I can't do this.

[Manyofhorror3]

Had twins less than a week ago, straight forward section but some complications post birth. Had been admitted a week before cos of poss pre eclampsia. Am a bit anaemic, hb9.3. Have come home a day early as our DD who is just two, was missing me.

We had the second pregnancy because we didn't want DD to be an only child, not because we were broody or anything. They're here and are perfect. But. I can't do it. Don't want them. Shouldn't have had them. Ruined everything.
We were happy with Our DD and now it's all spoiled. Can't feed them AND sleep. Can't bear being shouted at. Can't bear listening to DH also not coping. Want to send them back. Or leave with DD. Feel so crap and useless. I was happy with DD and was greedy and we should never have had them. My DH is doing his best but he cuts corners which make things harder and we row eg putting DD to bed without changing her so she wakes up mega wet and then won't settle. I'm exclusively BF/expressing and trying to get a routine going but they want to feed more than I can manage. They're on a cot bolted to my bed, DH has his own room and can't cosleep cos he smokes.
Feeling very sad and can't stop crying. We've got plenty of family support and I've just had a good sleep now but am so fearful for the future. They all deserve so much better than this.
I know this is is really rambly. I just tried to tell DH why I was crying and he got annoyed again and said I was rejecting my own babies and slammed out. I know he's scared too but he shouts at me and calls me useless and a let down, which doesn't help. He had them for 2.5 hours last night and fed them at the same time and said he'd synchronised their feeding and then went mad with me when I said I didn't know when they were due a feed as I kept putting them on the breast to settle them. I was just so desperate for sleep.
I know I need to pull myself together. The midwife hasn't been and I need my stitches out and (tmi) my lochia smells bad, and I'm worried about that too.
So sorry to go on, I just need to get this out without doing it in real life.

I didn't want this to go unanswered.

I don't have any advice of reassuring words.
Hopefully someone will be along soon who can help.

I have 2 ds's and it was very very hard in the early days after ds2 was born, cannot imagine what having twins must be like.

Hi there. Sorry you are having a tough time. I can't imagine having twins so have no experience with that. I had my 2nd baby in may and during the newborn stage I did think how impossible it was to enjoy that stage when you're so bloody tired and up all night.

Don't be too hard on yourself.you do sound really down but I imagine it's lack of sleep,hormones,not enough hands to do everything amongst others.

Have you got anymore hands on help available?a friend of mine had twins and they got an Au Pair,not to look after the twins on her own just to be a 'mothers help'.

Everyone will say this but things WILL get better. Impossible to believe at the moment I'm sure. Perhaps get in touch with one of the multiple birth groups (tamba?).

Take care of yourself and call those midwives round to get your stitches out.

Firstly - well done for asking for help, you have done this because you are a great mother.

Next - nobody is superhuman and most people in your situation would be feeling very similar - you have just undergone major surgery and been handed 2 newborns to look after alongside a 2year old.

You have to take the help on offer - friends, family, midwife - anyone! You can't do this on your own - One newborn and a toddler is hard work, two and a toddler means you need people to help until you have recovered from the birth and got a routine established - this is not because you're failing, it is down to the number of people you need to take care of and only having two hands.

If DH gets it wrong - let him, as long as he's doing his share.

Locia is smelly - it doesn't mean that there is a problem - have a chat with the MW

Feeling sad and crying is normal - it's the hormones mixed with not being very well (after major surgery) and being tired. It's all ok but I would talk to the MW about how you're feeling.

The routine thing happens with BF but if you're struggling would it be possible to express so that DH and others can share the load?

Stop beating yourself up here or panicking - this feeling is temporary and things are going to gte better.

I have zero experience of this but didn't want to just read and not post.
((((((hugs))))))) it must be so hard right now for you :( it will get easier. DH doesn't sound like he's much of a help at the moment - do you have parents or in laws nearby or even a friend? Can you afford a mother's helper?

