Gutted I couldn't push

[dappymoo]

It has taken me weeks to realise but I think that's why I'm still so upset about my LO's birth. It's been over two months and I still feel almost ashamed whenever people refer to labour/ women in labour are on tv etc. It's like I didn't work hard enough or something. For some reason I missed the cues (mw also said I wasn't ready to push but now I think I was...) and by the time I was given the go ahead I had lost the sensation and my attempts were ineffective. I am so gutted, I know it's stupid as I have an amazing healthy LO, but I saw the pushing part as the most important, productive thing I could do and totally failed. And I will never get the chance to do that again. I am trying so hard to get over it but things keep popping up and slapping me in the face. I almost feel like I don't deserve my baby. I know that sounds utterly ridiculous, but I just can't help feeling it... Well, it's out there. I think that's what's eating me.

Dappymoo, I think I know how you feel. I did hypnobirthing classes and was so hopeful of a natural, straightforward birth. I ended up having to be induced because ds was small for dates and despite getting to fully dilated up on the ward (bit of a shock to the midwife), as soon as I was taken down to the labour ward they measured ds's heartbeat which was dropping after every contraction and told me that I had to go to theatre for a forceps delivery. I didnt get to push at all and do feel like I didn't do it properly but do you know what, on the day ds was born he had to go to scbu with low blood sugar and spent five days there. That really put things into perspective. Ok things didn't go the way I planned but ds was ok, he was healthy and at the end of the day no one does give out medals for giving birth the "right" way. I would like to think that I would have another baby and I would get the birth that I hoped for but if I don't, I don't. I am fifteen months on and it really isn't a big issue for me, just a slight regret. Give yourself time, it really is still very early days for you. X

You're right, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. :)
I'm going to get the debrief but try not to blame myself and try to accept and forgive myself. I want to have another baby so maybe if I do get the chance I will try not to set myself standards and accept that anything can happen and a healthy baby is all I need. ( I think when I said only chance I meant with this LO you know?)
And right now I am gazing at a perfect little being who I knew long before she had to come out! She is amazing and I am so proud of how beautifully she is already growing up! She is such a good girl with a wicked personality already.

And I can guarantee that never in her life will she say 'Oh my God Mum, I can't believe you didn't push me out with the sheer power of your fanjo muscles, my whole life is inadequate because of this'. She will probably be saying it about the fact that you wouldn't let her get her ears pierced or something.

There is nothing to forgive, you have disappointed noone but yourself. Honestly, noone else gives a monkeys how your baby came into the world but you. Enjoy your precious baby x

dappymoo - i soooo wish you could see in my head where I was a few weeks ago (and had been for several years). I felt soooo like you. And I sooo wish you could see where I am now after getting what I wanted (in your case pushing lo out). Do you know what - the time and effort you are spending on this are not worth it. If you pushed out a baby tomorrow it wouldn't really change that much. I think pip was sooo right - it is like picking away at a scab. Please don't think I am trivialising your sadness - I'm not. I just want to tell you that I wasted five years feeling sad and now I know it was just so unnecessary.

PMSL @ blushington.

Today it was because there were no Smarties in the sweetie tin. Haribo, Milky Way stars, Buttons by the bucket. But no Smarties. DS said 'I hate you, mummy'. I said 'Well, I love you - but there are still no Smarties'.

arizonagirl, I can't believe I've wasted 3yrs on punishing myself for something that wasn't my fault. All that guilt and shame for nothing.

I look at dd sometimes and see what a confident, funny, bright, affectionate person she is and I know that I did that. I made her who she is. And it's feck all to do with what happened on the day she was born. In every way that actually matters, I'm her mother. Dappymoo, that is true for you too.

Thanks cas, I can't imagine what that would have been like. The relief of knowing my daughter was ok was worth going through labour a million times over. And before I gave birth (still having trouble referring to myself as doing that...) if I ever read about women 'mourning' about the birth they wanted, I felt so angry, but now I get it! And yet I do get how pointless it is and in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter.

I studied hypnobirthing, was intent on a natural drug free home birth. I wonder if we put pressure on ourselves to have the perfect birth. I think it was arizona earlier was it who said to much emphasis is placed on things. I definitely had a picture in my mind of how my birth would be. I would be just like one of those empowered women on YouTube!! Maybe not...!! ;)

I got in trouble today because one of the pombears had a broken arm. As if I personally arranged it.

Her complaint? "You and the [fbear] have upset my feelings." She's doesn't give a flying rat's testicle about the day she was born.

They don't tell you this but it's luck. I did hypnobirthing, I laboured at home, I pushed for 6hrs. I had to transfer in to hospital and have an episiotomy, attempted ventouse, attempted manual rotation and emergency section. Not the drug free birth I envisaged. I thought it was something I could work towards, achieve, influence etc. Nah, you can nudge things that way but in the end it's luck. The baby hasn't read the books we have. DD wanted to come out ear first. Nobody told her that was impossible. Really, I blame her.

It's the gap between expectation and reality that you fall into.

