Getting cat for ND teen

[jen337]

Dd 14 is ND and often comes home emotionally fatigued and drained from masking which leads to anxious, stressy and immature behaviour at home, a well as retreating to her own space. She has recently been taken with the idea of getting a cat and persistently asking for several weeks. I’m not really into pets in general and ordinarily would say no but am considering it if I can be convinced it would benefit dd. I’m thinking that interacting with the cat, playing with it, stroking it, would have a calming influence in her, like a therapy animal of sorts. Training and caring for it might give her a sense of responsibility. The concern its dd would not cope with the responsibility of looking after the cat, she’s not the best for chores and routine, and this would then fall to me. Dh is very much a dog person, and dislikes cats (I won’t have a dog as we don’t have the time to properly look after one). He would probably go along with it for dds sake but wouldn’t actively get involved.
Has anybody had a similar experience, did you get a cat and how did it go? I’ve thoroughly investigated the ins and outs of cat ownership, costs, needs, care, etc. so understand what’s involved from that side of things, more interested to know about experiences/views of cats for emotional regulation for ND teens.

Hello, I have ND kids and I'm ND myself and have always adored my pets but found the cats and dogs very stressful with their needs.
The cat going out worried me, the dog being a lunatic stressed me. My nd teen bugged me for a dog and I walk, feed and clean up after DDog, which I have no problem with but it isn't any responsibility for dc really. He just cuddles DDog and feeds her treats 😁

Would you be able to convince her to get a hamster as a first pet?
They're really lovely, adore being handled, can have lots of fun with them etc and do nice things for them but the cost of pet insurance, food etc won't be a big of a cost as a cat for a first pet.
Plus, most pet places such as pets for homes will rehome your hamster if looking after it is too much. And she can have a absolute set schedule, cleans hamster out Mon, wed, Fri. Changes food and water daily. Or even a guinea pig but they need to be in pairs.

I did adore having a cat but when she went out and didn't return I was bereft, eventually she came back but left again to the neighbours who practically made her kitty charcuterie boards daily so she completely left me and my boring chicken and dreamies 😂

I have 12 yo ND DD. We've always had cats. We've got 7 cats and about to go up to 9. She's always interacted perfectly well with them day to day, she loves them. But if she has a meltdown (waiting for autism diagnosis) she cares not for anything within the vicinity of her screaming and shouting. The cats run away as fast as they can. I get the verbal and sometimes physical brunt of it. When she's not having a meltdown or in school then we're a happy home. I don’t work due to CPTSD (nothing to do with DD) so that's my explanation for so many cats. We have a zoo here: mice, ferrets, rabbits and guinea pigs also.
Any pet you get is going to be down to you to do everything for it. Don't assume it will help, it might, it might not, it might help some of the time I hope (it does with DD most of the time). I do think that it teaches her something most of the time. But if she loses all control in a meltdown then I now keep her away from the pets until she's calmed down.
I take serious responsibility for the pets we have and with her being 12 years old I’m much more capable of keeping them separated now.

One thing that did make a difference a couple of years ago was when we had 4 female rats. They're so sociable and cement a place in your heart. She was brilliant with them from the start. It was just very hard for both of us when they all passed on. Maybe start out with smaller animals and see how you go.

I did this for my ND teen at the start of lockdown, she was about 14 too. She chose a very grumpy old tom from the rescue centre. I wasn't sure about it, but he literally changed her life and they have bonded so much. She is about to go to uni now, and he is a very loved member of the family who has turned into a very affectionate boy, so I like to think we all helped each other.

Thanks for the lovely posts @Lwrenn and @Chucklit . I really appreciate your perspectives and your great advice. Dd is coping pretty well at school but in turn lets it all out at home, this is mostly emotional sensitivity and teariness and whinging rather than outbursts, I was hoping the cat might help her with resilience and emotional regulation. Realistically though I think much of the cat care will fall to me as she’s abysmal at keeping herself or her room clean and tidy and her crap out of shared spaces. If it has a positive impact on her behaviour I could tolerate this but if it doesn’t change and we're I’m stuck looking after a cat it would be a nightmare.
As to a Guinea pig or other small pet, we had a hamster when she was younger so in her view we’ve done that, plus it nipped her once so she never really got used to handling him even though he was pretty tame, however he got a taste for freedom and would scarper behind the furniture any chance he could. I do really like the idea of rats, but unfortunately dd doesn’t. Perhaps if a friend of hers had them that she could see and interact with, as this is how she got the idea for a cat.

