Really not sure what to do. Warning trigger sexual abuse

[Ms82]

Hi, first time poster. I'm really at my breaking point with my 10 year old, she disclosed sexual abuse by her grandfather when she was younger and we are currently going through a police investigation. Been to camhs after years of them fobbing us off while she tried and threatened to take her own life (she tried to jump out of her bedroom window at 5 and recently I caught her in her bedroom with a knife after she'd written goodbye notes to us all) and they've diagnosed ptsd complex trauma, anxiety and depression and attachment disorder, she also has 'quirks' such as eye contact, food issues, talking in an American accent, walking on tip toes, coordination problems (difficultly with using a knife and fork at the same time, bumping into things and a few other quirks. The main issue I'm having is her meltdowns, she is driving everyone away, I could cope to a point when she was lashing out at me kicking and hitting and swearing etc but it's tipped over onto grandparents (obviously other grandparents not the abusers she hasn't seen that side of family since disclosure) and friends who she's always loved. I've had to take her out of main stream school and am currently home schooling her as she couldn't cope at all and I was being called from work daily to get her. Her hormones are also raging, I know as she is growing boobs and hair and is greasy and spotty but her attitude is just awful and I can't speak to her without being called a bitch or hit out at. She doesn't qualify for counselling yet until police have done their investigation so no help and we are waiting to go back to camhs, they put her on rispiridone but she was really ill with it so I've had to stop. I don't know how to help her anymore and how to keep going. She's nearly at her 10th birthday and she's spent most of her life so unhappy I just want her to be happy and to be a child while she can, it's almost like she sabotage feeling good, like she can't allow herself to be happy, I know from her outbursts she feels like her abuser saw something rotten in her and knew she was bad and thats why he did it but I can't get through to her that that's really not true, she hates herself and it seems like she is determined to be alone but also sad that she's lonely. I caught her tablet search history and it was how to not be a freak, how to make friends and asking Google to be her friend(she did this when she figured out the code normally she can't access Internet, code has been changed) .I don't know what to do.

Hi there Ms82,

We're so sorry to hear what a difficult time your daughter and you, too, have had. What an awful and complex situation.

We didn't want to read and run so we're just bumping this thread in hopes that someone might be along to help you soon. You could also try posting in the main mental health section, or over in Relationships, where there are lots of really helpful posters, some of whom might have some words of wisdom.

We really hope you manage to find a way to help your daughter through this.

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Whilst I don't wish to do an armchair diagnosis, asd does stand out as a possibility. I would go to Cambs and ask for an assessment. And don't take no for an answer. I had to do it for years and eventually they listened. Also young minds might be a useful source of information for you. youngminds.org.uk

Camus, sorry

Ffs bloody auto correct! CAMHS

So sad OP. Can you afford private play therapy? I think she would benefit from this. If you can't afford it you could apply for DLA (yes she does have enough need). And maybe then apply to the Family Fund. Has she been referred to Neurodevelopment for autism assessment? If not see your GP about this.

I was paying for private therapy, it was expensive as I'm a single parent and my hours got dropped having to pick her up from school so much but I was doing it until we went to the police and was advised that her going could affect court as the other side could say she's been coached to say certain things. I will definitely check young minds, I have also copied this into the general mental health section and the relationships as advised, thanks so much for your help just getting truly desperate. Thanks.

I hope the grandfather who abused her gets locked away for the rest of his life. I hope that while he is in prison true justice is served by fellow inmates.
In the meantime your daughter needs urgent help and it is not right that she has to delay getting help until after the court case, because the damage is getting worse the longer she goes without help .

I've heard the term therapeutic parenting but I'm not 100% sure what it is, is there a good website or book you can recommend for me to look into it please. I've bought books on trauma in children and also books we can do activities together about trauma and her emotions, I can't seem to get through to her that she isn't to blame and that she's not rotten or unworthy. I feel like im fighting all the time between her, the gp, camhs etc Im so tired, not that I would ever give up I just feel completely stuck in a rut.

https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=HWFIDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA24&source=gbsselectedd_pages&cad=2#v=onepage&q&f=false

Try ringing MOSAC (think it has a more gender neutral name now, than Mothers of Sexually Abused Children), they must be familiar with the court case blocking therapy problem. Have read of this and thought it must be horrific, your traumatised child being denied professional help. There’s also the Lundy Bancroft book, sorry can’t remember title, about sexual abuse of children. And I’d agree re therapeutic parenting. You must get support yourself too, don’t forget that xxx

Contact The NSPCC they run therapeutic services for dc who have experienced sexual abuse, called Letting the future in. This only happens in some areas but it means that they are well connected and if they don't run the service where you are may well know an agency that does.
CAMHS tend not to specialize in this work.
It is possible for your dd to receive therapeutic services after she has given her police interviews but before any court case is heard. The therapist would need to be familiar with the home office guidelines that have been published to cover this. Again the NSPCC should be able to advise.

Thank you, so sorry didn't mean to disappear, I honestly don't know where the days are going! It got quite weird for a while with camhs saying she had the start of a personality disorder (common in abuse victims apparently) and although shes far to young for diagnosis they wanted to treat her with the therapy for that but had to get permission as she's formally too young for the therapy that's what they said anyway but I don't know if that's correct everywhere, I went a bit crazy mum so I have contacted just about everyone from loads of charities I found online and mind who was recommended here and got through to a lovely lady who works for an abuse charity. She contacted another person from survivors UK who passed on my emails to new pathways and camhs and another non abusing parent support charity , new pathways got in touch and are applying to the cps to give her counselling before court date as she needs it. Camhs have got a child pysch coming in to see her on a 121 basis and new pathways are also going to give me support as they said that children often start to feel better and more secure the more the parent feels stronger and I'll be in a better position to give her support if I'm feeling better and have support. I feel a bit more positive as I seem to finally be getting a good team in place to support her. It's baby steps but at least I know people are listening and care about her. Thanks so much for your replies xx

I'm so pleased you seem to be getting some support and guidance OP. It's impossible to tackle these things alone. In order for you to help you daughter you need support yourself. She is very lucky to have a Mum like you and I really hope things start to improve for you both soon.