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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Post birth and ILs work at the hospital, don't want unexpected visits but DH is getting 'funny' WWYD?

30 replies

CrapBag · 04/02/2011 09:45

DH texted his mum to tell her my ELCS is booked for Monday. Her response was "FIL is working nights next week", FIL is a porter at the hospital. SIL also works there too.

I asked DH why his mum replied that and he said "oh maybe he will pop his head in".

I said I didn't want anyone popping their heads in, and that includes his sister (who we see about once a year, not close at all and takes no interest in DS anyway).

DH got really really funny with me and had a bit of a go. I asked what his problem was and he said its because it was HIS family. I told him it would make no difference who it was, I wouldn't want mine popping in at any moment, I may be asleep/trying to breastfeed/just not feel up to it etc. I didn't tell him that it would be different with certain family of mine, my nan or best friend but I feel far more comfortable around them and have no problem with them seeing me post surgery with catheter still in. Don't really feel comfortable with ILs seeing me like that and would rather they waited a bit.

Problem is DH won't say anything to anyone and I can't see him making it clear to his family that they aren't to just pop by, even if its for 5 minutes, I don't want to be sat there thinking "are they going to look in now".

I am probably overreacting and being overly sensitive but after last time with DS when I felt really pressured to have visitors straight away and feel like I have to include ILs as much as my own nan(she brought me up so is like my mum) just to keep DH happy, when my nan is offering to help and do things which is great but ILs don't do anything or even offer at all so I would appreciate my nan around more anyway, it does bring back horrible memories of my last birth which I did tell DH.

WWYD? Is it worth having another word with DH and if so what do I say? I f I did bring it up again I know the reaction will be a huffy one and he won't discuss it, or he'll listen to me, not bother to reply then stomp off.

OP posts:

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AtYourCervix · 04/02/2011 09:50

can you let the midwives on the postnatal ward know you don't want people popping in. they can act as bouncers/guard dogs and screen visitors. There wil probably be strict visiting hours anyway. just let them know you don't want popping in out of normal visiting hours.

PussinJimmyChoos · 04/02/2011 09:58

I sympathise.

I had a friend working in the hospital when I was post emcs with Ds. I was very touched she took the time and effort to pop down during her lunch break, BUT I had finally managed to doze off after a hellish night with DS crying and being sat up with him suckling all night and I stirred from my sleep and saw her sat on the bed talking to DH and I then felt I had to stay awake and be polite

I think speak to the nurses and ask them if they can keep the people you aren't keen on visiting away?

TLCDoula · 04/02/2011 09:58

If your DH won't say anything could you perhaps speak to MIL yourself and explain you would feel embarressed having FIL seeing like that and you might be bf, I'm sure she'd understand. X

VivaLeBeaver · 04/02/2011 10:03

Just tell your m/w that you don't want them coming in when its not visiting. The m/w won't say you've said that but will just tell them that its not visiting and they're not allowed in. At our hospital we don't let staff pop in to see relations on teh ward when its not visiting.

rasta · 04/02/2011 10:08

I think you should stand your ground, this is your decision. An ELCS is a pretty big thing to go through, physically and mentally, and it's going to happen to you and not your DH.

When DD1 was born I had huge amounts of visitors turn up straight after she was born. As soon as one group left, another would arrive. I was exhausted beyond words (almost 30 hour labour), and I was trying to get breastfeeding established. It was very hard and I felt incredibly vulnerable

If you don't want visitors, it's totally acceptable. Sorry to sound harsh but your DH needs to grow up and stop being so selfish.

Original poster

CrapBag · 04/02/2011 10:11

I know.

He is being very very good and most ways but its this one little issue with his family that he has a problem with. I would prefer it if ILs waited until we got home, my hospital are getting women who have had sections home after 2 days anyway as they are soooooo busy at the moment, so I'm not likely to be in long but as I want my nan, dad and best friend to visit, its not going to be taken well.

I will have to point out that I am indeed the one having the surgery, not him!

