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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Dads at birth??

63 replies

kleggie · 30/09/2005 10:38

This is probably going to sound ridiculous as we're not even pregnant yet, but since dh and I have started ttc, we have been discussing our hopes, fears etc.

DH has always been very honest and I know that although he really wants to be at the birth, he has never wanted to see the 'business end'. I assumed that he was just squeamish (and was fine with it) but he admitted last night that he was very concerned that seeing 'down there' would alter the way he saw me. My own dad was present at my birth and- without knowing too much about what goes on in my parent's bedroom- I know that he regretted looking down there and in all honesty it affected his sexual relationship with my Mum.

I have no problem with him staying at the head end, but always envisaged an active labour and birth. I would imagine that there is a high chance that while I'm merrily waving my bum in the air on all fours he may just catch sight of something he doesn't want to.

Have any of your dp/dh's been there and regretted it? Am I best just taking my Mum with me? Sorry if this all sounds a bit ridiculous, but I want to take dh's fears seriously and let him know that I'm addressing them.

Anyway, I've got a smear test in half an hour. Oh the joys of chit chatting about the weather with 'legs apart, bottom down!' (anybody remember this Ben Elton sketch?!) Oh the joys of being female....

Please let me know your thoughts, I'll check back later.

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Toothache · 30/09/2005 15:14

Ediemay - lol I wondered how windows suddenly had become really important in childbirth!

I think some people may be missing the point..... its not because he's squeamish... its because he thinks seeing his wives flange in all its almighty glory during childbirth would mean he wouldn't be sexually attracted to her anymore!

sweetkitty · 30/09/2005 15:14

I think that just after the birth DP and I were at our closest as we had both had the most wonderful experience of our lives and were sharing it together. DP said it made him love me more as he was witness to what my body had done. I know really yucky.

I feel quite jealous as he got to witness the birth of his child without any of the pain men eh

tortoiseshell · 30/09/2005 15:14

I don't know - I don't think it is shallow, because he's not said that 'during' the birth, it's not that whilst his precious child is being born he's thinking about sex, more a worry that the memory will affect things in the future, and I think it's quite mature to think things through actually. Dh saw everything with ds, but with dd was too busy to actually see anything!

Incidentally, a colleague looked beyond the screen when his dw was having a C-section, and it did traumatise him somewhat! He SO wished he hadn't looked!

sweetkitty · 30/09/2005 15:16

Won't tell you the lovely description DP called my lady bits post birth lying in stirrups with every man and his dog wondering how to put me back together again and it hasn't put him off (sometimes I wish it had lol)

Original poster

kleggie · 30/09/2005 15:17

Hello, thank you so much for all the constructive advice. I think things might look different on the day, if you pardon the pun.

Think I should probably defend dh slightly. He is not immature (and I certainly wouldn't plan a family with him if he was) and not thinking about our sex life in terms of 'Oh God I won't fancy her', not at all. In fact he'd be very hurt if I believed that was the problem. I know he loves me and our sex life is so much a part of how much we love each other that the physical and emotional attraction cannot be separated. I think, paraphrasing for him, it is that he can't cope with the idea of seeing me go through that. He watches Desperate Midwives like its a rugby match- eyes never leave screen- and he always says 'I don't think I want to watch you do that.' It's more a 'I can't believe you have to go through that and I'm all helpless' issue. It's the physical confrontation of me pushing the baby out, it's not the idea in essence of us having a child or of my physical form being altered. He gets pretty tearful about the prospect of being a parent- with joy!- and cannot wait to be the first person to hold our baby, but he's trying to be honest about how he feels. Plus my Dad and my fil have both said they regretted being at the 'business end' (oh yes a great phrase!!)and they are both mature men, both in love with and physically attracted to their wives. They have, however, seen that sex can create life and in doing that will see the person they love the most and wish to protect, ultimately suffer. Am I explaining this at all?

Here's hoping when it all happens he will be so caught up in the moment that it won't be an issue, but I'm trying so hard to include him in a process which he feels a bit disconnected from. I think the problem is, he can't protect me from everything and I have mn to scroll through and allay my fears, answer my qs etc. In rl his friends aren't so keen on the baby chats- in fact when he tried to broach it with a friend of his who recently had a baby he was told 'oh all women go off sex mate'. Entirely missed the point methinks and he's too scared to ask again!

I'll show him all your comments when he gets home from work.

btw shhhh when my Dad cut the cord, the student midwife hadn't clamped it properly and blood shooted all over his budgie jacket (what the hell is one of those?) and up the wall. Maybe that's why he regretted it?!?

OP posts:

Chloe55 · 30/09/2005 15:19

My DH has expressed his fears of my 'bits' not returning to normal post child birth and I don't think it is an immaturity thing because I also have my concerns, I know we are designed to have children and things stretch and retract but after hearing a few horror stories from mums who have needed multiple sutures or rectal problems during tearing it makes no wonder both he and I are a little worried how our sex life might be altered. That as well as being knackered, covered in sick, covered in baby poo etc etc

Original poster

kleggie · 30/09/2005 15:20

Exactly tortoishell! You've just explained in a couple of sentences what I skirted around in an epic...

