Neighbour complaints while I am managing Mum's hospital stay and care

[GardenPosie]

My Mum is in hospital. I don't know why I'm posting this other than I need to put it out into the world.

She has young onset dementia and has lived alone for many years.

Her being in hospital has been really stressful, and her neighbour came to the door about a week ago to see if she was ok, shortly after she was admitted. I spoke to them for about ten minutes, was very nice to them and gave them a lot of information.

The neighbour since text me a message asking how she was and saying "I thought you would have updated me".

Then while I was at her house, I heard this neighbour and another neighbour bitching about me. Saying that I didn't have the "common decency" to knock their door while I was there and bitching about various other things.

I didn't even think to approach the neighbour, I have been so tired and stressed. But I text them a polite reply and they tried to phone me twice but I ignored their call as I found their original text quite rude. So they have probably picked up that I was setting a boundary after their rude text during a very stressful time.

Now I plan to ignore them or give the minimal info because I've overheard them bitching behind my back.

Neither of them even pop into see my mum but one of them has cut her hedge a bit a few times then moaned after that they can't keep doing it even though no one asked them to and it wasn't that overgrown. This neighbour is out cutting her grass constantly.

They know very little about what is happening with my Dad generally. Their children and grandchildren visit them basically every day but I live out of the area and only see my mum once a week. I can only imagine the other things they've said about me.

Why do people need to be so mean?

They're busybodies and they want to know what's going on. Rude, nosy buggers.

Sorry they were rude to you and sorry you're having such a tough time. Give them all the consideration and head space they deserve, ie none.

Thanks it's just so sad people are so horrible and I am quite shocked by it. They've made what is a horrible situation for my family about them.

I do believe they care about my Mum to a degree, at least one of them does. They're a lot older than me though and I feel should really know better than to judge and be so horrible at a time of crisis.

Things have settled down over the past few days that I might have actually thought to update or contact them now. But I don't want to anymore because of how they've behaved. I genuinely didn't have the time or energy before because I was so stressed, at the hospital and trying to work and coming straight to bed when I got home and sometimes really crying.

people are a puzzlement at times

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Unfortunately some people are
just busybodies. My DM has cancer. She’s part of a local community group. One lady loves to gossip. I popped by this group clubhouse last week. This particular lady asked after Mum. When I gave a non committal reply and referred to Mums wish for privacy this lady told me she was worried about Mum. Has she messaged, texted, wrote to my Mum or sent flowers - she has all her details. No she hasn’t. She just wants information.
Unfortunately some people are just nosey and gossip. You don’t owe them any information and should feel 0 guilt.

Well, some people are just bitching as a hobby

But also... you say that their children and grandchildren visit them daily.

I had to have words with one of mum's neighbours because his attitude was that I should be doing a lot more for her. He helps her out and I really appreciate that. But he also cared for his own mother. He admits freely that it basically wrecked him. But he thinks that everyone should do that.

I know it's slightly different in your case but I think they've done that thing of seeing a family member and assuming that everybody behaves the same way

Apart from anything else, I wouldn't want to just knock on somebody's door. I don't turn up unannounced.

When you see them next, I would say to them that you are too exhausted and stressed to deal with anything else.

I said something similar to this guy and he said to me "but you look fine". And I said well, I'm not going to walk up the road crying. And do you know how much make-up I've got on cover these dark circles? I think because I was very direct he took on board what I was saying. He's been much nicer to me since then.

Ah that is a sad. I hope your DM is doing ok.

This sounds like a similar situation, they haven't handed a card in for my Mum or anything. They seem more concerned about the state of her garden generally than they do her since they never pop in to visit her which I know for a fact from the doorbell footage.

They were bitching because my Mum's cleaner turned up and I forgot to tell her she wasn't in so she asked one of the neighbours where she is. I did actually contact the cleaner as soon as they turned up as I saw it on the doorbell. They were saying they didn't even know she has a cleaner. Why would they know when they never visit her?

Bizarre.

Set boundaries and keep to them. You owe them nothing. Classic busybodies with time on their hands.

Yeah I might do that to keep things reasonably amicable but one of them will likely challenge me directly again for not updating them and I can't really be bothered with that. It's just tiring to have to deal with this kind of behaviour amongst everything else. I am staying at the house as my house is far away and I don't want them to see me when I come and go because it becomes a source of bitching and gossip and that's sad because that should be the last thing on my mind just now.

I need to stop thinking about it as it's not a good use of my energy but I'm finding it hard!

Their lives are sad and small so they’ve got nothing better to do than insert their noses in other people’s business unfortunately.

so Sorry you have this additional stress just exactly when you don’t need it.

the phrase ‘as well as can be expected’ is a useful one for people who are just nosy.

