Ex still wants to be at birth having just left me

[Yika]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend has just left me for someone else after a very troubled month/six weeks. I feel pretty devastated even though we (a) haven't been together that long - baby is due about a year after we first met (b) it's always been difficult due to clashing issues (needy - him - vs commitmentphobe - me) and lifestyle choices.

He still wants to be at the birth of our baby, but I am afraid it will stir up all the anguish and heartbreak I am going through now.

On the other hand, I'm very happy he still cares about the baby enough to want to be there, since he never actually wanted another child (he has 3 already) and I was afraid at one point that if we split up he would have no contact with her.

I do want him to be the first person to see her. I'm in a bit of a quandary. Thinking of going through the birth alone, calling him when I get to the hospital so that he knows baby is on her way, but not actually having him present in the room.

Anyone been in a similar situation and could share their experience?

PS have not told family - only a few close friends know - wouldn't want family there anyway even though we are close.

I don't know - do you think he'll be supportive? If he'll make you anxious and upset that won't help the birth and you need to tell him that. Your safety and comfort is paramount, his feelings are far less important, especially as he has left you for someone else. Tell him how you honestly feel and that now he's gone it's ultimately your decision who is at the birth. I think it's great that you do want him to be involved and he's a lucky man. Good luck with your decision and the birth!

How about having a doula support you through the birth and then have him there afterwards? You need someone there for you in labour, not added stress, which could actually hinder the birth (tell him that if he pushes it).

I think he would be supportive - trouble is, I still love him and want to be with him and don't know if I could cope in such a vulnerable situation knowing that he was just taking a brief time out from his new girlfriend to be there - I think I'd be somehow pathetically hoping he would see the baby and come back to me.

I don't know about a doula - not sure that such a thing exists where I live (on the continent). I ssuppose I should find out what people do when they give birth without a partner here. Couldn't face thinking about it till now. Too depressing!

Where do you live, which country? Doula's for example are very common in the Netherland's.

You need someone for you. Is it your home country?

I think your instinct - to have him at the hospital, but not in the room - seems a good one. He can come in and see your baby as early as you wish, but during labour, his presence in the room may serve only to stress you, and this can make your labour much more difficult - stress hormones being known to act in opposition to labour hormones.

I would also second the suggestion to look for a doula, or someone who can be there for you during your labour. I know several people who have given birth with a friend/relative/doula as their birth partner, so it is certainly not uncommon in the UK.

MT - I live in Belgium, where you might think that things would be similar to the Netherlands but childbirth traditions are quite different eg. 30 percent home birth in NL versus 1 percent in Belgium. Obviously though that doesn't necessarily mean that doulas don't exist here; I will look into it. I'm certainly sure you can take someone. I have a friend who has volunteered to keep me company at home/drive me to the hospital once I go into labour, but I don't think i would want a friend or family member there for the later stages of labour or the birth itself.

I think my main concern is to find an arrangement which doesn't compound the loneliness/disappointment/feelings of failure that I'm currently grappling with, and to avoid getting caught up in feelings of hope/unrealistic expectations/desperation vis-a-vis my ex.

MC - yes so far it seems the most reasonable arrangement, to have him around but not in the room - as long as I don't weaken and call for him!! .

Do you think your friend would be ok to stay if asked? You could always talk it over, with the caveat that you're not sure yet how you'll feel on the day.

The key thing may be to have the option of having someone there. You may arrive at the hospital, be met by a fantastic midwife and think "hey, I can do this on my own". Or you may think "I'd like my friend to stay just till I'm settled/feel ready for her to go". That way you can play it as you feel on the day, but knowing you have the option may for now settle your mind a little, while you arrange a doula?

Depending on where you are, I could come and be your birth partner. I am in Antwerp.

I've looked up some doula's in Belgium for you - they come recommended by doula colleagues.

www.douladolfijn.be/
www.doulaesther.nl/

Kreecher - that's extremely kind! Many thanks. But perhaps I'll look into the doulas (thanks Rebecca) as a first option. I'm in Brussels.

