Still obsessing about my birth :-(

[AngryGnome]

I had DS just over 5 months ago, birth was a bit grim but won't go into details on this thread. It wasn't nearly as bad as some women's experience, but it was bad enough to me.

Anyway, I am still constantly pre-occupied with what happened, and with complications since. I want to talk about it all the time, and I think I am driving people mad, especially the mums from my ante-natal group. We all swapped war stories in the early weeks, but they all seem to have "moved on" whereas I constantly bring it up. I try to talk to DH but he finds it hard to talk about and would rather leave it in the past. Friends without babies don't seem to understand - fair enough, I wouldn't have done either. I feel so alone with it - I feel as though no matter how many times I talk about it, no-one really understands. I have nightmares at least once a week remembering it. I had a debrief when in hospital, but it didn't seem to help.

Does anyone else feel like this? I don't think it is PND, I have now bonded well with DS, though it took some time and I don't feel depressed (i have experienced depression twice in my life). I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. My HV is lovely, but I don't really want her to know how I feel - I don't think she would believe me anyway, I am always very smiley and upbeat on the outside, and i ticked all the "right" answers on my PND questionnaire.

Will this ever go away? Any advice on how not to alienate friends and/or how not to bore them to tears talking about it would be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks

I think it can be fairly normal to keep going over childbirth, it's your mind trying to process what is an enormously important and often traumatic event I think?

My DD's birth was quite straightforward I think but it's only recently that I've stopped thinking about it. If you've got ongoing problems and the birth was quite difficult, I dont think t's any wonder that you're still processing it. Maybe you could speak to GP/HV? Don't be too hard on yourself though, everybody deals with things their own way.

Yes. It's normal.

My son is now 12. His birth was very traumatic (short story - shoulder dystocia, he nearly died, I haemoraged, he was left with erbs palsy). It was three years before I could talk about it without starting to sob and shake.

If you want to talk about it I would be happy to listen. You can pm me any time. xx

Thank you for your helpful replies, and for your kind offer Hecate - I'm so sorry to hear about your experience

I will check out that link Darth - thank you for posting it.

I think rationally I know that 5 months is such a short time to process things, and that it is normal to go over and over things, but seeing everyone else around me coping so well was starting to make me feel like a bit of a freak - still, should know better than to assume that everyone's smiley face reflects how they feel all the time.

Thanks again for your replies - this is why i love MN

I was the 'you' in my antenatal group who had to talk over my birth for months after the others seemed over theirs, and yes frankly abit bored. I thought about the fragments of DS's birth that I could remember (I had an emcs after he got stuck head sideways and then a haemorrhage so there's lots I don't) every day for the first 6 months of his life and I googled, and googled and googled to try to work out what went wrong. I too never thought of myself as having post natal depression, although now looking back I wonder how close I was, I bonded with my son but was bloody hard to be around if you were my hubbie. A tough birth is such a hard thing to process, please don't beat yourself up about it, talking is actually one of the most helpful things you can do to deal with your emotions, you're totally doing the right thing. FWIW I'm now epecting my second 20 months on and I'm finally feeling some calm about my first delivery. Whether I'll still feel like that in 6 months time is another matter. But I truly wish you the best of luck.

Poppet and I had the same experience (baby in deep transverse arrest) and have shared war stories before.

It took 3 years for me to even look at a birth programme or manage to mention dd's birth without sobbing. I had ptsd but with hindsight I think I had pnd as well.

I finally (after breaking down in a family planning clinic) was referred for a proper debrief and counselling. I should have done it sooner. I recommend it to you. You need to talk about and you must.

I'm expecting number 2 as well and even a year ago I could NOT have done this.

i certainly can't watch one born every minute, and i have to leave the room if any birthing stories come on in soaps or anything. I'm inspired to hear that you have gone on to have more children - at the moment I can't imagine being able to do that, but I would like to think I could have more children in the future. Why is it that everyone starts asking when are you having the next one as soon as you come home from the hospital???

Darth - i completely agree that this issue seems to be brushed under the carpet for a lot of women

I'm a month short of 12 years down the line and I still can't watch births.

I think it never goes away. It stops being at the front of your mind, in time, but you never forget.

It takes time. It takes going over and over and over it. You need to, in order to process it.

I'd listen to you!

Have you tried writing it all down? I did this and found myself re-writing adn reading it whilst not annoying people by repeating myself.

i also spoke to a midwife about it. Ask a health visitor or call a hospital and ask if you can talk to someone. They went through my notes with me and went through all the blurry bits. I asked them about 3 months after I'd had ds1. Found a quiet time on the ward and went in. It was great.

i hope you get to talk about it properly soon. Congrats by the way.

Give yourself time. This is a trauma and it will take time for you to make your peace with it.

For me, it was DS's birth by elCS that healed the trauma that was DD's vaginal birth.

I'm not up to date with current practices but I understand you can have a de-brief with your midwife which might help a bit?

I had three medically 'easy' straightforward births but because I wasn't aware of what to expect, I found my first so traumatic I couldn't stop talking about it to anyone who would listen and it really impacted on my relationship with my DD.

Even an uncomplicated labour & birth is life-changing and can be shockingly brutal. I found I gained so much respect for women who had given birth but also felt equally betrayed by them because they didn't offer me any preparation for the ordeal I had to go through.

I hope you find some peace and and in time come to terms with what happened.

"also felt equally betrayed by them because they didn't offer me any preparation for the ordeal I had to go through"

My thoughts exactly.