The plot has thickened. I was in my Mum's house today and I heard them bitching again.

This time all they talked about was the state of the garden.

The grass is very long but it's not been cut as the council are supposed to do it, and I've been in a complaints process with them for the past six weeks. Finally they've said they made a mistake and will ensure it gets done. So I've been leaving it to grow long as evidence as part of my complaint.

Today the neighbours bitched and bitched about the garden, said why did my brother and I not do anything about it, went on about how ridiculous it was and how they were sick of it and shouldn't have to live next door to that etc. That my brother and I felt my Mum not being able was an excuse for not doing the garden. I will note that my brother and I don't live in the area, are in our 30s and both work full time, and this whole time I have been in a stressful complaint situation with the council.

They don't know my Mum's situation at all in hospital, for all they know she could be dying. They showed no concern for her or our family whatsoever, just the state of the garden.

The other neighbour also lives next door to a criminal who has a scrap yard in his garden and she's never stood up to him...

I am so so angry.

Just ignore them. How rude and pathetic they are. If they were your mum's mates surely they'd want to visit her or she'd be asking for them?

You just concentrate on your dear mum and your own health and happiness. Those people are nothing to you and you don't owe them any kind of explanation.

Unless there is a homeowners group or something which has rules about the state of gardens, then it really doesn't matter that they 'don't like' how long the grass has become. It is absolutely nothing to do with them. If they really dislike it then they can come over and mow it for her, can't they?

Your mum is none of their business at all. Even if they'd been calling on her daily, she's in hospital now and they have no rights to know anything about her at all. They just want something to bitch about and they've chosen this.

They know very little about what is happening with my Dad generally.

Does your dad live there as well? I thought you’d said your mum lived alone? If he lives there-tell him to call out over the fence that he can hear what they’ve saying!

I’d be doing that if I was you anyway!

People can be horrible. Try to ignore them.

Sorry no, just my Mum. I'm so stressed I'm getting mixed up. They made a comment about how my Mum has let it go since my Dad died. But that's not true, the garden has been fine until this year because in spite of my Mum's dementia she's been keeping it up! Also just a horrid thing to say.

They have never popped in to visit her at least since Nov. I have cameras at the property so would see them. But don't think they'd been in before that either.

One of them went into the garden two days ago though and cut down some shrubs in pots that were actually fine. Never asked permission.

They were both complaining about how they are older and not able but my brother and I use it as an excuse. We don't use it as an excuse, I arranged for the council to cut her grass and have been in a dispute with them trying to get it resovled. It's actually been extremely stressful and my Mum has had several health issues recently so I've been really busy trying to support and juggle a full time job.

Both their families are around a lot and one of them had all his grass changed to artificial grass which is actually not good for environment but we didn't judge and criticise him for that.

Honestly there's a part of me really stressed if I see them out in the street again because I'm not sure I can hold myself back from telling them what I think of them and I know that's not the best approach but I hoenslty don't know if I'll be able to stop the expletives from coming out my mouth.

P.s. thanks for all the kind messages xxx

Tell the nosey parkers that your mother's private medical information is hers to disclose, or not, as she chooses.

Honestly they can fuck right off.
Don't give them a moments thought and don't keep them in the loop.
You go about doing what you're doing and be glad you aren't like them.
What sad lives they must lead to be such nasty people.

You and your brother are going through immense adjustment finding a new normal in relation to your mum. This is the hardest time.
These neighbours must know that your DM was becoming increasingly frail and vulnerable at a pace inconsistent with her age.
They seem to lack any empathy. You would think they would show compassion and concern for your mum and wider family.
But clearly they don’t .
Forget about them going forward.
A kindly neighbour would only be thibking of your DM.

Thanks folks. I blocked their numbers as I knew seeing any messages from them would enrage me.

Theyve since messaged my brother about the grass. Not asked once about my Mum, just telling us something needs to be done about the grass.

They're cuckoo.

I know how you feel OP and you're doing the right thing by keeping the busybodies at arm's length. My mum's neighbour was like that. When mum was in hospital, neighbour looked up my landline number and kept ringing me. In the end I told her to stop and she never spoke to me again. Result!
When my brother and I were clearing mum's house after she died, nosey neighbour's husband asked what we were putting in the bin and my brother told him to mind his own business.

The neighbours sound like a bunch of crackpots. I would take pleasure in winding them up and giving them something to tittle tattle about. But then I am a bitch and I hate neighbours.

I'd be confronting these ass hats
I'd be telling them that their hyacinth bouquet ideas about YOUR MUMS garden can get stuffed unless they are offering
And that you won't be sharing updates on your mothers condition as it's nine of their business.
Sometimes people need telling