11 year old DD having huge temper tantrums

[Bellini12]

I am after any advice for my 11 yo DD. She is a sweet, polite, model child at school but lately turns into a defiant, bolshy, argumentative madam when at home. She literally has temper tantrums, reminiscent of when she was a toddler; rolling around on the floor, screaming blue murder, shouting insults at me, throwing things, says she wants to kill me, she wants to die, she hates herself etc. They can go on for ages. When she calms down, the smallest thing can set her off again.

Some background - she has always been an extremely sensitive, emotional child. Always very hard on herself and puts herself down. Teachers would say she was always lacking confidence but a very capable child. Doesn't like change. We have previously had a few sessions with CAMHS over some serious sleep issues.
She was showing these traits before, but since starting her new secondary (she had a fantastic year 6 the year before), the arguments, battles and meltdowns have increased to a worrying degree.
She has gone to a different school from all her friends (who all went into the same form) in the big local school. She misses them terribly (but sees them at the weekend). There was one girl she knew before who is being mean to her every day (I believe her). She said she doesn't mind school, but worries she isn't making friends (yet talks of the fun she's having with new girls), says she feels dumb (she's not and has been placed in the top sets), and is really struggling with the year 7 homework (she really hasn't had that much lately). It's not the subject matter, its the fact she just doesn't want to do it! On Sunday, she battled against homework so much that the tantrums were on and off for 3 hours. We were all exhausted afterwards. iPad/phone has been banned (which of course makes her more angry!). The Head of Year says to 'let her fail', but I know my daughter, and this will just add to her feelings of being useless. She said (in a calm moment) that she does want my help.

I am so heartbroken and am at a loss.... I've spoken with the school counsellor but she is obviously very busy. She gave me a few tips (ignore the tantrums, stay calm, set boundaries etc). What is most worrying me is that she is getting increasingly violent - pushing, shoving and doing this to her older sister too. She is also showing signs of self-loathing and was screaming and head butting her bedroom wall. It was so distressing. I am so worried this is a slippery slope to self harming.

Do you think it would be wise to take her to a therapist/psychologist? She said she doesn't want to see the school counsellor as doesn't want to be deemed as being 'special case' in front of the other kids. The counsellor reassured me that this behaviour wasn't unusual. I also think hormones have a lot to answer for.

But I'm at the end of my tether now. I can't bear seeing her like this and I'm feeling on edge every day not knowing what behaviour I'm going to get. I"m here to love her, listen to her and make her transition to secondary smoother but she's battling me at every hurdle. Sorry for the essay!

Therapist idea sounds wise.

You sound like a lovely mum. Your daughter stands every chance of coming out of the other side of this well, with your proactive attitude.

Has she started her periods? IE is there a cycle of hormone rush every few weeks? Worth tracking.

I think the behaviour is 'unusual' - it sounds quite extreme.

I would get her checked by an educational psychologist, if it is schoolwork that is causing to be so upset.

Read up on ASD - presents really differently in girls. Not saying it definitely is but worth considering. Your DD sounds like mine.

Thanks for your kind replies. This behaviour hasn't been all the time, it has just ramped up since she started secondary school. Before, she used to be more emotional, lots of crying etc. if she was having friendship issues at school, but she was generally happy at school. She is also quite a negative person and very hard on herself. We have always tried to be supportive and encouraging and not pressurise her.

But things seem to have escalated quickly.

I'm going to see how this week goes, she has been battling against having a few bits of homework and the iPad ban (not that she can't do the homework, she just resents doing it!). But otherwise may go to the GP to have a chat. Clearly her reactions have been extreme.

My gut doesn't say ASD, I have read up on it in the past, I think it is the huge transition to secondary school when her friends have gone elsewhere (it's a small, nurturing school and her sister is doing well there). She wants instant friends now and misses that close bond. She feels a bit lost.

But she clearly has a problem with demonstrating her emotions and has a terrible anger! These need to be dealt with. The head butting was a new thing.

