Dad to be - help in preparing for childbirth

[NigelM]

Hi All

My wife and I are due our first in mid november, I dont mind admitting that I find the 'actual event' phenomenally frightening, the overwhelming fear I have is of complications that could put her life at risk, I flinch when friends who have given birth talk of stitches and blood loss, its difficult putting into words but I just dont want her to suffer at all, I know its a wonderful thing to be happening but Im just scared about what might happen to her and know that she will need me to be strong and supportive,

Of course we are both going to all the NCT classes avaliable but I really want to be prepared before then and have searched Amazon for any books that detail the birthing process but am struggling to find anything, does anyone have any recommendations or advice about what books I should read? I want to be as informed and prepared as it is possible to be.

Thanks

Nigel
(who's a little bit scared)

Actually if I had known how utterly gruesome and gory the whole thing was going to be I would never have wanted my DH to be there.
He was traumatised but I was oblivious to it all.
I had the benefit of drugs and in retrospect I wish I had asked my mother or sister instead.

Pootle, it's not always long and boring, my labour was 6 and a quarter hours from my waters breaking to my baby being born. My waters went at 5:43am, contractions started coming every 2-3 minutes straight away, and Poppy was born at 12pm on the dot! That was a "waters breaking and mad rush to the hospital" and we had to travel 30 miles to the hospital!

One good tip is suggest to your DW that she has another birth partner aswell as you, I had my DP and my sister there, it was so much better because it meant there was less pressure on DP if he needed to leave the room for any reason. Also, it meant DP had someone to talk to while I was snoozing between each contraction (I had diamorphine which made me really sleepy).

Ok sorry should have said 'isn't always'! Just out of interest - How come it was a mad rush if your labour was 6 hours? Really dont' mean that rudely, just curious!

Hello Nigel,

Having just spoken to my DH he say's make sure you are wearing layers as it becomes very hot (even in November when we had DD).

Advice from my point of view:
*Make sure you know what your wife wants in her birth plan, when she gets frightened she will need you to speak up for her.
*Pack lots of snacks and offer her drinks.....it's easy to forget you need the energy when your mid labour!
*Go with the flow....with DS I didn't want to be touched lots but with DD I needed back rubs, hugs and kisses.
*Remember if it all gets a bit hectic with delivery or blood loss etc it is your job to stay calm. Keep telling her she is ok, how well she is doing and that your right there. I lost a lot with both DC's and needed the support when the medics looked panicked my DH was a rock (he was petrified but so strong for me).
*Should she need a transfusion etc be with her and help with feeding (support, bring baby to her etc) and with the transfusion going in the midwife suggested my DH bottle fed our DS, we said no and he simply helped me to get comfortable and delt with the baby other than feeding for the 48hrs.

Good luck!

I'd agree a second birth partner can be good. My poor dh was absolutely useless when I was having dd, I think because he was terrified. He played on the ds for hours, moaned about being tired and then insisted we turn the radio off even though I was listening to it (he hasn't lived the last bit down). This time I'm having a doula, but I'd still like him to be there too, if he wants.
Its nice you're thinking so carefully about it all!

I think my DP felt the same and he didn't do any antenatal classes!

I think when the time comes something takes over and powers you through but here are some tips:

He stayed head end as the baby isn't aware but I was. He provided sips of cold water, made sure the gas and air was nearby at all times and used a cold flannel to cool me down as a lot of women get really hot. These were all simple things but they made all the difference.

Make sure you've got a clear idea of her wants for the birth too, I went through my absolute I do not wants and he could stick up for me when I got a bit emotional

Whatever happens tell her she's doing well!

Try and get a sports bottle - something which holds a lot of water and has a flexible straw. If your wife is on the gas and air, she'll get thirsty and need a lot of water. My DH had to keep running to and from the drinking fountain with a plastic cup and it was a PITA.

My sister gave birth three weeks after me, and celebrated her wedding anniversary in the period between our two deliveries. We bought them a sports bottle as an anniversary present and they were a bit but told us after the birth that they couldn't have managed without it!

Other than that, just keep calm and do whatever you need to reassure your wife. Whatever you do, DON'T dismiss how difficult/ painful it is, or tell her what she SHOULD be doing.

You'll be fine

Agree with all the advice on here but also, make sure you look after yourself - take plenty of snacks, drinks for both of you, a change of clothes and a wash bag for yourself.

Also take something to keep you occupied in case your wife needs you less than you anticipate....

This happened to us as the reaction I had to the Gas and Air basically meant that I slept through labour.

Apart from answering the midwifes questions about how I was doing and looking after me a couple of times when I threw up, he was left sat in the room with absolutely nothing to do for five hours.

