Neighbour complaints while I am managing Mum's hospital stay and care

[GardenPosie]

My Mum is in hospital. I don't know why I'm posting this other than I need to put it out into the world.

She has young onset dementia and has lived alone for many years.

Her being in hospital has been really stressful, and her neighbour came to the door about a week ago to see if she was ok, shortly after she was admitted. I spoke to them for about ten minutes, was very nice to them and gave them a lot of information.

The neighbour since text me a message asking how she was and saying "I thought you would have updated me".

Then while I was at her house, I heard this neighbour and another neighbour bitching about me. Saying that I didn't have the "common decency" to knock their door while I was there and bitching about various other things.

I didn't even think to approach the neighbour, I have been so tired and stressed. But I text them a polite reply and they tried to phone me twice but I ignored their call as I found their original text quite rude. So they have probably picked up that I was setting a boundary after their rude text during a very stressful time.

Now I plan to ignore them or give the minimal info because I've overheard them bitching behind my back.

Neither of them even pop into see my mum but one of them has cut her hedge a bit a few times then moaned after that they can't keep doing it even though no one asked them to and it wasn't that overgrown. This neighbour is out cutting her grass constantly.

They know very little about what is happening with my Dad generally. Their children and grandchildren visit them basically every day but I live out of the area and only see my mum once a week. I can only imagine the other things they've said about me.

Why do people need to be so mean?

So they went into the garden yesterday and started chopping stuff down without permission which led to a confrontation. They demanded a timeline on when things would be done. We just told them to leave. We said they needed permission and they said they couldn't ask for permission since they don't have any of our phone numbers and claimed they were trying to help.

Their behaviour is quite aggressive at this point.

If this were me i would either tell them directly or message/write and let them know i have heard all their nasty comments via the camera.
I would also tell them about the councils involvement with the grass problem.
Don't even bother to explain about you and your brothers personal commitments and responsibilities .
Then let them stew in their own juice , i imagine they will be pretty embarrassed to learn that you have heard them .
I hope things work out for your family.

Sorry just saw you updated.

I had this when my dad was unwell from the women he volunteered with. In the end I set up a WhatsApp group I added them to, then I could update them all at once!
But they weren't rude like your mum's neighbours and did genuinely care about my dad.

In spite of us telling them not to go back in, the guy went back in at 4pm and watered a patch of plants with a watering can. I suspect it's weed killer.

You have two routes, OP.
You either grey rock them and just go about your business. You have total band width takeover with DM stuff I’m sure without worrying about a garden. Down the line the garden can be brought to the standard you are comfortable with.
Or, you go after them and use the footage to show community police etc. And build up a ‘case’.
Truthfully I’d leave them to it.

DM might still know who you are and be ‘mum’ for periods of the day. These golden moments of lucidity are special and no one can guarantee how long they continue. Leave the neighbours dispute for another time. It will rumble on.

Send them a strongly worded "cease and desist" threatening further action for harassment if they contact you again. That will give them something to thin about. You can google the wording or use an AI,

Do they rent from the council of a HA? Contact their housing officer and make a complaint.

What narrow lives they need . Don't give them permission. Some people just focus on things and think everyone should live like them . It's not like it is interfering with Honestly it would probably bother me if my neighbour had an untended garden . But I have the sense to know that it's my problem and I have absolutely no right to tell anyone what to do in their own home .

That would be criminal damage

If they bug you again, tell them you heard them bitching about you so you won't be updating them further.

The houses are all privately owned.

I have spoke to the police and they're happy to go round and have a word with them if we choose.

It's just so sad, it's basically bullying people much younger than you at what is a really stressful time for them because you're not happy the garden has some weeds and the grass is long.

I can't believe how some adults behave and can justify their behaviour.

One of them went into the garden

HOW? Put a 'private property' sign up and put a lock on the gate. If no gate or fence, can you instal one? And a big 'CCTV camera's in use' sign.

I'm sorry you've got all this going on OP. The neighbours are small minded busy bodies with nothing in their lives. They are the type to be out the front in the garden bitching to everyone that will listen:
'Did you hear about Beryl next door being in hospital? And have you seen the state of her garden? Her kids do nothing around there!'