OP posts:

rasta · 04/02/2011 10:31

I understand what you're saying, I felt the same, I welcomed my parents with open arms, I looked at them as a support and I wanted to see them. I didn't want other people turning up, people I didn't know very well when I was in such a vulnerable state.

I just think if it was your DH who was having his appendix out for example and requested no visitors nobody would say anything! But for some reason it's different for a woman who's had a baby....

Who you see is your choice.

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 04/02/2011 10:55

I would be very firm and say you're preventing them from meeting the new baby AT ALL but that you just don't want unannounced visitors incase you're flashing your bits and pieces as they walk in or finally got some sleep on the ward. Say that is not in the least bit unreasonable and suggest he asks around at work for second opinions on whether you are being unreasonable or not!

Say during visiting times it's fine or for them to check with the desk before they march in to your room and a midwife can come and see if you're awake / able to see them first.

He might just need to hear it from someone else?!

Ephiny · 04/02/2011 10:59

Yes it's completely your choice who you want to see and when. I wouldn't want my ILs (or even my parents) to see me when still recovering from surgery/birth, and would feel very upset by people barging in when I'm vulnerable and unable to stop them or walk out myself. I'm surprised your DH is not defending your privacy here, though I know what it can be like with men and their mother/family sometimes :(

You might have to speak to the Ils directly, and say politely that you're looking forward to them coming round to meet the baby once you're home and feeling up to visitors, but you'd prefer no visitors in the hospital. I'm sure they wouldn't want to intrude if they knew it would be unwelcome.

Ephiny · 04/02/2011 10:59

ILs, I mean, not IIs!

laluna · 04/02/2011 11:01

Just check out the visiting policy for maternity at your hospital. Where I work the maternity unit is swipe card entry only for appropriate staff and visiting is strictly partners only, with grandparents only for one hour in the evening. On a postnatal ward there are obviously really important security and infection control considerations and letting any one in at night is a strict no no, staff or not.

eaglewings · 04/02/2011 11:08

How about writing a letter to you dh saying how much you love him and want his family to feel included, but then put down why you don't want any visitors accept him in the hospital, nick the reasons other posters have put down if necessary.

Sometimes seeing things in writing takes the heat out of it

Otherwise the midwives will be bouncers for you!

loonyrationalist · 04/02/2011 11:11

Sorry to be the voice of dissent - slightly

YABU if you are refusing to see your inlaws when you are happy to see your own family & I can see why this stance would hurt DH.

Get EVERYONE (your family & his)to make an appointment to come (during visiting hours) - this is for your DH to co-ordinate at times best for you.

YANBU to not want visitors outside visiting hours or unannounced.

loonyrationalist · 04/02/2011 11:17

Forgot to add would be worth finding out if there is a day room on the postnatal ward - that way perhaps the IL's could visit & DH could take the new baby to see the IL's there giving you privacy & allowing them to see their new grandchild. You need to give this careful - rational thought - I can see them being gratly hurt being in the same building as their new grandchild but not allowed to see it.

Also try thinking ahead to what you would like to happen if your DS were to have a child - is this how you would like to be treated?

Ephiny · 04/02/2011 11:18

I think it's reasonable to only want your own immediate family to see you in hospital, regardless of the reason you're in there . It won't kill them to wait a few days until the OP feels a bit more back to normal!

ZombiePlan · 04/02/2011 11:43

Think your DH is being selfish. It's not about being "fair", it's about making a person who's had major surgery feel happy and comfortable.

Have to say that I wouldn't rely on midwives policing visitors. IME, if your DH lets visitors in, then the midwives won't double check with you - they'll assume you're happy to see them.

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 04/02/2011 11:57

Actually that's a good point - there's a policy here that no men are allowed in at night (your DP/DH or anyone elses) following a survey where women said they would feel very uncomfortable having men around at night. Your place may well have the same policy.

bumperella · 04/02/2011 12:14

I reckon the problem is that your IL aren't visiting you so much as visiting The Family or the grandchild. So they won't understand that you just want peace and may feel vulnerable unless someone tells them, as they simply won't be thinking along those lines. They just aren't seeing it the same way as you are. They really won't be wanting to "bother" you I'm sure, but will be wanting to make a fuss of you and grandchild. I can totally see your point, and I would feel the same way in your shoes...but they will be desperate to visit and will be disappointed if they are asked not to, especially as you are likely to welcome a good few other visitors.