He says that between the bits where he was needed (which were few and far between for the most part) up until I started pushing, it was the most boring night of his life. It was made worse by the fact that it was the middle of the night but he obviously couldn't go to sleep either (although obviously meeting DD at the end of it, more than made up for it).

This time round he will definitely be taking something to do, just in case the same happens again!

I think I read about mantenatal classes, but it depends on where you live. Google mantenatal.

If she has pethidine bear in mind she may well stop communicating with you, which might be scary for you but she'll be in her own world somewhere! My DH said that was the worst thing about DD's birth. I did without it for DS and was able to talk to him throughout, which was nicer for us both.

Don't stop her having whatever she needs though!

Nigel, I'd say talk to your wife as much as you can beforehand, about what she hopes for, definitely wants and definitely doesn't want and be her advocate when the time comes as she may not be able to speak up herself.
Go to antenatal classes, they may sugar coat it but you will know the basics of what to expect.
The most important thing to do is support your wife, physically and emotionally, stay positive and tell her how brilliant she is.

pootle it was a mad rush because when you go into labour with your first baby you dont expect your contractions to come every 2-3 minutes straight away! And when we rang the labour ward to tell them i was in labour they told us to get there asap, i was already 7cm when we got there and i got examined at about 6.30!

All the practical things I can think of have been mentioned already, but I did read a book called "stand and deliver... and other ways to give birth' (can't remember the author). She gives loads of case examples of (often) unusual births with a focus on home births. Although I had a normal low-risk pregnancy and wasn't planning a home birth I did find the book made me feel really confident about giving birth - that it was something my body was designed to do and that by being mentally prepared I would not struggle at all. I had been thinking 'I hope the birth goes well and I'll give bfing a go' but after reading this book I was telling everyone I was going to have a quick labour and I was definitely going to bf. My DD popped out in less than 3 hours and latched on straightaway!

Aah, NigelM, just by being so caring and wanting to be prepared you are most of the way towards being a perfect birth partner!
My personal, subjective notes:

1. I was terrified about anything medical, and just wanted to get on with a natural birth, on my own, at home, with DP and a sympathetic midwife. I did everything I could think of to avoid having any medical intervention, and especially end up in hospital. Well, after 28 hours in the pool at home I ended up in hospital with an epidural and a ventouse delivery. And you know what? None of my worst nightmares were as bad as I had made them out to be in my mind. Birth sounds TERRIFYING outside the context of doing it - the actual process of birthing a BABY.
2. Labouring women (well me, anyway) are noisy. I made loud noises for hours. But it was the enormity of the event, endomorphins, total immersion in what was happening, rather than actual pain. I was v noisy, had no pain relief (except pool and then epidural for ventouse after 3 hours of pushing). Labour is like walking up a big mountain - you think "why the fuck did I want to do this, this is awful" but you v v rarely turn back out of choice - you carry on because you know the reward is worth it.
3. As birth partner you don't have to necessarily do very much - just be there, advocate and be on her side - look out for her interests - if she seems unhappy with any procedues. Ask the q's you know she would wnat the answers to if any inerventions are suggested. But you can't take away the experience, so don't hand-wring uneccessarily - it's happening.

The NCT classes will help.

Congratulations on your expected baby!

We didnt bother going to any classes at all, not even the free NHS one. When we got there I had a water birth and there was no midwife with us from beginnning until I started pushing. My husband had to ring the bell to get someone to come as it was the busiest night there had been that year.

All fine though and its not scary, and tbh I think if we had thought about it more or prepared then it would of been more scary!

Well done for asking - you sound like you'll be great! A few tips that haven't been mentioned:

• remind her to pee. Everything gets a bit numb down there and a full bladder can get in the way of the baby's head. Mind you, being catheterised doesn't hurt her that much when everything is dead painful anyway.

• transition, the bit just before he baby arrives, is very weird. Some women shout and get sweary, some women apparently try to get up and leave and they've "had enough". With both of mine I got very concerned that I was letting everyone down by being so slow and got very teary about how rubbish I was. Be prepared for anything!

• The early stages can go on for ages and getting to hospital too early is crap for everyone. So try to help your wife stay at home as long as possible if your're having a hospital birth. Make sure she eats enough to keep her energy up.

• When she asks you to put on another video while she sways on her birth ball, don't put on that film you'd like to watch that she doesn't want to see. No matter how out of it she seems - it's annoying!

DH says - make sure the phone works, the car works/is full of petrol etc. Make sure you sit down if you're feeling panicky, fainting isn't a good idea. And if you're having a home birth with a pool, make sure the bloody tap adapter fits or you'll be rushing in and out of the kitchen with buckets of hot water!

Good luck and enjoy it - it's an amazing experience!

