6 year old struggling with her size

[meandpip]

How do you talk to a 6 year old about weight without it becoming a 'thing'. My dd is a 'bigger' girl, she is one of the youngest in her class but one of the tallest and is definitely 'strong'; she came home from school the day saying she wanted to loose weight because she was too heavy. It broke my heart! She is not overweight, we are very active and are out every day cycling, playing sports and in the summer swimming etc, climbing trees...but she IS bigger than most of her peers at school. I know in the past boys have called her fat.
How do I go about discussing weight and food without it becoming a negative conversation?
Thanks so much in advance x

Maybe try and show her examples of female role models who have a 'bigger' physique? Don't point them out for their size specifically, but make positive statements about their achievements.

I wouldn't talk too much about weight at this stage. Just tell her that she is a perfectly healthy weight for her height so she doesn't need to worry.

Encourage her to appreciate what her body can do, rather than what it looks like. Show her sporting role models, Gina Carano etc. Teach her not to judge others too.

Don't put her on a diet, and discourage strongly any thoughts of it if it comes from her. Sneak positive influences of strong girls and women into her life. My daughter was stressed about being 'bony' (she isn't, she's just slim athletic but her close friends are bigger bodied and were pointing out differences...not nastily just observation/innocent comparison comments). Watching some athletes with similar bodies seemed to help (strong lithe climbers, gymnasts etc) but I did it as covertly as I could! Maybe watch a documentary about women doing a sport she's interested in?

Have you looked at her weight compared to her height?

Sorry, that was a bit blunt.

I mean, you can then show her that she’s not overweight. Or if you find she is you can start thinking about how to nip it in the bud.

DS was 7 when I found him crying in the shower cos he doesn't want to be fat. He's in the healthy range of BMI but we live in an area with seriously skinny kids (some of their mums are worried cos they're underweight) and he was getting bullied.

We emphasized health and strength. We also cut down slowly on portions and snacks. We praise DS for his strength e.g. he can do push ups one handed and has great stamina for walking and cycling.

We have discussed healthy food and Ive also said that your body NEEDS food but a good balance of different food and that its not good just to stop eating.

4PawsGood - not blunt at all! We don't own scales so I don't know what she weighs but was thinking of getting her weighed just as a check up. Unfortunately I have a history of EDs, in recovery now but easily triggered.

@InvincibleInvisibility

DS was 7 when I found him crying in the shower cos he doesn't want to be fat. He's in the healthy range of BMI but we live in an area with seriously skinny kids (some of their mums are worried cos they're underweight) and he was getting bullied.

We emphasized health and strength. We also cut down slowly on portions and snacks. We praise DS for his strength e.g. he can do push ups one handed and has great stamina for walking and cycling.

We have discussed healthy food and Ive also said that your body NEEDS food but a good balance of different food and that its not good just to stop eating.

I'm so sorry, that must've been heartbreaking. It's definitely something that needs to be discussed but it's finding the balance and not wanting to demonise foods.

That's a great idea about discussing what she is able to do, it's just so sad that this all starts so young, even when you feel you've done everything you can to avoid it happening.

You need to explain it's because she's so tall and fit.

Height makes a massive difference to weight. Also explain although she's tall now when she is much older at secondary school it could all change.

@BonesJones

Don't put her on a diet, and discourage strongly any thoughts of it if it comes from her. Sneak positive influences of strong girls and women into her life. My daughter was stressed about being 'bony' (she isn't, she's just slim athletic but her close friends are bigger bodied and were pointing out differences...not nastily just observation/innocent comparison comments). Watching some athletes with similar bodies seemed to help (strong lithe climbers, gymnasts etc) but I did it as covertly as I could! Maybe watch a documentary about women doing a sport she's interested in?

Thank you, this is really helpful xx

I know that this may sound rude, but I promise that it comes from a sincere place. If your daughter is larger than everyone else at school and is also acknowledging her size are you sure that she isn't overweight? Being active and being overweight aren't mutually exclusive. I was a very active child, lots of sport and dance classes but I was overweight and knew it. My Mum gave me portions of food that were too large for my age and many unnecessary snacks for "energy". I don't blame her, it wasn't malicious and her own idea of normal weight and portions is skewed-as it is for many people nowadays. Body confidence is great and incredibly important, but we need to encourage the younger generation to also look after themselves and keep to healthy weights.

It's a tough problem to approach, my Mum did absolutely and I still ended up with disordered eating and anorexia in my teenage years that I am still struggling with at the age of 27. Maybe small alterations to diet and portion size that the whole family can adopt so that she doesn't notice that it's for her benefit.

@TheVeryHungryTortoise

I know that this may sound rude, but I promise that it comes from a sincere place. If your daughter is larger than everyone else at school and is also acknowledging her size are you sure that she isn't overweight? Being active and being overweight aren't mutually exclusive. I was a very active child, lots of sport and dance classes but I was overweight and knew it. My Mum gave me portions of food that were too large for my age and many unnecessary snacks for "energy". I don't blame her, it wasn't malicious and her own idea of normal weight and portions is skewed-as it is for many people nowadays. Body confidence is great and incredibly important, but we need to encourage the younger generation to also look after themselves and keep to healthy weights.

