Birthing partner-what do you wish they had/n't done?

[awaywego1]

My best friend has asked me to be at the birth of her first child in Jan. I am very excited (and a bit scared!) Her DP will also be there. We have started to discuss it and will more so. I know she wants as natural a birth as possible, and would like me to help keep her in the hypnobirthing zone, encourage her, keep her dp calm etc..but as neither of us have given birth we are just guessing at what i might be useful for.
So any advice-what you would have loved/hated etc would be helpful. I realise its all personal but it'll give me ideas of stuff to talk to her about.
Thanks in advance!

I wish DH hadn't managed to accidently pull the oxytocin drip out of my hand :o.

I wish I hadn't managed to accidently pull the oxytocin drip out of my own hand and spray paint DP in blood because I was so loaded on all sorts of chemicals. Oops. He was really very good about it.

I'm not really making a birth plan with DC 2 other than telling DP who will be my birth partner again, to remember that drugs do funny things to people.

If you do a search on here you'll find lots of threads about the random things people - both mums' in labour and birth partners - do and say in labour. Definately practice that poker face.

My DH was great but I wish he'd familiarised himself with the hospital bag so that I didn't have to explain to him where things were when I needed a cold flannel, drink etc. I was a bit preoccupied and wish he hadn't done his usual trick of being unable to find things right in front of his nose

DH scored massive points for calm, quiet encouragment and praise during contractions - not talking AT me, just sort of quietly saying how well I was doing. And sounding completely confident in me. Also looking suitably awed and shit-scared at times.

Lost massive points for eating / doing anything distracting during contractions when actually his job (as I saw it) was to do the above and follow me round with gas and air and frozen juice at the ready. And looked AWED at my amazingness and not bored by yet another contraction. :)

I was very grateful that he did everything I asked him. Backed me up when I said what I wanted (no ARM.) Backed midwife up when it became clear that I needed intervention but I couldn't understand why as was in transition.

He also didn't phone my mum or give her any details for the nearly 20 hours. She was beside herself.

And what happens in delivery room stays in delivery room.

During contactions I couldn't - speak,touch,look at my partner and didn't want him to - speak or touch me.In labour all I wanted was for him to encourage,re-assure me and hold my hand,he did none of those things,and I barely remember him being there!still trying to get my head round it.

Just wanted to update this for all the lovely people that gave me advice. (long-sorry)
My friend had a little (big-9.8) girl at the weekend. She has come home today. It was the most amazing, terrifying and emotional experience of my life.
Planned homebirth-waters broke at 2am-using hypnobirthing and pool until 9cm-she was amazing, i was so in awe. I could only tell she was having contractions by her pressing the tens machine button and then using the gas and air in the pool. She had two midwifes (one male) with her and me and her partner, the midwifes were amazing. At 7pm they were worried she wasn't progressing and said they would give her an hour. Just as they were about to phone an ambulance she got out of the pool and started pushing. We spent 3.5 hours with her pushing on the bed, but the baby was in a very awkward position (i dont know what it was but they just kept saying that she needed to get her round a corner) My friend was still amazingly calm but clearly in a lot of pain and exhausted, and there was a lot of meconium. They started to get worried as the baby just wasnt shifting so we had emergency transfer to hospital, met with a consultant and paeditrician and more midwifes. Consultant manually moved baby into better position and used ventouse, my friend was literally on last chance to push baby out with no pain relief at this point, they were prepping theatre. She bled a lot (they said this was because she had been in labour for so long) but we held the baby on her the whole time and she used the g&a. I was terrified at this point, the consultant was clearly worried and my friend in awful pain-i saw things that no woman without children should see (its put me off for life ;) Eventually they stiched her up as she had a lot of tearing and she was transferred to hdu. She stayed for 3 nights as she was very weak and fainting etc but shes home today, weak but happy.
In the whole time she never cried or said that she couldn't do it (although that would have beenfine if she had!) I think the hypnobirthing was amazingly helpful-even in the hospital. She found some inner strength from somewhere, and i am so proud of her and feel so privlidged to have been part of it.
The last couple of days have been difficult, i've cried and cried and not slept.. I think i thought i was going to lose her..but have seen her today and things are much better and have had a cuddle with a gorgeous baby.
Thankyou for all your advice, things didn't go entirely to plan, and at times i felt crap and useless, but i was there and focused and calm and i guess thats all i can ask of myself.
God knows what will happen when i have kids, elective c-section under general i think ;) x x

Well done for being calm, and well done your friend!

Keep an eye on her over the coming weeks, she may do a good show of being strong but may (she may not) be gutted that she didn't get the homebirth she wanted and needed help at the end. Having been there with her you are someone who can tell her just how well she did and who will understand what she went through (even though you've not done it yourself, IYSWIM)

You're right- I think it will hit her soon. At the moment she is just feeding and sleeping and loving her little girl. At somepoint she will probably want to talk through what happened and i can only say that she did everything she could do have the baby at home and she stayed to the absolute last moment when the midwifes said it was non-negotiable.
The consultant said that there was no way that she would never have got the baby out without help due it its size and position. At the moment the hardest thing is staying away and letting her rest, but i know thats what i have to do x

Maybe you could write her a card somethng like you have said tonus here...saying how in awe of her you are, how wonderful and brave and strong she was, how she was, what a wonderful mother... If she feels down and exhausted and upset in weeks to come ( and what new mum doesn't?) having you being witness to her strength and your admiration to refer to in writing could be a real source of encouragement and help.

She may want to talk through the birth at a later stage and might even feel guilty for putting you though it - your record of admiration could mean more than you can guess...

Well done for being a great birth partner!

Oh and be gentle with yourself, that was obviously very traumatic for you. Good on you for having a good cry. Maybe download on a friend or consellor if recalling it becomes intrusive...birth is a pretty visceral experience.

Well done you! She will more than likely want to talk about what happened at some point and may well turn to you as you were there. Yes you saw some things that are very scary but you done good. Normally for the new mum these 'scary' memories fade with time but it may take you a bit longer as you are not the one with a newborn baby to distract them IYSWIM. Definitely have a good cry and perhaps have a chat with her partner also, as he may be feeling the same as you.

Also, dont feel you need to stay too far away - she trusted you to be there with her so she may want to see you more than some distant relative that stays too long and expects her to make them coffee. I'm sure you know her well enough to know how much space she needs.

Thanks forall the kind words. I gave them both a card today, thanking them for letting me be there and telling them how amazing they were etc and just got a beautiful text from her.
I had lots of cuddles with the baby today which really helped me move on from the bad bits. I've written down my account of what happened which i will let her read should she need to and she had a debrief from the midwife today which is so important. I'm a PTSD therapist in real life so will be keeping a close eye on her, but think she is going to be fine :)