Birthing partner-what do you wish they had/n't done?

[awaywego1]

My best friend has asked me to be at the birth of her first child in Jan. I am very excited (and a bit scared!) Her DP will also be there. We have started to discuss it and will more so. I know she wants as natural a birth as possible, and would like me to help keep her in the hypnobirthing zone, encourage her, keep her dp calm etc..but as neither of us have given birth we are just guessing at what i might be useful for.
So any advice-what you would have loved/hated etc would be helpful. I realise its all personal but it'll give me ideas of stuff to talk to her about.
Thanks in advance!

DH did everything I wanted him to, namely try to talk me out of an epidural if I asked for one (in fact, the MW suggested to us that I have one as I was going to be another 12 hours or so on a Synto drip at full strength) and under no circumstances was he to allow me to agree to forceps.

In the end, I did agree to forceps, but he checked and re-checked with me that I was sure, theatre was in use so I couldn't have gone for a caesarean (which was what I wanted instead of forceps, quite categorically stated in my birth plan) at that time and I just wanted the pain to stop (the epidural had worn off so that I could push but I wasn't getting any break in contractions, it was just one long continuous pain)

He made sure I had a drink nearby when I needed one, kept me topped up with glucose tablets and wasn't afraid to get down to the business end of things when it was needed, despite being absolutely adamant beforehand. He encouraged me by telling me he could see DD's head, and the look of shock, wonder and near-disgust on his face spurred me on to keep going.

No particular advice here as it is very individual other than to ask if you are going to any hypnobirthing classes with them so you have more of an idea what it is all about, or at least reading up about it? I assume you would be. Also watch One Born Every Minute & look closely at the partner's behaviour - maybe it won't be so obvious to someone who hasn't been present at a birth before but to me it is pretty clear when the partner is not being an arse! You will also see the variation between labouring women & some commonalities.

Maybe stupid advice but the two things that stand out for me that I would change from both previous births and will try to prime DH to keep reminding me this time (Jan.) are
-to remember to wee - I completely forgot about it both times and had to be catheterised because bladder so full it was blocking baby's exit route!!

• and to rest more earlier on and when things ramp up try and keep more active. Last times he was encouraging me to rest on the bed towards the end and once I'd got on it the painwas so intense I couldn't get off it again, despite the MWs trying to encourage me to be more active and if poss vertical to help LO "down".

HTH

I have a few posts on this on my blog:
hackneydoula.co.uk/?p=392
hackneydoula.co.uk/?p=407
hackneydoula.co.uk/?p=434

If you listen to her and be led by her you'll be fine!

Just whatever you do, do it with confidence - easier said than done in th heat of the moment but the worst thing my hubby did when I was in labour was ask me what he should do! To be fair he did realise he had to get on with it pretty quick but it did mean I lost some confidence in him right from the beginning - even if he. Had got it wrong it wouldnt have mattered as I could have just shouted at him! But the indecision made me feel I couldn't rely on him a but. Otherwise he was good I have to say but he'll admit he was overwhelmed by the whoe thing!

I was quite shocked when my doula positioned herself right between my legs behind the MW when I was pushing DD out. We hadn't discussed this type of thing in our preparatory sessions, but I think I had just assumed that because it wasn't necessary for her to do this in order to do her job, she wouldn't. I was in too much pain and distress to ask her to move. Might be good to get straight on that issue? DH is very squeamish and we'd already agreed that he wouldn't be at the business end of things and I was fine with the MW, because she has to in order to do her job properly.

thanks! this is all eally helpful.
idlevice-we're not going to classes but will get familiar with it through the book and cd and we are going to have a couple of practices.
carda-i dont think she'll want me down the buisness end..shes got the midwife and dh for that-but i'll ask her.

awaywego1 the best advice my DH got was only to ask Yes/No questions because you can't make a decision about anything when in labour!

Don't ask "What do you want?" Ask *Do you want something to eat / drink / to sit on the birthing ball?

Keep offering a drink as its really hot in those places. Take straws as sipping from a cup/bottle is hard in some positions.

abeautifulbutterfly - I was the same, I filled two kidney dishes as I didn't wee enough!

