I just had to physically carry my 12 year old daughter to the car to get her to go to school....

[Largemelons]

She's suffering from anxiety and is refusing. She's always been anxious and sad but never like she's been the past few weeks.
I'm feeling so much pressure from the school to get her there as her attendance has dropped below 90%.
We are under CAHMS who say she has anxiety but a lot of it is separation anxiety and we need to try and make her go.
She's definitely not being bullied. Every single teacher has said she always seems happy at school and they're really surprised.
She doesn't have loads of friends but the ones she has are lovely.
I'm just broken. She took an overdose last year as she was that desperate not to go to school.
If I send her I'm a shit parent and she hates me.
If I do t send her I'm a shit parent who is mollycoddling her.
Apparently.
DH thinks it's cut and dry. She has to go.
Any experience?
She starts counselling with CAHMS next week.

She definitely is using it as a substitute for real life. I try and control it but I feel she needs it at them unite. Once she starts at her new school after Easter I'll be restricting it a lot more over time.

I'm in an almost identical situation with my 12 year old daughter. She's been off school for five months now and she too should be starting at a specialised unit very soon (we have a meeting with them next week). We can't leave her alone at all and she hasn't slept in her own bed for months as she's so anxious. CAMHS have so far been no help whatsoever.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Hi fedup.
We went to visit the unit today. It's perfect! Dd even cracked a small smile although she didn't say much.
She's agreed to go for one day before Easter holidays to try it out. I'm so proud of her!
CAHMS were crap for us until she overdosed one morning in desperation. That got us an emergency crisis meeting which got us on the right track.
Her counsellor is lovely but we've had an awful one before who had no idea.
I think they're hit and miss.
Must be hard if you can't leave her alone at all. She used to be like that but now she can manage for short periods.
It's just exhausting as a parent isn't it.
How does your dd feel about going to the new school?

could that be affecting her learning? We found out that our DD had auditory processing difficulties that affecting her confidence in the classroom, and exacerbated her anxiety.

Sorry , just realised your OP was some time ago

hi largemelons, just wondering how your dd is getting on, as i am in a very similar position.
dd been in a specialised unit for 6 months now but anxiety and depression getting worse and it on meds which are having pretty bad side effects atm.

fedupandtired, also meant to ask how are you ?

Hi @Largemelons

i wondered how things went with your daughter in the end?

my 12 year old refused to get out the car this morning and I had to get the dep Head to come to the car and she went in immediately.

Im feel
awful and worried sick now though.

My 12 year old DS has developed extreme school-based anxiety and is now on sertraline, which is helping to an extent. In his case, they believe there is underlying autism which was unrecognised in primary. Could this be possible in your case?

Our son has always been a bit anxious and has struggled a bit with friendships, but we put this down to family history of anxiety and the friend group he was stuck with (and limited through Covid bubbles) being quite toxic. We queried autism specifically with his primary school support staff and they saw no signs. We’ve been told it’s quite common for girls and intelligent boys to be able to mask so successfully that traits aren’t detectable until high school, where the uptick in social demand and sensory demands shoot up and they can no longer cope.

We’ve been fortunate to access a private psychiatrist who has helped us navigate seemingly having a different child over the course of a few weeks. She urged us to focus on the anxiety as a mental illness which may be underpinned by autism - so the thing we need to focus on is the anxiety , but understanding there may be sensory / neuro developmental aspects may help understand the nature of his difficulties and why standard responses (ie just toughen up) may not work.

On forcing, she said avoiding did make things worse in terms of anxiety and that it should always be on the table that today we go to school. However in cases of extreme anxiety just pushing though can be more harmful, especially if there is ND underpinning, so she encouraged us to avoid forcing but continually encourage. This has worked for us as he has been able - with the support of medication - to start setting his own goals and working though them. So we are his supports with recovery - we’re both fighting the anxiety instead of fighting against each other to force him in.

We’re very lucky to have a supportive school managing a partial timetable and providing a lot of support within the school, and I can’t imagine the pressure if school weren’t taking this approach. I really feel for your situation.

I feel for you. My dd is going through depression and extreme anxiety and while she doesn’t mind school she does miss a lot with the anxiety as she can feel shaky. Our school is ok like that and say they’ll be guided by my daughter. It worries me kids have to try to commit suicide to get the treatment they need! My dd major anxiety is there being nothing after life and of dying. We’re trying sertraline just now day 2. She’s still in tears but is taking a thankful nap just now. She has autism and ADHD and overthinks! Why are so many children struggling? I hope the new unit you talk of helps.

ive experienced this and my heart breaks for you as it’s so hard. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel most weeks. We also went to camhs, not sure if they’ll try and put her in group cbt but if they do I would ask for 1:1. It helped my son but he’s 14 now and still going through short anxious cycles. I’ve got him at the gp soon and am going to push to get him tested for ASD. Supportive schools make all the difference here, if there’s a senco unit ask for a meeting with the head and her head of year. Mine actually approached me and they put him onto the same
pathways they use for diagnosed ASD/adhd etc which has really helped.