Visiting - you wait 'til you're invited, surely?

[owlmaster]

Just wondering what your experiences are.

Personally I'm surprised that people are announcing when they will be visiting (both in late pg i.e. 39+ weeks and also in the newborn days.) Partly because, well, who knows when it'll happen and how it'll go, but also because it just seems rude to me. I've always asked when it suits the person I want to visit, especially toward the end.

(As an aside, my partner and I have discussed the reasons to wait and see how it goes, avoid overstimulating a new baby etc. Also my MW at the antenatal class very strongly advocated the principle that visitors are welcome if the come to help, not if they come to be entertained.)

No one at all came to see us for exactly one week after LO was born and it was a bit lonely at times as I didn't leave the house for 4 days after the home birth, but on the other hand when visitors did arrive it was en mass (4 family members and 2 friends) and I was expected to entertain my family, cook and serve food etc having not slept for a week, and they also disrupted my LO's feeds for photos so I got rather tearful towards the end of their 4 hour long visit. Having said that, it was lovely of them to wait a whole week to see the new grandchild/niece/cousin and they do all live a 90 minute drive away so they couldn't just pop in. I'd just say "I'll let you know when is a good time" if anyone invites themselves or tell them to phone first before turning up (as you may be out). None of my friends came for a week, they all stayed away then phoned before turning up.

I think people turning up is rude when you have a baby to look after. I had two lots of people do this and it was most annoying after less than a week! I have always asked when is it ok to come over? As its not fair to expect a new mum and dad to run around after people you have a baby to look after!! The same goes for when your pregnant in the late stage im 41 weesk now and my mum came to stay this weekend just gone which was nice. She made her own tea/coffee and toast and offered me some my DP said ooww I thought you would of offered your mum some toast?! WTF!!! Im tired want to sleep I did not make any my self its not like I had toast then offered no one else any! He does not get how hard it is to get around at this point. I have a 5yr old as well to entertain.
When I had DS (with my ex husband) I remeber his mum and her partner coming up from London about 3 days after i had come out of hospital it was arranged which was fine. But they turned up and expected food drinks to be made!!! I was like WTF!! Then to add insult to injury Ex hubands mum was watching him make the tea and said "ooowww you put the milk in first that not how you do it!!" Then her partner came in and started. I was like WTF get out of our house! I could not of course I had to bite my lip. Think they forget that its hard and your sleep depraved! Hope that makes someone laugh anyways......... The answer being yes its rude!!

If visitors do turn up, they should expect to make their own cups of tea and get their own biscuits. A new mum's job is to rest and feed the baby. My feeling is that anybody that doesn't understand this should be politely but firmly shown the door.

And a word about breastfeeding in front of visitors - most people will appreciate that babies shouldn't be kept waiting for a feed, so don't be worried about whipping your boobs out. New mums should not feel forced to leave the room to breastfeed their babies. If necessary, the visitors should be the ones to tactfully withdraw.

imo the people who come round should be doin the cookin and cleanin for youm my mil is after ds3 came round every day for a few days to do the cookin for the family and made me chicken soup every day and did the washin up etc.

My best mate is due in a couple of months. I have made it clear I don't expect to meet baby until she is a few weeks old, and that the first time I will be collecting a list and the second time I will be returning with the grocery shopping. I then expect to spend a couple of hours with baby while mum has a bath if that's what mum wants.

She will be receiving a PS3 Move game she wants and some "vouchers" containing my work rota and promises of baby watching and grocery shopping as above. She hates to accept "help" (and has close family nearby) so i'm going to formalise it that way - a gift which she may accept or decline as she wishes.

Is that acceptable? She's the first close mate to get pg (pfbonly child)!

purplerabbit, what a good friend you are! The vouchers are a really great idea. However, I'd be careful about how you word them, so that she knows that you are willing to use the time in whatever way she wants you to.

(My own experience was that I had plenty of offers from people wanting to hold the baby while I 'had a couple of hours to myself', but that I would have much rather had them offer to hoover or tackle the washing up while I spent time chilling out on the sofa with my newborn baby.)