OP posts:

Toothache · 30/09/2005 15:20

Exactly SK! My point is that sex when in a relationship is more than just about being sexually attracted to genitals. There is a bond that you share after birth that is quite overwhelming!!! I cannot see how worrying about your sexual desire for your wife diminishing because you have witnessed her give birth can possibly be a mature reaction. I just think its shallow and selfish....... however.....

Kleggie - perhaps he is just embarassed to admit that he is squeamish about it all, I bet lots of men are.

Chloe55 · 30/09/2005 15:23

I think that's my DH's problem Toothy, at least you can get yours to watch the birth programmes Kleggie - mine might occassionally watch one from behind a pillow because I have tied him to the seat to force him to prepare himself!!

Toothache · 30/09/2005 15:25

lol Chloe.... Lots of women are squeamish too though..... but we don't have a feckin choice!!

I suppose thats another point. If you and your partner decide to have children then he should be their for the good and the bad. We have to be!

Original poster

kleggie · 30/09/2005 15:25

OMG I wish I hadn't posted. Toothache you seem to have written off my dh as an immature, selfish, sex-obsessed prat. Well yes, prat, maybe every now and then, but not in terms of this. He's doing his very best to get involved and be honest and it's not the physical change!!

Anyway, he's my prat! And I love him.

OP posts:

Toothache · 30/09/2005 15:27

NONONNOOOOO Kleggie! I'm haven't called your DH anything!!!

I did post in my last post that it may be more to do with him covering up the fact that he is a bit squeamish about it!!!

Sorry... but I'm offering another opinion, something that you have to expect when you post a query on a public forum. As far as I can see I haven't called anyone names and was actually trying to be tactful! Sorry you seem to have taken offense to my differing view.

morningpaper · 30/09/2005 15:28

I think that what makes a good father is not at all the same as what makes a good birth partner. I think it's wrong to assume that the father necessarily HAS to take that role.

tortoiseshell · 30/09/2005 15:29

actually we do have a choice whether we look or not! I was asked if I wanted to look when ds was coming out and I SO didn't want to, because I thought it might be too disturbing.

Toothache · 30/09/2005 15:31

MP - My original point was purely that the chance of going off your wife sexually shouldn't really be the deciding factor, and on the grand scale of things shouldn't really be that important.

...and again.... I haven't called anyone names.

Chloe55 · 30/09/2005 15:32

I'll just be impressed if my DH makes it to the end - looking or no looking! My screams might be enough to traumatize him for life.

ediemay · 30/09/2005 15:32

kleggie, the only thing you will both care about is having a healthy baby. Mst men tend to be more squeamish than women and I really wouldn't worry. I think Toothache is saying that you will both be so focussed on the baby, other thoughts will vanish. Just don't forget your window!

morningpaper · 30/09/2005 15:33

Having DH at the birth put me off HIM sexually...

Toothache · 30/09/2005 15:35

My DH is such a blouse. And stayed well back from me. Everytime I looked up he was over the other side of the room on a chair looking scared!

But, by the end of it he was so amazed and overwhelmed that he got caught up in the moment. With our 2nd when I started pushing he stood next to me ready for the long haul (took 90mins to push ds out)..... but dd was out in about 8minutes!!!! He watched it all and was just so overwhelmed again he said he couldn't have missed it for the world....and told all his friends that they should never miss that experience if they get the chance to witness it.

....however... he nearly fainted when I had a blood test.

sweetkitty · 30/09/2005 15:38

My DP was upset about me being in a lot of pain that he could do nothing about, I think this time whilst he knows I'm going to be screaming the place down he also knows how elated we will both feel afterwards.

It's probably just a fear of the unknown and once the the event happens I'm sure he will be like my DP and telling everyone the gory details!

ediemay · 30/09/2005 15:39

Toothache, my DP is also a blouse! He currently has a cold - except it's "not a cold, it's FLU but WORSE" and looked terrified during labour by the noises I was making.

morningpaper · 30/09/2005 15:42

Mine also looked terrified most of the time which frankly was not very reassuring!!!

Original poster

kleggie · 30/09/2005 15:44

Soz Toothache it was just the bit about you saying...

'I think some people may be missing the point..... its not because he's squeamish... its because he thinks seeing his wives flange in all its almighty glory during childbirth would mean he wouldn't be sexually attracted to her anymore!'

and then...

'I cannot see how worrying about your sexual desire for your wife diminishing because you have witnessed her give birth can possibly be a mature reaction. I just think its shallow and selfish'

I think you mistook what I meant in the first place. And hey, I'm all for differing opinions. Don't you just hate it when somebody hates sombody's differing point of view and then gets huffy and disappears. Diversity all the way. I'm just trying to prevent my dh from being misrepresented.

OP posts:

jenkel · 30/09/2005 15:46

My Dh is also squeamish but really wanted to be at the birth. I dont think he saw anything that he didnt want to, he stayed at the head end, if you explain to the midwives (if you have understanding) ones I sure that will accomodate your dh, they told my dh to leave the room when something unpleasant had to be done. I'm so pleased he was present, he helped no end, and the look of joy, love, amazement on his face when they handed our daughter to him.

Original poster

kleggie · 30/09/2005 15:48

Oh and completely off topic, he wants to eat the placenta! Whole other erm can of erm stuff,

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