Dd 10 refusing school

[Sheldonsheher]

Should I involve the school my DD 10 is refusing to go to school,
crying and saying she hates it.
every day is a battle. I know she is staying up too late in her room. I can hear her moving around in the night. She also also started eating lots of sweets in her room. I had a no food upstairs policy and I’m not controlling but it seems like it’s gone a bit far. Also saying she hates school.
also drawings very dark drawings, not brushing hair. She has friends and seems quite well liked
and not being bullied. She is quite able and the school is in my opinion not very interesting for her and her teacher is not the best fit personality wise. Every morning it’s a battle of crying angry bad moods and saying she doesn’t want to go. We end up having massive arguments and this is not great. My son is ASD and I don’t want also him to be set back in his going to school expectations. In any case should I involve the school. I’m a single parent been through family court so I don’t want to introduce authorities or services. But I don’t really want to carry on this way and I can’t seem to help my DD who is angry and anxious all the time during term time.

Yes speak to the school.

Is she Y6 or 5?

What does she say she hates? Is it that she’s in Y6 and it’s become tedious SATs prep and nothing else?

This. My ds was capable and HATED year 6. He was bored stupid, they went over stuff he already knew, and covered nothing new.

I managed to keep him going by creating a home project on his favourite subject, taking him out every weekend to add to his knowledge, providing him with a lot of extra materials and tasks, and reading books he was actually interested in.

Even then, he was angry and mutinous by the end of year 6. It's a rotten year for above average children and puts so many DCs off school.

Thanks she is year 6 but il not sure it’s all about being bored. I’m thinking it’s about anxiety and staying up too late. Maybe hormones as well. I don’t really want to put it on record tbh in case of any future family court involvement I mean what is the school going to do. I mean she is going eventually after me forcing her which does not make me feel great. I might have to change jobs and I’m worried about getting a job I can’t comply with if she is not able to go to school reliably,

She is saying she hates sitting there and what’s the point of school. Why should she have to do it. It’s boring and she doesn’t see why she should go to school.

It could well be thé work is far too easy for her. Also, have you considered whether she is autistic too?

"Because I'm your mother and I said you're going, now put your shoes on."

And stop buying sweets.

A focus on transition to secondary might help. Do you have an idea of where she'll go?

If she is bright, does she have plenty of intellectual stimulation outside of school? Plenty of books and games, engrossing hobbies, museum visits etc?

There's obviously a higher chance than average she's autistic too especially as girls are often better at masking.

Also is she possibly being bullied at school? Has she mentioned any issues with friends?

Don’t let her believe it’s a choice. Kids get ideas from each other about not going just cos they don’t want to, well that isn’t life. Yes listen to her worries, validate and acknowledge her feelings but ultimately she is a 10 year old child who doesn’t get a choice in such things and the sooner she realises that the sooner this will blow over.

No bullying I don’t think although the children are quite boisterous in her class.
i do force her to go but it’s not a pleasant start to the day having drama tears and a fight before school everyday. I really don’t think she is autistic tbh she doesn’t have any signs really.

Girls can mask heavily, could she be displaying mutism traits by not discussing her problem. Or be Audhd? It’s not typical to be this unhappy and she may have unmet needs.

She's most likely overtired being up late. Do you go up to see what she's doing?

No more sweets in the house too, one of the problems solved.

Not the only issue, but why does she have sweets in her room?

Hormones can have a huge impact on sleep at this point, but it’s very possible she has ASD. It’s classic for girls of this age to be diagnosed as they become exhausted from masking and the divide between peers increases.

Autism is usually genetic, girls will experience it differently to boys and can often mask until school becomes too much. I would say this is a major symptom that she is potentially also autistic and would encourage you to explore how autism presents in girls.

I honestly don’t think she is autistic I am aware of it presents differently in females . I just don’t think she has any traits. She is not supposed to have the sweets she is sneaking them into her room.

Yes she sounds as if she is approaching EBSA (there are threads in here and a not fine in school Facebook group) that you need help and support to get through

forcing the way you are now is likely to lead to burnout

Year 6 is a rough and boring year but that level of distress around going to school is not normal. I’d also suggest looking at Autism signs in girls, my DD’s mostly presents as anxiety, and she’ll often say school is boring because she doesn’t have the right words to say she’s finding it overwhelming.

I just don’t think she has autism she is very very vocal and articulate. I was worried she was getting depressed.

I do have to force her though because I’m single parent and I need to work which leads to all round stress from me and her.

Stop buying the sweets so she can't sneak them to her room and send her to bed early for a week or so to catch up on sleep.

I wouldn't involve school at this point until you've ruled out the sweets/sleep issue.

Where is she getting the sweets from? Remove them from the places she can find them.

put a light in her room you can control from your phone; turn it off at 8.30pm.

I found dd 10 enjoyed having a book read aloud to her again at this age. Worth a try

I'm not sure the sweets are really the biggest issue here...

Firstly stop the sweets.

if she is sneaking them then don’t buy them. Very simple.

Second tell her it’s bed time and turn the lights off. What is she doing in her room? Because a kid in the dark would get bored pretty quickly so I suspect screens or thr lights are on. You are the parent. No screens and lights off.

Perfectly in your control to sort this due to specific things she is doing.