DD (10) worried she’s going to die

[MegCleary]

Started about a month ago. She came down after going to bed saying she was scared she was going to die in her sleep.

Reassured her as much as I could. She went back to sleep. Same again the next night . Reassured again.

So no more visits down stair but some nights she says what if I don’t wake up. Reassure as I can. Joke more at risk due to not putting socks in wash basket.

Last night first tears in a month. Said nothing else going on, this thought comes in as she goes up to bed. Said she should think on something else, fun stuff. Take deep breaths.

At a loss. Is “jollying” her along wrong? I don’t want to make too much of it and start labeling her at 10. Apologies if this is the wrong thing to say.
I tell her she can control her thoughts, she is a strong bright girl and put the thought away, it’s not going to happen and drop breaths try to sleep.
Last night I asked if writing it down would help. She said maybe.

Any advice appreciated

DD at that age was similar. One thing that helped was the book 'what to do when you worry too much'.

Sorry, meant to say I know it's hard x

We have had this at various intervals with DD, she's the same age.
We have the book advised by PP.
I don't know if it was the right thing to do but we had a lot of time and discussion and I was very open about any questions she asked.
It started as a more general being scared of people dying to becoming aware that it would at some point happen to her. So she'd be upset at growing up as it meant she was closer to dying. Still is but now it's more manageable.
I also said it's normal to worry about it and that lots of adults can't deal with it either but unfortunately as it's a part of life, better to deal with it. And to remember that when someone close to you does die that their body will be gone but the memories and feelings you have for them live on in you. I know that probably sounds trite but it seemed to satisfy her and make her feel a bit better.
I think it's a funny age when they begin to realise that not everything can be controlled and made better. Good luck, it's a tricky one.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

I also mean to say, it's ok to think about it but not all the time so also do the distraction/killing along if it was all getting a bit too deep. Let's talk about it again another time etc...

I'm 20 and I still think this sometimes and it can be really upsetting! I have wider anxiety problems but that's not to suggest your DD does/will. I'm sure you've already asked her, but maybe it's something she's seen or heard about that's made her so worried about it? Grenfell Tower still really haunts me, it could be something like that that's started this. Might be no cause though. I hope she feels better soon 💕

Thank you. She doesn’t have the thoughts all the time. It appears to be just at bedtime. Some times during the evening she may say in a mock dramatic manner “what if I don’t wake up” if I say “oh we’re off to the shop tomorrow”. Like she’s testing the response. I usually reply she’s more at risk of me killing for losing her socks under her bed and we laugh.

Again not sure if making light of it at times helpful. I just reassure, git healthy 10 year old don’t die in their sleep. Deep breath, we love you come down if you need a cuddle, time to sleep.

I think your response sounds perfect for this stage of things. Obviously it's important that she knows she can talk about these things, but equally sometimes dwelling on it too much can just make it worse. Hopefully it'll be a sort of stage and shell stop worrying about it soon.

I remember these worries when I was about her age. I also had to reassure my DC when they went through that stage too. I think it's very common, and will pass in time. You're giving her lots of hugs and reassurance and letting her talk about her worries, that will help.

Thank you for the replies, they are helping

I think your response is perfect. I remember worrying about the same at age 9-10 though it was dying in general.

Maybe use logic to reassure her as well- point out that you never see reports of 10 year olds dying in their sleep in the papers, and look around at the billions of healthy adults all around us on the planet that have grown into adulthood easily and she will too.

Well this has appeared again.

DD is now 11, and a few times over the last week has appeared saying the thoughts are back. Reassured as before and I thought on the mend.
Yesterday and today she has told me every thought in her head, every one. It’s exhausting. If I don’t respond she asks why.

For example a piece of cheese in her lunch looked like lettuce. I didn’t respond. She asked did I hear. I said yes but I had nothing to say about it. My tone was exasperated. DH appeared and asked what was going on. I explained and he said that if you say silly things people will just ignore them rather than hurt your feelings and say that’s silly.

