I just had to physically carry my 12 year old daughter to the car to get her to go to school....

[Largemelons]

She's suffering from anxiety and is refusing. She's always been anxious and sad but never like she's been the past few weeks.
I'm feeling so much pressure from the school to get her there as her attendance has dropped below 90%.
We are under CAHMS who say she has anxiety but a lot of it is separation anxiety and we need to try and make her go.
She's definitely not being bullied. Every single teacher has said she always seems happy at school and they're really surprised.
She doesn't have loads of friends but the ones she has are lovely.
I'm just broken. She took an overdose last year as she was that desperate not to go to school.
If I send her I'm a shit parent and she hates me.
If I do t send her I'm a shit parent who is mollycoddling her.
Apparently.
DH thinks it's cut and dry. She has to go.
Any experience?
She starts counselling with CAHMS next week.

Large schools are under terrible pressure with regards to attendance.Do not fool yourself into thinking they have your daughter's best interests at heart.First and foremost they will be seeing any absence as a drain on their attendance figures possibly affecting their OFSTED rating that is primarilythe reason they want your daughter to attend and the reason why they intimate you are too soft.

I've just messaged my lovely dd1 who is in sixth form and she's going to pop in and check on her if she's still working in the house block.

"Do not fool yourself into thinking they have your daughter's best interests at heart.First and foremost they will be seeing any absence as a drain on their attendance figures possibly affecting their OFSTED rating"

Please don't listen to this, OP, it's not true. Some schools are crap- some are amazing. You have to use your judgement about which your school is.

Bertrand do you honestly think that a school that advises physically forcing a child to get in the car has their best interests at heart? Dd's school might be crap but even they wouldn't recommend this.

Actually dd's school probably isn't crap they just are a bit shortsighted and don't always remember to stick to the agreed plan which causes no end of anxiety in an already anxious child.

I was your DD a 15 years ago. I even attempted suicide at age 12 too.

Forcing her to go is the best thing imo. Be kind and patient and reward her going in and doing a whole day, keep communicating on a deep level and let her say all she needs too (it's exhausting I know) cahms are crap, if you can try private therapy, depending on area it's about £50 a session, seeing a human givens therapist privately was the only thing that helps me manage my anxiety, I had six sessions initially and now just go as and when. Don't rule out medication, sertraline has saved my life, it is trail and error with dosage etc but it's worth finding one that works. Try confidence and self esteem building Activites one on one with her during free time. Let her see that she is more than her anxiety.

Lying in bed is the easy way out (I missed 18 months of school in my mid teens) it didn't help, it was a symptom not the cause, so don't get distracted by the actual school thing, it's just one thing she has control over that she can use to show you how awful she's feeling. (This only applies if you're 100% sure she isn't being bullied! I never was and always had friends, still didn't want to be there!)

Thanks all.
I'd bite their hands off if they offered me medication. It saved my life too.
Can a gp prescribe meds for that age or only a psychiatrist?
Dd1 has been to the house block and reported that dd2 is in her lessons now.
She had a chat with the supervisor and explained she was always there if they needed her,
She's a diamond that one.

You should look into herbal medications for anxiety, like hops, valerian, 5-htp, St John's Wort etc, it's all fine for children. In Germany doctors prescribe it.

Thanks miss.
I'm going to get her some herbal kalms or something. If nothing else the placebo effect will work well for her o think.

The doctor will be able to prescribe anti anxiety medication if it's appropriate. Please be careful about the herbal stuff-most of it doesn't work, and the stuff that does should be treated with the same caution as pharmaceuticals.

Okay. Have been through some of this but not to the extent of the school refusing. DD was depressed and anxious and in a vicious circle. It isn't something they can just snap themselves out of or can be snapped out of.

You need to take control here of school and CAMHS/GP. If she attempted suicide there should have been a formal psychiatric assessment. As to see it and insist on an agreed care plan. If it wasn't done ask why not and for a copy of the Trust's protocols. If there's an issue phone up the commissioners and ask what the procedures are. Attempted suicide at 12 sounds like tier 3 and the cigs should be turning relatively quickly. If they aren't email CEO and commissioner, note your daughter is escalating and that you will be disappointed if there is further escalation after x weeks or months in the system after a suicide attempt and no assessment by a psychiatrist.

When she has had some counselling and possibly when some anti-depressant therapy has started she will start to feel better and be able to reflect better about the causes and to identify and explain them to you.

She might just not have settled into this school but needs some proper clinical help to turn it round. She isn't well; you wouldn't drag a child in physical pain to school so don't do it toba child in mental anguish. Persuade, encourage, cajole, yes - force no.

And it isn't your fault MH services for adolescents is in a,worse state than for adults and CAMHS seems to exist so staff can have multidisciplinary tea parties at their convenience rather than provide useful interventions when they are needed.

She needs a psychiatric assessment. Either fight tooth and nail for it or if you can, pay for it. But don't fight your daughter. It's a shocking system.