NigelM - I am a bloke. DW didnt go to NCT. I didn't go to any classes. Just read a book.

Pitched up at the hospital after about 4 hours of contractions at home. Be warned this can go on and on for aaaaaaaaages.

Spent all night waiting for DS1 to arrive. There is nothing you can do. Just shut up and sit/lay down. Respond to whatever your DW wants. Its her birth. Not yours. For once in your life you are not in charge. The midwife knows what she is doing and you dont.

By all means sit at the messy end. I did. Its really not at all bad and actually quite awe inspiring in the end. The only thing you absolutley must do is make sure your wife gets everything she asks for. The midwife at the birth of DS2 tried to deny DW the epidural she asked for. I had to step in and put the midwife straight - DW was having an epidural. The pathetic excuse that the anesthetists were busy was not going to wash with me.

Good luck. Listen to your wife and respond to her. Be her spokesman when she can't speak for herself and shut up when she can. Do as she says and don't get in the way of the midwife. The birth will not go as your DW and you imagined it would. Go with the flow.

The moment you hold your baby will be one of the best in your life. I was quite emotional and wasn't expecting to be at all.

Hi,

Stay at the top end for sure and be just as supportive as you can. No criticism at any point, just encouragement and lots of it. And make sure you tell her how proud you are of her at the end of it and spoil her a bit too!
Good luck!

Top tips from me -

Her job is to deliver the baby, your job is to response to her every whim so that she is in the best possible environment to deliver the baby. She'll be too hot, too cold, too thirsty, too full, want back rubs, want to be left completely alone, and all in quick succession. It's not an insult to you when she tells you not to touch her, it's just what she needs at the time, and if she tells you very abruptly, it's probably just because a contraction is coming and she needs to get the information out quickly while she still can!

Take snacks for you, but nothing that smells (so no cheese and onion crisps for example - cereal bars are ideal) - the sense of smell in labour can be really heightened and DH's breath made me sick. Encourage her (gently) to eat and drink, as labour can go on for a long time and it's easy to forget when you're contracting.

The only thing that you should say to her is how well she is doing. First time around DH started shouting at me to "PUSH!". Not helpful. I was well aware what I needed to do, and having someone shouting at me just made me angry. Second time around, he got the idea. :)

Try to stay calm. Good luck to both of you. :)

On no accounts say your hand hurts, you're tired or scared. You must be your partners advocate. You must be the calm one. You need to do as you are told and on no account must you wander off for a drink, smoke, wee or anything. My DH did this and it really, really pissed me off. I was being completely unreasonable of course, but at the time I was scared and in huge amounts of pain.

It is messy and painful but that moment you get your baby. Best feeling in the world. ever.

Make sure you eat too, DH got to the stage where he'd not eaten for 12 + hours, and esp towards the end your DW will need you to be at best, not nearly fainting from hunger.

Don't worry about the birth - that'll look after itself...

It's the next 18 years you need to worry about.

(especially when the sleepless nights have really kicked in)

Hi Nigel. It certainly sounds like you are well on your way to being a perfect birth partner. My advice would be:

1. Go to at least one ante natal class. It helps to know what's normal, both at the birth and afterwards (hint: normal covers a huge spectrum of experience) and it shows DW you are interested/care.

1. Don't feel you have to stick to staying at the top end if you want to see what's going on. My DH is pretty squeamish about periods etc but told me quietly a few days after the birth that he had watched baby coming out and it had been totally miraculous and awe-inspiring

1. Take your shirt off immediately to be ready for some skin to skin contact once your DW has had an initial cuddle. DH did this entirely spontaneously and it really moved me.

1. LISTEN to her. I found I couldn't hear whether MW was telling me to push or not push over the racket of my own heavy breathing. I turned to DH and said 'I can't hear her, tell me what to do!' and he obliged.

1. Hold her hand and look her in the face the whole time. Say the same thing over and over again, even after the 50th time she still needs to hear you saying she is doing well.

1. Post birth when still in hospital there are a lot of things that are very difficult and quite traumatic for DW, even after a good experience: there will be some blood loss and she will hate feeling messy/dirty (your role is to help her have a shower and not mind the mess); she will have great trouble getting up and walking around (help her); she will need lots of tea and toast (serve her first); if she needs stitches which she almost certainly will, she may find that as traumatic as the birth (be strong for her).

1. When you get home, anticipate everything and do it before she has to ask, be it putting the washing on or helping her with feeding.

1. Finally, and most importantly, enjoy your new son or daughter, and the precious first days as a family. You are the gatekeeper, don't let too many people visit/call at first. You will never have this time again when only you two know your LO.

You will be great!

With ref to #2 above, his words were 'I saw your fanny turn inside out. It was incredible. Not awful, just incredible'.