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Child mental health
Should I contact this woman?
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 03/01/2023 23:38
My DD is being bullied to the extent that it’s looking as though we’ll have to change schools. There’s more than one child involved (3 mainly) but the main perpetrator is a boy. He’s physically stronger (there have been incidents of him picking up her bag up off the desk and throwing it to the floor, shoving into her, etc). But worst and most frequent aspect of it is the trying to take her down by constantly name-calling, booing or laughing/making sarcastic comments when she tries to ask or answer a question.
The verbal abuse has been awful. Really horrible names, constantly.
School have been very poor at handling the matter but the Pastoral Care Lead has been off work. The school will not tell me wether they have informed the other parents.
Tonight the mother has posted on the parents’ WhatsApp group asking a practical question about term dates. So I now have her number - she lives in another country. I don’t know about the father.
I would not find it easy but I’m thinking of letting this woman know that her child is making my child utterly miserable. DD is having really bad/frequent nightmares and she’s not eating. She desperately doesn’t want to go back to school.
I’m quite sure he will start on someone else after we’ve gone and do the school will have to deal with him effectively at some point, otherwise they’re at risk of losing pupils often.
Also does anyone know what the best treatment or course of action is to get their child to emanate a “don’t mess with me” vibe? She just cannot find it inside to stand up to them.
CountessWindyBottom · 03/01/2023 23:41
Sorry about your daughter. If the school have not been helpful I would absolutely contact her. I wouldn’t do it by text either, phone her and tell her what’s happening. As a parent I would want to know.
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 03/01/2023 23:54
Thank you for replying @CountessWindyBottom. I think you are right .. he is a boarder so she may well not know. It hadn’t occurred to me to call. Have you ever done it?
Would you just say something along the lines of “your child has been doing x,y,z. I also have evidence in the form of a screenshot of a WhatsApp group. It’s up to you how you address this matter but if I were you I’d be ashamed/ want to know?”
Would you contact the other two sets of parents (they work as a group of 3. Two boys and a girl). I feel we don’t have much to lose now, really.
Nightynightnight · 03/01/2023 23:54
I don't think you contacting her is a good idea. What do you hope to achieve? Go back to the school and put in writing that they are failing in their duty of care and failing to keep your daughter safe from harm. Ask them to detail in writing exactly what they are going to do to protect her. Give them two days. If they don't respond satisfactorily, remove your child.
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:00
Believe me @Nightynightnight i have asked myself many times if it’s a good idea. But moving schools is extremely disruptive for us. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly. That should be indicative of the extent of the bullying. What choices do I have?
In response to what I hope to achieve: Firstly it’s clear to me that any child who is causing as much pain as he is causing must deeply unhappy himself. So she really ought to know.
Secondly, quite frankly if we’re suffering sleepless nights and losing weight with worry and fear, it seems rather unfair that the bully’s family are living in a fool’s paradise.
Shoemadlady · 04/01/2023 00:02
I would contact her but be really nice. It's going to put her back up as your moaning (rightfully so) about her kid.
Try and get her to engage with you to deal with it but if not and school won't do anything I'd contact the police. It's harassment and maybe if the police knock his door it'll do the trick!
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:02
@Nightynightnight I’ve already done that. Well, everything except remove her. Actually the more I think about it the more utterly hopeless I realise they’ve been.
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 04/01/2023 00:02
School should have a process/policy available to you for how bullying is handled and what the escalation routes are for you if you are not seeing an improvement. Follow that process, I suspect that approaching the parent directly is unlikely to improve the situation and could make things worse.
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:04
@Shoemadlady his family live in a different country. I think that’s part of the problem. Him being here and his family being in another country I mean. He is young for this to be the case.
Abcdefgh1234 · 04/01/2023 00:04
I was in similar situation with you last year. My son being bullied a lot. Even the bully pushed him and toss his shoes. He was year 2. I tell his mum nicely, hoping his mum gonna talk with his son. But i was so shocked with her attitude. She was defending her child, she even called me names and really giving me bad attitude. Then i know if children are a bully most likely their parents as not good parent aswell. Maybe they live in a rough household or something. Thank god this year that kid move school and my son been fine ever since.
so in my opinion, dont talk to the mum. Nothing good coming out of it. Just remove your child from the school.
sicknote26 · 04/01/2023 00:07
I would contact her and tell her everything, if it was me and my child, I would want to know. The school aren't helping so what other choice do you have.
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:08
@FatAgainItsLettuceTime when you say make it worse do you mean the bullying will escalate?
