I keep hearing my son might be neurodivergent but I don't feel he is

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Basically, my son is nearly six and he has a few behaviours that I understand could be seen as neurodivergent. The teacher and his play therapist have said this. (He has a play therapist because my younger son was in hospital for seven months as a baby, when my older son was three, so I was away for months... And since I have gone back to work recently he has seemed unsettled so we were worried about him feeling abandonment)...... He hates having his hair cut. He benefits from structure and knowing what the day will look like at school. He has hyperfocus on certain interests (currently Mario... He will draw about Mario, imaginary play about him, play Mario games on the computer, etc etc) and he is aloof/rude with some new people. By no means all, some people he takes to immediately. He also sometimes gets a little overwhelmed in big loud places.

What I find frustrating is that people will make assumptions about the rest of his behaviour based on this? They will be surprised that he has never had a tantrum or meltdown in his life. He happily goes to anywhere new with me. He's a pretty good eater and his sleep is amazing. He is absolutely fine with any plan change that ever happens, far more so than I ever was as a kid. He enjoys playing with and communicates very appropriately with all of his peers at school and has warm friendships with them and with his teachers. He's very thoughtful and empathetic with those close to him, particularly me. He has a great understanding of inference and a good sense of humour, his understanding isn't inflexible or literal a lot of the time. He hit all milestones very appropriately in his pre school years.

I wouldn't mind if he had every behaviour that people expect from autism, or if people were suggesting he was neurodivergent just based on the behaviours he actually does have. But it just really annoys me when they make assumptions or suggest that I'm not being honest about the behaviour that I observe or that I'm blinkered in some way? It makes you think he's in this in between land and I think am I overlooking things that I could be helping him with but on the whole he doesn't need help and the little things that bother him come up infrequently and mildly and don't really affect any of us. Just after anyone who has been in a similar situation really. Did your child end up needing help in the future, did they turn out to not be autistic. Etc. Thanks!

I don't have personal experience to share, OP, other than that of being diagnosed as neurodivergent well into adulthood.

Your ds may be neurodivergent or he may not. Trauma can sometimes result in similar indicators, so I guess that could be a factor for your ds. On the other hand, not all neurodivergent people display the textbook behaviours, so the fact that he doesn't have meltdowns etc doesn't necessarily mean anything either way.

If at least 2 professionals who know your ds have raised it as a possibility, I think you should take that seriously and explore it further. If he isn't on the spectrum, he won't get a diagnosis. If he is, then it's better to know about it. Either way, it won't change who he is.

My daughter has cerebral palsy and goes to school with children who has autism. With these children it's obvious straight away that they have autism and they definitely will not outgrow it.
I know the spectrum is so incredibly wide these days, but even if your son gets a diagnosis, it doesn't mean much if he still manages to cope with most things.
It's hard to know without meeting him, but from what you've wrote he sounds like a 'normal' little boy to me. Mine were all hard around this age. Demanding all the time, particular about things etc.

The teacher and play therapist will have experience of hundreds of children and if they think your child is 'different ', for want of a better word, they can probably be trusted. They won't make a diagnosis but can refer your child. They are aren't trying to insult your child or your parenting but want your child to get the support they need to thrive in school. I have known parents vehemently deny there is anything 'wrong' with their child until later on in school when it becomes more obvious.

Your child is fine at home because their surroundings are familiar and your routines fit in with his needs and wants. To an extent this csn be OK in Early Years too but as school becomes more formal more problems might be apparent. On the other hand, they might prefer a more formal style but it is better to be aware .

Ds was similar as a child and now an adult with no issues.
I would argue against the idea that people working in these areas are best placed to recognise neurodivergent behavior. I would want my child to be seen by someone who can judge them against a mixture of children.

Thank you this is really helpful. And yes I think that's a good thing to realise, that as school gets more formal he might struggle more. I'm not sure about this but it'd be good to keep an open mind. When I was away for months at what is a trying age anyway (3), the children I know who are neurodivergent would have absolutely reeled from this change in routine from Mum not being there and other people who they really didn't see often suddenly looking after them. But he was absolutely amazing, not a meltdown not an issue. It just makes me question it all. But I will try to keep an open mind and keep an eye out for concerns and heed the teachers' advice.

Thank you this is really helpful! Tmi also know quite a few people with similar behaviours and more challenging behaviours that are now adults with no issues. It's difficult to get the balance right at the moment I think. We all want the best for our kids, whatever that is.

Well a teacher and a play therapist would both have compared them with a mixture of other children in two different settings. So they are both well placed to recommend referring him to an expert. What harm could come of this?

