Mute and distressed son 16yo

[melanchoIia]

My son can’t speak. Hes distressed by it but just can’t talk freely. He’s been silent for about three years and I think the trigger of that was a combination of toxic friendships at school and being groomed in a chat room at 13. I wasn’t aware of the latter until last week.

since he was 13, he’s been in his room and has ignored us all to the point that it’s really damaging for my younger son. I’ve tried numerous times to sit with him quietly, to talk to him about his feelings and to explain that we love him etc.

I was completely relieved when he finally started to open up to us so after he admitted to me that he is severely depressed and lonely, I got him into counselling. He is doing EMDR for the chat room stuff and normal counselling to ease his transition to college in a few weeks.

he’s also been working in a charity shop for a few weeks because I thought it would be a good low pressure environment for him to just be with other people but he’s actually doing stuff alone in the stockroom… but this is a start and it’s fine.

but he can’t speak and I don’t know how to help him…. I did even start to wonder if singing lessons would help so he can start using his voice -
something like that or a sort of therapy where he can start to let it out. I’ve told him no more “I don’t care” “I don’t mind” I want him to be able to make decisions and voice his opinions even if it’s what we have for dinner. That bit is working well. I’ve also said that his social skills have probably completely seized up and he needs to give himself time to start communicating again.

I have seen his WhatsApp messages and his poor communication is not just limited to verbal - lots of really childish interactions and “Hi” “Hi” to his friends then block capitals and aggression when they don’t response. Which they don’t do any more because he has nothing to say.

He can speak freely to counsellor and psychologist, he can speak to teachers. But he cries and cries and says he just can’t speak. Has anybody got any advice?

I think he is autistic, however he has always refused to be assessed for that which I respect.

He is able to function at work and talks as needed as that’s his role. He is able to talk on academic subjects etc or have a debate with teachers etc because again that’s a defined context.

However, he is unable to converse either at home or socially. He cannot speak freely and is distressed by this even amongst his own friends.

Can you get to the bottom of why he refused assessment - and most notably why you went along with that? A good psychologist, which he needs anyway, would be able to diagnose without being overt and obtrusive.

Join the SMiRA Facebook page. There are over 25k members and they will have lots of advice for you I am sure.

Op, it’s not nitpicking

You say he’s been silent and bedroom bound for three years

you then say he talks freely to teachers and counsellors and he presumably leaves his bedroom to volunteer.

I asked whether he saw friends? Whether he went on holiday and you said you wouldn’t stand for him not doing it? So ask what he is like on holiday seems reasonable?

You say he loves being with his family, then you say that he spends most of his time in his bedroom, tries to sneak away from the family

and when you say “very damaging” to your younger son, surely a reasonable question is “how?”? Is it that his life is being limited or that your older son is bullying him.

If you say he talks freely to his teachers and counsellors!! He can speak freely to counsellor and psychologist, he can speak to teachers

can you see why it’s a bit confusing

Doing EMDR is demanding I would wait u til he has complete that the therapist may do other work outside the main EMDR protocol. Part of trauma work is also reclaiming/rebuilding. If he was groomed he may feel a deep sense of shame and his trauma behaviour is severe withdrawal including mutism.

It is not recommended to do more than one type of psychotherapy at a time. Slow down and do one thing at a time

You have done amazing to get him to EMDR, and a job role. Just keep providing that stability and gentle encouragement until he is ready to do further therapy. Any therapy depends on engagement and timing to optimise the outcome. You are being a great parent.

This. Speech therapy in combo with the EMDR should help him.

Thank you. The psychologist was two sessions to assess him so that I can start the other therapies so that’s all. The counselling is starting in a couple of weeks. I know this will be a long journey but I couldn’t do anything until he let me in which was only a month ago. He’s engaged and ready to go.

Why op went along with it? How about because you can't drag or force an older child for assessment and no decent professional would want to be involved in assessing someone who'd said no?

For those saying it's confusing educate yourself on selective mutism, especially low profile sm. it's not at all confusing for those who know how sm works.

no the Op is confusing

He hasn’t been silent for 3 years
He hasn’t been in his bedroom for 3 years

He has spoken to counsellor, psychiatrists and teachers
He has been on family holidays
he is working on a charity shop
He is planning on going to sixth form

The problem seems to be squarely at home. Is that SM or is that a sign than something is going on at home that means he does not to engage with his family. The younger brother is apparently being very damaged and there is no mention of another parent

no the Op is confusing

He hasn’t been silent for 3 years
He hasn’t been in his bedroom for 3 years

He has spoken to counsellor, psychiatrists and teachers
He has been on family holidays
he is working on a charity shop
He is planning on going to sixth form

The problem seems to be squarely at home. Is that SM or is that a sign than something is going on at home that means he does not to engage with his family. The younger brother is apparently being very damaged and there is no mention of another parent

Are you sure he hasn’t been assaulted in some way?

That’s what I’m thinking
the online grooming was almost mentioned in an off hand way but that is incredibly serious and presumably involved the police

I only found out about the grooming two weeks ago - he is in emdr for that. For obvious reasons I am not going to be going into detail especially with strangers online.

he hasn’t been assaulted, I’ve asked

I am literally trying to decipher his mutism here - the other issues are being dealt with. Nothing offhand about it.

My husband and other son are quite confident and opinionated, not on a brash way but in a way that could be seen as being too much if you’re quite sensitive. Like it’s all humour based high jinks, good natured stuff. We’re nice people.

I don’t think this would ordinarily matter like we’re not obnoxious and my husband in particular is very mild mannered to the point that he is a completely useless parent in terms of discipline - partly this is why it’s gone on so long as he refuses to have difficult conversations.

I realise that this sounds very contradictory

Op how come it’s very damaging for your younger son? In tenseness that his brother does t engage with him or that his life is being limited by his brother’s selective mutism?

OP… he comes on family holidays and stays in this bedroom then?

Is he not talking at all in his volunteer role? He’s talking freely to teachers?
He is hoping to start sixth form in 3 weeks? He will be having to leave his bedroom every day for most of the day.

My younger son is outgoing and friendly, he feels like he’s lost his best friend. I’ve had to be his sibling. He says he feels like an only child and rejected by his brother. He has been ignored for three years. But he’s not ready for counselling, claims he doesn’t need it yet. He’s sensitive although outgoing and has taken it very much to heart.

I think family therapy would be helpful.

There seems to be a lot going on