No matter how pointless it may be that doesn't mean that it isn't important to work through it. It is an important thing in anyones life and I think by investing in hypnobirhing you invest even more emotionally in things being the way you plan them because you feel so empowered beforehand that it can be a shock and feel disempowering (if thats a word) when it doesn't happen that way.
Concentrate on your little one, thats what is important, the rest you will come to terms with over time, just try not to give it more importance than it deserves.
My son is 15 months old and is ill and vomited copiously on me three times today. To be able to rub his back encouragingly and say "thats it, you're ok sweetie" as he puked in my cleavage yet again is much more about being a mum than that few hours it took to get him out of my body x

Sorry am slow replying as typing on phone!
I feel sooooooo much better!!!! Thank each and every one of you gorgeous mums for this. I hear ya, I hear that to dwell would be a total waste. You are right right right right right.
Weight. Off. Shoulders.

Hahaha totally agree unpure - getting the foetus to agree to the birthing plan is not part of the hypnobirthing classes.

And I have a feeling the harder work is yet to come...?!
And thank you for not laughing at my poo.

I have a baby :)

Somewhere along the line we confused informing and empowering ourselves about what happens during childbirth with thinking we can actually control what happens in childbirth.

So we read books that tell us we must do X or Y or Z. We talk to friends who seem to boast about their births. We imagine our single, ideal scenario and plan for that (and that alone). We write birthplans which layout what we expect to happen (instead of plans that advise staff how we would like them to support and treat in the different situations that might crop up).

It is not surprising that the expectation and reality (as unpure says) is often separated by a huge gap.

It doesn't mean we are wrong to want certain things from our experience of birth. However, I don't think we get enough help in advance to mentally equip ourselves to deal with the full range of possibilities we might suddenly find ourselves thrown into. So we blame ourselves.

Phew - too long, and I'm going to bed now.
Hope you sleep well tonight dappy.

I will now!
Thanks so much pip.

Totally agree piprabbit - I think it is because it would scare the shit out of us beforehand if we knew how little control we would have over the end result. I think overall I'm probably glad that i thought beforehand it was going to be straightforward and didn't worry about it but accept that everyone is different.

Go for the de-briefing. My eldest turned 14 last month and I am still upset about all 3 of my "births" as I never managed to get them out at all, 3 emergency c-sections for me. I understand absolutely how you feel (although I'm dead impressed that you did manage to give birth properly, to me you made a huge success of it!) Don't make my mistake and dwell on it for ever. Deal with it now. And I'm sure the next one will be completely different.

I had forceps and felt the same as you, you know that if you don't push they can't get the baby out with just forceps? You did really well! It is such a hard thing for lots of people, it's only a small minority whose baby flies out after a teeny push xx

Thanks jynxed and sunndy, really? So the pushing must have done SOMETHING!?

Dappy - I haven't got time to read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating whats already been said. I had a similar experience in that dd1 became distressed, luckily I was fully dilated but they couldn't wait for me to push her out and literally yanked her out with a ventouse. Thankfully she was fine, she had a double cord round her neck and needed a little help at first but the medical team made the right call in getting her out. I still felt like a failure, despite labouring for 14 hours and coping on g&a (I know this doesn't make a difference, I'm not against pain relief but I'm proud of this achievement).

Over time I came to accept it, I even felt like I'd missed out on something, but it wasn't truly resolved until I pushed dd2 out on my own 6 months ago. I think it was finally putting to bed the feelings of doubt, yes I can push a baby out. I felt bloody brilliant after that labour. :)

dappymoo, I have similar feelings (did I fail? Did I not try hard enough?). My ds was born in the theatre with forceps after a 30 hour labour - not the home water birth I'd planned!

I'd had an epidural so when they first started telling me to push I couldn't even feel the contractions, I had to put one hand on my bump to feel when it tightened! Eventually I started feeling an urge to push and they let me push for 2 hours before taking me to the theatre for a last ditch attempt with forceps before a c-section. For the forceps they cranked the epi up so I literally felt nothing - I couldn't feel anything from the chest down so just had to try to push on command, I didn't feel my ds being born at all so in a way I don't feel like I really gave birth to him.

As sunndy says though, they can't grab the baby with the forceps unless you've managed to get them quite far down anyway, so we both must have achieved something with our pushing! My ds was a big baby (for me anyway, I'm quite small) and had his head at an awkward angle.

Pushing over rated. I pushed with DC1 but was 7 cm, so fat lot of use that was.

All contractions and push urge went when the time came with DC2, totally surreal being told to push when you think you have no urge.
Everyone shouting "Go on, push!" What do you think I'm doing - meditating?!

Ventouse here, and the head was sticking out and Istill couldn't get it out. After a CS I class it as a "normal" delivery.

Look at the size of your baby's head, then think of the size of the gap it came through. Then feel proud.

Congratulations.

dappy you did really well and haven't failed at anything. i had dc1 10 weeks ago and when it came to the pushing stage i was so confused and scared that i didn't have the slightest idea what the hell was going on nor what i was supposed to be doing. i only knew when i was contracting cos i could see the trace change on the monitor. had to be told when and how to push.