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Child mental health

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DD (10) worried she’s going to die

38 replies

MegCleary · 23/06/2018 08:36

Started about a month ago. She came down after going to bed saying she was scared she was going to die in her sleep.

Reassured her as much as I could. She went back to sleep. Same again the next night . Reassured again.

So no more visits down stair but some nights she says what if I don’t wake up. Reassure as I can. Joke more at risk due to not putting socks in wash basket.

Last night first tears in a month. Said nothing else going on, this thought comes in as she goes up to bed. Said she should think on something else, fun stuff. Take deep breaths.

At a loss. Is “jollying” her along wrong? I don’t want to make too much of it and start labeling her at 10. Apologies if this is the wrong thing to say.
I tell her she can control her thoughts, she is a strong bright girl and put the thought away, it’s not going to happen and drop breaths try to sleep.
Last night I asked if writing it down would help. She said maybe.

Any advice appreciated

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MegCleary · 31/01/2019 17:30

Have now learned she has been saying ‘sorry’ and ‘just joking’ at the end of conversations etc as she believes if she doesn’t something may happen to her or us and if it does our last interaction will be of her saying something bad or mean. They are often not bad or mean just sentences. But her worry ‘bully’ as we have named it tells her she must keep saying it or something bad will happen to her or us.

She says she has stopped saying her night time chants to keep us safe.
Now I am looking for advice on how to tackle this one do we keep reminding her it’s a worry to put in her box.
Currently it feels like we question every sentance she says and it’s a worry.

The sorry and just joking are like a reflex at present and she can barely tell if it’s a worry or a genuine sorry.

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defnotadomesticgoddess · 31/01/2019 17:39

She sounds very similar to my dd who has OCD. It’s all about feeling bad about themselves, having instrusive thoughts and attaching meaning to them (whereas the rest of us can dismiss them), then doing something to make that thought go away , which could be seeking reassurance, avoiding, doing a physical compulsion etc. Have a look at ocd action and ocd uk to see if you think that might be the same for your daughter. It’s an anxiety disorder, treatable with the right support.

defnotadomesticgoddess · 31/01/2019 17:41

There are lots of things you can do to help her, professional support may be needed too. It’s good you’re aware of it and she talks to you about it.

Runningintothesunset · 31/01/2019 17:44

Your 17.30 post sounds like a lot of the classic signs of OCD I’m afraid. Time to book a double appointment with the GP and push hard for some help. If you have the means I’d be tempted to try and get some private help as soon as you can. Wishing you all well for dealing with this.

defnotadomesticgoddess · 31/01/2019 17:44

Also good that you have an opportunity to get her help before she reaches the teenage years, when it’s harder to get them to engage with therapy (not impossible but more of a challenge)

MegCleary · 31/01/2019 18:29

In the meantime, while laying the groundwork towards more formal help, do we encourage her to try and stop the sorry and just joking phrases?

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defnotadomesticgoddess · 31/01/2019 18:56

Mmm I’m not sure about that until she has support. There’s also the whole thing of “Dont think of a white polar bear, all you will be able to think of us a white polar bear”. Until you get help I would do things that build her self esteem/self worth - things she enjoys doing, go back to basics help her sleep, eat well & exercise a bit- but don’t mention it’s because of her anxiety. Those things really help.

defnotadomesticgoddess · 31/01/2019 18:59

Oh and I kept notes of how she was every day so when we got help I could tell them everything - (& also because my memory is terrible!)

SconesandTea · 28/03/2019 09:37

I was a bit like this. It's very much the primitive worry brain!

Engaging in activities that are gently creative, physical or emotionally engaging, without too much mental effort. Also planning and achieving a goal - shopping, cooking and following a recipe is a great activity. This uses the innate problem solving skills of worriers and builds self esteem. Keeping the mind busy, connecting body and mind (sport, relaxation etc.), making sure she's not over stimulated.

Pay attention to the tone and volume rather than content of what she says, and ask curious questions so she can understand what she means and how important it is to her. Work on the way to express feelings e.g. if you are annoyed, hurt, what to do if you realise you made a mistake (it doesn't always have to be an apology - could be making amends) etc. Is she old enough to know what sarcasm is - this is funny and socially appropriate (but it should never be used to belittle or exclude someone). Also try empathy "I can see it feels this way for you, how can we help", "I feel sad that you are feeling this way, how can I help you", even "I can see you have a different way of looking at things".

It may be that she isn't remembering the strategies yet, the more you can associate these with physical actions will help.

You are doing so well to work through this with her.

joinedjustfordw · 31/03/2019 18:45

This definitely sounds like OCD. I think it’s worth taking her to a GP. As much as I appreciate and commend your efforts to help her, without input from someone professionally trained to help her it’s only going to get worse and worse over time.

FloatingthroughSpace · 31/03/2019 19:04

I remember being terrified of being struck by lightning at that age. My dad said "well, if you were, you would know absolutely nothing about it". It was weirdly comforting. Dying in your sleep is the same. It is incredibly unlikely to happen at that age, but also absolutely the best way to go. You drift off to sleep in the normal way and that is it. You would never even know.

I agree it sounds like the start of intrusive thoughts but I wonder if in the meantime a different approach from reassuring her it won't happen, to telling her that it won't happen but if it did she would be none the wiser, might help?

Lougle · 31/03/2019 19:15

My DD3 has been like this since she was 8, on and off (she's just about to turn 10). I found that trying to reassure her that she "won't die" was really futile, because she's a clever girl and she knows that some children do die.

So, I took the opposite approach and said that yes, some children do die, and we don't know why, but they do. Sometimes because they've been very ill, or other times because they've had an accident. It's very, very sad when that happens, but most children don't die, because that's how she knows so many adults. They were all children once.

Then we went on to talk about if you spend all day worrying about dying, what's the point of being alive? You're wasting your day. We'll all die one day, but we have to use the life have well. (It helps here that DD has a faith, so we linked into Bible verses about God looking after you and knowing all your days).

Now, DD3 recognises triggers for those thoughts. It's usually tiredness, and she'll say "Mum, I need to go to bed quickly, because I'm really tired and I can feel those thoughts are going to come."

I do think she is vulnerable to OCD, tbh. She washes her hands too much and has to apply hands cream because they dry out, after a "germ busters" session in year R made a real impression on her. She checks if we've washed our hands before we cook, and tells me if someone doesn't wash their hands after the toilet.

She's also fastidious about her hair and, at one point, was using 7 hair bands to tie her hair up so that it was perfectly pulled back and straight. It would take her about 30 minutes to do her hair. I totally lost it with her one day and said it had to stop, and she weaned herself down gradually, to 4, then 3 bands. Now she'll usually use 2 bands.

She over ate at her grandparents and was sick one night, and ever since she leaves food on her plate 'in case I get ill again'.

Overall, though, the 'dying' thing does fade and come back.

MegCleary · 05/04/2019 17:38

To update and thank all for the support. Seen by psychiatrist and has OCD. Starting CBT soon. Since the diagnosis and advice not to try and deal with compulsions individually she’s more settled, a bit less tense. Compulsions change but fingers crossed CBT helps her.

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