Yika, if neither of those are near enough I can probably dig up some more contacts. It sounds like a doula (not that I'm biased as I am one!) would be a great help. x

Thanks Rebecca - they are all in Flanders but I've just done a quick web search for French ones (unfortunately I only speak French!).

I'm thinking it over and will talk to my 'kine' (essentially a physiotherapist though they also give antenatal exercise classes) as I think she will also be at the birth, to see what kind of options I have.

MamaChris, yes, my friend has said she would accompany me through the whole ordeal if I would like her to - bless her - though I think I would feel inhibited.

Perhaps in the end I won't feel so raw about my ex and could even have him there... but somehow I just don't think it's a good idea. I'm thinking that I'll let him know when I arrive at the hospital so he can be ready to come quickly once the baby arrives (he has about an hour's drive) and perhaps see her still in the delivery room (not quite sure how it all works at the hospital, will ask doc when I next see him).

Phew, it would be a bit of a drive for me, we are close to Antwerp. Good luck with the birth and the other issue.

Hi Yika,

I'm in Belgium too. I am with independent midwives based in Brussels who could do a home birth or could alternatively (and this is the plan in my case) accompany you through early labour at home and then accompany you to hospital and deliver the baby there. They work with the Clinique St Jean and the St Elisabeth in Brussels. I am really happy with them. They are Flemish, but their website is also in English and French and I reckon they speak all three. I speak Flemish, so I haven't explored it with them, but you know the Flemish and languages :). their website:
www.zwangerinbrussel.be

Others I know of are:
www.maisondelanaissance.be

www.aruna.be

www.bollebuik.com

I hope things work out for you! It sounds like a sad situation Hope you have some friends and support here to get you through this.

Hi there SSW, thanks a lot, have looked at the links and they are all very interesting. I'm actually feeling so much better about the man situation today, having got over the initial shock, that I think I might be OK on my own, if I have friends to take me to the hospital and just get me into the labour room. I talked to my kine today and she said she would come in earlier in labour if I needed her. (I'm booked into Edith Cavell by the way; I think they have a rather traditional medical approach.) Then maybe I'll just let my ex know that I'm there, and he can come and wait around for a few hours till the baby is actually born. I still feel a little bit torn about how to deal with him. It's very important to me that he should have a good bond with the baby and I don't want to do anything that would compromise that. On the other hand, I do kind of feel that his wanting to be there is all about him, and not really about supporting me.

In any case I'm going to keep reading up via all the links you've sent me and keep thinking about my options as I'm up one minute and down the next.

Really appreciate all your support! And really looking forward to my baby.

Glad you are feeling a lot better about your situation. You sound like a really strong woman and your baby will be lucky to have you as a Mum. Good luck with everything and keep us posted!

Hi again Yika,

Sounds like you are slowly getting your mind around what seems to be a horribly difficult situation. I have heard very good things about Edith Cavell by the way and know lots of people who have given birth there and who were vey happy. Having your kiné come along sounds like a good solution to me. I haven't done any kiné yet (am 30 weeks and will be doing some as part of my ante-natal course) but I get the impression that she would be able to offer just the kind of support you need.

It's a tough call in relation to your ex - but essentially having him on call/nearby until such a time as the baby is born and you feel ready to see him does sound like a good approach. It will to some degree be up to him to be flexible and organise himself to get there at a good time, once you have agreed on it - you don't necessarily have to take that on or worry about it.

Hope you also get to talk to family soon - friends are great, but you could do with a bit of extra support from family, especially if you are close.

If there's anything I can advise about as regards Brussels and so on (the joys of Belgian adminstration perhaps?!), just let me know! I've been here quite a long time now and would be happy to help out any way I can.

Hi there,

Thanks for the offer of advice and help! Yes, I'm confident that I'll get good care at Cavell.
But I?ve talked about it with my ex and doesn't agree with my plan... he insists on being there throughout labour. But he's not there for me now, so why should he be there then? That's my dilemma. I think it would be very painful for me... yet I can't seem to discuss it with him (he can be pretty intransigent). I know the baby is important to him, and i'm glad about that, but he doesn't seem to acknowledge my feelings at all. I'm afraid that if I don't acquiesce, I won't be able to count on him being there at all - but not knowing whether or when he would turn up would be equally if not more stressful. I've half a mind just to go it alone and tell him afterwards, but then that doesn't feel right either. I don't want to do anything that would undermine his bond with the baby - but feel that I need to take care of myself too. I feel stuck but need a plan with only 2 weeks to go!!