Thanks, this scenario is the dream for me, but I just don’t know whether to take the risk. The clear positives for dd and she’s so excited about it against the vision I have that they don’t bond then there’s a cat weeing and scratching everywhere and the rest of the family on my back about it, plus I have enough things on my plate already.

There's a great article, which I always struggle to find, about why getting a furry pet for an ND child as 'therapy' is a bad idea. Essentially, furry pets can be smelly, slobbery, grumpy, scratchy and annoying. They require care all the time, which is taxing, and don't just do the thing you hired them for, whether that's stroking, or cuddling or weight. They also have a lot of their own needs, and in a stretched household, they may not get that.

Hear me out, snake. They are non-smelly, smooth, they squeeze, which is soothing, need fed once a week or less. If you get bored, they won't care as long as their enclosure is good and you feed them. They don't have feelings per se so won't care if the child really likes them or not. You also become part of a nerd community of snake-lovers.

If I didn't like cats, and DH didn't like cats, and ND DD asked for one, I'd say no. But I might try fostering to adopt possibly. To try it out.

Would she be able to recognise when the cat needed space or understand that sometimes it won't want cuddles but when she does?

If she's not going to do any care then it's effectively your cat? Do you want the responsibility of a cat?

You could try a small tropical fish tank. They are very calming to watch and my fish could recognise me vs other family members. But again care yould fall to you. Water change every week or so- maybe an hour.

My ex boyfriend who was also ND looking back, had a snake. He would sit with him for hours after a stressful day at work of having to interact with other lads on site etc, so he'd go home, make a brew and just sit with the snake, (uniquely named jake,) for hours to process his day and regulate himself.

But yes to fostering, I've pals who do this, take in rescues if they don't settle in kennels etc and sometimes the wee things move on to homes, other times they just fit too nicely in their families to move on. Terrific idea MTP!

A lot of good for though there thankyou. I think snake, or any alternative, might be a goer if there was a ‘model’ for her to follow. As it is her bf has a cat so she thinks cat is the way to go. Also when it’s discussed she wants an ‘intelligent’ pet which has its own emotions and ideas and she can interact and play with. Snake and fish are too passive for her. In a way I understand her on this.Obviously I’m not sure her limited contact with friends cat has exposed her to the bitey scratchy smelly realities. I’d like to give fostering a try the risk is I’m sure she’ll fall in love with whatever cat we get, whatever it’s like, as she gets attached very to ‘her’ things.

Yes I think she would, she’s quite sensitive and caring when it comes to animals.

No, truth be told I don’t what the responsibility of a cat.

And we did have a tropical tank which dh looked after as it was sufficiently low maintenance for him, and to be fair the fish did have personality, but again she said she wants something a bit more ‘interactive’.

@MrsTerryPratchett I meant food for thought in earlier post!

Can not advise on getting a cat for a ND teen, but it was the best decision for whole of our family as a whole few months ago. It is so easy to keep a cat: apart from feeding and cleaning, it only brings joy and calmness. Sometimes, I am driving home after work and can't wait to squeeze her in my arms! DCs (15 and 11) are very responsible and very loving towards our kitty. Our kitten brought calm and love into our lives.

Cats will just fuck off and do what they want when they want without thought to anyone else. It's like having another ND person in the house tbh.

What about a gerbil? You can spend ages making a perfect environment and watching them dig around making use of the stuff you give them. You can handle them as well.

Op my DD is 15 and autistic and has adhd, she has wanted a kitten for ages but i'm not convinced.
So we are currently fostering a kitten for a cat rescue centre to see how it goes.
Said kitten has scratched us both to death, kicks his litter all over the floor and has got poo on his paws which he has then run all through the living room inc the sofa and DD's clothes . DD gets upset at all of this but does think he's very cute.

Yeh this is pretty much what I’m imagining happening, thanks for sharing, and hope things settle down with your cat!

