Dad to be - help in preparing for childbirth

[NigelM]

Hi All

My wife and I are due our first in mid november, I dont mind admitting that I find the 'actual event' phenomenally frightening, the overwhelming fear I have is of complications that could put her life at risk, I flinch when friends who have given birth talk of stitches and blood loss, its difficult putting into words but I just dont want her to suffer at all, I know its a wonderful thing to be happening but Im just scared about what might happen to her and know that she will need me to be strong and supportive,

Of course we are both going to all the NCT classes avaliable but I really want to be prepared before then and have searched Amazon for any books that detail the birthing process but am struggling to find anything, does anyone have any recommendations or advice about what books I should read? I want to be as informed and prepared as it is possible to be.

Thanks

Nigel
(who's a little bit scared)

Tell her she is wonderful
Tell her she 'is doing it' even when she tells you she can't
Tell her you have never found her more beautiful
Tell her she is amazing
Tell her you are proud

Hold her hand, hold her up, help her dance her labour dance but most importantly just be there and love her.

You need to have a talk before the day so you know what she wants.....I begged my hubby for an epidural for No.2 but I would have been most disappointed if he had agreed with me...we had the transition talk and he knew I would panic and it was a no go. I also told him I had changed my mind and didn't want a baby at all...please take me home....yup thats when he realised it was transition talk!

Its scary having a baby...but its also amazing. Enjoy it x

Not to be negative (I will spare you the details of my experience) but I was all prepared for transition to be hard/ contractions to be painful but I wasn't prepared for it to end with an emergency caesarian. I think 20% of babies now are delivered by c-section and I wish I had considered it as a possible beforehand. I am sure it will all be fine but you can't be that prepared for how things will go.

Nigel, I'm sure you will be fine, but I understand how hard it is to imagine what's going to happen and how you can help.

For me, the best thing my DH did for me, besides being there, was to champion my cause, and shove nudge midwives in the right direction when it came to helping me. I had a terrible experience with MWs, and if it hadn't been for DH threatening to sue fighting my corner, I don't think I would have got through it as I was so exhausted I barely remember what happened!

Make sure you and your wife have discussed the birth plan, what her ideal would be like and what she'd be prepared to undertake if it doesn't go quite to plan. But also make sure you really listen to her and her needs during the process because they may be totally different from what she planned!

Good luck, you sound lovely and I'm sure your DW will be lucky to have you there with her

nigel if you can afford it, hire a doula, worth her wiehgt in gold. she will help perpare you and your wife antenatally, she will support you in the best ways to support your wife. She is not there to take over from you, but to help you come together as a team to get the best birth experience possible. She will also support you with bf and postnatally too.

Message me if you'd like more details, definately worth looking into.

Good luck. :)

I think it must be hard for the men as the labouring woman is totally absorbed in what she is doing. My dh and several of my male friends have reported feeling a bit helpless.

Most people have covered all of the points. I'd like to add, if you DW ends up with a caesarian like I did then hold her hand and talk to her throught the procedure. DH did this for me and it helped me to focus on him and stay calm. I'm not sure what format of nct classes you are doing (some are weekly, some only on a weekend). But at ours we did a session on interventions, we also went on a hospital tour with the NHS class and these were both very helpful.

ps, if you don't want to see whats happening in a c section, don't look at the big light as it reflects everything!

My DH was there throughout and my Mum who was a health visitor. Mum stayed at the head end and hubby at the business end - but he is a livestock farmer so knows quite a bit about 'birthing' mammals. They could easily have swapped! From my point of view I wanted them there to keep an eye and make sure I got what was needed because I was quite out of it concentrating the job in hand. They were my 'team'. It may help to think of it like that.

In both mine there was no blood and no pain - just hard work! and it took 4 hours first time and 2 second time as I simply didn't feel first stage happening! The point here is that it is different for each person and each time. In this 'uncertain future' age that is daunting. Baby books can only generalise and are paranoid about 'confusing' us poor dears! What they should do is a 'Mumsnet' and share the incredible variation of experiences - cf Life of Brian 'Yes we are all different!' That way folk would be better prepared and cope better when the unexpected happens.

Let's face it some people are better able to rise to the occasion than others but it is really Mum's call on this one I feel (DH agrees and he picked up and held them both first not the midwife when they had sorted the cord - which he wasn't interested in cutting when they suggested it - my Mum took photos which we treasure of those moments).

DH says talk to other Dads - there ought to be a Dad's thread here surely? Then you will be more prepared for whatever happens. He says focus on your wife and soon your child; but do keep your wits about you and gen up on the subject - Penelope Leach was our personal favourite.