Can you speak to them directly? Explain how you feel but then tell them that you understand that it is tough on them, and disappointing for them, too (being so close to someone they really want to see will be hard), but make it clear how much you would appreciate it if they would give you some space.
Could you arrange something special for them to do with you, DH and grandchild - maybe they would like to be the first people to visit when you do return home? Or would you let them loose decorating nursery /making up cot / choosing something important, etc?

Original poster

CrapBag · 04/02/2011 18:55

I'll have to just bring it up with DH again and point out that I could be doing anything which is why I don't want anyone popping by. I like the comparision that if he was having any sort of surgery, I certainly wouldn't be expecting him to welcome my family in.

I know I'm still going to get a huffy reaction, but its tough. He does need to understand my position and visiting times are going to be tough due to me wanting DS there as soon as I feel like it which is obviously going to take priority over anyone else. It will be my GPs who bring him up given they are the ones looking after him. My dad will want to come and I am happy to see him as soon as I am up to it. MIL works in the evenings so they can only make it in a very short timescale in the day, which is the most likely time that my GPs will be bringing DS. Something else I am going to have to point out to DH. My best friend is the only person who can make the evenings anyway and she works all day. These are the only visitors I want in hospital. I know others want to come but I'm not going to let them as it will get too much.

It just seems far more practical for ILs to wait until we get home but I'm not sure that DH will see it that way. Plus last time once we got home, both me and DH were sooooo overwhelmed we did stop all visitors for a few days as we were absolutely shattered but were being badgered a lot.

bumperella your last sentence made me smile. They aren't exactly the helpful sort so can't see them doing anything, plus we don't have anything like that to be done. I am very organised this time around.

OP posts:

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 04/02/2011 18:58

just ask him how he would like your family visiting him unannounced, without you there, when he's just in his underwear / pjs with a catheter sticking out of his todger......

That's essentially what you're saying you're objecting to.

Original poster

CrapBag · 04/02/2011 19:21

Good point!

OP posts:

Original poster

CrapBag · 05/02/2011 18:44

Don't believe it!

DH has just informed me that his bloody cousin is volunteering on the maternity ward now, on the day I will be in there.

Grrrrr.

OP posts:

Panzee · 05/02/2011 18:56

On the day itself you'll be fine. I was off my head on painkillers and natural adrenaline so anyone could have visited and I didn't care. I don't actually remember most of my visitors that day!

A couple of days later I was in more pain and tired, and wanted to be a bit choosier about who came.

SlightlyTubbyHali · 05/02/2011 18:57

I can well understand why you might take a different stance with your family than your DH's. Put it this way: when I had my DDs my parents wanted to see the baby but their main concern was making sure that I (their baby) was ok. DH's parents, on the other hand, were desperate to see their grandchild and didn't seem to notice that I was exhausted, in pain, mortified to be seen in that state (gushing blood, catheter etc). Your DH should do his best to go along with your feelings even if he doesn't understand them.

And you should ask the MWs on the PN ward to keep visitors away (outside of limited hours?), although you'll have to explain to them that one of your visitors might be wearing a porter's uniform...

CatHerder · 05/02/2011 18:58

Tell him he's having a vasectomy as soon as can be arranged, and your entire family will be waiting outside while it's done, so they can see him straight after and get all the details. And then they're going to sit down while he hobbles about and makes them tea, and then they will stay for 5 hours, doing nothing.

Then tell him that you are undergoing major surgery in order to give him a baby, and what is he going to do for you in return? Point out that he needs to be thinking of doing something massive in return, to make up for having a large hole sliced in your abdomen, and actually all you are asking is to be allowed to choose your own visitors the day after having major surgery.

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