I can't do this.

[Manyofhorror3]

Had twins less than a week ago, straight forward section but some complications post birth. Had been admitted a week before cos of poss pre eclampsia. Am a bit anaemic, hb9.3. Have come home a day early as our DD who is just two, was missing me.

We had the second pregnancy because we didn't want DD to be an only child, not because we were broody or anything. They're here and are perfect. But. I can't do it. Don't want them. Shouldn't have had them. Ruined everything.
We were happy with Our DD and now it's all spoiled. Can't feed them AND sleep. Can't bear being shouted at. Can't bear listening to DH also not coping. Want to send them back. Or leave with DD. Feel so crap and useless. I was happy with DD and was greedy and we should never have had them. My DH is doing his best but he cuts corners which make things harder and we row eg putting DD to bed without changing her so she wakes up mega wet and then won't settle. I'm exclusively BF/expressing and trying to get a routine going but they want to feed more than I can manage. They're on a cot bolted to my bed, DH has his own room and can't cosleep cos he smokes.
Feeling very sad and can't stop crying. We've got plenty of family support and I've just had a good sleep now but am so fearful for the future. They all deserve so much better than this.
I know this is is really rambly. I just tried to tell DH why I was crying and he got annoyed again and said I was rejecting my own babies and slammed out. I know he's scared too but he shouts at me and calls me useless and a let down, which doesn't help. He had them for 2.5 hours last night and fed them at the same time and said he'd synchronised their feeding and then went mad with me when I said I didn't know when they were due a feed as I kept putting them on the breast to settle them. I was just so desperate for sleep.
I know I need to pull myself together. The midwife hasn't been and I need my stitches out and (tmi) my lochia smells bad, and I'm worried about that too.
So sorry to go on, I just need to get this out without doing it in real life.

Oh I love the kindness of MN. I'm in SE, too and would love to be able to help. I'm back to work next week but I might be able to on a Sunday if you'd like :)

Chippingin - why do you think sleepin separately is a bad idea? sleeping separately actually saved us in the early days. It may be different with twins but while co sleeping we all slept better when dh wasn't in bed with DS and I. We are sleeping together now (DS is 2 and have been since DS was about 6-7 months... Irregularly some nights not others between 4-6 months). Our marriage is fine and it helped a lot. When one of us was up with DS the other could really sleep. He didn't smoke it was just good for us.
Again, that's with one dc so no idea if you have a reason for it being her second birth and twins.

For what it's worth, I wanted to chip in that amongst me and my friends - who have all had a new baby alongside a two-year-old - I don't know anyone who hasn't felt like the 2 yr old was being neglected / would stop loving us and would prefer other people. This is not to minimise your feelings, more to say that it is a very understandable thing to feel at this point when your hormones are everywhere and I imagine it is amplified with twins. It's so, so okay not to be over the moon right now, and anyone in your position would be having some major challenges adapting. I too remember looking at my new baby and wondering whether I could give her to someone else so things could go back to how they were. Please don't feel guilty for having thoughts that feel 'unacceptable' or 'unloving' - it's an amazing change for you as a person and you all as a family to meet.

I also wanted to applaud you for your efforts with breastfeeding - if you do decide to keep going then I think after the first, hard, weeks it ends up being so convenient when juggling baby (babies) and toddler - so much less to remember when you leave the house, for instance. Whatever you decide, please know that you have my admiration for the fact that you're hanging in there. It sounds like you're doing so much better than you think you are. It also sounds like being able to have a good chat and cry on the shoulder of someone in real life would be useful in terms of making sure that everyone's giving you the maximum help they can. You will NEVER regret asking for help from anyone right now, but you might regret not asking. My thoughts are with you.

Hi, I'm 37 weeks pregnant with twins and have a DD who is 2.5.

I felt exactly like this from the minute I found out. I felt that I only got pregnant to have a sibling for my DD but instead of it being great for her, she's had a lousy exhausted mum and probably will be excluded by the close bond the twins will have. Etc etc. You know what I've been thinking. I was a lousy mum to DD when she was born as I'm dreadful with sleep deprivation and basically lost it. How could I cope with 2 new ones, no sleep? I love DD so much, the twins are going to destroy that bond. And yet so many people have told me how lucky I am, how they would love to have twins.

Well, I'm a few weeks behind you so I can't possibly know how I'll be but if you want to stay in touch then this is me.

On a practical note, I'm employing a postnatal doula for 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. My DD is in nursery on 3 of those days and the doula will take care of the twins. And I will sleep. If a maternity nurse is available to you, I say go for it.

I also made the decision to bottle feed them. I fed DD until she was 14 mths but the with the twins I will start off with mixed feeding and see how it goes. I know my limits and this time I have to take the easiest route to everything.

Don't be hard on yourself, get through this stage however you can.

Sorry, bit of a waffle but here if you want to talk.

And btw, whatever you and DH may have said to each other during the first few days, doesn't count.

It's the hormones and tiredness talking. Hormones and tiredness are bastards and bitches.

(Feeling a bit guilty about when I tried to run out of the house with DD3)

Just wanted to give you a hug and say do NOT feel guilty about using your mum. She will be delighted to be doing something to help you and your DD will not lose her bond with you in a few weeks. If that was the case first born children would never have a good relationship with their parents, and we all know that's not true.