I just need tips on how to deal with it. I have felt so drained with it all.

Also hormones... can it really send pre teens this angry and resentful?
Will start tracking the behaviour. She's only turned 11 in the summer and am pretty sure periods aren't imminent (going on her sister).

Headbutting the wall isn't a slippery slope to self harm, it is self harm. Your DD sounds seriously distressed. Take her back to CAMHS.

I'd also say ASD the transition to secondary school is often a point when difficulties become more evident. Her anxiety is probably off the scale and the outbursts are only a symptom. You need an urgent referral to CAMHS and to ask for an assessment for ASD. Read about how ASD presents in females and more specifically masking to get an understanding before she sees CAMHS.

You're probably right Tableclothing, it is self-harm.

She got so wound up she did it twice, I shouted at he to stop and she did instantly.
The counsellor has said some of this behaviour may be for my benefit. Generally if she is angry and upset then she will go to her room and eventually calm down. But it scares me how this could escalate. I see this as a warning sign.

I'm pleased to report though, we are having a better evening tonight. She has been calmer and done her homework with no nagging! (The night is still young!)

A psychologist would be a good start. Maybe there’s a trigger for this behaviour and they will be able to get to the bottom of it and help your DD.

Or they might, like the psychologist who saw my DD, a little older than yours, who fell apart in Year 8 after being very successful emotionally, socially and academically in primary school, and they might tell you they think she has ASD.

It was the last thing I expected, but my deep thinking, kind, sensitive DD had been able to mask it from us all at primary school. The increase in demands at secondary school meant she no longer could.

Luckily, after a year, everything’s heading in the right direction. I don’t think a school counsellor would have the expertise to know whether it is that for your DD or not, and very kindly, I don’t think you do either.

Asd sprung to my mind.

Sounds similar to my autistic ds when he transferred to secondary - including head butting walls.

Definitely seek out a child psych for professional opinion and support.

I have a son and a daughter with autism so for me I would stop punishing because you wouldn't punish her for displaying symptoms of any other illness and anxiety is an illness. I'd speak to the school about what support they can give. Is the homework necessary? Can it be reduced? Can it be done in school? I'd give back the ipad and the phone because she probably uses them to self regulate and it's like removing a crutch from someone unable t walk. When she is calm talk to her about what would help when she is angry or upset. Would she like you to sit quietly close by or would she like to be left alone to calm down? Would she like to talk about what's making her distressed or could she leave you a note? Would she like something soft and furry to hug or wrap herself in or beanbags to throw at the wall? Let her see you are on her side and want to help if she will let you.

I have read up on ASD at length before. I am aware of girls and how they mask it. I will read more. I haven't come across other warning signs in the past (read up in reference to someone else).

She is the youngest in the year and we have always felt she would have benefitted (confidence wise) to be in the year below. She has gone to a new school with already established friendship groups and misses her old friends plus also dealing with all the year 7 challenges. I get the crying meltdowns, just not how extreme they have got.

Good, interesting points, thank you. Child psychologist may be the way to go.

If that is the case, do I go to the GP first? Or find someone privately? Do they have to be referred?

They are an indicator of just how distressed she is though. Please do not take advice from anyone who tells you a child in distress and hurting themselves is doing it for your benefit as that is just pig ignorant and I wouldn't be listening to anyone who advised allowing your child to fail rather than offering strategies to support. If these two pieces of advice are indicative of the school's pastoral support then no wonder your child is suffering.

You can go to your GP and get a referral. We were a bit desperate as DD’s behaviour was extreme and frightening for her and us. I rang round private child psychologists until I found one with a space. We were fortunate she understood us and DD. We wouldn’t be where we are now without her.

Also agree with The number of times i’ve been told DD’s behaviour is attention seeking! Actually no - she’s stressed and anxious and doesn’t always read the room correctly.

It makes me sad that attention-seeking is the go to for bad behaviour in teenage girls.