• just be there. DH's presence was calming and when he did leave, however briefly, to use the loo/grab food/whatever, I became much more anxious until he returned. That was even though he was banned from walking round, talking, touching me, reading and at one point even breathing because it all irritated the hell out of me!
• know where everything is in your bag for when you decide you need a hair bobble/make up remover/a note pad/other random item and you need it NOW
• follow every command. Despite having agreed beforehand that DH wouldn't go down the business end because he is squeamish and therefore I thought he would be useless, the MW and I wanted him involved once I got to pushing. In that half hour he amazed me with his strength, calmness and ability more than he ever did before or has since, and now when I think back to giving birth my clearest memory is of the wonderful father of my child. Basically, go with the flow

I would suggest you be prepared for any situation. Allthough your friend wants a relaxed natural birth it wouldnt hurt for you (definitely not her) to read a little about what can happen if things dont go quite to plan (ie if medical intervention is needed). This will help you remain calm & know roughly what is happening to translate this to your friend so she stays as calm & focused as possible.

If her dh goes into a state of shock (like mine did), then you need to step in. He can go for drinks and snacks. If he is doing everything, then you can be the 'runner '. Make sure you know the route to hospital /ward (see above re dh) .

Have a good poker face..I was completely unaware that things for us weren't going very well. DH had a great poker face and I'm so grateful for that, as once I was aware I started to panic but by that time I was rushed into the OR.

Be calm, positive and smile lots!!!!

For me the most important thing was having someone (a paramedic as it happened) holding my hand and telling me I was doing a brilliant job. My mw was a bit ferocious and dp a bit overwhelmed and at a loss for what to do so she was great. Also glad dp intervened to stop mw giving me episiotomy - I would have agreed to anything to get baby out but he knew I didn't want one and am glad I didn't get one.

Agree about the doing a brilliant job encouragement.

Swot up on birthing positions.

Respect if she wants to be left alone - do NOT ask for 'signs of life' as DH did when I was trying to block out the world.

Get good at giving back rubs.

Be confident!

thanks-this is brill. I need to get reading up on some things..and practice my calm but encouraging voice! I think that as much as anything i will be there to faciliate DP being great, don't want to get in the way too much iyswim, but am happy to run around being super helpful.

I found having a damp flannel to wipe your face and hands down during the pushing bit was great. You really don't realise how sweaty and mental you're getting during the BIG PUSH and a good wipe down in between contractions really helped.

Stay near the head end, especially if the birthing mother ends up with loads of docs and midwives between her legs.

Eat, drink and get the odd five minutes of fresh air yourself. It won't be helpful if you collapse 12 hours into the birth with low blood sugar.

Have phone numbers and a mobile so you can help the mother make calls post birth. Also, perhaps have her mobile to field calls - lots of annoying friends and relatives might call during the labour for updates.

LOL HandMini, I found that I couldn't stand DH mopping by brow/face with a damp flannel despite being hot and sweaty. He was taught to in antenatal classes as a way to help and I ended up getting really cross and throwing the flannel across the room!

Just goes to show that this is going to be different for each and every one of us.

DH did hold my hand lots though and say encouraging things which was really good. And we had a good laugh with our MW which helped relax me.

Ha ha....I found the hand holding annoying! I wanted both hands free to SQUEEEEEEZE the edge of the bed.

Wished he'd forced me to drink more. Had a very long labour at home and although he was offering me sips throughout I was told I was very dehydrated when I unfortunately ended up in hospital for the final bit.

Should have said, I partly blame the dehydration for not being able to push DS out at home.

Do not say under any circumstance that you do not like the midwife. Dh did this and it was all downhill from there

DH says that if you're doing hand holding then take off rings before your fingers get squeezed!

work with both her and her DH to make sure there won't be any kind of weird power struggle/stepping on toes which might cause her anxiety during labour - she won't really know how she'll react or what she'll need fully from you boht until she's in the throes of it but you both having clear defined roles between you will probably help. Definately decided if one of you will be the main advocate in hospital should intervention arise.

DH just being there really helped me - as soon as he mentally switched off I could tell and went into a panic. I had a homebirth and at one point he got bored and put the playstation on, slowed down my contractions so had to tell him to stop!! Also we went to a pain relief massage class beforehand and seeing as TENS pissed me off and gas and air did NOTHING I was relying solely on the massage and pressure points for pain relief - but then I think I get quite needy and vulnerable during childbirth and need to be touched, held and concentrated on, as opposed to blocking out the world.

When DS was born with some drama, forceps etc, there was a terrible bit where they were all clustered around him getting him to breathe and I felt as if I was left alone on the bed, calling out "what is happening?" DH was so caught up in the baby drama that he forgot that I didn't know what was going on, that he was a boy etc. So don't assume that the birthing mother can see and follow everything that is going on.

DS now 13 and 6 foot tall just cooking himself a plate of noodles as dinner does not touch the sides any more!