Later I was discussing it with her and asked was it like she needed more attention and she said no and then got really tearful and said if she didn’t tell me every thought she’d die.
Clarified 11 year olds don’t just die. And that she can control her thoughts.
We were going out to get her some face wash to try as growing up. And then lots of tears in the car she’s been swearing at school to try and feel grown up with her friends. I said ok don’t get caught by a teacher, not in front of her seven year old sister and it’s not clever or grown up but people swear for effect that happens. Further tears was I disappointed in her no etc.

Then a mile of sobbing and stories of 3 minor telling offs in junour school and again reassured.

Lastly and thank you for bearing with, she has been fiddling with her ears lately just pushing them in and said it was because she was wondering if a song would be the last song she’d hear.

I am exhausted and head spinning. She is my oldest so no idea if this is normal growing up stuff. Do I just keep reassuring her. She says she doesn’t come down every night she worries in case we get annoyed. I’ve said have we ever got annoyed she admitted no.

She doesn’t want to tell anyone she hates theses thoughts and not feeling like herself. I’ve said that growing up you may not feel like yourself yet or know what “you” is like yet. We are going to talk to DH about it tonight.

Any advice appreciated, please.

I had something similar around the age of 8 with regard to having to tell someone about my thoughts. With me it was to do with 'bad' thoughts - had to tell someone if I had the fleeting thought that someone's car was ugly-looking, or about how I could murder someone if I wanted to (absolutely no intent there! Just the idea that it was theoretically possible was enough). I think it coincided with being told at school that God knows everything you're thinking and that thinking sinful things was as bad as doing them. Hopefully that's not your DD's experience!

I think you're generally reacting in a sensitive way. My mother reacted in (probably mock) horror to my 'murderous' thought and it made me sob for hours because it was proof that I was an evil person for having had that thought. I used to be extremely sensitive about being told off at school, too, no matter how minor it was.

What eventually helped me was taking a homeopathic remedy that I was told would stop the thoughts from bothering me. I'm not suggesting that homeopathy works, but the placebo effect can be fairly strong. Something like that might be worth trying? But in the meantime, reassuring her is the right thing to do, and maybe telling her that everyone gets in trouble at school sometimes and you don't expect her to be perfect or think badly of her if she makes occasional mistakes or wrong decisions (if I'm right in assuming that she's generally well-behaved!).

Jollying along is definitely preferable to showing that you're fed up, but when you do have the patience for it, having a serious conversation about her worries might do some good too. That way she feels as if her fear of death is being taken seriously, but also gets the rational perspective - how incredibly unlikely it is. Also, perhaps rather than 'you can control your thoughts' which she might perceive as placing the responsibility for having them all on her, maybe tell her that everyone has thoughts which are a bit scary or unpleasant or silly (not sure what was behind the cheese/lettuce thing) sometimes? We all think things we'd prefer not to - the choice is in dwelling on the thought or realising 'hey, my brain is making me have these horrible thoughts again, what can I do to make them go away?' Her strategy at the moment is telling you about them, but maybe together you could come up with other ways for her to distract herself from unwanted thoughts?

Thank you for such a personal, detailed response. I don’t think she’d believe the homeopathy remedy sadly.

She today seems utterly unable to distract herself. Or to sit alone even, hoping this is the crisis day and now all out we can start unpacking it and dealing with it. I love your bit about creating a strategy for helping her deal with it. Have done some mediation with her but wonder if that is making her focus too much on her thoughts.

When I was younger and went through a similar phrase, of being scared of dying or people I love dying, I used to have to give my mum three kisses goodnight before I went up to bed! In my head I thought it would keep us all safe from dying, I couldn't give her any more or any less, it had to be three, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but almost a little bit like ocd... It must of been a phrase when I was similar age to your daughter, as it did stop, although even now I do still worry about dying from time to time, but I do suffer with anxiety!
It was just with you saying about your dd saying that she had to tell you all her thoughts to keep her safe,it just made me think how I used to feel similar.
Have you been to see gp, they might be able to offer advice, or maybe a little bit of time chatting to a councellor might help your dd. Good luck with it all.

@Nicecupofcoco was this the start of your anxiety issues, if you don’t mind me asking?

