Son asking to see private parts

[Holdingoutforsummer]

Hi there, I’d love some advice as feeling slightly worried. I have a 5 year who for the majority of the time is a well enough behaved, kind and thoughtful child who understands right from wrong and bar the normal 5-year- old occasional power struggles is pretty good. Last summer when he was as 4.5 he quite suddenly had an interest in other kids bums. It started as a silly game where he and his friends would flash their bums at each other. We thought this was harmless enough until it seemed to happy every week and in different settings. We started gently talking to him about boundaries and privacy and as it kept continuing throughout the summer we bought many books and got firmer with him about it as he just kept doing it and we’d get reports from childcare settings and our friends that he’d been asking other kids to show their bums. Other kids seemed to be doing it too but I feel our son was the instigator. When we’d ask why he kept doing it he said he would get upset and say he didn’t know and it was because he was curious This caused a fair bit of strife as he just didn’t seem to be able to stop doing it. He started school in Sept and I was worried it was going to continue there however it seemed to be the opposite and he mainly forgot about it and when I asked how he felt about it in early autumn he said he wasn’t curious any more. So for most of this past school year we’ve forgotten about it and put it down to a developmental phase. Cut to these past few weeks, we had a couple of his girlfriends over last week and the kids where playing dress up and running wild in the living room, my partner was in the kitchen and overheard our son saying to his friends that they should all show their private parts. The girls were running around half dressed in fancy dress at this stage and he was dressed up as a princess. My husband alerted me straight away and I r put a stop to it and when his friends left we sat him down for a firm enough chat asking him why he was doing that again when he knows it’s not appropriate. He got upset and again said he didn’t know and he was curious. We are about to have a long summer of childcare settings and where he can run a bit free’er and I’m feeling very anxious we are going to have a repeat of last summer. We have started reading the books again to him this week but I’m feeling slightly exasperated that this is happening again and not sure what the trigger is. We’ve made it very clear being curious is completely normal but asking people to show their private parts is totally inappropriate and cannot happen. I’m just worried that it’s not sinking in. I’m also concerned about shaming him and causing problems for him at a later point but also slightly aghast about what to do. He isn’t diagnosed but we have a suspicion he might be slightly ADHD and wonder if part of this is a lack of impulse control. I guess a worried part of me is there is something wrong or he’s been exposed to something which seems very unlikely as he’s never out of our sight. Any advice/ reassurance would be really appreciated. Thanks

I used to work in this field for the NSPCC, OP can get some calm non judgmental advice from the helpline. It isn’t anything to panic about but she is asking for support and advice, this is a reasonable way to get it. It will be worthwhile if she feels supported and more informed about how to manage the situation.

Unfortunately some people have experience in the area of child sexual abuse and therefore know that certain behaviours can be a sign of abuse.

Certainly, what you shouldn’t do is tell them off and sweep it under the carpet.

I’m still quite baffled why you would think my original post would be inviting descriptions from others of any kind? I talked about my own personal experience on a website for mums and was asking for advice on how best I should deal with it. I found your response inappropriate to be honest.

There are several possibilities:

• he is a normal 5 year old curious about bodies
• he has seen something that has made him more interested - this is potentially worrying of course.

I think it is important that you do not make too much of it. You have clearly had long talks with him about it, and you even brought it up yourself after months of it not happening, which I think was probably a mistake.

If it is just his curiosity then the less that is made of it the better. You have explained about privacy, so leave it there. Stop reading the books to him.

All you need to do if it happens is to say - please stop that, you know it is not right. And then move on.

What is coming across to me is the real possibility that his natural curiosity has been blown up by you into something that it isn't. It is clearly something you are worrying a lot about and you must not convey that to him. Treat it lightly - just say no to him, as you would if he snatched a biscuit or whatever and move on. If he snatched a biscuit, you would not sit him down and lecture him about it and buy him books saying how wrong it is. To him it is in the same league.... just one more thing that the grownups say you must not do.

There is a real danger of it becoming a focus for attention seeking - he knows if he does it he will get a reaction from you.

It is worth remembering that children are allowed to see arms, legs etc., but not genitalia and they are bound to be interested just as they are interested in how a clock works or what is in a parcel.

A young relative of mine was mad about going naked and used to run around at home in the nude till he was about 10. Everyone ignored it and he just cottoned on gradually that the rest of the family did not do it. He is a teenager now and would not dream of doing it.

If you think there is the remotest possibility that his behaviour has been generated by something inappropriate he has seen or had done or said to him, then that is an entirely different scenario.

I wouldn't call the NSPcC. I would treat this as a naughty thing that he shouldn'tv be doing like hitting or making faces at people no we just dont do that end of. I don't know if drawing attention to to it by reading books over and over again is a good idea.

Thanks, very helpful. Yes I think I went into panic mode when it happened multiple times last summer and I found it quite hard to manage it in my head as it felt like it was never going to end and he wasn’t listening to us. We were getting calls from childcare providers saying he was doing it, they seemed unsettled about it which in turn made me think it was something to worry about. I think I’ll call the NSPCC for advice tomorrow and yes be clear on boundaries with him whilst also not blowing it up further. Thanks for your thoughts.

Perhaps, but the OP is trying to explain something that she doesn't understand. And, on the other hand, maybe there is.

Literally no one is doing this. Op is getting normal advice for the situation.

If you don’t like it report it.

