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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Giving birth alone - any reassuring stories?

26 replies

daisy81 · 26/02/2011 21:11

I am 31 weeks with my first baby and not planning on having a birth partner during labour. The first midwife I spoke to was quite reassuring about this but since then everyone I tell seems shocked, as if this is really unusual, and says i should rethink things. As that's not really an option, I would really appreciate any positive stories from people in the same situation, as i am getting a bit anxious!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 26/02/2011 21:15

i didn't think i qwould want a birth partner. didn't particularly want dp there for any of my 3 labours, but i would never have told him that

but actually, once I was in labour I was really, really glad he was there

So, i think if i were you I would maybe try and arrange that someone could come if you called them...
but otherwise I think you'll be fine. it's all about YOU being comfortable and relaxed, and if that means no birth partner then that's what you should do

Eralc · 27/02/2011 06:33

I gave birth to DS2 just under 2 weeks ago with no birth partner - we live in Australia, and have no relatives here, and no friends that we are close enough to to leave DS1 with, so DH had to look after DS1 whilst I had DS2. Lots of people made really negative comments about it beforehand, although my midwife was supportive, and I got really wound up about how it was going to be, but it was totally fine when it came to it.

I have to say that I really didn't mind at all not having him (or anyone else) there. I had the midwife I've been seeing throughout the pregnancy and a student midwife with me, and even when they had to leave the room I didn't find it a problem (bizarrely, I was calmest when briefly left me on my own). I was never left for more than a couple of minutes and the whole thing was totally fine. They really looked after me well, probably because I was on my own.

Our original plan was that DS1 and DH would go home and then come in once the baby was born, but my labour progressed so quickly that they ended up staying in the maternity unit waiting area whilst I gave birth, and came in to cut the cord, which was really special for both DH and DS.

I really wouldn't think twice about having no birth partner again next time if the same situation is repeated (and if there is a next time!) - for me it was a totally positive experience.

Checkmate · 27/02/2011 17:48

Is this in the UK at an NHS hospital?

If so, I think it'll be tricky. Hospitals often have no choice but to have one midwife looking after 2 (or more) women, and being left completely alone would be sub-optimal. You also ideally need someone to advocate for you, unless its going to be a midwife you've already built up a relationship with. There is also the issue that the mdiwife is often too busy to help you get a shower afterwards etc.., and having somone around for support then is invaluable.

Sorry not to be more supportive about this, I'm sure it can be made to work, but with the staff shortages with the NHS, I wouldn't fancy it myself. Not so much of an issue if you're having a homebirth, though, I guess....?

Checkmate · 27/02/2011 17:52

I feel bad for not offering more support, actually. I remember a thread like this before where mnetters came up with contact details for free Doula services (think maybe it was trainee Doulas).

Can you tell us where you are in the UK?

BlameItOnTheBogey · 27/02/2011 17:53

I did it - not really voluntarily more by accident. But having had two births now - one with DH and one without - I actually found I coped better on my own. DH is my rock and was an amazing birth partner but the reality is that when he wasn't there I went into myself more and was more stoic about the whole thing rather than looking to him to make me feel better. Result was that I coped much better on my own. If you have to do this, then you will make it work.

Good luck.

NurseSunshine · 27/02/2011 18:39

I don't see that it should be a problem if that's what YOU want. People always come up with horror stories about things.

Original poster

daisy81 · 28/02/2011 07:51

Thank you for the supportive comments - it's good to hear that other people have done this before and been fine.
As long as all goes well I should be going to a local midwife led unit where they seem to have higher levels of staff than I've heard about in big hospitals, but it sounds like it might be a good idea to look into Doula services - does anyone know of anyone in the west midlands I could contact about this?

OP posts:

ben5 · 28/02/2011 08:21

I had ds1 by myself. Dh was in Plymouth ( he was on a submarine that had docked there for a couple of days). I was in Helensburgh.
I woke at 3am, phoned dh and told him it would be a good idea to get to scotland asap. He phoned my best friend who took me to local hospital. I was 6cm so they put me in an amblance. My friend had to follow behind but of course couldn't go through red lights. I arrived in Glasgow and had ds1 20minutes later. It was just me, a midwife and a midwife going through her training. My friend turned up 10 minutes after I had him and dh turned up at 4pm some 8hrs later.
dh was just about with me with ds2( I was in Plymouth this time and he was in Glasgow!!) and although he was great I much prefered being by myself. midwife wanted dh to do alot more and he had no idea to really know what to do. He didn't know how to read heart monitors, sort out my gas and air or how to work the bed 1st time!
What the UK need is more trained midwifes and not hope on friends and family being there.
you will be fine and good luck!

VivaLeBeaver · 28/02/2011 08:29

Daisy81 - I work in a big consultant led unit and though staffing can be poor at times we'd bend over backwards to do everything we could to get you one on one care. Though obviously it can't ever be a guarantee. The other thing is if there was a student on the shift they'd be allocated you with their mentor. So even if the m/w had to leave the room at times the student would stay with you for support if nothing else. Do you know if this MMU has students?