I think some people are more sensitive and prone to over thinking and anxious thoughts. Dd is like this and had a few periods before puberty started where she was similar (thoughts of the sun exploding and killing everyone etc). We did the when you worry too much book but to be honest the best thing to do is distract and get her more exercise plus healthy eating. She'll likely just grow out of the phase although you should be prepared she may be a more than averagely anxious person so it may come and go. Or it may pass and never occur again. Even my very confident, never worries about anything 11 year old son worries about death sometimes. In more anxious kids it can become all consuming. I took dd to camhs but to be honest the stuff we did at home was just as successful. With anxiety reassurance rarely helps for long and often makes things worse as it becomes almost addictive. Try not to reassure too much. But also acknowledge her fears and don't say to stop being silly. It's a fine line!

I used to think I was going to die in my sleep around that age. Absolutely convinced. No idea why.

Yeah looking back now, I think it was the beginning of things, but during my teenage years the fear of dying didn't seem to bother me like it did when I was younger, I had plenty of other worries though and so in my early 20s was diagnosed with anxiety, and also social anxiety too, it's only now after having children of my own that fear of dying has come back, so yes I do think it's part of my anxiety! It really is horrible when you can't control the worry and the thoughts. I hope I haven't scared you op, and that it's not the start of anxiety with your dd, but there is plenty of help if you want it. I've had cbt and a little bit of counselling and that's helped so much!

Well she’s in bed.
We’ve had big chats. DH listened to all her woes with me. We hugged her loads. Told her testing boundaries normal. We are not disappointed she hid 3 tellings off from us over her 8 years at school!
In all instances she had apologised to her teachers etc and we said that proved to us she was dealing with situations well. We are not disappointed in her or the fact that she had deleted (thought she had! ) some you tube stuff she looked at at times she shouldn’t have.

Day by day I think and more exercise, less screens and we wil assess if we need more advice.

The telling us all her thoughts is so exhausting.

You can try allowing 5 or 10 minutes of "worry time" per day at a fixed time. When "bad thoughts" occur at other times of the day she tells them out loud to go away until it's time. Set an alarm to go off at the end of the number of minutes you have decided and she can tell you all her worries. Eventually she should find she has run out of worries before the alarm goes off.

I'm a worrier...however my dad used to make me laugh when I was a kid. If I hurt myself he would act all worried and concerned and tell me ' you will be dead when you wake up in the morning'...somehow I found that comforting!

Got an 12 and 13 year old and not had anything like this with either of them but kids sometimes do go through phases of worrying about death etc especially if a relative or pet has died recently. Tends to last few months before going. So could be a temporary thing though does sound like ocd maybe a possibility too.

I wouldn't get assessed yet just see if it passes, hopefully just a childhood quirk, but might be worth looking into a self help book for cbt for you to read and using some of their techniques. Reassurance is said to make problem better in short term but worse in long term as they need you more and more and don't trust themselves so they recommend not using it. However, I would reassure a child initially but try not to let it become a compulsion for her and try and reduce the reassurance. You can't stop thoughts but she needs to stop thinking just because I thought it means it will happen. I don't know if you could get her to challenge the thoughts herself. Anxiety does increase before decreasing with cbt method but high successful rate and is about facing your fears but gradually easiest to hardest. You can say its just a thought, just because people think things doesn't mean they will happen. I hope its not ocd as its really hard. If it looks like it might be needs a GP referral for an assessment to see if she has it - waiting lists are long. Professor Salvakosis?spelling does excellent books. Hope she grows out of it. Stress can trigger it o anything generally to relax / reduce stress can help.

Does she have a diary? I used to have more thoughts than I felt I could deal with when I was young. Started writing them down in a notebook when I was 11, kept it going nearly every day til I was about 20. Think the pile of notebooks still exists, in a box somewhere although I've never re-read them and not sure if I want to. It helped me massively though at the time - writing things down stopped them from buzzing round my head.

She continues to verbalise all thoughts the poor love, the stream of consciousness is exhausting and who knows if we’re doing the right thing but we have said at times stop talking nonsense we do not need a comment/ remark on every thing said in the house.

We’ve given her dedicated time&me DH to let all these thoughts out say it’s all thoughts about growing up a feelings and sex and if she doesn’t tell us all she’s hiding stuff.