See if the midwife can come around asap, too.
Can your dh take your 2 yo out for a little while somewhere?

phone the midwife, get someone out today to sort the stitches and make sure no infection

secondly, you are 1 week post natal ! 1 week ! that's nothing, you're hormones are all over the plcae, you must be shattered and IMO, a 2 year old and newborn is the most exhausting combination and you have twins

there is a twins club/thread on ehre , with some really expereinced twin mums who can give you plenty of breastfeeding and general support

at 1 week old, there is no routine and putting them to the breast frewquently is a good thing to encourage your supply and to comfort the babies

pulling yourself together cna wait.. feed, rest , feed , rest is all yoju need to do

if you've lots of support then other people can do washing, cooking , cleaning etc and make sure you are given space to feed and have drinks/snacks when you need them

your DH is not being helpful by shouting, he needs to take a step back.. at one week old, he has not managed to get them into a syncrhonised feeding pattern ! that is more luck than judgement

I think deep down you know this is the worst bit. You and your DH are both knackered, overwhelmed, and you're in a hormone-fuddled haze.

It will get better. I find it helpful to focus on a point in the future - maybe it's summer 2016, you and DH are sitting in the park on a lazy summer day, with a delicious picnic laid out in front of you. Your 7 year old daughter is running around, singing at the top of her voice, and two beautiful five year old children are following her, laughing and singing along.

Keep talking to your DH, the first few months will be hard (I have a friend who was in the same position a few years ago) and you need to be there for each other. But it will all be worth it in the long run.

This might be controversial, but I would stop bf for starters. You are clearly exhausted and need to share the burden of feeding your twins. Also, try to rope in as much help and practical support as you can. Also, talk to the midwife about how you feel.

Having twins is extremely taxing. I am not surprised that you feel like this. But it will get better. Are you on any twins forums?

Can you get a maternity nurse? Seriously even if it means getting into abit of debt, in your situation I would.

Is your DD in any kind of childcare? Could you consider a childminder/nursery a couple of days a week?

You have just had major surgery and tbh I think you should still be in hospital.

For the next week at least, try to just stay in bed and get DP/friends/family to bring everything inc babies to you.

Please dont be doing any cooking/cleaning.

Huge sympathy from me.

All I can say is that the only things that matter right now are to feed yourself, feed your babies and get some sleep. Everything else - and everyone else - can wait.

Do get someone - anyone - to help you. Call the midwife and tell her explicitly how you're feeling. It sounds impossible, but she's seen it all before and if she's any use at all she'll be able to help. Have you got a close friend / mum / sister / neighbour who can take the toddler off your hands for a couple of hours a day? Ask DH to focus on your DD whilst you look after the babies, perhaps?

It really is a very common reaction this soon after birth to feel you've made a mistake. It WILL get better.

This is the worst, worst bit and you are both sleep deprived and massively overwhelmed. Now, not a popular view maybe, but don't feel guilty if you decide to go down the formula route if you need to. I have triplets and I found it extremely beneficial getting them into a routine. With the formula feeding, once they were in a good 4 hourly routine, then DH and I would take turns to feed them. This ensured that we got a good 7 hours sleep per night.

Accept ALL offers of help, and if someone comes over, don't hand them a baby, hand them a teatowel, basket full of ironing so you can sit and rest with your children.

You really do need to chat with your MW. She will have heard all of this before, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed.

Last but not least, you are actually coping. The children are all warm, clean and fed. You ARE doing this and it will get better and better and better. Feel free to PM me if you want to. Now go and get some sleep. xxx

I am sure you are doing just fine and your babies are very well cared for. But I think for you it doesn't feel like this... You sound overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted. You have had major surgery and your hormones will be all over the place. You need support and practical assistance, agree with posters who say ask for and accept all offers of help - you are needing and deserving of this. It is bloody hard work having a 2 year old with one newborn let alone twin newborns! Don't be too hard on yourself, anyone would find this difficult and overwhelming. I will be in the position of having a 2 year old and one newborn in about 5 weeks time and I am petrified wondering how I and my husband will cope!!!

