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Original poster

I keep hearing my son might be neurodivergent but I don't feel he is

139 replies

user1477259453 · 03/08/2023 10:53

Basically, my son is nearly six and he has a few behaviours that I understand could be seen as neurodivergent. The teacher and his play therapist have said this. (He has a play therapist because my younger son was in hospital for seven months as a baby, when my older son was three, so I was away for months... And since I have gone back to work recently he has seemed unsettled so we were worried about him feeling abandonment)...... He hates having his hair cut. He benefits from structure and knowing what the day will look like at school. He has hyperfocus on certain interests (currently Mario... He will draw about Mario, imaginary play about him, play Mario games on the computer, etc etc) and he is aloof/rude with some new people. By no means all, some people he takes to immediately. He also sometimes gets a little overwhelmed in big loud places.

What I find frustrating is that people will make assumptions about the rest of his behaviour based on this? They will be surprised that he has never had a tantrum or meltdown in his life. He happily goes to anywhere new with me. He's a pretty good eater and his sleep is amazing. He is absolutely fine with any plan change that ever happens, far more so than I ever was as a kid. He enjoys playing with and communicates very appropriately with all of his peers at school and has warm friendships with them and with his teachers. He's very thoughtful and empathetic with those close to him, particularly me. He has a great understanding of inference and a good sense of humour, his understanding isn't inflexible or literal a lot of the time. He hit all milestones very appropriately in his pre school years.

I wouldn't mind if he had every behaviour that people expect from autism, or if people were suggesting he was neurodivergent just based on the behaviours he actually does have. But it just really annoys me when they make assumptions or suggest that I'm not being honest about the behaviour that I observe or that I'm blinkered in some way? It makes you think he's in this in between land and I think am I overlooking things that I could be helping him with but on the whole he doesn't need help and the little things that bother him come up infrequently and mildly and don't really affect any of us. Just after anyone who has been in a similar situation really. Did your child end up needing help in the future, did they turn out to not be autistic. Etc. Thanks!

OP posts:
Tetherless · 06/08/2023 20:57

coldcouture · 05/08/2023 23:05

@Tetherless, I think if multiple professionals are suggesting it independently of each other, it's worthy of consideration.

I guess, as others have flagged, the other issue is the lead times.

Lots of us have kids like OP's who are sociable and hold good eye contact, and do OK in the early years of school, but who progressively struggle. Lots of us have great experiences of inclusive primary schools who routinely make plenty of adjustments without even discussing them. But then, boom, they hit secondary, have to navigate peer relationships independently of teachers and parents, are suddenly not understood, and are without the informal adjustments that have kept them going until this point. Whilst one should absolutely be able to negotiate a SEND plan/request reasonable adjustments without a diagnosis, it's not always easy, especially if DC does not present in a way, or have needs, that school staff readily recognise.

If you want to explore a diagnosis at this stage, perhaps so that the detailed assessment could inform an EHCP plan, the timeline looks a bit like this:

  • Seek referral. Get told to come back in +3 months.
  • Seek referral/get referred. Referral accepted. Assessment conducted. +24-36 months.
  • Receive detailed assessment report. +6 months
  • Request and EHC assessment/assessment/issue. +5 months (minimum)
  • Appeal against the inadequate EHCP. +12 months
  • Adequate provision in place. + 3 months

Total time to get DC's needs adequately met in secondary school = Four and a half years +.

So if you apply in the summer term of Y7, adequate adjustments may not be in place until GCSE's are actually being sat.

If other people are having better experiences in their areas, please do say.

Yep and the lead times aren’t an issue for the OP, as has been said previously.

So in a situation where the “symptoms” could be caused by attachment/trauma, and the child has in fact experienced attachment issues and/or trauma, it makes more sense to address the attachment/trauma first, which is exactly what OP is doing, and then seeing how things develop.

I see a pp who actually works in this area has said exactly the same thing.

coldcouture · 06/08/2023 21:16

And I see two professionals who work in the area, and are not internet randoms, but ACTUALLY KNOW OP's child have raised the question.

Original poster
user1477259453 · 07/08/2023 08:36

coldcouture · 06/08/2023 21:16

And I see two professionals who work in the area, and are not internet randoms, but ACTUALLY KNOW OP's child have raised the question.

Sorry just to chip in here as this thread has gone completely mad ha. Both of these professionals have been quick to say that it could be ND or it could be trauma. And neither have offered the information without me asking them questions first, or suggested that I need to do anything about it or get a diagnosis at this stage.

OP posts:
coldcouture · 07/08/2023 09:09

Fair enough OP.

NogginBopper · 11/11/2023 09:35

Hey OP, just wondered how things were going with the new school year? Not really any change with mine, new teacher isn't really concerned about possible autism but obviously didn't want to give a definite "no" when he's still 5!

He's starting to want more play dates now which is nice as he's usually been fine on his own/ with his sibling.

EatMyHead · 12/11/2023 16:09

"Neurodivergeant" really doesn't mean anything. It's not a defined term with a set of clinical criteria determining whether you do or don't have it, and seems to rest on the obvious fallacy that there is one consistent way that the majority of people's brains work, meaning only the minority exhibit any departure from the norm.

