Ex still wants to be at birth having just left me

[Yika]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend has just left me for someone else after a very troubled month/six weeks. I feel pretty devastated even though we (a) haven't been together that long - baby is due about a year after we first met (b) it's always been difficult due to clashing issues (needy - him - vs commitmentphobe - me) and lifestyle choices.

He still wants to be at the birth of our baby, but I am afraid it will stir up all the anguish and heartbreak I am going through now.

On the other hand, I'm very happy he still cares about the baby enough to want to be there, since he never actually wanted another child (he has 3 already) and I was afraid at one point that if we split up he would have no contact with her.

I do want him to be the first person to see her. I'm in a bit of a quandary. Thinking of going through the birth alone, calling him when I get to the hospital so that he knows baby is on her way, but not actually having him present in the room.

Anyone been in a similar situation and could share their experience?

PS have not told family - only a few close friends know - wouldn't want family there anyway even though we are close.

Go with your instinct. You can always call him in if you change your mind.

Sounds like this guy isn't remotely interested in being there to support you. He just wants to be there and watch. That is not on and is bloody selfish. He doesn't sound pleasant at all to me. :(

I would be tempted to get on with it and let him know afterwards - you have tried a compromise and he has refused. That's his problem not yours. He chose to leave you for someone else while you were pregnant, he has no right to expect you to be comfortable having him there at such an intimate and vulnerable moment.

What is his relationship with his other kids like vika? I don't want to sound scaremonger-y but if you are anxious during labour it could lead to complications which could possibly in turn lead to pnd or bonding issues (i know i'm repeating other posts here, but worth making clear i think). As you will be your daughters main carer (i presume) it is most important that you and her bond well. It may sound a heartless thing to say but maybe you need to paint yourself a picture of your future with your dd where your ex is not involved. If he can be in your lives in a positive capacity that is fantastic. But if there comes a point where he is being this manipulative, selfish and bullying in front of your dd (let alone to her) you will need to cut him out for both of your sakes. i'm sorry but i had to say it. You are able to spot this awefull behaviour for what it is. Your dd won't be able to. He sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh. Sorry.

I can only begin to imagine how difficult this all is for you. My best friend lost her partner while pg with her ds so i have seen strong, brilliant, hurting women cope fantastically with labour, birth, and baby raising and believe you can do it too.

It is your decision, he does not have the right to "insist" upon being there, you have the right to choose who you want with you surely. If you feel in the slightest bit uncomfortable about him watching you at such a personal and vulnerable time, then say no.

I absolutely agree with Moonfacemama.

Your midwife will support you and they will not allow anyone in who you don't want.

This has to be about you and not him.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You and your baby are all that matters at the moment.

Thanks a lot for all the great advice and encouragement, and for sharing stories about similar situations - it's really very heartening to know I'm not alone. I'm still mulling it over but this is helping me get to a point where I'll be able to decide from a position of strength. I don't want to spite him in any way but I do want to make a decision that's right for me, which currently is looking like doing it without him.

MoonFaceMama - in answer to your question he has an OK relationship with his older children who he had very young (barely 20 when the first arrived - though he was already married). I find him rather strict but takes his responsibility very seriously - in fact he got custody of them after getting divorced. Very bitter relationship with the ex wife though.