How do you parent through school (and everything else) refusal?

[ElfinsMum]

DD (11) has anxiety and I have booked her a GP appointment because she seems depressed now too.

Over the last two-four weeks she has told us she wants to give up all but one of her extra curriculars, her regular exercise and school. She says she wants to just stay in her room indefinitely until she feels better.

Obviously we have explained that this will make her feel worse not better. She has had previous crises so she and we know that her world can just shrink and shrink. But she is screaming at us, shouting, hitting out...the works.

We are finding ourselves pushed into being far more authoritarian than we are comfortable with in these stressful conversations/arguments: "You WILL go to school", "You WILL go to sport", "Right now we know what's right for you and you aren't making good choices". I am scared we are damaging our relationship with her but what the hell else can we do??

I completely understand why you're pushing but don't. It doesn't work (and I'm going through the same thing with an older teenager).

Speak to the school asap and explain the situation. Ask their pastoral lead to help support your daughter. Let her have some time at home while this is going on and explain this to her, with a view to her going back to school when she feels better, or going to school for a morning/afternoon/some days etc. See your gp so they can write a letter to the school re absence.

It's tough but pushing when she's like this will not help, unfortunately. I do feel for you. I

But the advice we previously received from the drs and psych was to get her back to school asap...??

And when she actually does all these things she appears fine....to the point that they look like I have 2 heads when I try to raise how she is behaving at home.

Her teacher has been working with her as much as she is able but DD keeps reporting that she is hating school but she doesn't know why she is feeling like this right now.

Speaking from the schools point of view, you are saying the right things.

There is a difficult balance between being compassionate but not permissive when it comes to school attendance.

If her mental health is affecting school attendance, get CAMHS involve as quickly as possible. There will be a (probably massive) waiting list but at least start on thar waiting list and keep chasing for updates. I say this because if she's still refusing further down the line, school will eventually get to the point where they stop authorising the absences (paving the way for enforcement fines). If she is actively under CAMHS fir her mental health, enforcement is less likely.

In terms of immediate support, speak yo her pastoral lead (head of year, head of house) and ask what support is available. Some options might be:

• Go through her timetable to establish if certain lessons/days are difficult and see what can be done to solve these issues.
• break/lunch spent in nurturing spaces
• change of classes
• being in school but not in class, for example in inclusion suites or SEND department.
• reduced time table

The parental voice through all of this should maintain and reaffirm to the child that being in school, back in lessons and full time is the expectation. It's easy to fall into the permissive perspective and the longer that goes on for the harder it is to reverse.

Does your daughter has ASD or ADHD?

My son is 9YO and autistic and largely anxious about anything that involves leaving the house. Getting him to swimming this morning was a fucking nightmare. I'm dreading high school.

We have non-negotiables. School and swimming. No matter what happens he goes to both of them. I will physically drag him there if i have to. Although currently the threat of needing to go into the office with me (even though i WFH!) seems to convince him school is the better choice. Everything else we take it day by day.

It's draining. I find it very isolating at times that we can't enjoy normal family days out without a tantrum. Or I can't just pop to the supermarket. People don't get that I can't just 'nip' anywhere when I'm home with the kids by myself and I need to wait for DH. But sometimes it's just not worth the battle. 8/10 he enjoys going out but other times he complains the entire time we're out and I just think why the fuck did I bother.

Mine has left school now but when I had this, I'd tell my dd that I had a legal responsibility to take her to school, which is what I did.
When we got there, more often than not she would go in. On the occasions she was reluctant, I would tell her that I understood her feelings, that she had to think about her actions and do what she felt was the right thing for her. Again, she used to go in.

What I did do though was ask school to agree that she didn't have to do dance in PE as this was a big problem for her. Also they agreed she could drop German GCSE as the oral part sent her anxiety through the roof.
She was allowed to go to the library for independent study which most definitely brought her maths grade up.

Oh I should say she has ASD.

What is she doing when she is in her room?

Does she have a phone, TV or computer in there?

She listens to HP audiobooks and plays/watches TV on tablet. Today my DH took the tablet off her as she had spent too much time on it already this weekend and he didn't want her room to be any more cosy and attractive.

Between the teacher and us, we haven't managed to isolate a particular part of school that is causing the trouble. Based on previous, probably friendship/social problems at break times rather than in the classroom.

Following thread. Have the same issue with my 10yr old. It's so upsetting isn't it x

We've had (have) this. All extra curricular sport has stopped, school obviously is non negotiable but it's how you get them there. For us, it's been walking DC to class and being there at the end of day to collect from school room.

Covid meant I had to drop from school car line and collect same way. It was too much for DC waiting, waiting, waiting for me.

They have said they want a break from sport, so we gave them that. We're also looking at tennis as it seems the team sports are too much at the moment.

It's just so hard as a parent when your DC feel like this 💔

We're going through this here too and I'm finding it difficult to strike the balance between being supportive and understanding and not offering an easy 'out'. I have self referred to camhs for support through school and have a meeting with head of pastoral care on first day back after half term but I'm not really sure what to suggest school do to support her, most of their suggestions, or mind for that matter, so far seem to make her more anxious! She hides it well when she's actually there but talks about regularly spiralling which involves blurred vision, breathing fast and being 'frozen' and completely unable to focus on any learning or ask to leave the room (she has a time out pass for this but can't seem to use it). I am very interested to know how it is impacting her learning so far this year. She has a trip abroad planned next year and I just can't see how she will manage it if she can't manage school some days but she's adamant she still wants to go.