But yes, a lot of people's approach to armchair diagnosis of these things is to latch on to one or two symptoms, decide the person must have the disorder and cherry pick or manipulate everything else about them to fit that decision.

coldcouture · 12/11/2023 17:45

EatMyHead · 12/11/2023 16:09

"Neurodivergeant" really doesn't mean anything. It's not a defined term with a set of clinical criteria determining whether you do or don't have it, and seems to rest on the obvious fallacy that there is one consistent way that the majority of people's brains work, meaning only the minority exhibit any departure from the norm.

But yes, a lot of people's approach to armchair diagnosis of these things is to latch on to one or two symptoms, decide the person must have the disorder and cherry pick or manipulate everything else about them to fit that decision.

I think you'll find it commonly refers to a cluster of neurodevelopmental disorders. You can find the clinical criterial for these in either DSM V or ICD -10.

If you take a look at the relevant NICE guidelines, you'll see the diagnostic criteria and assessment pathways for these are set out clearly for clinicians.

(What people choose to do in their armchairs is a seperate question. Please don't confuse the two).

EatMyHead · 12/11/2023 19:33

That's right. There is a set of clinical criteria for autism spectrum disorder, there is a set for ADHD; there is a set for OCD etc. etc.

There is no set for "neurodivergeance". And while there are obviously some comorbidities between these various disorders (as there are between some of them and other issues like depression, anxiety or substance abuse), nor are they a "cluster" in the sense of being subsets of a single overarching syndrome.

The word neurodivergeant was invented after the fact by people who want to make a big deal of being "different" (because most people are all the same, apparently) when they don't actually meet the criteria for any specific disorder.

coldcouture · 12/11/2023 22:10

EatMyHead · 12/11/2023 19:33

That's right. There is a set of clinical criteria for autism spectrum disorder, there is a set for ADHD; there is a set for OCD etc. etc.

There is no set for "neurodivergeance". And while there are obviously some comorbidities between these various disorders (as there are between some of them and other issues like depression, anxiety or substance abuse), nor are they a "cluster" in the sense of being subsets of a single overarching syndrome.

The word neurodivergeant was invented after the fact by people who want to make a big deal of being "different" (because most people are all the same, apparently) when they don't actually meet the criteria for any specific disorder.

You are making this stuff up!

It was in fact introduced by Australian austitic scholar, Judy Singer, in the 1990s, to counter deficit-based language.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 12/11/2023 22:14

EatMyHead · 12/11/2023 19:33

That's right. There is a set of clinical criteria for autism spectrum disorder, there is a set for ADHD; there is a set for OCD etc. etc.

There is no set for "neurodivergeance". And while there are obviously some comorbidities between these various disorders (as there are between some of them and other issues like depression, anxiety or substance abuse), nor are they a "cluster" in the sense of being subsets of a single overarching syndrome.

The word neurodivergeant was invented after the fact by people who want to make a big deal of being "different" (because most people are all the same, apparently) when they don't actually meet the criteria for any specific disorder.

I always seen neurodivergeant/Neurodiverse as the umbrella term for adhd /autism and will say we are definitely a Neurodiverse family. Daughter diagnosed autism, I was recently diagnosed adhd, younger daughter going through assessment process for adhd and autism and husband is undiagnosed adhd/autism. That's not me trying to make our family different and cool and hip or whatever u was implying! I would love anything more for me and my family to not be Neurodiverse it puts great strain on each of members of family and its really difficult trying to accommodate everyone's needs. And it's taken away my older daughters voice as she is non vebal

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 12/11/2023 22:16

And neurotypical is for people that do not have adhd or autism.

SunnySideDownUp · 12/11/2023 22:21

Does it matter if he's ND?

Reading between the lines of your post, you seem to have a set idea of what ASD is and how it manifests. It's really not that simple, each ND person will present slightly differently, at different times in their lives.

My daughter, agreed 3, was apparently definitely not ASD. At 6 she almost certainly is. According to teachers and medical professionals.

She's still my daughter who I love immensely. It just means we need to learn and listen to her more, to understand what she needs to thrive.

Verbena17 · 12/11/2023 22:22

fullbloom87 · 03/08/2023 11:01

My daughter has cerebral palsy and goes to school with children who has autism. With these children it's obvious straight away that they have autism and they definitely will not outgrow it.
I know the spectrum is so incredibly wide these days, but even if your son gets a diagnosis, it doesn't mean much if he still manages to cope with most things.
It's hard to know without meeting him, but from what you've wrote he sounds like a 'normal' little boy to me. Mine were all hard around this age. Demanding all the time, particular about things etc.

This certainly isn’t the case for many autistic children/adults. Some mask their presentation extremely effectively - so that others would not (on the surface) notice they were autistic unless they were to spend much more, in depth time with them.

Verbena17 · 12/11/2023 22:28

@user1477259453
So clinicians in the UK use the ‘Triad of Impairment’ to assess whether a person could be autistic.

There’s loads of info on this online.
If you think your DS might have traits in all three of these areas, and if you wanted your DS assessed, you could speak to your GP (or health visitor before he’s 6) and ask for a referral.

I keep hearing my son might be neurodivergent but I don't feel he is
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