Brothers leaving care of elderly mother to daughter

LuckyOlivePoet · 2025-06-17T15:32:49+00:00

Hi, I was genuinely curious to know if anyone had managed to turn a difficult situation such as this around. Example: [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5150771-sibling-not-taking-responsibility https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5150771-sibling-not-taking-responsibility]] In short, how you managed to obtain much more sibling involvement in the care of an elderly parent( 75yo). I've had to look after her (she has always been a SAHM/can't speak good English/is ill-tempered etc etc) All I read on carer forums is, how the one sibling (usually daughter) takes the full brunt, and that's that. I guess, rather than commiserations, I wanted practical ideas/drastic measures, as I want to move overseas, but being in UK, feel trapped as she has no one else to rely on. I've been doing this for decades now, and I am sure there are many here who are burnt out, from what I see, and am stressed/ worried this will be my life for the next 10/15 years or so (the women in her family live looong). My brothers both live within 90-miles. I'm not on speaking terms with the eldest (the golden child, who hasnt visited in years, of course). Both have kids under 9 between them. Am hoping that there has been changes/solutions that won't cost the daughters more mental / financial anguish, in this day and age (am aware of carers and the such, but frankly, need them to be involved - at this stage at least). But probably wishful thinking :(

TomatoSandwiches · 17/06/2025 16:44

you can't make a sibling provide any care whatsoever. They have to be willing to do it and they're clearly not.

I would talk to adult social services in your local authority and explain the situation of you no longer being able to provide care.

Radra · 17/06/2025 16:50

I think it is more that daughters need to do more setting boundaries like sons do TBH.

I also think that parents of children under 9 absolutely need to prioritise their children over elderly parents.

As an aside, I think part of the issue with sons Vs daughters is that quite often the parents have enormously favoured the daughters throughout. You see loads of threads about MiLs favouring their daughter's children and doing loads more for them than they do for their sons.

That's what it's like with my in laws, they moved a huge distance away from us to be with their daughter, have given her loads of support over the years, far far more than they give us or DH's brother. Sorry but that then need to come with their daughter then coming through now they are older.

IReallyLoveItHere · 17/06/2025 16:56

Do the brothers feel any guilt at all?

There's no law that can force them to care but if they do but don't want to do a fair share you could have a conversation about what they can do eg managing finances online, arranging appointments, doing an online shop, calling regularly.

Its bad, the only way you can stop it all falling on you is to move away. Before you do make sure you've got a number for adult social services and if she needs an assessment get that done. They will provide basic care.

Mrsbloggz · 17/06/2025 17:02

As a daughter your best option is to anticipate that the males will attempt to leave you to do the all work & make all the sacrifices. Then you need to use all the avoidance tactics they they will use, but do it all FIRST and without giving any kind of heads up that you are going to do this.
Play them at their own game, make the right noises so that you dont look like the bad guy but never actually DO any of the menial work that no-one else wants to do.

Viviennemary · 17/06/2025 17:07

75 isn't that old these days, many people of that age live independent lives without the need for care. However, you can't force relatives to provide care, She needs to pay for her own care if she needs it or she may be entitled to funded care. Nobody can force you or anybody else to provide care.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/06/2025 17:07

You can’t make them do anything op. You can only decide what you are willing to do, and do that. You are busy and have a life. They sound busy with lives of their own too. Sounds like you need to get care organised, and set boundaries around you are willing/not willing to do. No point whatsoever in one sibling getting pissed off about another ‘not stepping up’ - they are not obliged to, and neither are you.

TheFinePrintess · 17/06/2025 17:13

I’ll be blunt.You can’t force them to do anything, if they don’t want to care for their Mum then they don’t have to.
Neither do you.

Mathsbabe · 17/06/2025 17:20

I have a friend who was in this situation. As soon as the parent died her brother swooped in and changed the locks on the house to enable them to take full control of all the assets.

Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 19:54

TomatoSandwiches · 17/06/2025 16:44

you can't make a sibling provide any care whatsoever. They have to be willing to do it and they're clearly not.

I would talk to adult social services in your local authority and explain the situation of you no longer being able to provide care.

It's a shame isn't it, and as women, we're socialised to do so from young

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Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 19:55

Radra · 17/06/2025 16:50

I think it is more that daughters need to do more setting boundaries like sons do TBH.

I also think that parents of children under 9 absolutely need to prioritise their children over elderly parents.

As an aside, I think part of the issue with sons Vs daughters is that quite often the parents have enormously favoured the daughters throughout. You see loads of threads about MiLs favouring their daughter's children and doing loads more for them than they do for their sons.

That's what it's like with my in laws, they moved a huge distance away from us to be with their daughter, have given her loads of support over the years, far far more than they give us or DH's brother. Sorry but that then need to come with their daughter then coming through now they are older.

Yep I agree. I think that because their wives do the lions share of childrearing anyway, should, in theory, free up their time more. I see where it's heading (pattern recognition and that) but yes, daughters need to put boundaries down

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Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 19:59

IReallyLoveItHere · 17/06/2025 16:56

Do the brothers feel any guilt at all?

There's no law that can force them to care but if they do but don't want to do a fair share you could have a conversation about what they can do eg managing finances online, arranging appointments, doing an online shop, calling regularly.

Its bad, the only way you can stop it all falling on you is to move away. Before you do make sure you've got a number for adult social services and if she needs an assessment get that done. They will provide basic care.