I have also worked with children who seemed to have neuro divergent traits. I used strategies from autism training to work with them over initial problems and these were successful. I can think of two like this who, as far as I know, had no problems later on.

Autism and attachment/ developmental trauma can overlap and mirror each other ,making it very difficult identify them individually in a child.
My daughter is autistic and has a history of developmental trauma(separation from her initial attachment figure being one aspect). Even the professionals are unable to categorically say which behaviours are which. This is widely acknowledged. The management of all her behaviours are the same ie; based in relationships and connection.

But he was absolutely amazing, not a meltdown not an issue.

That's a fairly strange reaction for a young child.

He had his Dad there with him every single night to keep that routine. He missed me obviously, and he was quiet/withdrawn at childcare. But he did just get on with things. I've been told by professionals he likely slotted into a role of "not making things worse for us" 😕.

I would want my child to be seen by someone who can judge them against a mixture of children

Like a teacher at a regular school? That’s who has recommended further investigation. Based on their knowledge/experience of a wide range of kids I would expect?

My daughter is autistic non verbal and significant learning disability, she is really easy going and doesn't react badly to change, she will happily get on with whatever we are doing and doesn't care if different people look after her. All autistic are different and if the professionals are suggesting he could he then , maybe he is , maybe he isn't. I think u just need to have open mind and not try and convince urself he isn't. Autism is a scary word to parents but the child doesn't somehow become less than if they do get a diagnosis.

I have two autistic children (one diagnosed one on pathway), and one thing you should really consider is that autistic people and children are as varied and individual as neurotypical people. They will not all display every trate, and while many do struggle greatly throughout their lives, others don't (or at least deal with their difficulties internally), or maybe only struggle at particular stages, that's why people get diagnosed as older children, teenagers and even adults.

You also seem to be taking the suggestion as a criticism, and so feeling defensive. Being autistic does not mean you kids going to be rude or dificult, many are rule focused and where the 'perfect child' mask. If several people have suggested it, then I think you should consider the possibility, but if they are autistic, that fine. They will not stop being polite, having friends or doing well in school just because you pursue a diagnosis. But having that knowledge in advance will mean if they ever do begin to struggle, they can get help quickly, before their self esteem is eroded by not understanding why they can't do something or being constantly told they're the naughty kid.

Thank you! I appreciate this, it's very helpful. I don't think I'm defensive as such I just think it's harder to come at it from the angle I have. I have friends where the reason they have gone for a diagnosis is that their child was having non stop meltdowns as a pre-schooler and they thought they were parenting badly and it was a relief to know there was a reason. Or other friends where their kid didn't meet milestones and wasn't making eye contact etc and again they were pleased to know there was a reason. But I think if you have a kid where all milestones are met and they are honestly so easy, to then go through getting them diagnosed and worry about them wondering why you are doing this and thinking they are seen as different when honestly you have never had any concerns? I don't want to rock the boat if it doesn't need to be rocked, basically. I do agree with everything you say though, and it's an area I'm trying to read more about in case he does need support in future.

My autistic 12yo was very flexible at age 6, happy to go places, friendly with new people, didn't have a special interest, had never had a meltdown or been violent. There were some early signs of autism - her social interaction was a bit unusual, not great eye contact, some sensory needs but mainly around food, hand flapping. But she was generally really happy, loved school, had a couple of friends etc. It had become a lot more apparent by age 10 and we got her diagnosis at 11.

Thank you for sharing, did that coincide with the transition to secondary school? How is she doing now?

Hi OP, my 6yo is very typical in lots of ways - very loving and lots of friends - but also eccentric and can be ultra-focused.

A couple of experienced primary school teachers/educators we are close to as a family have gently told me that there's a chance he's ND.

As a result I am checking in with his teachers about this at each parent's evening, and keeping myself informed about possible signs to keep an eye out for, etc.

I'm also gathering info on routes to access a quick diagnosis (i.e. privately) in case we should need one.

But as PPs have said, he'll always be my loving, kind, slightly weird darling son, just as I've always been a loving, kind, slightly weird woman :)

The labels don't matter. None of it matters, really, as long as he's thriving. In the meantime if you want to map out your plan for what you'd do if he suddenly wasn't thriving, then now that you've had 2 gentle nudges it might not be a bad idea.

Really wish you all the best.