I’ve gone through the bullying policy lots of times. Their responses are perfunctory - just ticking boxes. The PC Lead was back just before holidays but I think it’s too late for us.
I have considered it might get worse. But if she leaves anyway …?
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:10
I’m sorry about your son @Abcdefgh1234. What a dreadful woman.
Nightynightnight · 04/01/2023 00:10
Then your only choice is to remove her. I do understand how disruptive that will be but by the sounds of it your girl is hanging on by a thread. I don't believe that bullies to this extent are happy and the root cause of that unhappiness often lies at home. And if that's the case, her knowing he's a bully won't stop him.
MrsMoastyToasty · 04/01/2023 00:14
Have you contacted school governors? Left a review on the Ofsted website?
Nightynightnight · 04/01/2023 00:17
Does your daughter also board? Given that the school is a boarding school and they are even more in loco parentis than a day school, they're lack of action is neglectful and disgusting.
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:19
@MrsMoastyToasty I might do that. We’re new to the school. I think we will probably best just go. I’ve lost confidence in them anyway.
Over the Christmas holidays DD has been begging not to go back.
supernova1234 · 04/01/2023 00:22
If she is bullied in class in front of the teacher, why is the teacher not taking charge of this? Can he not kick them out of the class? Your daughter deserves to learn in an environment, where she's not abused and bullied.
I wouldn't contact the mother - she can then twist your words and it can turn into a big mess. Let the school handle it and contact the mother, that is their job
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:23
@Nightynightnight (really grateful for your time btw) she is registered as a boarder but in reality has only boarded 2 or 3 times. Mainly because of these 2 boys. Obviously they’re in a different house but the houses mingle quite a bit.
I think the reason the school don’t want to address it is because they don’t want to worry his parents. But he is making someone’s life a misery. His family should know.
JustMaggie · 04/01/2023 00:27
Please move your daughter, the school sounds awful. But also if she spent all Christmas break begging not to go back she must utterly hate it there. Forget about contacting the bully's mother and focus on doing what's right for your DD
DemBonesDemBones · 04/01/2023 00:28
As a parent that had to remove my child from a school because of multiple assaults and is now dealing with the fall out two years later, I would tell past me to absolutely contact the parents. I wish they knew the harm their child has done to mine (and, by all accounts is doing to others still).
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 00:30
@supernova1234 the staff have all just been passing the buck around because the woman who would usually handle it and realise the seriousness, has been on compassionate leave.
They have a computer system wherein a subject teacher can log an individual incident; and that did happen with the bag throwing (see above). But in another subject when they were ridiculing her, the teacher didn’t log it. It came up in relation to another matter during our chat on parents’ night and the teacher was fully aware of what had happened (in fact she gave me more details) but she didn’t log it.
TheMightyOak · 04/01/2023 00:30
I don't see why your DD should have to change schools, I'd definitely contact her.
I think a text would be better, then you have everything in writing rather than a phone call where she can twist what's been said. As Shoemadlady says, be nice (to start with at least!!). You never know it might work 🤞
samqueens · 04/01/2023 00:32
I would try contacting her but agree that it’s best to be as positive and inclusive with her as possible if you want to co-opt her useful input.
I think your point about the bully’s state of mind is empathetic and probably spot on, especially if he is boarding and his family are far away. If it were my child I would want to know as well, both because I would be worried about him and because his behaviour is unacceptable.
She may respond in a closed off and unhelpful way, but at least you’ll have taken a shot. Also, it models something good for your daughter I think - that you will take action to stand up for her and that a direct but peaceable approach is a good step to try.
Also agree that writing to governors, cc’ing head teacher, head of year, form tutor, pastoral care and anyone else you can think of would be a good idea.
If she is fully boarding can she temporarily go to day or weekly only to give her some respite while you figure out next steps? Does she have any friends who will stick with her and offer some buffer? How old is she?
As you say, if leaving is seriously on the cards, then trying a conversation probably can’t hurt. It’s awful for her, and you, to be going through this - I’m so sorry.
Nightynightnight · 04/01/2023 00:32
If they were managing it better they wouldn't have to worry his parents. They needed to come down on him and his pals a hell of a lot stronger and quicker. Part of the problem with private schools is that numbers are smaller so there is often nowhere to put the children causing problems. But if logistically possible the problem group should be split up into separate classes, every teacher should be told that there is to be no contact between any of them and your daughter, and they should have been given a warning that any contact at all with your daughter will result in suspension. Which presumably because they are boarders will be a very disruptive and expensive problem for their parents.
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