Dd 10 refusing school

[Sheldonsheher]

Should I involve the school my DD 10 is refusing to go to school,
crying and saying she hates it.
every day is a battle. I know she is staying up too late in her room. I can hear her moving around in the night. She also also started eating lots of sweets in her room. I had a no food upstairs policy and I’m not controlling but it seems like it’s gone a bit far. Also saying she hates school.
also drawings very dark drawings, not brushing hair. She has friends and seems quite well liked
and not being bullied. She is quite able and the school is in my opinion not very interesting for her and her teacher is not the best fit personality wise. Every morning it’s a battle of crying angry bad moods and saying she doesn’t want to go. We end up having massive arguments and this is not great. My son is ASD and I don’t want also him to be set back in his going to school expectations. In any case should I involve the school. I’m a single parent been through family court so I don’t want to introduce authorities or services. But I don’t really want to carry on this way and I can’t seem to help my DD who is angry and anxious all the time during term time.

From what you have said (not asd, no bullying, good friends etc) there doesnt seem to be any good reason for her to not go to school.

Stop the sweets, and the late nights and crack on. I say this as soneone whos dc2 "hates" school (would rather stay at home)

All of the above plus make sure the wifi is turned off and she doesn’t have access to any devices.

The OP is making the child attend.

The point of the thread is the child is very unhappy.

I see you’ve said you don’t want to involve services in case of family court issues, but what I will say is that if you don’t and this blows into full on school refusal, then it may well go against you if you haven’t engaged services to help your daughter. Anxiety in year 6 is common, whether she’s autistic or not - it’s a tough year with SATS pressure, and even kids that seem fine with the school work feel it. Also, it may be the impending move to secondary school that’s bothering her. Even if it’s spoken about in a positive way, it may be hanging over her like a big black cloud - it’s a massive change for kids, again even the ones looking forward to it.

we had major issues with DS2 in year 6 (he is autistic and I’m not saying your daughter is, how would I know?) - but he really struggled with anxiety which certainly seems to be her issue. We had days we could not get him through the door of school. We had to get him some therapy - private at first until we got appointments with CAMHS, to help him process and manage his anxiety around school. This is important, as school refusal can quickly snowball and become a major issue if it’s not dealt with promptly, and this does generally need professional help. We also heavily involved the school. Told them about the anxiety issues and worked together to make a plan to help reduce anxiety and get him through the door.

in your shoes, I’d start by speaking to school and the gp Push for help from them before this becomes a much bigger problem.

Lot of overly simplistic replies on this thread, try to ignore the people who clearly can't see beyond the surface issues @Sheldonsheher

Yes make sure the home environment is supportive - no sweets, no WiFi, limited screen time, healthy choices.

But you have a child who has been through a family court situation. This sounds like childhood was worrying and stressful? What's the contact situation now?

It's highly possible the upset is not caused by school but is simply coming out about school. Does she understand and can she talk about her earlier childhood?

You need to get support for her. Getting support isn't optional, you just need to work out where best to go and what to ask for, and you shouldn't delay because she needs more help. Is there a charity you can talk to about your situation?

Hello OP :)
I am a safeguarding governor that works closely with a primary school. I also work in a secondary school and have extensive safeguarding experience.
I will be honest and say it is likely the school have already noticed little signs. I genuinely think in this case it would be better for you to ask for help and advice from your school. The DSL should be able to offer you support and techniques to help get your daughter into school (if they dont offer help then they are not being compliant with statuatory guidance and law!)

My daughter definitely DOES have spectrum and she is also in year 6 and struggles to settle in the evenings some times.
In december I was at my wits end so I decided enough was enough and I adapted her bed time routine. I have 2 other kids for clarity.
My younger 2 go to bed at 7pm- my eldest has a shower at 7:05pm after teeth brushes and toilets have been had. Then between 7:30-8pm we do a fully focused half an hour where she and I do something of her choosing that she is interested in. She can talk to me about anything (and my goodness does she talk!!) To get thoughts out. Then 8:30pm she is to get into bed and read with a sound machine on (she needs the white noise to cancel loud noise in her head).
At 8:30 I go upstairs, say goodnight, turn lights off etc and thats it. She is to stay in bed then- even if she "cant sleep" my expectation is for her to stay in bed and listen to her sound machine to try and sleep. It took about 2 weeks to get everything rolling the way we wanted it to but now it is fully in place she is sleeping better and seems happier!

I am really strict with sweets/treats- they are a weekend thing only and as part of lunch time usually or if we are doing something special like the cinema. I just dont buy them any other time so there is no temptation (for me honestly lol). It could be that your daughter is so tired, the sugar is giving her a quick energy buzz! Plus sugar is an addiction.

My daughter hates having a shower and washing her hair, until she is IN the shower. Does your daughter struggle getting ready for a shower too? I just lay everything out for mine at the moment as I am trying to build good habits.

Well done on keeping her in school, it is SO hard being a parent some times and when moments like this comes very easy for everyone else it can feel like such a short coming but you are trying really hard! Please ask the school for help :) sending all of the love

Definitely speak to the school (pastoral support if they have it) and speak to the GP to try to get her some mental health support as she sounds like she might be depressed.