No, it seemed to coincide more with puberty, a year or so before the transition to secondary school. We just noticed the social difficulties/differences more and she did start having meltdowns although they're not really frequent. She did also struggle with the transition to secondary but is managing reasonably well in a small mainstream school with extra support. She doesn't need support with learning or organisation but does need it for changes in routine, transitions and various other things that can make her anxious. She has some lovely friends in school who are also autistic and a few out of school who aren't. We have some challenges and I've been glad to get her diagnosis, particularly for the school support. But overall she's doing well.

People want sharply defined categories but disorders like adhd and autism are diagnosed based on a number of traits which are present to different degrees across the population— a diagnosis is made if they're concentrated enough in one person, but non-disordered people can still have some of the same traits.

For example, being absent minded and frequently losing possessions is often seen in people with ADHD, but not everyone who is always losing their keys has ADHD.

He hates having his hair cut. He benefits from structure and knowing what the day will look like at school. He has hyperfocus on certain interests (currently Mario... He will draw about Mario, imaginary play about him, play Mario games on the computer, etc etc) and he is aloof/rude with some new people. By no means all, some people he takes to immediately. He also sometimes gets a little overwhelmed in big loud places.

That was my son exactly. I cut his hair until school age.

They will be surprised that he has never had a tantrum or meltdown in his life. He happily goes to anywhere new with me. He's a pretty good eater and his sleep is amazing. He is absolutely fine with any plan change that ever happens, far more so than I ever was as a kid. He enjoys playing with and communicates very appropriately with all of his peers at school and has warm friendships with them and with his teachers. He's very thoughtful and empathetic with those close to him, particularly me. He has a great understanding of inference and a good sense of humour, his understanding isn't inflexible or literal a lot of the time. He hit all milestones very appropriately in his pre school years.

Mine never really tantrumed beyond a couple of times as a 2 year old - I remember them specifically as it was so rare, once in a supermarket and once when I asked him to put his coat away. You say though he gets overwhelmed in big places so he must be doing something to show that? Mine has also been all over Europe and further a few times. He has never had a huge problem with transitions - but you say yours benefits from knowing what's coming at school. That will have been put in place because he has struggled with transitions there. Mine never had any problems with friends until Yr 6 - that's when the differences started to show. His teachers loved him at preschool, he was always very funny - but he would explain jokes sometimes if he didn't think you'd get it.

Mine was diagnosed at secondary school age but is doing really well, got excellent GCSE results and is looking forward to uni. It wouldn't surprise me at all if yours is diagnosed at that age too.

Even though you say he benefits from structure and routine at school and has not meltdowns, his teacher must have picked up on issues where he struggles to have flagged it. Being ND does not mean he needs a full diagnosis or ehcp but in many cases it helps access appropriate support.

Oh and mine was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome which is what I'd imagine yours would have been diagnosed with if it was still a thing. Now everyone's shoved into ASD and the bar has been raised.

Thank you, she did not flag it as such but when I went back to work and his behaviour got a bit worse (he just seemed unhappy/moody. He wasn't naughty as such). I asked her and she said he could be ND, or it might be traumatic related. And tbh the play therapist said exactly the same thing. They did say he seems happier knowing what is coming. He is definitely more like this with different settings, at home I could honestly throw anything at him and he's always fine.

Thank you! Yes this could easily be the case but good to know your son has managed absolutely fine. In some loud environments he will put his hands over his ears. If someone talks to him when he is overwhelmed or feels upset he will occasionally go down on the floor in an armadillo position ha and then after a minute or two he'll pop out and be fine to engage. It's like a regulation thing it just makes him feel safe. Usually he's just fine though and doesn't do that. This is a behaviour I noticed after COVID which he emerged from a lot shyer. I can't really comment on transitions at school it's hard because I've never seen him have an issue. So not sure exactly what he is supposed to do when he struggles with a transition. I know it took him 2 weeks to settle in and he improved after that. Funny you mention about the jokes! Finn often announces his jokes with "this will be a joke" haha.

You know him best he is young and a lot has happened in a short period in his life so far. You dont say what after them suggesting he may have ND traits they suggest you do about it. Are they suggesting you pursue a diagnosis and possibly an EHCP or have they just given these as a suggestion when you asked. I would just weigh up the positives and negatives of pursuing a diagnosis. What would he gain from that right now or in the future and how could it hinder him. There is help and support to access if he is ND however it's not an easy road and one I wouldn't want to go down unless I felt it was necessary to help him and I was holding him back without it. My son is nearly 22 now diagnosed with GDD at 5 then ASD at 13. It has helped him access a special needs college after a difficult main stream secondary education and then a supported internship and a job. Socially he still struggles. Take it all in and take some time.