Cats are wonderful emotional support animals. The vibration from their purring has healing/calming powers and they are quite intuitive about when you are low or unwell.

The first thing DH or I do if we’ve had a bad day is go and hug the cat. Cats are also being used in prisons to help inmates regulate their emotions.

It’s a lovely idea OP.

I think an adult rescue cat might work really well.
Ive worked with young people with ASC a lot, and pets did seem to help - not dogs (too demanding), but cats and house (bedroom) rabbits or guinea pigs were good.
getting an adult means hopefully house trained and past the ripping up the curtains stage. Also their personality will be more established so you can get one suited to your family.

We were not really cat people but finally, after a lifetime of begging, agreed to get one for our ND daughter when she was 17.
The cat doesn't take much looking after, just feeding and changing the litter trays each week which I do of course. It's an indoor cat because it getting run over would be catastrophic for DD.
She loves her cat, in the darkest of times it gave her something to live for. No regrets.

Thanks for all the replies. From the range of responses it’s reassuring that many of the pros and cons are what I’d imagined. It’s on the back burner now until next summer holiday or earliest Easter when we’ll be at home to spend time getting to know the cat.

What condition does she have? I'm autistic and grew up with cats. Often as a child I'd be unable to tolerate anyone's company except the cats' and they are still very therapeutic for me. Rescue one, though; don't support breeding.

We have always had cats but found when both my ND boys became teens they have become invaluable.

My eldest DS adores (what became) his cat. He talks to her when he needs comfort and she follows him around. This relationship developed as he was going through the tricky teen times.

My middle DS2 'adopted' our other cat when he was going through an incredibly traumatic time. The cat himself was a rather grumpy cat who had become grumpy after a back injury. They kind of healed each other. My DS rarely left his bedroom and the cat gave him comfort and company.

Both boys and both cats have gained so much from the relationship

We did have a tricky time when one of the cats did not come back home for a couple of days, but the boys were pragmatic about it.

My DC is an only child with an ASC, when he was eight,his teacher fixed me with a gimlet eye and said "does he have pets?" I wasn't being asked, I was being told!

So I had a think. A dog would be more than I can cope with and I like cats and have kept cats before so we got a pair of kittens from a friend with a cat. We knew they were going to be my responsiblity. They were a huge nuisance (shed fur everywhere, licked any food left out including salad and soft fruit, scratched furniture, occasionally pooed in the wrong place, brought mice / birds / frogs indoors) and not people-friendly (hated being picked up or cuddled, wouldn't sit on laps, could just about take being stroked, would only snuggle up beside us on a cold day!) but even so DC loved them and got along with them. It was DC who noticed if one of them had a sore paw or scratched ear from a fight. On balance they were company and a huge plus for DC despite the downsides.

DC did get scratched once. He knew how to handle them safely but they let him get away with a lot and when they were adults he took chances, I kept nagging him until in the end I decided to let the cats sort it out. One of them did and DC was more careful in future!

With hindsight I would probably have only got one cat, and maybe an adult with a more sociable personality rather than a kitten because it's hard to tell with kittens!

Fostering a kitten is very brave! We enjoyed a year of kitten madness with our two and then enjoyed the calm once they settled down into lazy slobcats.

(PS when they fought it was with a neighbour cat not each other - they got on OK in the house together)

I can give experience here:

Anxious DD, not diagnosed ASD but some overlapping issues eg noise, crowds, some other SEN.

I am not an animal person, DD very much is. She has studied animal care at college.

She wanted a dog, no way could we do that. We got a rescue cat. Rescue cat preferred me as I was more calm. I liked cat but found constant presence stressy. Sadly cat had to be pts due to kidney problem about a year later.

We got guinea pigs from college. They live in a spare bedroom. DD does most of the care, it doesn't take long. They are good to cuddle too.

DD now also has a royal python. She does most of the care, but they are very fussy eaters, and it is stressful when he goes weeks without eating. DO NOT GET A ROYAL PYTHON WITH A VERY ANXIOUS CHILD we are only coping because DD is much improved and we have an expert family friend nearby.

Honestly, a couple of guinea pigs would be my recommendation.