Agree also that your midwife must review you urgently. It is possible that bad smelling lochia is completely normal but it is worrying you and you don't need the extra stress. Midwife needs to come as matter of urgency and assess this and your stitches/wound. Also I wonder if you may be post-natally depressed. This does not make you a bad mother but can make you feel like one and again is very detrimental to you. Midwife can make this assessment and refer you for GP/counselling support. You should be able to contact your midwifery team and ask that midwife comes to your home asap.

Well done to you for acknowledging you are not feeling great and it is getting on top of you. This is not easy to do, we often deny these difficult feelings to try and avoid further pain and distress. But by acknowledging them you are allowing the possibility of changing your situation for the better and of getting the support and help you need.

I think getting into some sort of routine is vital. My twins are eleven months now and if i didn't have a strict routine (I have four other children aged 3, 7, 9, 17) then life would have fallen apart.

All my other children were breastfed but i formula feed the twins. Don't feel guilty if you decide to go down this route, your sanity is just as important as what you feed your babies.

My advice would be to try and keep babies in sync as much as possible. If one wakes for a feed, feed the other. Try and get them sleeping at the same time.

If you are local to Dorset I'll come and give you a helping hand. I know just how you are feeling.

Please have a good cry. The first week is awful, even with just one! ( I remember trying to run away and screaming at my DH).

Please don't underestimate hormones.

Things will get better.

Call someone as soon as you can (you are still a patient of the delivery ward for 28 days post-birth. (Tis true for my area) They will be there 24 hours.)

good luck

it will get better.

And in a few weeks you'll be here on MN dispensing advice to new mothers, especially those with twins.

Shhh, shhh, you aren't greedy for wanting a second (and third) baby, or crap and useless one little bit! You do want them, and your DD will love having little siblings (most of the time, anyway). You will get through this. You say you have excellent family support - use them, as so many people have said already. Try to tell DH (or failing that, get someone like his mum to tell him if they can do it tactfully) not to shout at you because it just makes things worse - you don't really mean that you want to abandon your twins, but he's scared and exhausted too and not reacting as he would normally either. Try not to beat yourself up too much, although I know it's easier said than done. All three of your kids couldn't have a better mother than you, no matter how it feels to you this minute. Can someone look after DD for a little while so you and DH can concentrate on the twins?

Thankyou all so so much for your replies. DH called the midwife and there's no service on a Sunday but someone is coming tomorrow morning. He told the mw I was v low and she said it all sounded v normal and I needed lots of cuddles and looking after.
I rang my mum and she took DD for the day which was a big help, but I also felt guilty as I seem to be losing my relationship with DD - I've handed her over to my mum and Dad so much lately that she prefers them, mostly. And guilty cos I lean on my mum so much, too.

I had a few hours sleep this morning but I've cried pretty much solidly all day. My DH tries but he seems to ask me questions constantly. I'm the "coping" half of us and it must be tough to see your other half fracture like this.

I'm also going to email a couple of girls from the local Twin Mums Club for ideas. There are a couple who have older children - it's DD that in a way is the complicating factor.

I think focussing on a date in the future is a lovely idea and I'm going to do that, thankyou.

Sadly I'm not in Dorset, Geepers, but goodness how fab you must be to manage such a lovely brood!

Breastfeeding: I'm expressing and have a great supply but already the babies are showing a preference for a teat not a nipple, and I don't want to be a pure expresser. BF is so emotive; I don't want to give up on the basis that I couldn't get myself together early on, and yet have no idea how to get a routine going purely on exclusive bf.