I concur with most of @Bumblebeesince19's approach although my daughter's sleep difficulties (resulting from ADHD) were more extreme than could be dealt with through normal sleep hygiene so she is on medication. But 1-1 time doing an activity before bed is a great idea. The more connection you have, the more she's likely to disclose what's bothering her, as clearly something is.

I think some of you are going to get a bit of a shock at secondary when they travel by themselves and can go in any shops they like!

I’m 10 month on from the start of ESBNA.

My DD is younger but it was a transition year which is when ESBNA start.

You need an urgent meeting with class teacher and SENCO. Ask for a professional referal to CAHMS for ASD assessment. Lots of autsitic girls are articulate. Tell school that you need to start their ESBNA tool kit.

Don’t sit on this. It will get worse.

I was a very vocal and articulate school refuser who was diagnosed Auadhd last year. I was also bored and terrified of going to secondary school but didn’t say anything. I was a great masker who burnt out by 13 and ended up on a psychiatric ward. I left school with hardly any GCSEs despite attending a private primary school and getting all As and Bs in the yearly exams. Secondary was brutal. I went to uni on the back of a BTEC and have a degree and two post grad diplomas but I consider it a miracle as I only attended school about a third of the time. I struggled through uni too. My mum still struggles to believe I’m autistic and I’m now 49. Don’t dismiss neurodivergence.

tell her the night before that she has to go to school because you have to go to work. explain that this is the system and you’ll lose your job if you’re forced to stay home with her. I think she’s finding life hard- the sweets suggest this- it would be great if you could give her some extra time

Please don’t discount ND as girls typically mask better and present very differently. My DD can mask really well, but I did see lots of changes in her in year 6.

i would come at it as a place of support and wanting to understand… what do you find easiest / hardest / least enjoyable at school. What would help / make it better / easier etc… I’m assuming only one teacher in the year group?

lack of sleep is definitely not going to be helping. I know a few ND children who struggle to fall asleep. My dd from birth took about 90 minutes to fall asleep.

yoive had lots of good advice round this. I would make sure no screens are in her room and would have a reading only rule. I think reading has always helped mine to switch off… and always helped them feel like they were getting control over bedtime.

Thanks we had another not great morning. Despite her being in bed and being told to go to sleep she had been awake in her room. She was trying to stay of school again and I refused to let her. I ended up having a go at her and now I feel bad. She does not respond if I am nice. So I don’t know I feel pretty bad. She would literally stay up late and sleep all day if she could and it’s really getting me down. Also googling it says not to force or shout but how else are you going to get someone out of bed that is refusing to get up and go. I’ve tried being nice and she just goes under the duvet. I really don’t want to involve the school but I feel she is not listening to me and so maybe another adult having a word might help her. I don’t want her to get depressed or things to get worse

Please don't do this. Don't add guilt to a situation she's probably not fully in control of.

This ^ . My son went through a phase of this , I had to carry him and the Head met me and took him off me. Fortunately the school was a few minutes away . I didn't feel there was a choice of whether to go to school or not . I would have also refused to go to school because I hated it but it wasn't an option in our house !

She needs a lot more support than another adult having a word with her.

Sad really that childhood with its unique and irreplaceable precious gifts of curiosity and imagination is forced into the straitjacket of school.

Switch the wifi off, remove her phone at bed time. Start parenting.

God all these ‘just force her’ responses are bringing back PTSD for me. My bright, articulate, funny DS struggled with school and we did everything we could to get him in every day in primary, which was a huge amount of effort but it worked and he did well in SATS (above expectations across the board). Come secondary he struggled for a bit then massively burned out, mental health crisis, saying he wanted to die. He now hasn’t been in mainstream school for over a year, and has been diagnosed ASD and ADHD. We are struggling through the EHCP process to get a package that he can cope with.

when he had his EP asssssment for the EHCP one thing has stayed with me, in that she said his primary school had failed him by not picking up on his neurodiversity.

it’s not normal for a child who is academically able, not bullied, has friends to struggle so much with school and this should automatically be taken as a red flag to further investigate.

if we had managed to get his diagnosis sooner we would be in a massively different situation now - honestly if you keep on forcing without understanding the underlying issue you are setting yourself up for a huge amount of difficulty at secondary. You seem so keen to discount ASD but you have it in the family, and your DD sounds like she is presenting identically to DS - why wouldn’t you rule it out via assessment rather than just assume?

Please don't let her have unrestricted Internet. Self harming is really really common nowdays and I think in some cases is picked up from teenaged enuii becoming misdirected by Internet searches. I wish I could go back in time and lock down Internet from my child until they were older.
I also agree with others who have said that autism doesn't present the same way in girls and often shows up at this age when social rules get more complicated and they suddenly cant keep up any more.

Sorry but you need to be tougher. No sweets, no internet and she will go to school. She doesn’t get to make the choice.

This is such a load of bollocks

Not everything is a special need. Sometimes kids just try it on. If the refusal persists after sensible measures like no wifi/no screens/no sweets are in place, then it is worth exploring, but sometimes kids just need boundaries.

This. Everyone jumps straight to a poster's child having additional needs.

Not the fact this child is eating sweets in their bedroom and then wandering around all night, without OP seemingly checking what they're doing.