Checkmate · 28/02/2011 08:55

daisy - This is a link to a site where you can search for a Doula near you. If you can afford it then I'd highly recommend it in your situation. If you can't, then I know some have hardship funds available, or trainee doulas are sometimes available free/very cheaply.
In a MLU I'm sure it'll be better than the big consultant led hospitals I've given birth. (I've had some great midwives, they've just been being pulled in half by the demands being placed on them.) Also great to hear the reassurances and suggestions from Viva.

Checkmate · 28/02/2011 08:55

Forgot the link!

here

fatlazymummy · 28/02/2011 09:22

Of course you don't have to have a birth partner. It's just the fashion nowadays. My Mum had 5 babies without any birth partner and always described her births as a very positive experience. If I was giving birth nowadays that is exactly what I would do, as I found having my husband present delayed the process.
Hope it all goes well OP.

bumperella · 01/03/2011 13:08

I don't know from experience (yet - 5 wks to go!) BUT it would make more sense to be on your own than to have the "wrong" birth partner, surely? I'm sure I would feel more comfortable alone than I would if the person there wasn't the "right" support for me.

bumface · 01/03/2011 16:34

I have had four births, two with someone and two without.
I was happy either way.
In fact I had my last child completely on my own. Well my family was downstairs, but I was in my bedroom alone and very happy to be.
I think if you are planning to do it on your own you need to get as much infomation about the whole business first so you are prepared for every eventuality.
Get mentally prepared too, I recommend hypnotherapy. It's not too late to get a CD and start listening.
Good luck xx

someonesgotthenameichose · 01/03/2011 16:36

I had my last one alone.
It was totally fine.
Planned to have dh there, but i'd gone for a check up and when they realised i was in proper labour they 'didnt have time' to call him to come in.

SingingSands · 01/03/2011 16:41

I had DS without a birthing partner - DH was outside delivery suite with DD as we had no childcare that night. It was actually a very good experience and I coped very well. And it helped that DS was born 15 mins after we arrived so I wasn't spending hours and hours on my own.

The only thing I felt a bit sad about was that DH missed the birth, but as he's never mentioned it I think he's ok with that!

fifi25 · 01/03/2011 16:59

Hi my partner went missing in action when i went into labour earlier than planned with 3rd. I ended up doing 1st half by myself, the midwifes were constantly saying can you ring someone to be here which was getting on my nerves. As it progressed i panicked and my friend came up. What a hoot, im pleased she was there as i had pds and back to back. We have got some hillarious photos as well. It was like carry on up the QE. I would have done it by myself if i had to but in the end im pleased she was there.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 01/03/2011 17:14

My mum had me with just her and the midwives there. She said it was great as she was much more relaxed than when she had my elder sister and my dad was her birthing partner.

I agree having no birth partner would be better than having the wrong one and second the suggestion of using a hypnobirthing CD to prepare. I listen to mine every night and feel all the worries about the birth I've build up during the day melt away. Which I am sure helped to prevent an accumulation of stress the first time round and led to a relatively straightforward labour.

Best of luck xx

1944girl · 01/03/2011 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

daisy81 · 02/03/2011 16:28

Thanks again, feeling much better after reading all of your comments. I hadn't thought about birth partners being a relatively new idea - because all the books talk about having your partner there and how they can help, it made me think I would be missing out.

I am going to have a look into hypnobirthing, if nothing else it may help me relax about the thought of the birth over the next couple of months!

OP posts:

Cheria · 02/03/2011 16:35

I'm due in the next couple of weeks and DH will probably not be able to attend - I feel fine with that - but I absolutely trust the staff and doctors at my local clinic (I'm abroad and don't have the NHS issues you guys have).

SoupDragon · 02/03/2011 16:40

I had DD at home with just me and one midwife present. It was rather nice actually.

My mum was in the next room though and she got to hold her last grandchild when she was brand new :)

aliceelinsmum · 02/03/2011 16:50

I haven't given birth alone, but when working in O+G the calmest labour I saw was a lady on her own. Her husband was a farmer who was too busy with lambing to be with her! She was totally in the zone and did very well

PipPipPip · 02/03/2011 17:41

Male partners being present at the birth is quite a recent phenomenon. And in some cultures, it is still considered a bit strange for the male partner to be present.

In the book Life After Birth, Kate Figes sensibly points out that birth partners are a choice and it isn't always appropriate for male partners to be present at the birth. It may put unnecessary strain on the woman, the man and/or the relationship.

Personally, I'm very pleased that my partner will be with me but it is only an option for women rather than a requirement.

Having said that, it might be worth thinking about emergencies. For example, what would happen if you needed a caesarian? Is there someone you can phone to help bring you things and/or take you home afterwards? etc.

lilmamma · 02/03/2011 21:26

I had my first baby alone,and tbh,once you get going and are busy concentraing on what you are doing,you dont really notice who is there.I had a nice midwife who kept popping in,when i had my 2nd my husband was there,and again i was too busy dong what i had to do,the only nice thing was he was there at the end to hold the baby,but it didnt really bother me either way,good luck whatever you decide.

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