Mute and distressed son 16yo

[melanchoIia]

My son can’t speak. Hes distressed by it but just can’t talk freely. He’s been silent for about three years and I think the trigger of that was a combination of toxic friendships at school and being groomed in a chat room at 13. I wasn’t aware of the latter until last week.

since he was 13, he’s been in his room and has ignored us all to the point that it’s really damaging for my younger son. I’ve tried numerous times to sit with him quietly, to talk to him about his feelings and to explain that we love him etc.

I was completely relieved when he finally started to open up to us so after he admitted to me that he is severely depressed and lonely, I got him into counselling. He is doing EMDR for the chat room stuff and normal counselling to ease his transition to college in a few weeks.

he’s also been working in a charity shop for a few weeks because I thought it would be a good low pressure environment for him to just be with other people but he’s actually doing stuff alone in the stockroom… but this is a start and it’s fine.

but he can’t speak and I don’t know how to help him…. I did even start to wonder if singing lessons would help so he can start using his voice -
something like that or a sort of therapy where he can start to let it out. I’ve told him no more “I don’t care” “I don’t mind” I want him to be able to make decisions and voice his opinions even if it’s what we have for dinner. That bit is working well. I’ve also said that his social skills have probably completely seized up and he needs to give himself time to start communicating again.

I have seen his WhatsApp messages and his poor communication is not just limited to verbal - lots of really childish interactions and “Hi” “Hi” to his friends then block capitals and aggression when they don’t response. Which they don’t do any more because he has nothing to say.

He can speak freely to counsellor and psychologist, he can speak to teachers. But he cries and cries and says he just can’t speak. Has anybody got any advice?

He needs speech therapy for selective mutism. There's a directory of speech therapists - going privately is your best bet at this stage since services pretty much stop at age 18 and waiting lists are long. Good luck.

Did he do his GCSEs?

Thanks, I have emailed a SALT now so waiting to hear back

yes he did his GCSEs, he is extremely bright and has worked hard. No pressure from us - just hope he’s happy with whatever he’s been given

He eats alone?
doesn’t join you for holidays?

No we wouldn’t stand for that, those things are non negotiable anyway he loves being around us. The few times he’s tried to sneak upstairs with food I’ve stopped him

but he stares gloomily onto his plate, he doesn’t speak to us. It’s incredibly hard to get him so say nothing.

So he joins you for family dinners and holidays? How does he behave on holiday?

he loves being around us

I am confused?

It’s not confusing. He can’t communicate with us. He loves sitting in the same room for example and will hug us etc but can’t speak freely. He’s distressed by it. He loves us and feels loved - that part is not a problem. But he ignores us. Or so it feels.

It is very confusing
he loves being with you but spends most of his time in his room for past 3 years and ignores you.

What happens when you go away on holiday? Do you ever go out for dinner? This must be very limited for your younger son?

Have you ever taken him to the GP about this? It is screaming huge neurodivergence and probably quite a complex profile. Does he have an EHCP?

and being groomed in a chat room at 13. I w

what did this involve?

when you say this is very damaging to your younger son, what do you mean? Very limiting?

I’m out of my depth here but could you get him down with you more? With family food or board games? Do you have relatives who could be around the house so he’s around people? Could you oversee a text to one or two of his old friends where he says how are you getting on, I’m struggling here but working in the charity shop or whatever?

Surely there must be some huge backstory of intervention here? What does school say?

By the look of it, he hasn’t been silent for the past 3 years at all

I was completely relieved when he finally started to open up to us so after he admitted to me that he is severely depressed and lonely, I got him into counselling. He is doing EMDR for the chat room stuff and normal counselling to ease his transition to college in a few weeks.

and he volunteers in a charity shop.

Definitely selective mutism (although the preferred, but not official name, is situational mutism now).

If you use a SaLT you need to ensure they're experienced with sm, many aren't.

Look at the SMIRA website. They also have a Facebook group.

libby hill from small talk speech and language therapy often posts on fb about sm

Dont pressure him to speak (not saying you do, I don't know). SMIRA have good guides on their website

Does he have anything he's really interested in/passionate about? That can be a good way of connecting, either with you or others if there's any social groups etc he can go to. Sitting side by side can be more helpful.

Does he ever see his friends in person or just via messaging?

You do know communication doesn't have to be via one's voice?

You said ‘No more “I don’t care”…’ - so he does speak those words to you? Or does he communicate in an other way to you? It is a bit unclear - does he physically talk to you, his counsellor etc? How does he communicate to you that he is depressed and lonely, that he was groomed?

Read the op and follow your posts… he does talk and has been talking. Clearly.

This happened to my eldest, although not for so long. Severe autistic burnout. Could communicate by text, still went to school, but just couldn’t speak. It’s almost like a regression caused by trauma/ burnout. Thankfully it only lasted a month or so, and most weekends prior to that. Hopefully the counselling and therapy will help.

He can speak freely to counsellor and psychologist, he can speak to teachers.

so is that he just doesn’t talk to his family?

Follow your own advice. Op says he's been silent with them for 3 years but has been able to speak to others. That's how sm works.

So… he feels comfortable with outsiders and talking outside of the family home. But has isolated himself in his bedroom for 3 years. But also talks to teachers and is now volunteering?

So the issue is SM with his family and at home. Not with the outside world.

So the laser focus should be home life and what’s going on there.

the Op skates over the grooming issue and the fact the sibling is being “very damaged” by this, and makes no reference to the other parent if there is one

Not sure about the tone of some of the responses here.

I'm a lecturer and have had a few students with selective mutism to varying degrees. All of them were autistic. Is this something you have considered in your child?

To offer some hope ( and not minimising the struggles your child has because clearly there's a lot to unpack) ... One student really struggled. He couldn't do eye contact at all. Would stare at the ground. After building trust with me and his other tutors and him having a brilliant one to one support, he started to talk now and then with us. He even did a presentation in his final year. It was like an absolute gift when he chose to use his voice with us. He graduated with a first if I remember correctly. I found the other students were very kind and inclusive with him. Nobody pressured him to speak. We just worked around him and never left him out of anything.

You say he's going to college. Will he have a support worker? Does he have ehcp? College need to be prepared. With all of our students with autism, we've done a one to one visit before other students arrive and sorted out adjustments and offered reassurance.

Mutism is an anxiety thing as far as I know. What worked for my students is one to one support, inclusion and no pressure to speak from us.

Good luck. It's so sad to hear he's so distressed.

Thanks for the constructive posts. I have contacted a SALT today - I actually didn’t think they worked with older children.

However I am disappointed about some of the endless nitpicking on here over my phrasing. It’s very clear that some of you have zero idea about the type of communication issues we are working through. Communication is multi-faceted and there is an huge difference between discussing something which has a firm purpose ie discussing an essay with a teacher or talking in a more unstructured casual mode which is more difficult for many people. That’s again different to talking within the family home where various other emotional aspects come into focus; for example if a sibling tends to dominate the conversation.

However I am not going to bother to explain myself further.