It's absolutely fine to be assertive and say 'we're just getting used to it all. Would you leave it a week or so - we'll text/call/e-mail when we're more together'.

I didn't mind people popping in unanounced for 20 minutes, but resented my mother people who moored up for hours and expected to be waited on hand and foot.

greenbananas we've discussed it and she said she'd prefer that to anything "bought" as she's got far too many folk showering them with unecessary material items - someone's going to have to buy them a new flat just to keep the presents in!

Washing up/hoovering/etc would be offered if she wasn't quite so houseproud... I may wait until after she's had the baby to offer those

Purplerabbit will you be my friend too?

Mind you, I don't really need you - my mum always comes to stay for at least a fortnight and does everything apart from feeding the baby!

She really is brilliant - does the school run, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Entertains other children, allows visitors a time slot when they ring and then chases them out if they outstay their welcome. And she always tactfully withdraws when I need a bit of personal space.

I think it must be a bit like having a maternity nurse. Only free!

Oh, but to answer the OP ... yes, I wait. I don't mind family & close friends ringing up and saying when would be convenient, but I try not to be pushy with others.

Pretty much every1 in my/DH family turned up at first visiting time after DS was born. I didn't mind this.

I did mind my dad who ive never really got on with turn up with my 9yo little bro while I was still IN LABOUR!! Insisted that he wait till baby was born and be allowed in to see him as took 2trains and taxi to get there!!!

This time no1 except MIL will know when I'm in labour and only because she'll be needed to watch DS.

OP don't forget you can always put a sign on your door saying Mother and baby are resting please call and we will let you know when it is convenient to vist.

buttonmoon, my mum (and MIL, bless her!) are the same as your mum. I always remember when the mw came to see me the day after I got out of hospital with DD1. My dad was clearing up the lunch things, and my mum offered to make the MW a cup of tea, then politely withdrew while I had my appointment. Mum then came in with a drink for me. The mw even commented on how nice it was that I was sitting on my backside with the baby whilst mum and dad ran round after me. Mum was appalled that anyone would expect a new mother to get up and do any of these other things.

Something which worked out well for us when we had DD3 (summer baby) was sending an invite to our local friends saying we would be open to visitors between 3-6pm on the Sunday afternoon, pop by if you like. It was a lovely afternoon, we all sat out in the garden, DH and my parents did all the teas/coffees/cakes etc. Then everyone buggered off by 6pm on the dot, which was also lovely.

purplerabbit you sound lovely!! A friend of mine has also been taking around home cooked meals to a friend of hers who doesn't cook - that would be nice, too. She may want you to come earlier, I've always just said "of course I'd love to see you and your baby, but will not visit or ask to visit until you tell me you'd like me to come".

Yes, most people would wait until invited - my Inlaws seem not to be doing that this time - last time there were 5 of them coming, so I said frm the start they couldn't stay with us (not enough room!); this time, apparently just the PILs will come and they've asked to stay - am a bit tbh, as it means us moving our (potentially) newly displaced 4 year old out of her room so they can sleep in there and FIL will expect to be waited on (will be waiting a long time if by me); DH says MIL will help, but she can't cook and the thought of her in my kitchen makes me cross because she leaves it in a tip and then washes up by 'rinsing' something under the running tap. aaagh!

I did my MiL a disservice there Poledra. The only reason she'd not be there is that she still works FT. So we go there instead where she does everything my mum does.

I truly am blessed...

I'll be everyone's friend, I'm broody as can be but waiting til we're in a better position! I love cuddling babies

I suggested meals, but she doesn't want that. She'll be filling her freezer as soon as she gets on mat leave in readiness, as I suggested I do some cooking for her and she liked the idea of having ready done food. TBF we were both single for a long time and got in the habit of cooking big meals and freezing portions. The shopping is a good one for me because I live 10 minutes walk from her and there's a big supermarket which is about a 5 minute detour = she doesn't feel like it's an imposition to ask.