Hi vika, what an awefull situation. Imo it is really bad of your ex to insist on being there. I know you want him to have a good bond with the baby but as you rightly say you need to look after yourself, your labour and your bond with your dd. The anxiety of him being there could slow down labour (see ina may gaskin for more info re this). There is no room for an audience during labour and he seems incapable of offering you support generally let alone during childbirth. Indeed he seems to have little regard for your well being and instead is manipulating you at a vulnerable time to get his own way.

If his relationship with his dd will stand or fall based on whether he can bully his way into the delivery suite you might want to think about how this attitude will play out throughout your dds life. I'm sorry, i hope you don't take offence, this is obv just my opinion. But to me it seems your daughter has a wonderful strong considerant mother and won't need to rely on this coweredly bully.

MoonFaceMama - this is exactly how I feel about it (little regard for my wellbeing, manipulative, bully). It seems to be all about him. Good to hear it from someone else. He is some other terrible stuff going on his life which is causing him major stress/depression but still it doesn't really excuse it in my view.

He also has/had a tendency, when I'm stressed, to tell me off, like it's my fault... might gouge his eye out with a scalpel if he were to do this at the hospital.

My son's father wasn't at my son's birth, I had 2 very good friends there. He was never supportive, more of a hinderance to be honest. It's a stressful time, if you don't want him there then it's down to you. It's more helpful for you to have people around who will support you.

I hope it all goes well and easy for you.

No. Do whatever you need to do for a peaceful birth and forget his feelings. if he has a fit of pique over it he is an idiot. tell him your peace of mind is necessary for the birth and he should put the baby ahead of his own needs.

Yika, ds's dad is not my partner and desperately wanted to be at the birth. He tried a lot of manipulation in advance, but I stood my ground and said we would call him when I went into labour, so he could be nearby, then call near the end or when the baby was born depending on how I was doing. I explained (repeatedly) that for me to labour well required privacy. That all the stories he'd heard about not caring who saw what once you were in labour probably wouldn't be true for me. And that if my labour was slowed down by worrying about him, it could result in our ds becoming distressed during the birth, which would be bad for his health.

In the end he was called the moment ds was born, and got there about 10 minutes later. The first few weeks of shared parenting were very tough, partly because he resented not being at the birth. But 2.5 years on, he and ds have a very strong bond (and have had since day 1).

Labour is your time, it's not about him. For your sake, for the sake of your baby, you need to labour in the best environment for you. And he either has to accept that or not. I hope my example will show that a father doesn't need to see a child being born to love it. In my parents' generation, I think it was rare for a father to be at the birth (mine was playing squash!)

Tell him parenting is about putting his child before himself, and this is his first chance to do so. Then do what you need to have a good birth. Good luck.

Hi again Yika,
This does sound hard. Can you thrash out with him why exactly he wants to be there during labour? The baby will not have arrived yet after all and most dads are there in order to support their partner through it. Clearly you would be better off and happier without him there, so if it's not for you, who is it for? Can you tell him clearly that you are unhappy and have unresolved feelings about the end of the relationship and that you can't be dealing with that extra stress during labour.

It is a privilege to be the first visitor the baby will have and I can't really see why that's not enough.

Maybe you need to get tough. If he can't be content with coming as soon as the baby has arrived then finally that is his issue not yours.Your grounds for suggesting it are entirely reasonable. Not turning up at all would be a stupid way of punishing the baby and himself primarily (so don't allow him to manipulate you with that threat).

Hope things become clearer for you in the coming days...

chances are you're going to feel very vunerable at times during your labour - you need someone there that you trust and who you feel comfortable with, I second what MamaChris says, it is your time and you must do what is right for you. He says he wants to be there "for you" I think he means "for himself". Doesn't sound like you want him there.