Your DD will love the undiluted attention she is getting with her granny, while you and DH grab your sleep while you can. Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself.

It's good to see you feeling more positive. You do need to be kinder to yourself. I'm near Tameside if you want some help too!

Oh and I meant to add that I exclusvely breastfed DS, but my DD could not feed properly, with either breast or bottle. I tried expressing, then realised it was not helping her (or me to be honest). I sobbed and sobbed the day I stopped bfeeding her, but can honestly say she thrived - and slept better - from the day I stopped, so do not feel bad if you go down the formula route.

For what it is worth I think you have been wonderfully honest and know that you are going to be just fine.

I am expecting dc4 and I have felt very guilty for the other dc's each time I've given birth, I think it is partly a hormonal thing and also just adjusting to the new family dynamics. Children are incredibly flexible and I'm sure your dd is loving all the extra people coming and going and spending time with her GP's.

I think all the advice about spreading out your help is a great idea and if you can get your cleaner to keep on top of the house it leaves you free to concentrate on the dc's.

I have a friend who rang me one week in with dc2 and was feeling exactly the same as you. Her dd1 was 5 and at full time school. When ever I have had a newborn at home I chant my mantra of 'one day at a time' slowly the mist of the first six weeks lifts and everyone survives. I try not to get fixated on just how little sleep I've had, it is amazing how little you need.

Go give dh a big hug and congratulate yourselves on getting your little bundles this far and agree on the team game plan for the next 24 hours.

I'm sure you'll be back on soon feeling loads better and you won't be able to remember a time when the twins weren't here!

Just to say that i kind of know how you feel except that it was my first and i have no other children. I had the worst case of pre- and post-natal pre-ec and it almost drove me round the bend/killed me. Because it made me feel so so crap, everything got totally out of proportion so to you, the fact that have you have 3 children will make it even worse. Im okay now after 15 weeks but still have a tendency to snap and think im crap because i didnt manage well for the first month. I couldnt even breastfeed her, had emergency c-section and was stuck on a drip for 3 days and so didnt even hold her and so maybe didnt bond as i should have. Now things are nearly great and after talking to health visitor, husband, midwife, anyone i feel netter and so will you x

Just wanted to share some words of wisdom from someone I knew. I was telling her how much I admired what she managed to achieve in life (being a GP, three children, plus doing important and time-consuming medical research on the side) and saying that I just couldn't understand how she did it all. She told me that eight years before, she'd been in much the same situation you are now, with premature twins plus a toddler. She said that it was the most difficult time of her life, with absolutely comparisons. It had been hellish at the time, with her and her DH permanently sleep-deprived. But they got through it, and ever since then, she'd known that she could take whatever life threw at her. Nothing had ever seemed as hard as those months with the children - and so now, she could go on and do incredible things with the rest of her life.

Hope you've had a better day. I haven't got twins but my younger two are only a year apart so do know a bit about two cots and two lots of nappies etc.

and don't forget, women used to have the luxury of staying in hospital for at least two weeks in't olden days. These days we have to be superwoman, and sometimes it's a bit hard...

I hope you are feeling more positive today. I have 6 year old twins, and I take my hat off to you for trying to breast feed them. I know it is possible and some twin mums manage it, but I bottlefed formula, so that me and DH could take an equal share of the care. We fed the boys together, waking one if the other woke, and we took one twin each. This really helped as I didnt feel like the lions share was down to me. They quickly settled into three hourly feeds, and then we put them into a routine as soon as possible and were quite strict. I didnt have any other children at the time, but I have now and I understand the way you feel like you are not giving them enough attention, but they will benefit from having the twins as siblings more than you can imagine. Also, you will find it gets much easier, twins always have each other for company, and generally require less of your time as they get older as they will play with each other, instead of needing your constant attention, like some singletons.

I just think you need to cut yourself some slack, and makes things as easy on yourself as you need to as this feeling of being overwhelmed will pass.

Just popping in to saythat you were right, things did get better! Day 5 blues are ghastly! I've had some dark moments, without a doubt, and my prevously lovely husband has behaved like a prize tosser, but I'm strong enough to argue back, and to see he's just as scared as me.
I think I had a tiny glimpse of one day of what proper PND might be like and it was ghastly. I'm so lucky and blessed to have these beautiful children and I think we'll get through any wobbles eventually. And my husband is having the twins overnight for the next 2 weeks so at least I get to catch up on my sleep deficit.
Thanks TONS. x x x x

So nice to read you are feeling more positive. Good luck and congratulations on your growing family!

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I have 3.5 yo twins and a 8 month old baby.

I remember when I first had my twins, walking around the maternity ward crying my eyes out in total despair. I remember nights in the first couple of weeks where it would get to 5am and I hadn't managed to get to sleep yet because of the endless round of feeding.

It gets easier - I can certainly vouch for that as we chose to have another one

It is still really early days for you and you are probably reeling a bit in shock from the difference between caring for twins vs a single baby.

I didn't BF with my twins. I decided that I needed DH's help wwith feeding and couldn't cope with being the only one able to feed, however I know of other Mums who managed to BF twins. I'm guessing you BF'd your DD so really want to do it this time too.

Whatever you choose to do I hope it works for you.

I once read somewhere that twins are a blessing only given to people who can cope with them and I truly believe that.

Good luck - it doesn't stay this tough I promise.