Oh don't be silly yes there is. All of my kids are ND as am I. 3 if us have ADHD. I can not for love nor money sit still for a single minute unless is absolutely hyper focused in which case you can't get him to think about anything else. Getting him out the door is a mammoth effort every time. He forgets to get dressed, eat, pack his bags make his lunch, dind his bus pass etc. It's endless chaos.
The least affected struggles to be tidy, finish tasks and is often late but can get themselves sorted and out the door with minimal fuss only forgetting one or two things. He can hold down a job and get to school.

Not sure why there is an obsession with not giving credence to more severe forms of neuro diversity. It takes away the struggles the most affected face.

I have reported it, obviously.

In the mean time, I hope posters will consider the impact of what they are sharing.

You said nothing inappropriate, Holdingoutforsummer. I can feel your distress about this, it is your child after all but I bet he is not the only one; the only one to get caught is more likely.

I do believe he will outgrow this. You are doing all the right things. By all means talk to the NSPCC who will no doubt reassure you. If you are going away on holiday, without any of his usual friends around, see how he behaves then. By the time he returns to school in September I am sure it will be a thing of the past.

There's no point in labelling him as Adhd, he is probably lively and more vocal than some other children but kids do vary.

My son (going on 46), had a phase of tickling other children, on their sides, when he was about six. His teacher told me and I was mortified. I can imagine how unpleasant it was for the other children. We talked to him about it and, like yours, he didn't know why. We tried to explain that nobody should touch other people' bodies, just as he shouldn't allow someone to touch his. He was a lively, vocal child. It passed, thankfully, and he turned into a laid back bloke. Hope he doesn't read this, can't imagine Mumsnet is his thing.

I won't begin to describe what I suggested to a little boy when I was quite small. I'd just learned something from an older child and wanted to impart my wisdom. We were at a family gathering and sitting under the table. About twenty five years later I had to sit opposite him at a wedding and remembered it, I hoped he didn't. I'm now 75 and blushing at the memory!

Kids.......

I am sure all will be well. Enjoy the summer holidays, your little boy will be more grown up when he returns to school in the autumn, school will become a bit more serious and he will have other things to think about.

Thanks so much, this made me laugh which I needed tonight. Very kind and reassuring, thank you.

I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill

It's normal to be curious

I'm guessing he doesn't have a sister

No sister no and he’s really not around any nudity at all bar my husband and I running around half dressed in the mornings trying to get out the door.

I think what you are saying op it isn’t the behaviour as such, as that could be developmental curiosity - it’s the persistence. Thst seems to be the issue. Despite being told multiple times he continues to do it. It hasn’t just passed. I think it’s definitely worth checking out, and it will be put your mind at rest. For his own well being if nothing else. You seem very kind and caring op, and a great parent.

I think I'd just show him pictures in a book of human anatomy and take the mystery out of it. This is what boys look like, this is what girls look like. This is what boys/girls look like inside. (show diagram)

Then reiterate that private parts are not to be shown and he isn't allowed to ask others to see theirs. Be very clear and ask him if he understands. Give examples of the sort of things he is not allowed to say.

Tell him what the consequences will be if he does it again. People will be uncomfortable and won't want to be his friends anymore, he will be in trouble with their parents, teacher will tell him off, you will punish him etc.

Show him the NSPCC pants song, tell him he shouldn't ask to see anyone's private parts and likewise noone should be asking to see his

Thank you, yes it was the persistence of it last summer and it now suddenly happening again after nearly a year of it going quiet. I’m trying to work out what the trigger has been both times. I will seek advice for sure and thanks so much for your kind words. I want to do right by him and not create further problems for him down the line by getting this wrong.

We have already done that - it’s a kids book but we showed him one last year and again this week. Thanks

Thanks yes we did that last year and bought the Pants book. They had a session at school last month where they did the pants song and were spoken to about awareness, I wonder if that’s what has reactivated it in his head. Hard to know.

This

You also need to sit your dh down
My husband alerted me straight away and I r put a stop to it
He didnt put a stop to it and deal with it because.....

My son is ASD and has gone through stages (1-2 years) where he has been obsessed by different body parts : 2-3 it was legs. I had to watch him all the time because if someone showed their legs he would walk up and touch them. 6-7 feet. He would ask to touch anyones feet. It reassured him somehow. Had to explain that he could touch his parents feet but noone elses. Then a period of skin, hair. Luckily not private parts as they are covered up so he don't see them.

I think you need to be very stern with your son. Tell him that the only private parts he has the right to touch is his own. And that if he asks kids to show their private parts their parents will call the police on him. He's too young to understand SS and safeguarding but the police has always worked for us when our DS has been prone to inappropriate behaviour of some sorts. Some might find this appalling but you need to do what works for you @Holdingoutforsummer to nip this in the bud.

You’re correct to be concerned because it’s ongoing and recurring and I disagree with those who say it’s ‘naughty’ behaviour.
I would either speak to the NSPCC or the school safeguarding lead, but it’s probably summer holidays now.

There is a tool they can use called the ‘Brook Traffic Light system’ which lists and grades behaviour. Some sexual curiosity is absolutely normal with children but it depends on the age, the behaviour, frequency and context so people are trained in using the tool. Eg. Comparison or a flashing of parts is green for some younger age groups, but I’d worry about the ongoing nature of the behaviour and the cause of this.

My husband told him off first and then alerted me. He’s very actively taking this seriously too. Thanks