I had to answer this because it was exactly me 10 years ago (your daughter). For me there was an underlying reason, so trust your instincts and keep an eye on her. My advice to you would be change her school if she thinks it will help, keep at it with camhs and talk to her as well, if she seems reluctant keep encouraging her don't give up with it, try the herbal stuff, it helped me even if it was only in my head and get her medication if all else fails! I've been exactly where she was and it was awful but it really sounds like you are trying your best so don't feel bad. Good luck with everything I hope you both feel better soon x

Beaufortbelle has some good advice too x

My sympathies, it's very tough. There's a very supportive Facebook group - search for school phobia/refusal.

My dd missed four months of school due to anxiety. I physically could not force her in. It was unbearably hard and I dread every day it happening again. We just had to do baby steps, some days she went in for an hour, they gave her work at home to do, some days nothing. CAMHS are involved too. PM me if you like x

Is there any nice thing she could do on the way to or before school to break the cycle? So she has a reason to get out of bed for something she does want to do. Not sure what really but swimming, paper round, feeding/stroking ponies (obvs not in a city) walking a dog, baking, drawing? So that going to school isn't the dominant or first thing in her day. (I realise that as you have other DCs and you work, this could be difficult to organise)

Fantastic has some great advice. She does need something to distract her from the anxiety she experiences in school. My yoga teacher cured her teenage anxiety with yoga, that's how she started practising. Personally I benefit greatly from yoga, I was very stressed last year, but yoga helped. My teacher runs classes for teenage girls. Might also work for your DD?

Yes, I've tried yoga. We did a lot of Adriene's 30 days of yoga together after an early breakfast. Nice to spend some calm time together.

What was her manner whilst you were dressing and carrying her? Passive or aggressively trying to stop you?

I think the fact that she willingly let you dress her then carry her to school meant that she was actually willing to go in (and actually deep down wanted to), but wanted your support and you to know how anxious she is.

Unless she was wriggling, pushing, punching, it suggests she passively let you get her in. Surely the average 12 year old who genuinely was refusing to go in would quite easily physically not allow it.

My daughter wouldn't fight me either but she would be broken by me not hearing what she was saying. Anxiety is an illness no different to any other illness and if your child was ill you wouldn't dress them and carry them to school regardless and school would not ask you to do that either.
Dd went in at 11am again today with the school's full agreement. It is better that she goes in under her own steam part time than it would be to override her,force her and damage her own emotional well-being and make complete refusal a likelihood.
Schools have the option to be flexible,parents can demand that they are and make reasonable adjustments. It's more work and not the easy fix that schools and parents would probably hope for but it's far less damaging to the child concerned.

insanity, largemelons. So hard when they aren't well.

Lovely I know Insanity has been around a ling time. As have I in one or two incarnations.

Your DD isn't well. Please treat her as you would if it were physical. It's a long, hard journey on which mums need help and support but it's an illness and it had to be treated. They don't have a choice and they can't just snap out of it. This was all alien to me a Cpl of years ago and it's been a fucking hard learning curve and a shocking one vis the lack of support x

Beaufort,it's awful and I wouldn't say it makes me popular with school but I will not allow her to be forced or allow them to cause her any more stress than she is already experiencing.
I know that they think that I'm a soft touch and dd has me wrapped around her little finger but I don't care I know her best and they are going to have to work with me.
As it is they have agreed to reduced hours,a reduced timetable, lesson adjustments whatever I say she needs and dd is still in school daily for now.Without that she would have refused to attend at all months ago so it's obviously the better option.
That's not to say that we don't still count down the days to weekends and holidays though.

How are things now LargeMelons? Stumbled upon this thread. We had a similar situation last year and our dd is, at the moment homeschooled by InterHigh. Was the transition to secondary the problem? My dd had terrible separation anxiety and it was horrendous forcing her in every day.

Hi!
Just came back to update a little.
She hasn't been going to school as I ended up saying I just wasn't going to put either of us through it anymore.
We're working with CAHMS and our lovely educational welfare officer who is on our side (as opposed to the shitty house block cows who were previously making my life a misery).
She is hopefully starting a specialised unit after the Easter holidays. She's up and down. I try to take her out when possible. She's agreeable to quiet cafes but a trip to the theatre was a disaster. She can't cope with large groups of people.
Given the choice she'd stay in her room and play on her laptop forever.
Occasionally I get glimpses of my happy, witty and kind daughter but currently it's so rare I get upset when I see old photos of her engaging with her sisters or enjoying herself.
I'm always the enemy. I tell her I love her, I tell her I'm on her side but when she's vile I will pull her up on it because it's my job to teach her right from wrong.
She's just broken.
Waiting on an appointment for medication. Still.
Working 30 hours a week, trying not to let her be left alone for too long (getting family members to help out the days I'm at work)and dealing with her mental health (plus my other children) is so difficult.
But I'm an optimist :) living with the most negative child in the world but she won't break me.
I'll keep loving her and hopefully we'll get there eventually.

Have you been able to talk about the future much? Can you explain there are pathways in life that can be less stressful than others. For example might vocational courses be less stressful to her than exams.

I'd also explore the possibility of really restricting her access to the Internet. It's can be so mindless and addictive. I think some people use it as a substitute for real life Iyswim.