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Child mental health

Should I contact this woman?

37 replies

Muddledbutwellmeaning · 03/01/2023 23:38

My DD is being bullied to the extent that it’s looking as though we’ll have to change schools. There’s more than one child involved (3 mainly) but the main perpetrator is a boy. He’s physically stronger (there have been incidents of him picking up her bag up off the desk and throwing it to the floor, shoving into her, etc). But worst and most frequent aspect of it is the trying to take her down by constantly name-calling, booing or laughing/making sarcastic comments when she tries to ask or answer a question.

The verbal abuse has been awful. Really horrible names, constantly.

School have been very poor at handling the matter but the Pastoral Care Lead has been off work. The school will not tell me wether they have informed the other parents.
Tonight the mother has posted on the parents’ WhatsApp group asking a practical question about term dates. So I now have her number - she lives in another country. I don’t know about the father.

I would not find it easy but I’m thinking of letting this woman know that her child is making my child utterly miserable. DD is having really bad/frequent nightmares and she’s not eating. She desperately doesn’t want to go back to school.

I’m quite sure he will start on someone else after we’ve gone and do the school will have to deal with him effectively at some point, otherwise they’re at risk of losing pupils often.

Also does anyone know what the best treatment or course of action is to get their child to emanate a “don’t mess with me” vibe? She just cannot find it inside to stand up to them.

OP posts:

samqueens · 04/01/2023 00:35

I would text to set up a time to talk citing unspecific concerns about the school and it’s handling of pupil relationships.

Then have an open conversation at the agreed time, so you know she has space to talk.


LPVV · 04/01/2023 00:36

I am so sorry for you / your DD, and I am also horrified that the school haven’t dealt with this properly in line with the school’s policy. Is the school in the UK? Are there many international boarders? How old are the children? Prep age? Is the school head aware of how serious the situation is?


Muddledbutwellmeaning · 04/01/2023 01:11

@DemBonesDemBones Im so sorry about your child. I swear bullying is more common now than it’s ever been.

@TheMightyOak that’s a good point. Some people say “a bit of a challenge makes you stronger” but I think we’ve reached a tipping point.

The school haven’t answered any of my questions really. Some guff about reflection and reconciliation. The Head does know but doesn’t see fit to get involved. The only way I know that he knows is that he held an assembly about something specific the day after it had been reported.

I very much appreciate everyone’s time and sympathy. Really do.

OP posts:

antipodeancanary · 04/01/2023 01:32

I don't think contacting her will help your daughter. How do you expect a mother that is not even in the same country as the lad to have any influence over his behaviour? If she mentions it to him do you not think the little git will take that up with your daughter? If the school won't help your realistic options are she rides it out and he moves on to a softer target, or she leaves. Only she supported by you knows the best option, but I bet she'd be horrified to hear you plan to contact his mum


PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 04/01/2023 01:39

Please do not send her back

School Bullying still effects my partner and his 44 !

Ring the parents, tell them
Ring Ofsted about the school
Phone the Police
Do not let your child spend one more day there!


Duckingella · 04/01/2023 02:33

It's a boarding school and it's private so your essentially paying for the privilege of your daughter being bullied.

When it comes to money;money and privilege really do speak volumes,maybe the school is too frightened to upset this boys family.

To talk about my own experiences re;teenage girls being bullied by boys;I had this issue with my DD;it was a small group headed by their male ringleader.He (and his friends) were raised with different cultural beliefs than ours,a culture where men are seen as superior to women.He was an absolute entitled horror of a shit bag who not only disrespected girls but his female teachers too.He literally thought he was untouchable.

He made my daughters life hell and I refused to let the school who are terrible at handling bullying roll over to this brat so I placed a formal complaint with the school governors and to the academy trust the school is with (ofsted see this complaints during inspections if they are made to the board of governors).

Sadly a resolution was too little too late with my DD;as it ended up being the end of year11 before anything was done but he was placed on exam leave whilst the other kids stayed in school so my DD didn't have to put up with him and he was banned from prom.

Schools are reluctant to do anything about bully's,it's a long,complicated and expensive process to expel a student.


Muddledbutwellmeaning · 05/01/2023 00:25

@antipodeancanary yeah i can’t disagree with you on anything you’re saying. It could things worse. It’s just I feel a bit desperate.

@PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet love the nickname btw, I hear you. I could have involved the police about the cyber bullying, but just didn’t want to start kicking up an enormous fuss at a new school. I also just couldn’t believe that they thought they’d dealt with. I thought they were just a bit slow with communication.

@Duckingella yep quite often when little or nothing is done it turns out that it’s one of the teacher’s kids, or someone on the BoG’s. Or the bully’s family has been associated with the school for generations and has 5 younger siblings so more 💷 headed the school’s way.
I admire your tenacity in getting something done. Even if it took ages.

I’m so, so disappointed in this school. I really thought they were fair. They made such a thing about altruistic values.
Who were they kidding? Who was I kidding that it wasn’t all just talk.

OP posts:

Muddledbutwellmeaning · 05/01/2023 00:28

@LPVV Thank you. Yes the school is in England. But with a fair few international students, especially the boarders.
They are Year 7.

OP posts:

TheTeenageYears · 05/01/2023 01:19

At this point it sounds like you don't really have much to lose in terms of your relationship with school so look into putting in a DSAR request. It will give you access to all mentions of DD's name on all systems but in particular whatever the school put on any internal system relating to any incidents involving DD - it could be useful to see what's being written by staff and shared internally.


quietnightmare · 05/01/2023 01:38

Go into the school. Demand to speak with the head. Explain you want a meeting with the head, yourself and the other parent understandably the other parent will have to be on Skype or whatever but that's fine and you want it dealt with immediately. Be firm. Make it clear if it's not dealt with your next option will be either

Withdrawing your child
Going above the head to make a formal complaint to the board
Police involvement
Exposing the school condoning bullying to the papers


Daisymay2 · 05/01/2023 09:21

I would give provisional notice, and make it clear that your DD will stay IF this is resolved.
Then make it clear you are looking for a new school.
We had a problem with my DS1 being bullied by the youngest of 3 kids, whose siblings had left.
When I did this for both DS , it was resolved quickly.


MaggieFS · 05/01/2023 09:30

As it's a private school and you are paying for this, you have better leverage because you can move her, and it all honesty, unless there was a particular reason why you want her at that school I would be looking to do so asap. The school are showing themselves to be poorly managed and ineffective.

In the mean time, have you had a face to face meeting with the head? You need to get to the bottom of what they are doing to follow their anti bullying process and the buck stops with the head.

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