Thank you again for your kind messages - WowOoo I think your advice about writing it down is really good, and I think I will have a go at that soon. Think I will have a large glass of red at hand when I do so....

I think it is the shock about how brutally primal it is that is so terrifying. I did all my hypnobirthing classes, NCT classes etc and nothing prepared me for birth. Long story short, I was induced and then left with no obs for about 10 hours, waters broken, epidural, drip, 20+ hours of pushing followed by failed forceps and c section as DS in danger. DS fortunately healthy but left with permanent scarring from forceps, me left with permanent nerve damage due to injury to spinal cord. It actually seems weird to sum it up in such a short way - it seems like nothing. I am going to sit down and try to write it properly, but it seems that every time I try to express it, it betrays my actual experience.

I'm sure I'll get there, we all do eventually, right?

"also felt equally betrayed by them because they didn't offer me any preparation for the ordeal I had to go through"

I felt that too, but months later I remembered that one or two women had tried to tell me, and I'd shut them out, too afraid to listen to them properly.

I found it helpful to go through my labour ward notes and see comments about how well I'd done - because I felt guilty for not doing better.

I had a normal delivery, with just a bit of tearing, but it was a long labour and I was horrified at how violent and brutal it all was. It took months to process.

Have you considered going to your hospital's birth afterthoughts service if they have one. We are going next week (7 months on). Hopefully they will be able to answer my questions and not fob me off with "it's one of those things" and "you were just unlucky". I believe that it is a senior MW who will see us and not in the maternity section.

alto2 I agree. Writing it down on my post-natal thread DS's birth 5 days ago seems easy and positive and it was, really it was, but I can't even begin to process the 'trauma'. I can only imagine how many times more difficult that must be to process with a complex birth.

OP do talk it out with someone, anyone, as much as you need to. It will help to heal.

at Turtles I thought you'd name changed but haven't forgotten your PM - I just had a spate of light bleeding so a bit panicked about it all - had a reassurance scan and saw a heartbeat but am feeling antsy til my 12 week scan a week on Thursday. After that I'm with the programme! Hope things are going really well with you.

Hi OP, there is an organisation called The Birth Trauma Association (www.birthtraumaassociation.co.uk) that you may find useful. There are stories and contacts for help on there, you might find it useful to speak to someone about it. You've been through a traumatic time.

I had an EMCS and a terrible time BFing. A few months later I found myself going over and over things in my head all the time and was feeling really anxious, and I was referred to the local PND service for counselling, which I am finding enormously helpful. You say that you don't have PND, but have you heard of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). There is info on that website about it. Even if it's not that, it's obviously still in you that you need to talk about it, so perhaps seeking counselling might be an option for you. Wishing you all the best x

It sounds like PTSD to be honest, but hard to say unless you talk to someone qualified. I could not stop reading my notes, then dreaming about the birth, and also flashbacks constantly. I hated (really genuinely hated) the midwives who were at the birth and still blame them (rightly so as it turns out) for the way the birth turned out. My marriage survived but only after therapy and discussion with the hospital re birth. I definitely did not have PND which this can sometimes be mixed up with.
best of luck and get some help.

AngryGnome, your experience certainly doesn't sound like 'nothing'!

I am seeing a birth trauma counsellor on Thurs, ds is nearly 10 months old, and was born by elcs (due to physical damage from previous 2 births). I found the whole experience and the subsequent months hugely traumatic, and have been on anti depressants to deal with the feelings of anxiety and panic (they have helped a lot). My gp thought that it would be a good idea to talk to a counsellor, because I still have nightmares about his birth, and I feel a lot of guilt and responsibility for the fact that ds was very ill when he was born, and is under investigation by paeds at the moment.

I don't know if you have such a service available to you, but it might be worth investigating.

Thanks again folks, it really is incredibly helpful to hear other people's experiences so thank you for sharing.

I have had a debrief, but found it opened more questions in my mind rather than answered them. The consultant i spoke to really just told me that everything that happened was "just one of those things", and for all my knowledge of obstretrics that might well be true, but part of me feels something must have "gone wrong". I don't know. I think I will try for another debrief. I will definitely try and get in touch with the birth trauma association. I'll have a chat to my GP about a counsellor as well.

hazeyjane I hope your session is helpful to you, will be thinking of you on Thursday

gnome i've not read all the posts but just wanted to second calling shiela kitzinger's birth crisis line. 10mths after DD2, she was the first person who actually seemed to understand what i meant and how i was feeling. i did subsequently have treatment for PTSD after a long long wait list on NHS but the day i spoke to her was a real turning point for me personally. found i could cope with her approach much better than anything off the birth trauma association, but that may just be me.

take care of yourself.

While I can't comment on your experience. I often wonder if "one of those things" is sometimes an explanation given when the truth would leave them open to legal action. As a profession (as with many professions) there is a tendency to close ranks, particularly as the consultant is ultimately responsible, but often not present for the bits that went wrong.

That said, part of the reason that I am going for a debrief is that I am plain angry about some aspects of my care and hope to get rid of my anger. I wouldn't dream of taking legal action, but I would be quite relieved to hear someone say "Yes, we messed up. We have learnt from it. Exactly the same thing won't happen to another woman. We have sent the relevant member of staff for retraining. And if you ever come back to us, we will not let you suffer in the way you have". I am sure that "these things happen" and I am delighted to have a healthy baby. But I am still angry and I know that I am lucky that psychologically the only thing left for me is anger (now that I have stopped the antidepressants which worked wonders for me).

Best of luck and remember that you are always welcome on here to say what you are feeling, you are certainly not alone.