Like hell they do. I think in some asian countries, there is a law for elder care, if adult children abandon their parents, Interestingly.

Its my house, but I think I'll have to leave her in it and move away. At least she will have a roof over her head at my expense. Talking to entitled men is like talking to a brick wall :/

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Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 20:01

Mrsbloggz · 17/06/2025 17:02

As a daughter your best option is to anticipate that the males will attempt to leave you to do the all work & make all the sacrifices. Then you need to use all the avoidance tactics they they will use, but do it all FIRST and without giving any kind of heads up that you are going to do this.
Play them at their own game, make the right noises so that you dont look like the bad guy but never actually DO any of the menial work that no-one else wants to do.

Speaking from experience? I fear I've pigeonholed myself, when I was younger and more naive. I think fleeing to another country to live might be my best option (providing a house for her, ofc) 😡

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Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 20:03

Viviennemary · 17/06/2025 17:07

75 isn't that old these days, many people of that age live independent lives without the need for care. However, you can't force relatives to provide care, She needs to pay for her own care if she needs it or she may be entitled to funded care. Nobody can force you or anybody else to provide care.

Yes good point. It just sucks its like this, and still deeply sexist

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YellowGrey · 17/06/2025 20:05

Would retirement accommodation work for her OP? Or a nursing home depending on her care needs. I completely agree with pp that this is more about setting your own boundaries than trying to change your brothers.

Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 20:05

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/06/2025 17:07

You can’t make them do anything op. You can only decide what you are willing to do, and do that. You are busy and have a life. They sound busy with lives of their own too. Sounds like you need to get care organised, and set boundaries around you are willing/not willing to do. No point whatsoever in one sibling getting pissed off about another ‘not stepping up’ - they are not obliged to, and neither are you.

I guess that's the way it is. It really does affect the relationship dynamics. And I've even seen women from prior generations having to do all and sundry for their kids, husbands and aging parents while sons do 'owt

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Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 20:07

TheFinePrintess · 17/06/2025 17:13

I’ll be blunt.You can’t force them to do anything, if they don’t want to care for their Mum then they don’t have to.
Neither do you.

So difficult as one can be wracked with guilt, but you're right

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Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 20:08

Mathsbabe · 17/06/2025 17:20

I have a friend who was in this situation. As soon as the parent died her brother swooped in and changed the locks on the house to enable them to take full control of all the assets.

What that's appalling. What happened in aftermath? What a scumbag

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DemonsandMosquitoes · 17/06/2025 20:12

I don’t blame your brothers, I wouldn’t want to be a carer either. Your anger and frustration is misdirected.
We save all our lives to buy in help and care as needed and let our busy adult DC with jobs, lives, families and children of their own fulfill their life opportunities free of the indefinite burden of caring. The wants of someone towards the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
I hope I don’t do this to my children.

Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 20:14

YellowGrey · 17/06/2025 20:05

Would retirement accommodation work for her OP? Or a nursing home depending on her care needs. I completely agree with pp that this is more about setting your own boundaries than trying to change your brothers.

She has mentioned, to guilt-trip me. It's that or leaving her to live in my house that is in my name and going to live elsewhere. But I see so many women stay out of obligation, from all backgrounds/creeds :(

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Original poster

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 21:04

DemonsandMosquitoes · 17/06/2025 20:12

I don’t blame your brothers, I wouldn’t want to be a carer either. Your anger and frustration is misdirected.
We save all our lives to buy in help and care as needed and let our busy adult DC with jobs, lives, families and children of their own fulfill their life opportunities free of the indefinite burden of caring. The wants of someone towards the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
I hope I don’t do this to my children.

Uh, I've been doing it since I was 9. Am now 40. Older one legged it, then was outed for trying to cheat on his missus last yr, I just hope his kids don't find out, the Internet is forever. But I digress..

I think siblings who leave each other to be a glorified nanny to abusive parents who mistreated them anyway should go to hell. And I feel for all the other (mostly female) carers who endure this BS.

It's not -"who does what", it's the sexist entitlement that gets me. After all, if not family, who else in this self-centered world? Good for you, you won't put your kids through any emotional or physical labour related to caregiving. I myself, binned off that idea before secondary school, because of the family dynamics and self-absorbed nature of a large portion of society. And I'm not alone, it seems.

Just to be clear: most of the other threads by suffering carer-women on here and beyond, have a similar theme: that they have been doing the legwork for decades with no love or support from alleged kin.

Some wouldn't even tolerate this crap for 30 minutes, nevermind 30 years.

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Mrsbloggz · 18/06/2025 12:05

LuckyOlivePoet · 17/06/2025 20:01

Speaking from experience? I fear I've pigeonholed myself, when I was younger and more naive. I think fleeing to another country to live might be my best option (providing a house for her, ofc) 😡

Show quote history

Not direct experience- fortunately I have no siblings so there is no one for me to wrestle with when it comes to these issues.
Broadly speaking I have seen that men will screw women over if they feel that they can get away with it.
The likelihood that siblings will try to screw each other over rises in direct proportion to the amounts of money that are at stake.

MarimarD · 18/06/2025 13:33

Uh, I've been doing it since I was 9

Why have you been doing it since you're nine or for decades? Your mum is only 75 and you are 40? So you've been looking after her since she was 40? Or at least since 50s?