I also think, though, that a "proper" friend will make their own tea/coffee in my house because they feel comfortable. That's may just be me and all my mates though

cat64 - that's exactly what I think. People should have enough respect to ring first and ask, then listen to the answer!

i was on the floor delivering the placenta at my birth dp holding baby MIL at the birth then was on the phone to FIL saying oh ill ask, then said there about ten minutes away you dont want them to go back there too excited be here soon !
WHAT! so tired (49hours awake) i went under the shower and cried to my mum that i was just going to die, FIL showed up with 3 SILS and a BIL, MIL proceeded to tellDP he was to slow dressing baby and STOLE the moment, sil sharpened sons nails to daggers with a nail file while i was on the toilet, and FIL brought a HUGE flash camera and stated blindin DSthen my mum said enough they all want to sleep get out

my birth was magical apart from them ruining it, we laid in the double bed all night after that and ate hospital food discussing how annoying they were TWATS!

I had dd1 on a Wednesday and PIL called to say they were coming on the Friday. I did make it clear they were not staying (which didn't go down well as they live 4 hours away so had to pay for a hotel). My parents asked if they could come and brought my Granny on the Sunday. They arrived with a meal to shove in the oven for us all and some extra meals for the freezer. They were very welcome, and despite living 4 hours away also, stated from the start they would book a hotel and only stay for a few hours (which they did).

Am pg with twins and I have told dh - no family will be coming for at least a week. He agrees - he can tell his parents, mine will understand. Poor dh was rushing round making tea for his parents after very little sleep. I was shattered and sore so barely moved from the sofa but MIL insisted we take dd for a walk in her pram (which they had bought us).

I guess my parents will come pretty soon after the birth as they will be caring for dd1 - but they will almost certainly take dd1 back with them after meeting twins to give us some time to adjust. And probably bring food.

I have had to make it clear that as I'm having CS, it may not go well and babies may be in SCBU or I could be knocked out if necessary so dh is not to announce to family until I have come round and seen babies. MIL would put it on FB within seconds!

I wondered this too...mainly because I would like to make the most of having my new family with just hubby whilst he is off to. Plus the dog!

Mind you...I might use my new found ability to be abrupt and forward....mind you won't have the excuse of being pregnant then!! :)

Any tactful way of getting rid of over-stayers?

It's up to you. You can tell people when they can come round. It's your time. Only you can gauge how much time you need to recover, bond, relax, enjoy etc.

And if people get offended, well, that's their problem. It's not about them and they should stop being childish and thinking about themselves and their 'needs'.

Yeah, I think it's rude people announcing when they are visiting, or assuming they can make arrangements to come in the first week or so. Like you said, you don't know how the birth will be or how you will both recover, but even if you are fine, having a new baby is quite overwhelming and you and your partner will want to share that time together and find your way with your DC.

I had an EMCS so that was obviously unexpected, but it did mean that family and some close friends could come and visit while we were in hospital which was nice. I got home after 4 days and we told family that we wanted at least 2 days to ourselves to get settled and we didn't want anyone over in that time, and they respected that which was good. We had our first non-family visitors over when DD was a week old and for some strange reason, we didn't just have a cuppa, but went to the local for a pint. While it was nice to get out the house for a bit, I also think that was a bit mad. What also annoyed me was that when people did come over, my DH or I were the ones always making the cups of tea while others pawed over DD. Only one friend told us to sit down while she and her boyfriend sorted out the tea and biscuits, and they were really mindful not to overstay their welcome.

Also, I had big problems BFing, and in hindsight I should have just stayed in bed and not lifted a finger and told people that No, they couldn't visit yet and that it wasn't a good time. Next time I'll be staying in my pyjamas for a fortnight and visitors will have to wait and see Baby another time.

My advice is to just see how things go, and don't make firm plans with anyone, and don't be afraid to say No to visitors.

A very very good friend of mine arrived at the hospital unannounced when my DS was in neo natal. I felt like I had to go back down to the ward to see her but then spent an hour comforting her because she was so upset. I love her dearly and she thought she was doing the right thing but really I could have spent that hour with my son.

Had she told me she was coming I could have seen her at a better time.

My Pil turned up an hour after id had my baby . At home .
They sat around on their fat arses expecting drinks and sandwhiches hogging my hour old baby . Twats