Gutted I couldn't push

[dappymoo]

It has taken me weeks to realise but I think that's why I'm still so upset about my LO's birth. It's been over two months and I still feel almost ashamed whenever people refer to labour/ women in labour are on tv etc. It's like I didn't work hard enough or something. For some reason I missed the cues (mw also said I wasn't ready to push but now I think I was...) and by the time I was given the go ahead I had lost the sensation and my attempts were ineffective. I am so gutted, I know it's stupid as I have an amazing healthy LO, but I saw the pushing part as the most important, productive thing I could do and totally failed. And I will never get the chance to do that again. I am trying so hard to get over it but things keep popping up and slapping me in the face. I almost feel like I don't deserve my baby. I know that sounds utterly ridiculous, but I just can't help feeling it... Well, it's out there. I think that's what's eating me.

OP, hope a birth trauma talk will help you. I never got the chance, because both times I was told not to push, and ended up with CS's. But that did not bother me. Hope you will get acceptance. No need to feel bad.

Your story is nearly exactly the same as my first birth. I had a very fast labour and was convinced that I need to push in the car on the way to the hospital and told the midwife this as soon as I got to the hospital. She looked at me and said their is no way you are that far along you are not in anywhere near enough pain you look about 3-4cm to me she did not check me but gave me 2 paracetamols and told me that if I did push i would suceed in tearing myself. I like you held off pushing for about an hour. When she did finally check me surprise surprise I was fully dialated and by this time had no urge to push and need forceps to get him out! I'm afraid to say that I didn't blame myself but the bloody stupid mw for not checking me. Just to let you know that second time round my pushing urge was so good that I had him on the bathroom floor before I had time to even get to hospital.
If I was you I would go for a debrief (I wish I had know about this the first time round I definitely would have had one)

Is it weird that this is making me want to have another baby?!

Noooo do it! (Maybe wait another few months though).

In both my labours I have been caught out by the "needing to do a poo" thing, just thought "oh no I'm in labour and now I need the loo, how embarrassing". The first time my fantastic MW made sure I knew what to do ("stop doing your ladylike pushes") and the second time I remembered just in the nick of time! I have since been telling pg friends that when people say it is like doing a poo they don't mean similar, they don't mean it uses some of the same muscles or is similar in nature, you really are doing a big poo, but what comes out is your baby. It is so easy to misinterpret the signals and be afraid to push, especially if it sounds like you didn't have an overwhelming natural urge to push.
They ought to tell you in antenatal classes!

They should, I will totally be telling any pregnant friends of mine...!! (they might think I'm odd though)

I would love to try again though, now I kind of know what to expect.

And how does it make any sense that your dilation is only checked every two hours? I must have dilated 5cm in two hours, which doesn't seem that ridiculous to me...
And obviously according to that article pip mentioned earlier, that magic 10 thing is debatable anyway.
I guess as much as I can argue that women should go with their instincts, when it comes to the crunch you might not have any...

OP I've read most of this thread and am really pleased it has helped you. Speaking as a daughter I've no idea how my Mum's labour was - and i have no interest - but she's a great mum. Speaking as a Mother - I have never understood why women want to experience the whole birth thing and opted for an ELCS with my DD and for my upcoming DC2. It never even crossed my mind that I was somehow letting her down - I just didn't see the need to experience pain and so didn't/won't (hopefully). I just don't accept that it makes you a better person or a more loved Mum. You sound fab and your LO is going to feel very loved.

Definitely go to a debrief that's what I did and that's how I found out that I had pushed her so far and she had turned (was back to back at the beginning) and that they only let me push for half an hour because my bp was sooo high.

I also now really want another baby because I am convinced it will be better next time! Hope it is....

dappymoo i was so pleased to read your message, when I had DC she got stuck and i had to have a spinal, ventouse and forceps. The doc was shouting at me (during ventouse and forceps) that I had to push properly. I couldn't feel a thing and ended up in tears because I just didn't know how to do it properly.
I still fear that DC's birth ended up with forceps because I wasn't up to it. She was fine. But am v worried that I will f* up again when DC2 born soon.
So it's good to read that I am not the only one who found it difficult.

Scarlett, I can't believe they shouted at you like that! I'm lucky I did at least feel like the millions of people(!) in the room were on my side..! Although yes there was lots of "PUSH! PUUUUUSSSSH!" going on... which is all very well but I remember saying "I can't feel anything!!" and I didn't even have an epidural! I just tried my hardest but didn't really get anywhere.

I have my debrief appointment booked now (in the new year) so we'll see how that goes. I am very nervous and apprehensive about it already, just because I don't want to make anything worse!

I am like you sunndy semi convinced that I could do better next time, but am also very conscious of it becoming too important and there is the risk of feeling even worse if things don't go to plan again. I think it would be better for me to try and come to terms with this birth and then if I have another try to accept that you just can't predict or control a birth, and the best possible outcome is that the baby is safe and well. I will always be jealous of mums who go through a birth just as they planned, but that's life, and some of those mums may be jealous of my sleep-thru-the-night, happy go lucky baby. :)

I think if I have another baby I will do NOTHING to prepare for the birth! Except relax and develop a thick skin and keep my mind open!

Sorry to ramble, I am loving this thread though, it is such a hard thing to talk about in RL.

And thanks Stangirl too, I know you're right. I think labour is overrated!!

labour definitely overrated

Dappy the anaethetist was lovely actually - lent over to my husband when doc shouting at me and whispered 'don't know why she's saying that...of course she can't feel anything' which DH told me after and made me feel a bit better....