Oh big hugs to you. Hormones, tiredness, expecting too much of yourself.
If i was your mum i would not feel you were leaning on me. Twins, atoddler and a c section, thats a lot.
Could you afford for someone to do some household chores. My mum did my ironing, and made a huge difference.
You will soon settle into a routine. Be gentle on yourself and your other half. Keep us up to date

Bless you. Thanks for coming back. Of all places in the world I'm almost certain you'll find someone on MN who has excl bf twins and can advise... I suggest starting a thread in the twins section of this site or breast and bottle feeding and put th title something like "has anyone exclusively bf'd twins while having a 2 yo to look after?" something explicit like that so you're sure to get someone in at least a similar circ to yours to give tried and tested advice. We'll keep supporting you here, too. Just think having that in your title might get people with this experience to have a look.
This stage is temporary and soon you'll be able to spend more time with DD. It's great that she loves her GPs and that they can help. They won't ever replace you.
You're doing well. Take things one day at a time :) xx

(I'm doing this in separate posts cos I can only see part of the screen on my phone!)

Right, anyway, you've all given me food for thought and I'll try and be more gentle and less judgemental about myself.you're right, the children ARE clean and warm and fed, and apart from the odd toddler meltdown, pretty happy I think. I'm focussing on all the "should" parts of my life.

I've also just arranged different hours with our (wonderful) cleaner, so instead of get coming in and blitzing the place once a week, she's going to come for a shorter time, more often, to keep on top of the mess but also to keep an eye on me I think. We talked about a maternity nurse when DH goes back to work, so will Have that chat again later. You're right. Inwill get through. Thanks so much for listening. X x

If you are breastfeeding I think it will be extremely difficult to get them into a routine,at the moment anyway as obviously you need to feed them loads.
Are u expressing just so others can feed them?If so it probably is just as time consuming.Twin mum's can eventually tandem feed can't they?(just thinking aloud!).
I too don't think I could breastfeed if I had twins (have bf my singles). But I know what you mean,it is SO emotive and you end up feeling guilty.
You are doing really well even though you don't feel like it.

My relationship with my eldest changed a bit when DS came along (she was 2.2). In fact she got really close to her Daddy which I thought was quite sweet. I did feel guilty but we all do don't we?!

Remember you are in the hardest part at the moment,just go day by day.
Take care.

Pleased to hear you sounding a bit more positive. It must be so hard, and as others have said it's such early days yet.

Just wanted to reply about feeling guilty about leaving your 2-year old to others- I'm sure she doesn't really 'prefer' them! She just can't understand how tired you are and she is enjoying spending time with others, but you are her mum and she loves you.

Big hugs

I think the bonding thing and wrecking life thing is more common than people like to admit. Only bonded with DS when I was comfortable with the feeding (which with me was bottle). Whatever feeding you pick, do not feel guilty, Your life with your children is more important than any feeding method

Never had it but have you been checked out for Post natal depression? Although I think sleep deprivation can be hell too. Sounds silly but can you send DH away somewhere for a night? With him fully rested he might be able to help you more and get a clearer perspective?

You are no different from a lot of Mums - lots would put them back where they came from, if they could, in the early days! It's a lot of work, your hormones are raging around you and you are sleep deprived.

DH needs telling - either by you, your Mum or his Mum, friends, MW or one of us You are the one who has carried them and had section & have the hormones flooding your body. Yes it's hard for him to be sleep deprived, to feel out of control etc yadda yadda yadda - but you have far more to cope with than him. He has NO place shouting at you, calling you useless and a let down is unforgiveable and he needs telling!! He should be supporting you and telling you what a great Mum you are etc - not being a complete dick.

Can you not put the twins in one cot at your side of the bed so that DH can be there as well - I don't think sleeping separately is a good idea.

Try not to worry about your relationship with DD, for now, if anyone can have her for a bit, let them. If she is happy with your Mum, then great. Once you are in a routine and getting a bit of sleep you can spend more time with DD and things will be fine with her again :)

Make sure you are eating, drinking and getting as much rest as possible. Take up the offer from anyone wanting to help!

I am in the SE. If you are near me, shout and I will help you.

I'm in surrey if you need a hand.

Keep going, you're doing great.