Son asking to see private parts

[Holdingoutforsummer]

Hi there, I’d love some advice as feeling slightly worried. I have a 5 year who for the majority of the time is a well enough behaved, kind and thoughtful child who understands right from wrong and bar the normal 5-year- old occasional power struggles is pretty good. Last summer when he was as 4.5 he quite suddenly had an interest in other kids bums. It started as a silly game where he and his friends would flash their bums at each other. We thought this was harmless enough until it seemed to happy every week and in different settings. We started gently talking to him about boundaries and privacy and as it kept continuing throughout the summer we bought many books and got firmer with him about it as he just kept doing it and we’d get reports from childcare settings and our friends that he’d been asking other kids to show their bums. Other kids seemed to be doing it too but I feel our son was the instigator. When we’d ask why he kept doing it he said he would get upset and say he didn’t know and it was because he was curious This caused a fair bit of strife as he just didn’t seem to be able to stop doing it. He started school in Sept and I was worried it was going to continue there however it seemed to be the opposite and he mainly forgot about it and when I asked how he felt about it in early autumn he said he wasn’t curious any more. So for most of this past school year we’ve forgotten about it and put it down to a developmental phase. Cut to these past few weeks, we had a couple of his girlfriends over last week and the kids where playing dress up and running wild in the living room, my partner was in the kitchen and overheard our son saying to his friends that they should all show their private parts. The girls were running around half dressed in fancy dress at this stage and he was dressed up as a princess. My husband alerted me straight away and I r put a stop to it and when his friends left we sat him down for a firm enough chat asking him why he was doing that again when he knows it’s not appropriate. He got upset and again said he didn’t know and he was curious. We are about to have a long summer of childcare settings and where he can run a bit free’er and I’m feeling very anxious we are going to have a repeat of last summer. We have started reading the books again to him this week but I’m feeling slightly exasperated that this is happening again and not sure what the trigger is. We’ve made it very clear being curious is completely normal but asking people to show their private parts is totally inappropriate and cannot happen. I’m just worried that it’s not sinking in. I’m also concerned about shaming him and causing problems for him at a later point but also slightly aghast about what to do. He isn’t diagnosed but we have a suspicion he might be slightly ADHD and wonder if part of this is a lack of impulse control. I guess a worried part of me is there is something wrong or he’s been exposed to something which seems very unlikely as he’s never out of our sight. Any advice/ reassurance would be really appreciated. Thanks

Yes that is my concern, it’s persistency and it’s reactivation and being dormant for a year. My plan is to talk to NSPCC today, thanks.

please so let us know what they say. For what it's worth, as much as the behaviour is inappropriate I also don't think it's "naughty" or needs threats about police! I would be interested in how NSPCC recommend handling it to get the balance between making it clear its not appropriate without shaming.

I’m hoping to get some helpful advice and get to the bottom of it. I won’t be shaming nor mentioning the police. I’m worried about him and want to help him through this.

Did he use the word "curious" or is that you paraphrasing the conversation you had?

Yep he did both last year and last week. Said he’s curious.

I would be worried about a 5 year old using that term op. Not to worry you but that’s an unusual word for a child of his age,

I hear you but he does have quite a big vocabulary at the best of times. I will mention it today though.

You mean the word ‘curious’? 😆
You mean a 5 year-old is too stupid to know the meaning of the word curious?
You are very funny..but not in the haha way.

My sons 7 he said the other day about two of his friends showing each other their Willie's and laughing. Boys do these things and just need to be told it's not appropriate. He and his friends use to think bums were really funny, one of his friends used to flash his bum but hes grown out of it. He's had his year 2 talk in bodies and was telling me all about vaginas and penis. Thinking he was being funny or controversial but I just said thats good what did you learn. My friends son asks lots of questions about periods. I don't remember my dd being interested at all in this but it's probably not just a boy thing. I think you've made a big fuss and it's made it worse. He's probably doing it for attention. You don't want to make him be secretive about things because he thinks it's so wrong he's going to get told off. Number one rule no one goes near private parts and there are never any secrets you won't be in trouble for telling me anything.