Going through this at the moment and at end of my tether. Dd10 has ASD, she refuses to eat breakfast or get dressed for school. She says she's itchy doesn't like how she looks etc. I'm a single mum who simply has to work therefore she has to go to school. She comes out of school and happily tells me about her day so I honestly think that when she is here she is ok and the teacher and sen back this up. I think it's the transition from home to school that's the issue. I have had a lot of running around last week sorting out my mums funeral and she has been worse then ever. Ashamed to say I lost my temper with her on more then one occasion. It's hell.

I would take the fuse out of the TV and all tablets and screens etc would be locked away unless she went to school.

Oh op so sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s so bloody hard!! Talking from experience the more you push the harder they push back. They need compassion, hand holding, listening and understanding. I learnt the hard way with my eldest attempting suicide. The anxiety is real and sometimes forcing them into a situation can be very damaging. Is it so terrible to do as your daughter requests and let her stay safely at home until she feels better? Please have a look at this website. I found her book enormously helpful.

parentingmentalhealth.org/about-partnering/

Check out Naomi Fisher on Twitter etc shes excellent and often runs webinars on school refusal/anxiety! Very interesting

@ComplexNeeds I did let her stay home the first time she had a crisis. She missed half a term of school and ended up spending a week as an in patient, which terrified her. I will do just about anything to avoid that happening again.

This is incredibly hard. I’m in a school
and we have a child as you describe. They’re on the CAMHs list but it’s a long wait. When in school they are absolutely fine - you wouldn’t pick them out from the others. Find it frustrating as not sure how to support.
I’m really sorry that this is happening.

Oh bless you! It’s so so so hard!! We don’t know what’s best do we and we try everything.
I didn’t understand at all and made mistakes. I was surrounded by others who didn’t understand either including school. We all pushed too hard. I was lucky that she was unsuccessful!!!

It's very stressful so sorry you are going through this. There is some good advice upthread.
My DD started to school refuse, barricade herself in her room in year 8. She has since been diagnosed with autism.
Some DC cope and mask in primary school then secondary school and puberty is like a time bomb going off and they can't cope.
Initially I also pushed and told her she must go to school , see her friends etc. For my DD that approach didn't work and made everything worse.
Reduced timetable also didn't work as she then missed so much work that she got stressed about being behind and friendships drifted.
Really it's like being between a rock and a hard place and it's a very difficult journey to navigate.
What kinda worked for us:
Communicating openly
with school.
Trying to put measures in place such as a calm area in school she could retreat to.
Pushing for CAMHS referral for both ASC and depression
Getting private help when couldn't get help from camhs( long waiting list then camhs told she wasn't able to engage)
Medication- need child psychiatrist to prescribe
Fighting for an education she could access, such as tuition service, this is a battle but in our case worth it.
If she is out of school for a certain length if time the LA need to provide this but it isn't easy to get.
Accepting where she is right now ( this is very hard, I was in denial!)
Taking DD out of school for MH,(ie like the sick leave an adult would get ) and removing all pressure.
Helps to have medical proffesionals support for this.
I would recommend a book called never let go by Suzanne Alderton .
Ignore people who give well meaning advice but have never been in this situation .
Good luck

Also if you haven't already done so apply for a EHCP assessment

There’s a fine balance between encouraging attendance and preventing non-attendance becoming a vicious circle and self fulfilling prophecy and pushing too much and causing further harm.

And when she actually does all these things she appears fine....to the point that they look like I have 2 heads when I try to raise how she is behaving at home.

This sounds like DD is masking. Not uncommon. What you describe is the coke bottle effect.

What support are the school providing? Does DD have an EHCP? If not applying for an EHCNA is a good idea.

As Runner posted, if DD can’t attend school full time the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative full time education. This should begin once it becomes clear DD will miss 15 days - the days don’t need to be consecutive or have already been missed. On its own a reduced timetable should only be short term aimed at reintegration. Longer term DD should be in school full time or the LA should be providing alternative education some/all of the time.

We had this with older teen. Subsequently diagnosed with ADHD. CAMHS took 3 months to get in touch . Wasted a lot of time. Trying to force them into school was a nightmare - and ultimately unachievable. I wish ds had been able to join lessons by Zoom at least, and that school had been more proactive in sending work across.

The responsibility for providing education to CSA pupils unable to attend school lies with the LA not the school. That could have been virtual lessons. Even where schools do send work home it isn’t enough to relieve the LA of their duties.

DD2 was in the situation. Everything the school tried made it worse and she went from finding it hard to go into school, to finding it hard to go into lessons, to finding it hard to go into the SEN department, to a reduced timetable, to complete non-attendance.

For her, it was her ASD and her needs not being met. I applied for an EHCP, got assessments that showed her needs, and the LA funded a place in an independent specialist school. She's been there one half term and the difference in her already is amazing. Still a long way to go.

The website I recommended ‘Partnering Mental Health’ is run by Suzanne Alderton, the same person who wrote ‘Never Let Go’ as recommended by @Runnerduck34 - there’s also a FB group too. Super supportive and zero judgement. They run listening circles to support each other as we all know how hideously hard this is.