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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Dads at birth??

63 replies

kleggie · 30/09/2005 10:38

This is probably going to sound ridiculous as we're not even pregnant yet, but since dh and I have started ttc, we have been discussing our hopes, fears etc.

DH has always been very honest and I know that although he really wants to be at the birth, he has never wanted to see the 'business end'. I assumed that he was just squeamish (and was fine with it) but he admitted last night that he was very concerned that seeing 'down there' would alter the way he saw me. My own dad was present at my birth and- without knowing too much about what goes on in my parent's bedroom- I know that he regretted looking down there and in all honesty it affected his sexual relationship with my Mum.

I have no problem with him staying at the head end, but always envisaged an active labour and birth. I would imagine that there is a high chance that while I'm merrily waving my bum in the air on all fours he may just catch sight of something he doesn't want to.

Have any of your dp/dh's been there and regretted it? Am I best just taking my Mum with me? Sorry if this all sounds a bit ridiculous, but I want to take dh's fears seriously and let him know that I'm addressing them.

Anyway, I've got a smear test in half an hour. Oh the joys of chit chatting about the weather with 'legs apart, bottom down!' (anybody remember this Ben Elton sketch?!) Oh the joys of being female....

Please let me know your thoughts, I'll check back later.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jessicaandbumpsmummy · 30/09/2005 10:40

Before I had Jess my DH was exactly the same.... just didnt want to see that end, but when it actualyl came to it, he was too curious! He was absolutely amazed and is really looknig forward to the birth of bump in a few weeks.

And needless to say, I cant have scarred him that much as i fell pg again when Jess was 6 motnhs old!!!

kama · 30/09/2005 10:42

This reply has been deleted

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mumfor1sttime · 30/09/2005 10:42

My DH felt the same way. He wanted to stay 'up that end'.
I ended up with a c section anyway, so he didnt have to worry!

nailpolish · 30/09/2005 10:44

my dh said "no way" to being at the goal end

but hes a wimp

hunkermunker · 30/09/2005 10:44

I had an active waterbirth, DH didn't see anything he didn't want to (he's very squeamish, especially about me - doesn't even like feeling the baby kick when I'm pg!). He didn't want to see anything...so he didn't look!

sweetkitty · 30/09/2005 10:44

My DP is like Jess's mums, he is the most sqeamish bloke in the world and was adamant he was staying at the head end only. His mum was like don't go near the business end ever! But when It came to it he was holding my leg and saw everything, think he even saw me being stitched etc. He said the sight of DD's head emerging was the best thing he has ever seen in his life, he's always gushing about it! He said it didn't change the way he thought about things sexually at all although we waited a good few weeks before getting back in the saddle so to speak but he said there was no difference whatsoever. Like JABM we conceived no 2 when DD was 9 months and he is really looking forward to this one being born too.

Hope that helps x

flamebat · 30/09/2005 10:45

My DH never stated any preference, but he did tend to stay head end... I think he was going with the theory that I needed him at that end, I had midwives for the other.

Dunno if he saw anything much (was high on gas and air), and I've noticed no change in our bedroom activities

Toothache · 30/09/2005 10:54

I am amazed when I hear that a man won't watch is child being born for the fear of being turned off sex by it!! Am I the only person that thinks thats pretty shallow?

Your bits and pieces do go back to normal.

Honestly.... when it comes to theeeeeee single most precious person to you coming into the world (however that may be) the thought of a bit of nookie won't cross your minds!! And he'll be so overwhelmed with emotion that it'll become completely irrelevent.

Good luck trying to conceive and I'm sure you could print this thread out for your DH to read a few weeks after your beautiful son or daughter is born..... and he'll laugh!

hunkermunker · 30/09/2005 10:57

Toothache, that wasn't DH's problem - he just doesn't like..."insides" He means blood, I think. He won't clarify!

expatinscotland · 30/09/2005 10:58

No, Toothache, you're not the only one who feels that way. I do, too.

To me it's a maturity issue.

Miaou · 30/09/2005 11:00

kleggie, I don't see any reason why your dh would need to be down the "business end" (love that phrase!) if he doesn't want to be. You will probably find that if you want his support/help it will be to hold you while you have contractions, talk to you etc - all things for which he needs to be away from that end of things! He can keep his head turned away from what's going on and just look at your face etc.

If you reassure him at this stage that this is fine by you, then he will probably feel more relaxed about the whole thing and be happy to be there. Better that than feeling that he can't attend at all.

doormat · 30/09/2005 11:08

My dh is squeamish and I thought he would have a problem but he was like as paul butler would say "my rock" and was so overcome with emotion, he didnt care about the mess.
It never put him off the nooks neither.

I think it is the only times I have seen him cry too.