It is one of life's big adventures!
Hope this is useful...
Best wishes

Hi Nigel, have read all of the other posts!! Sweetheart I think you are wonderful!! Childbirth is the most natural thing in the world, it's scary, utterly exhausting for both of you, painful for your wife but the medical team on hand will help with that!! Focus on giving your wife all your love and attention as you both bring your little miracle into the world, have had three births and they were all TOTALLY different. Didn't know the sex of any of ours and when darling hubby was handed his only son (we thought I was having a girl) after some 24 hours the look of utter bewilderment and joy on his face made up for anything I had gone through. Enjoy that very unique and special moment when you become a 'daddy' and you realise that you will do anything in the world for the little bundle that has just been handed to you!! From that point on it gets a bit mad, tiring but utterly brilliant!! When you do have your darling little one then try to keep everyone on here posted if you ever get the chance. I think all us mums out there would love to hear from you!!

Try not to overthink it too much.
As long as you are putting your DWs needs first, being her advocate with the medical staff, and generally being there for her, you will be doing a great job.

The real hard work will start for YOU once the baby is born, when you will need to do everything you can to ensure your DW is rested, loved, supported and cosseted in those first trying few days with your newborn!

Agree with Mrs Tittlemouse. Be as supportive as you can and don't be too surprised if your wife behaves a little strangely during labour! Just go with the flow and what ever happens just be there to support her and love her and tell her how utterly fantastic she is!! You've already asked for support from us lot, I think you will be a great daddy!! Good luck!!

I think nearly everything has been said, but I would second considering hiring a doula. They are wonderful, wonderful people and will support you as well as your wife. There is something amazingly reassuring about having someone with you, the whole time, whose job isn't the medical side but to reassure and support both of you.

The antenatal side is so so helpful too. It can be really personalised for you as a family and, if things change (like needing a planned section), you can have personalised preparation for that too.

NCT is fine and everything, but actually it left me woefully underprepared for my first labour - by its nature, it can't cover everything in six sessions or whatever, and my first birth was difficult. I'd have needed the teacher in the room to help understand and influence things positively, which is effectively what I got with DD2, but with a greater level of knowledge.

Doulas aren't just for homebirths, they do amazing work at all sorts of births. Sorry, I know I sound like a total zealot, but I loved ours to bits and really feel it made the difference between an amazing homebirth and a stressful hospital birth, probably with lots of interventions (long story, won't bore you...).

It's worth bearing in mind that there is no rule which says you absolutely must be present. Most men nowadays will be, but this is by no means the only way. I wasn't present for the arrival of my DS and I was quite happy with that, as was my DP. I don't feel like I missed out.

DH (blood phobic - he nearly fainted) saw DS half way in and half way out, his nose just uncovered and mouth etc still inside. He saw him open just one eye and look around. Gory. But awesome. In both the progressive and trad sense of the word!

Just tell her she is doing a fantastic job and its all happening as it should and that you think she is being a real amazon.

The actual birth bit (pushing) is relatively quick - the vast majority of labour is your OH having contractions and moaning and breathing and shouting etc etc. No gore or anything.

By the time baby is born and the head comes out it is not like it just happens in the cold light of day. You are in a different place hormonally and physiologically. Your wife will be on endorphins and you'll be on adrenaline and cortisone! You'll be surprised what you can deal with when push comes to shove (pardon the phrase!).

Like someone else said, my DH ended up holding one foot on his chest while they got the scissors out to do my episiotomy and then shouting at encouraging me to push (I was shouting like anything too!). He took photos - the business end did look quite bloody esp with the episiotomy wound, but you pass over that as you are concentrating, with all the midwives around you, on getting the baby out and its very exciting too - as you know baby is about to be here. When the pushing stage comes, suddenly there is a build up of excitement, there are more people in the room, people are bustling around getting towels ready etc, and the whole thing takes on an momentum of its own which is great after the hours of hanging around and supporting your OH through endless contractions.

You will barely notice the blood etc. And i'd had an epidural so didn't feel a thing apart from being exhausted after a 37 hour labour and almost popping my eyes out from trying so hard to push her out.

You'll be fine honest, events will take over and you will just deal with it.

Best of luck!

Stay clear of the business end! Do exactly what she asks of you. Don't complain if your hand is sore from being squeezed too much. Never ever remind her of anything she said or did after the event. She probably won't remember the finer details anyway.

I do feel for you. I've given birth three times. I wouldn't want to watch someone I love giving birth. It bloody hurts!

My DH is a bit squeamish but he coped fine and wasn't traumatised.

For me the bad bit was forgotten about pretty much as soon as the baby was born.

Good luck.

PS its very very emotional watching a baby come out. I think its sometimes more emotional for the dad than the mum - my H was in floods of tears and heaving sobs whereas I felt very calm and serene! Don't be embarassed - your wife will love you forever if you cry a lot!

Oh, be sure and tell her how proud you are of her, that she's the best wife in the world etc....

Thank you all once again, I really appreciate the advice (not to mention the extremely kind words) offered, and i now feel reassured and scared in equal measure which is progress!

Moving house this weekend, think I must be a sadist.......!