It's a tough problem to approach, my Mum did absolutely and I still ended up with disordered eating and anorexia in my teenage years that I am still struggling with at the age of 27. Maybe small alterations to diet and portion size that the whole family can adopt so that she doesn't notice that it's for her benefit.

It's not rude at all, topics like this can be very triggering but they need to be discussed. You are right, I am wondering if she does have too much food...not passing the blame on but when she goes to her father's for the weekend it is always very food orientated, they get pizza and macdonalds etc. I limit the takeaways and cook her fresh food but she does have a big appetite. I'm going to call the docs and get her weighed and checked over. I was the same growing up and ended up with 17 years of disordered eating, I don't want the same to happen to her. You honesty and openess is appreciated

The was you describe her I have a feeling she probably is overweight. I would get her weighed and measured and check.

@Hellocatshome

The was you describe her I have a feeling she probably is overweight. I would get her weighed and measured and check.

I've just made an appointment to at the doctors. Thank you :)

IF she is overweight (confirmed by doctor) then I would change eating habits as a family so she doesn't feel singled out and it doesn't develop into an unhealthy relationship with food. Sit down with her and discuss healthy meal ideas, get her involved with the cooking and preparing etc.

OP, food is often heavily tied up in emotional issues. I wonder if, because of your own history of eating disorders, you may have been unconsciously giving your DD larger portions as a way of compensating, or trying to ensure she doesn’t become underweight herself?
That is by no means meant as a criticism of you, I just think it’s often worth looking at the parent’s attitudes and hang ups around food when a child presents with weight problems.
How would you feel about reducing your DD’s calorie intake somewhat? Would it be stressful or triggering for you?

It is so difficult when you don't have control over nutrition at the weekends. You're handling this really well. Are you able to discuss with her Dad?

I completely understand your concerns, I have a 2 year old son (and yes, I know boys can also develop disordered eating) but whenever I think about potentially having a girl next I get a lump in my throat thinking about her ending up with the mindset that I have. It is probably too early right now but when she's a little bit older I'd suggest an open conversation about your history of disordered eating. These disorders do unfortunately have a strong genetic link and if she has a preoccupation with her size already it is so important to keep your discussions open.

Regarding the GP appointment: could you contact them to put a note on the appointment slot for the GP to read before hand saying that your daughter is sensitive about this issue and there is a family history of eating problems, so can they be discreet? I think having a "weighing" appointment where the focus is on your daughter's insecurity could be a lot for her. If it could be framed as a childhood wellbeing check or something that just so happens to have a height and weight check it won't register as a big deal for her.

Op I'm also concerned about my ds who's 10, he's also very tall for his age is very sporty, rides a bike or scooter wherever we go but is clearly larger than a few in his class.

I weighed him the other day and put it the nhs site and from that he is deemed to be overweight, he's starting to feel the pressure from other kids as they are now calling him fat, so I will be also going to the doctors to get some support for him.
He's also a twin and his brother is shorter and alot slimmer than him and when I say slim, he looks very underweight for his age and height but is also showing as overweight on the nhs site so try not to be too concerned and most definitely concentrate on being healthy as a family rather than just singling out your dd.

Good luck.

Also just to add he has a very healthy appetite and loves his food, which I know is my my as I'm the one dishing him up larger portions than his brother, who eats like a squirrel.

@meandpip, when you talk to your dd about going to the doctor, tell her it’s about learning how to eat well so she can do all the things she wants, sports etc...
It’s not about her being too big/tall/fat.

Otherwise she might well think that actually the other kids at school are right because her mum is taking her to the doctor just for that iyswim.

Yes I would definitely to frame the doctors visit as one of those routine things that have to be done rather than something you have organised specifically.

I have made an appointment and have put SO many notes on there! I will defo just do it as a 'routine' check up'. We don't have scales in the house so that concept has kind of escaped her. I will take a note as well to pass to the doctor when we go in to not say out loud if she is overweight and to write it down for me so I can look into it later.
I actually eat really healthily, and she does too but I can see where I may be slipping up with crisps/chocolates etc. She has displayed PDA characteristics as well so can react quite a lot if she hears a no to a 'treat', even if there is something else on offer, she very much likes the same things all the time.
Thank you for all the support everyone xx

@TheVeryHungryTortoise thank you for your message xx I defo need to talk to her Dad, he is very overweight and they constantly eat takeaways etc.
I didn't think this would all come out when she is so young, it breaks my heart but I need to build the foundations now so she sees food differently to how I did growing up. xx

Wishing you and your daughter well!

Just as a side point. It is interesting that you mention PDA, do you have a suspicion of ASD? Do you see any of those traits in yourself too? I’m in a medical field and there is research suggesting connections between girls/women with undiagnosed autism and eating disorders. I’m actually looking into chasing a diagnosis for myself, as learning this has made everything a lot clearer for me. Might be something for you to explore further if you think that it may apply here.

@Hellocatshome

The was you describe her I have a feeling she probably is overweight. I would get her weighed and measured and check.

I agree. Trying to convince her that she's absolutely fine when she's bigger than her peers mightn't be the wisest path to take. Wasn't she weighed and measured in Reception?