Miaou · 30/09/2005 11:11

I don't think it's as much a maturity issue as a fear of the unknown and a bit of over-anxiousness. I guess you can tell by the way he talks about it.

acnebride · 30/09/2005 11:22

I think it's completely fair for any dh to be a bit nervous of the unknown - just like we are. My ds was mostly pretty occupied at the head end and could certainly have avoided seeing much if he'd wanted to. As it happened, he and the midwife spent some time observing ds moving down, with the midwife explaining what he could see (frankly, could have done without this, was howling away at the other end and feeling like a medical specimen ) and when I was being stitched I glanced towards the midwife and found my dh having a good interested look. I don't think he should worry but it's good that he's admitting his real thoughts to you.

acnebride · 30/09/2005 11:23

oh ps despite all that no problem sexually afterwards - except being knackered but there you go

Toothache · 30/09/2005 11:29

I don't mean the Dads not wanting to see coz their squeamish and don't like the sight of blood!!! I mean men that are actually thinking about their sexlife over and above witnessing their child be born! I think that is shallow..... and must be the attitude of men who don't have children yet..... coz once they do their attitudes presumably change.

I don't think I'd like to be too close to the business end if I was someones birthing partner!!

Squeamish and scared of the unknown is one thing, but putting in the effort to worry about going off sex with your wife (who's just been through feckin hell to give birth!!!).... I'm ed!

NB. Thats why Gordon Ramsey didn't attend any of his childrens births.

hunkermunker · 30/09/2005 11:30

Yes, I think that's pretty shallow too, TA. DH not affected like that, definitely

Gordon Ramsay also has never changed a nappy...

Wordsmith · 30/09/2005 11:31

There's no need for him to go down the business end if he doesn't need to - when DS1 was born I needed him up the top end, holding my hand and wiping my face! DS2 was a lot easier, calmer and mroe textbook, and he actually saw the head coming out and saw him being born, and he thinks it was the most amazing this he has ever seen in his entire life and wouldn't have missed it for the world.

And he's a totally squeamish sort of guy.

shhhh · 30/09/2005 14:29

Well dh was not keen on being "down there" at dd birth but when the time came things changed. I had a water birth so dh couldn't really ses that much to start with. I actually gave birth out of water & I believe the mw showed dh dd's head as it emerged. He laughs now telling me that he thought I was giving birth to an alient LOL!! DD's head (as with most babies) as oval in shape & was bluish. Think dh thought dd would come out looking "like a baby"..! Anyway I don't think this had an impact on how dh see's me now and in fact our sex life is probably better that before dd was born sitmi..!!!
DH at the time was more concerned and against cutting the cord, he didn't do it and I don't think he regretted it..Don't really know what put him off that bit?? Mmmm think i will ask him tonight!
Good luck with ttc.

serenity · 30/09/2005 14:54

I had DH and my Mum for all three births. DH was moral support, hand holding and 'person in charge of gas and air' - I kept losing it . My Mum was the one who bullied me into not giving up when it got hard (not actually sure how I planned to stop halfway through....) She was also the one who gave me all the 'business end' commentary! I know DH was nervous about being down there, but only in the whole thing of not wanting to see me in pain, bleeding etc. Neither of us found it as bad as we expected, and he even cut the cord in the end.

I wouldn't worry about the active birth bit, there's only so fast you can move at 9 months+ especially in the middle of labour. He'll have plenty of time to move out of shot.

edam · 30/09/2005 15:01

I had both my sisters and dh as birth partners but selfishly was very relieved when my sisters both chose other birth partners. Would HATE to see anyone else go through all that so can sympathise to some extent with your dh.

But I do think Toothache has a point - your baby is more important than his sex life, frankly. And I bet everyone else is right and either he won't see anything he doesn't want to, or he will choose to look and surprise himself by being absolutely fine about it.

Dh was adamant he wasn't cutting the cord but in the event he was really enthusiastic and vey glad he'd done it. I'm 100 per cent sure in the event he'll be absolutely fine - attitudes were very different in your parent's day.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/09/2005 15:06

dp was at the birth of dd2 (he missed dd1 as he went home for a nap on my mothers instructions).

He actually looked down at the business end whilst all the action was happening, and said he'd do so again!!! He loves the fact he saw dd2 being born and it hasn't put him off.

Having said that, my cousin fainted and I think from what his wife says it did effect their relationship pretty badly for a while.

If you dh doesn't want to look down that end, he can concentrate on holding youre hand and trying to help you concentrate. It's not the end of the world if he decides to leave right at the end bit and your mum stays in the room with you instead either.

morningpaper · 30/09/2005 15:08

I would leave it open - if you are happy choosing another birth partner, then there is no reason he HAS to be there.

Personally I think there's a lot to be said for the good old days when the men were kept well out of it...

ediemay · 30/09/2005 15:11

Good luck with having the baby. I think you'll find, when it comes to it, you won't care if you're giving birth in Selfridge's window as long as you have a window. Let him make up his mind nearer the time and don't let it worry you. My DP was good - calm and distracting but it wouldn't bother me at all to go through it again without him.

ediemay · 30/09/2005 15:11

sorry meant MIDWIFE not window!!

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