I am after any advice for my 11 yo DD. She is a sweet, polite, model child at school but lately turns into a defiant, bolshy, argumentative madam when at home. She literally has temper tantrums, reminiscent of when she was a toddler; rolling around on the floor, screaming blue murder, shouting insults at me, throwing things, says she wants to kill me, she wants to die, she hates herself etc. They can go on for ages. When she calms down, the smallest thing can set her off again.
Some background - she has always been an extremely sensitive, emotional child. Always very hard on herself and puts herself down. Teachers would say she was always lacking confidence but a very capable child. Doesn't like change. We have previously had a few sessions with CAMHS over some serious sleep issues.
She was showing these traits before, but since starting her new secondary (she had a fantastic year 6 the year before), the arguments, battles and meltdowns have increased to a worrying degree.
She has gone to a different school from all her friends (who all went into the same form) in the big local school. She misses them terribly (but sees them at the weekend). There was one girl she knew before who is being mean to her every day (I believe her). She said she doesn't mind school, but worries she isn't making friends (yet talks of the fun she's having with new girls), says she feels dumb (she's not and has been placed in the top sets), and is really struggling with the year 7 homework (she really hasn't had that much lately). It's not the subject matter, its the fact she just doesn't want to do it! On Sunday, she battled against homework so much that the tantrums were on and off for 3 hours. We were all exhausted afterwards. iPad/phone has been banned (which of course makes her more angry!). The Head of Year says to 'let her fail', but I know my daughter, and this will just add to her feelings of being useless. She said (in a calm moment) that she does want my help.
I am so heartbroken and am at a loss.... I've spoken with the school counsellor but she is obviously very busy. She gave me a few tips (ignore the tantrums, stay calm, set boundaries etc). What is most worrying me is that she is getting increasingly violent - pushing, shoving and doing this to her older sister too. She is also showing signs of self-loathing and was screaming and head butting her bedroom wall. It was so distressing. I am so worried this is a slippery slope to self harming.
Do you think it would be wise to take her to a therapist/psychologist? She said she doesn't want to see the school counsellor as doesn't want to be deemed as being 'special case' in front of the other kids. The counsellor reassured me that this behaviour wasn't unusual. I also think hormones have a lot to answer for.
But I'm at the end of my tether now. I can't bear seeing her like this and I'm feeling on edge every day not knowing what behaviour I'm going to get. I"m here to love her, listen to her and make her transition to secondary smoother but she's battling me at every hurdle. Sorry for the essay!