Should say agree with hiredandsqueak

If that is the case, do I go to the GP first? Or find someone privately? Do they have to be referred?

Unfortunately, child and adolescent mental health is a postcode lottery. If you feel comfortable saying which NHS trust you're under, someone on here may be able to give area-specific advice (they may not, of course).

If you can afford to go private (it is costly: most people I know who have sought private treatment have had insurance from their job) then you're looking for a Clinical Psychologist (that's a protected title) or psychiatrist, who has experience working with children and young people. Both of these should be using the title Dr, they should be registered with the HCPC.

NHS: it varies by area. Sometimes the service that provides psychological support to those under 16 is called CAMHS, sometimes it is called CYPS, sometimes it is called something else. You'll need to Google.

How to get to see them? Again, it varies. You may need a referral from your GP. You may be able to self-refer.

How long will you be waiting? Piece of string, unfortunately. Services vary enormously - it could be very quick, it could be years. I'm sorry that that is the situation in this country in 2019.

Whoever you speak to, make sure you tell them that your DD has expressed a wish to die and that she had expressed a wish to kill you and that she has harmed herself, even if you are 100% sure that she is quite safe and she doesn't do these things again between now and the meeting. That information should help her get seen faster; don't leave it out.

As for the idea that your DD is putting it on for your benefit... All behaviour is communication. Your DD is communicating her distress and need for help.

My dd is also very sensitive. I remember when she was getting mean comments every day from a kid every day at school her behaviour rapidly deteriorated at home. She would behave in a horrible bullying way to her brother - I knew something was happening as she was acting out so unhappily and it turned out to be the mean comments and thankfully the teacher moved this kid away so she didn’t sit next to him everyday and things got better. Anyway I’m saying this because I wonder what this mean girl is saying to your dd - words really can hurt (as we all know) and it could be massively affecting her. And she doesn’t have her close friends around her to offset the mean remarks.
Have you ever read the book the Highly Sensitive Child? Not sure how much it will help but might do.
But yeah therapy would be good. It’s so hard what kids go through

I don’t think I phrased my post very well... I’m very tired. I know of course there’s far more going on than just sensitivity, others have put in some much better advice...

It makes me sad that attention-seeking is the go to for bad behaviour in teenage girls.

Just in the abstract, it makes me really angry that attention-seeking is so often viewed as an unreasonable thing for children to do. Its completely natural. We all want attention. We all want to feel loved and listened to. If a child IS attention seeking... give them some attention, fgs.

That is a general comment about people using 'attention seeking' as a put down term, not having a go at OP. I feel the same about phrase of the moment "very dramatic", as though people are not allowed to have feelings or get upset. You'd think we'd moved on from the emotionally-repressed veneration of the stiff upper lip, but we haven't at all.

You have explained that really well tableclothing. It helps me understand why it bothers me so much.

I would like to add, DD has had 3 big meltdowns in 3 months, but 2 recently (and lots of tears on other days due to the school transition).

The comments on 'i want to kill you' and 'i want to die' are new. I honestly don't for one second think she means this. She doesn't seem depressed or down any other time (I don't believe that is an act, I know my daughter, she is a jolly little thing). She was raging as I had said no to the iPad. We felt she was getting addicted (too much use in the summer holiday etc). She doesn't swear at me, but I guess this was her way at communicating how angry she was at me coupled with her general feeling of being unsettled which is confusing her. I would love to hear a professionals take on this.

I have definitely been given food for thought tonight. I feel quite shell-shocked. I honestly thought this was due to hormones and big changes. I need to investigate further. And if it isn't ASD, to at least learn how to deal with it as life will only get tougher for our kids.

(I have got the sensitive child book btw).

Hello Bellini, I signed up as a this is literally exactly what is happening with my dad (11 years old). It started a year ago with a new school. It started with crying and has moved into raging tantrums. Today's has gone on for about 6 hours. What's happened with your daughter please??