was a bit reluctant. But he supported me because due to hospital freak-out ishoos I felt it was the best option for me. He came to all my appointments, read up on all the literature, attended home birth group with me etc. By the time we were in our third trimester he'd even convinced his mum it was a great idea.

My DH recognised, I think, that giving birth for the first time was one of the biggest scariest things that would ever happen to me and it was his job to support me through the whole process. It had a really profound effect on our relationship.

I think you need to sit your DH down and explain that he only gets one chance to get this right.

If he still isn't able to give you the kind of support you need, you need to look around for a birth partner who will. You don't want to spend your last trimester worrying about going into labour and being pressured into giving birth in a way you don't want to. The only way you'll be able to set those fears aside is if you are confident you've got a birth partner who's got your back, who will stand up for you if you feel unable to do so yourself.

If your DH can't step up and be that person, that is a great shame.

For me a c-section was the absolute dreaded outcome but if for you it is the best way then you should absolutely have the right to make that decision. Can you try and talk to your doctor / midwife about your fears? It would (presumably) be enormously helpful if the decision could be rubber-stamped in advance.

DanceLikeTheWind

Kinda a pet subject about how 'maternal request' when there are psychological reasons (and possibility physical ones) are so disregarded.

I think you need to stick to what you feel best ultimately, but maybe explore your reasons for wanting a CS more with your husband to help him understand just why this is so important to you. Fears aren't something to be sniffed at.

I would recommend you before committing yourself to the idea completely to get to the bottom of your fears, consider councelling or therapy and get real information (based on what your doctor and NICE say rather than the internet, press or friends). There maybe otherways to deal with your fears which with support you might make you feel like a VB might be acceptable.

NICE seems like they respect this, and the new guideline on CS which are due out in November would actually support your position. The press has soley focused on the "too posh to push" attitude around. PLEASE DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE BEING A PRINCESS. You aren't, there is much more behind all this that isn't being reported by the press, and it influencing people's opinion on CS on maternal request in a negative and damaging way. The draft NICE guidelines, are focused VERY strongly on the psychological aspect behind requests for CS. Our attitudes to fear in Childbirth, compared to other countries are very backward.

Hospitals aren't going to be obliged to follow these guidelines but they will be under pressure to take fear more seriously. Mental health should be treated with more respect. Your DH should be listening to you more. I don't know how deep your fears go or whether you are aware of the term 'tocophobia' but it is a medically recognised condition.

If you are forced to go through a VB against your will, and something goes wrong you will forever hold it against your DH and there is every chance of you having mental health issues rearing their ugly head as a result.

As for going private, where do you live? If you are outside the SE you may have problems. The only private maternity hospitals are located there. You CAN get private rooms in NHS hospitals.

You sound like me in many ways. The new NICE draft is in your favour. It would be worth you reading to get a full idea of what its about.

You can find it here:
www.nice.org.uk/guidance/index.jsp?action=folder&o=54526

You want to look at page 97 onwards.

Please remember throughout this, a significant number of maternal requests are directly connected to psychological reasons. You are not being a princess. You need to find your way through this in the best way you can.

If you need support with this, for the most part everyone here has been amazing about being fair and unjudgmental about my fears (I'm not pregnant and unlikely to be anytime soon). You aren't alone. Please talk about it. Everyone will give you the wealth of their knowledge and experience.

Dancelikethewind, I agree. You are not being a princess. Fears should not be stigmatised and if you want a c-section and you have researched it thoroughly, you should go ahead with it.

Get an NHS CS and a private/amenity room afterwards. Chances are it will only be for 1 or 2 nights anyway.

alternatively some NHS consultants will do you a private CS in an NHS hospital whch would keep costs down.

personally I was more than happy with my 2 NHS ELCS, the aftercare ward was only 6 of us and we were all post CS.

To be fair to him, whilst I think that it is your decision how you give birth, I think the fact that you're planning to spend several thousand pounds to do it privately means that it is his decision too - not because of the C-section in itself, but because of the money.

Why can't you have a C Section on the NHS instead? You can often pay extra for a private room. Admittedly you can't usually 100% guarantee you'll get one - I know that being on a ward post-birth isn't ideal but it is usually only for 2-3 days.