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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Does CS mean you haven't really given birth?

59 replies

chargeahead · 22/03/2011 15:00

My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy last week by CS. She later told me that her husband said he didn't believe that she had actually given birth to their son. She is understandably quite upset about it, but I don't know what to say to her (apart from the fact that I think he's wrong/doesn't understand).

Surely he's being very unfair considering she's been through pregnancy and produced my gorgeous little nephew? It feels like he hasn't given her any credit for the birth.

I really want to say the right thing and help her ignore what was probably a throw away comment. What would you say in my position? All advice welcome.

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 22/03/2011 15:08

Her DH is an insensitive twat. I honestly don't understand this "CS means you haven't given birth" malarkey, as if it's some sort of competition and you have to have hours of agony to "qualify." Your poor sister :(

All you can do really is let her talk about it - perhaps she believes what he says and you have to figure out why she feels that way. Does she feel a failure because she's had a CS? Don't belittle her feelings or say "You had a healthy baby and that's all that matters" because basically that's saying "how you feel doesn't matter" and it does. As the months pass chances are she'll feel much more at peace with the CS and the importance of it will fade but it's worth remembering that for her, now, it is a very big deal and her self esteem has been dented by her prick of a husband.

Just try to support her as best you can and let her rant about it as much as she needs to.

BarbieLovesKen · 22/03/2011 15:10
Confused

To me, "being born" and "giving birth" was the part where the child arrived into the world/ the mother brought the child into world. I've never thought about the exact way in which this happens - it doesnt matter.

Of course she gave birth.

What a dick her DH is.

nunnie · 22/03/2011 15:11

I have given birth naturally and had an EMCS and I still feel I gave birth to my DS, because if I didn't he wouldn't be here IMO.

How a baby exits the body is irrelevant IMO as long as it is out it has been born (been given birth too).

Your sister need not feel guilty nor be made to feel guilty.

BarbieLovesKen · 22/03/2011 15:13

Exactly nunnie - was going to say exactly that. To me the fact that the child is here means he has been born so someone had to give birth to him Confused. Very strange man.

WriterofDreams · 22/03/2011 15:13

Oh and would it be possible to take her DH to one side and give him a kick in the bollocks explain to him quite forcefully how much he has hurt your sister?

FWIW people say "well done" to me because I had "normal" birth and I always think Confused To me it seems weird to give someone credit for something they have absolutely no control over. I know it was just pure luck that I didn't need intervention.

bemybebe · 22/03/2011 15:14

Whilst I will never want a CS and really hope for the natural vaginal delivery (yes thinking it is better for me and my LO), I will never think that someone having CS did not "give birth" or any different a mother to their child.

What an utterly stupid think to say. As a wife I would actually have a long serious chat with this 'husband' to explain to this how unfair and ignorant this comment is. It may have been flippant, he needs to learn about it.

BarbieLovesKen · 22/03/2011 15:15

PML writer - I've had "well done" on my 2 too.

That said, dh has received "well dones" when announcing my pregnancies Grin ("yes dh, well done for having that orgasam..")

DarkSkies · 22/03/2011 15:19

Well... she grew the baby for 9mo didn't she? Its not as if she just had an easy ride like the sperm donor did...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/03/2011 15:23

I had a CS with my DS, and of course I gave birth to him - certainly no other bugger did!

Original poster
chargeahead · 22/03/2011 15:58

Thanks for all your responses. WriterofDreams -I don't think she felt bad about the CS before her DH's comment. She said she'd been over the moon until that. Also, our mum had her by CS, so think she didn't really see CS as a big deal.

I have thought about having a word with him, but don't want to inflame anything, especially as they both are exhausted from sleepless nights.

I hope I haven't put my foot in it, because I did say "at least you have a gorgeous healthy baby". Blush Won't say that again.

She seems to be recovering really well but this is obviously playing on her mind. I think she feels he's taken all her hard work for granted.

OP posts:
trixie123 · 22/03/2011 19:07

She had her belly cut open, through layers of skin, muscle and tissue and had to be stitched back together. Is that not enough? jesus.

FattyArbuckel · 22/03/2011 19:09

I had a CS
I gave birth to my child
Ludicrous to suggest otherwise and your sis should ignore her dh as he presumably in no way meant to upset her

If he really was trying to devalue her role in the birth of his child she should leave him yesterday

pozzled · 22/03/2011 19:14

Agree with everyone else, her Dh was incredibly insensitive and completely wrong.

"Birth" is the moment when the baby becomes a separate being from the mother, no matter how that happens. And if going through major surgery doesn't deserve some recognition and sympathy etc then there is something very wrong.

1944girl · 23/03/2011 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 23/03/2011 18:52

well she hadn't had a vaginal birth if thjat's what he meant - obviously Hmm
But she gave birth, in what I would consider to be a more demanding way

unfitmother · 23/03/2011 18:53

What an arse, I'd knee him in the bollocks! Angry

StealthPolarBear · 23/03/2011 18:54

and then tell him it wasn't 'really' a kneeing in the bollocks :o

didldidi · 23/03/2011 18:58

I had two EMCS's and therefore do not consider that I "gave birth".

theborrower · 23/03/2011 19:14

Argh, he's being horribly unsupportive and a right - that's awful Angry

It feels like he hasn't given her any credit for the birth.

I have to admit, like didldidi, after my EMCS I didn't feel that I had given birth - my daughter was delivered. After I told someone that I had an EMCS and was a bit upset about it, they missed the point and asked "Do you feel like you cheated?".

Cheated??? A CS is no bloody walk in the park you know! God, even my sister said something similar and I had to explain what happened in a CS and what the recovery is like - her face suddenly went to Shock. People honestly forget it's a major operation, except you're awake and you have to care for a newborn baby immediately afterwards.

ziva · 23/03/2011 20:33

message from my dh (there for a natural birth and two cs)...

what an absolute dickhead!

drivingmisscrazy · 23/03/2011 20:34

plonker...she carried a baby to term, and now the baby is born and in the world. In what sense has she not given birth?

QTPie · 23/03/2011 23:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ChunkyPickle · 23/03/2011 23:20

Technically (it's a vaginal birth or a cesarean birth), literally (the child is here after all), and laboriously (CS is no picnic) she's given birth.

QTPie - sure, the surgeon took the baby out, but if your CS was anything like mine it wasn't exactly gentle (I couldn't see what they were up to, but it felt like one of them was sitting on my stomach jumping up and down, while the other one tried to pull me off the table by my uterus!)

mercibucket · 23/03/2011 23:27

I wouldn't have described ds1's birth as 'giving birth' tbh - I'd say 'when he was born' or 'when they cut me open ...' but not 'when I gave birth' because it wasn't an active process that I was involved in - it was something that was done to me. I can talk about 'his birth' but feel quite detached from it really. Perhaps (is this clutching at straws?) if her dh is not a selfish dick, he is feeling disassociated from the process and a bit traumatised? Otherwise he needs a kick up the bum obviously

confuddledDOTcom · 23/03/2011 23:43

My two were born under GA and I don't feel I gave birth to them, however that's my personal feelings about my births and I wouldn't ever dream to tell someone else whether or not they gave birth, it's how they feel about it that matters. To me "giving" suggests I had something to do with them coming out of me but as I wasn't even in the room at the time I don't feel it applies.

Your sister's husband needs a slap, it's not his place to lable his wife's experiences.