Did you let the girl’s parents know?

If not, please speak to them. They will need to have a talk with their children to let them know that it’s not ok for anyone to ask them to show them their private parts and what to do in this situation if it happens again.

The girls may not say anything and be worried. Or, it might come out at a later date that they were in their underwear and asked to show private parts in your house and it may not be clear what the situation was.

Thanks yes, their parents were at ours when it happened and I spoke to both mums after - they are close friends of ours. They were all playing dress up when it happened.

we certainly didn’t intend to make a big fuss in the slightest. We started off very calm and measured but when it went on over the period of 6 weeks last summer and we were contacted by childcare providers letting us know it was happening it was hard not to be further concerned and try to take action. I’m not sure implying we’ve caused this is helping tbh.

"I would be worried about a 5 year old using that term op. Not to worry you but that’s an unusual word for a child of his age..."

Not really. My son grasped the concept of "anachronism" at an early age and would use the term correctly.

There is a series of books and films for young children based on a monkey called "Curious George".

"I would be worried about a 5 year old using that term op. Not to worry you but that’s an unusual word for a child of his age"

And what exactly is your concern about a five year old child using the word "curious"?

Its usage in the sense of "inquisitive" dates from the mid 14th century.

This is too serious a subject to be anything but accurate and careful around language.

Curious in the way an adult would understand it when it comes to bodies, functions etc IS an adult term and very nuanced.

A five year old may not grasp its meaning. Maybe they used the word literally, but I work in the field of SA, and this would be a red flag for us. It can be used as a ‘playful’ term by adult predators. You absolutely need advice from professionals op,

It sounds like you're trying hard to reason with a 5 year old boy. No. Give him a massive telling off and very severe consequences (for his little world!) if he does it again. I understand being worried about shaming him, but shame can actually be useful and appropriate in some situations. You're his Mum and have to nip this in the bud before it turns into unhealthy sexual behaviour and no boundaries as an adult man! X

Also, don't want to worry you at all but this coupled with the fixation on other kids' bits is a huge red flag. I think you need to have a serious chat with DH and maybe get some professional advice! X

Thank you. That’s helpful to know. The nspcc helpline is not working atm, only emails. I’d much prefer to talk to someone, are there any other resources you’d recommend me contacting?

I think you need to be very firm and give a consequence. All this looking at books and gentle chats about natural curiosity (which is obviously true of course) is diluting and confusing the message.

It isn't a red flag, it is common.

It would be common in isolation and at a slightly older age, yes. But certainly not coupled with all the context in the post and fixation on genitals to the point of asking to see other people's

Just tell him he mustn't show his private parts to anyone and no one should show their private parts to him. It is a fixed rule and curiosity is not a reason to break it. It shouldn't be a point of discussion it's a fixed no absolutely never.

It seems he understands well enough when he's covering up to stop you seeing anything, so I think he really knows it just needs firmly reiterating that it is a serious rule.

I managed to get through to the NSPCC helpline in the end and had a very helpful chat. The advisor I spoke to wasn’t overly concerned but has booked me in a call with a practitioner on Friday for a more in depth chat through and how to help going forward. Thanks for the advice to call them. I’m glad to have someone to chat to properly about this in a few days.

IME the kids who are fascinated with this are often the kids who didn't see their parents naked as they were growing up ie in the bath, toliet etc.

I don't really think it's that unusual though, I remember my mum being horrified one day when me and a friend who was a boy decided to strip off and run races round the living room. I also remember saying no to be asked to 'show me yours and I'll show you mine' when I got a bit older (but still primary school).

Other parents are understandably going to see this as a big problem though so it does really need nipping in the bud and a close eye kept on him whenever he has friends round.

Havent RTFT yet but the NSPCC pants rule is a good resource, explains consent and privacy in an age appropriate way