Is it likely your mum will be able to return home with carers/support?

Yeah absolutely. We're not sure what will happen with Mum, honestly I have the fear if she goes home about these people as they've really crossed a line and if we don't go to the police what's to stop them keep going in and doing whatever they want with the property? Also I'm genuinely worried they may try to take advantage of my Mum's vulnerabilities now we have a very open dispute with them.

I looked it up and the son that went into the garden again today even though we said don't actually owns the neighbours home (which is his Dad's) even though he doesn't live there.

He doesn't own my Mum's house though but seems to think he does.

Do it. Fuck em.

Do you owe me an explanation / update about things? No. You do not owe anyone information, either...

Please stop resurrecting threads and learn how to use MN.

Time to involve the police, they are not to contact either of you again, enter your mums garden or property, how do they get into her garden. I would let the police tell them the council are arranging gardening but that any further involvement will be harassment.

I assumed that unless there is 'Thread Closed', it is not closed.

Well to update, the situation continued though it was calm for a few weeks.

They moved all the pots from one side of my Mum's garden to the other and I moved them back and they were up in arms about it and shouted "game on".

Then they found out we had a security camera and both the daughter and old man went into my mum's garden to make a point with the daughter saying "look they're filming you Dad" and they went over to my Mum's grass to loudly tut about it and said other things, after I paid contractors to cut it down.

My Mum still isn't home and we've not been at the house much and this all happened in June / July.

So recently they've decided to try to talk and be friendly with us. When my brother was there cutting the grass a couple of weeks ago, the old man told my brother he could put the clippings in the bin. My brother was quite angry so shouted a response about how the old guy could empty my Mum's bin because he filled it up (there's a charge for this bin being taken away and my Mum doesn't pay it as she's meant to share the bin with the old guy and she's paid for half of it).

The old guy also tried to speak to me and when I ignored him he shouted after me "are you not talking".

If they enter the property again or escalate we are going to call the police now things have settled down a bit.

We've decided we will also never speak to them again. We find it very weird they've decided to try to talk to us and be friendly with us after the way they've behaved. We don't feel we owe them anything to continue a relationship with them, after all, we don't even live there.

They are being nice to be the victims, they will say they are trying to help, people like this always twist everything, don't fall for it, plus they know they have gone too far and if the police get involved they will have to declare it. Don't engage with them again, don't argue, just watch your camera and if it picks them up again then call the police. How do they get into the garden?

Thanks yes this is what we think. We think they want us to act out so they can play the victim, especially because this guy is in his 80s. Sorry but you don't get to treat people how you treated us and then get to play happy families because it makes life easier for you in the long term. But it might not be that, they might just enjoy the power and control. I don't feel comfortable being at my Mum's house any more and it's the house I grew up in, they have ruined it for me over the past few months, I won't forgive what they did.

There is a gate. There is a legally shared path on his property, which we have legal access to for walking through and doing the bins. So we actually have legal rights to enter his property but he has no legal rights to enter my Mum's. We haven't entered his property though, I don't feel comfortable to do so, which says it all about who are actually the victims here.

Oh, I also paid a contractor to do the garden in the end and both neighbours approached the contractor to complain about the state of the garden. The daughter of the older man said weve "gone funny" with them "all of a sudden". So they are totally playing the victim.

The gardener phoned me up and said we have very judgemental neighbours.

Well done @GardenPosie , you've handled this as best you could. Perhaps they're trying to be nice because they now realize that their trespassing has all been captured on camera!

Thank you, it's been very difficult!

In terms of the camera it's actually the opposite as they made a point of going into the garden and doing a display purposefully for the camera including pointing at it and saying "look they're filming!". Maybe they didn't think it through but the man had already been in the garden earlier that day and he came back in later in the evening with his daughter so they'd obviously discussed and planned it.

It's really wild. I can't believe they don't think their behaviour would have at least some consequences. You just can't treat people like that and expect people to take it.

@GardenPosie They sound like idiots!