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Carers

Caring for elderly relatives? Supercarers can help

Original poster

Why won't my parents help out care for her mum . What can we do

42 replies

Fishies · 14/08/2021 10:23

Hello so sorry if this is a long post.
Where do I start-My 78 year old nan has a chronic lung condition im not too familiar what it's called but she's got really bad now she's on constant oxygen hardly eats and gets out of breath very very easily she doesn't go out she finds it difficult just to walk a few feet she's not doing great in the slightest.

My aunt(her daughter) lives with her and has done for the last 10 years after the death of my grandad he had psp dementiaParkinsons and was very very ill and they were both the carers. Anyway so my aunt lives with my nan and is the carer for nan, aunt doesn't have great health herself and has admitted now she's really struggling and needs help .

They have just been refered tpalliative care and the nurseshave came in to make sure nan has what she needs but these are not carers that come in all the time to help. Shes also get physio coming along with some other people .My aunt wants carers but apparently there is none avaliable.i belive its because she's the carer the council arnt interested.

So she's asked my parents (nans other daughter and son in law) for help there response was well we have our own lifes to live ! WHAT on earth do my parents do they don't work there both retired with lots of money behind them for adventures they really do not have commitments.

(I have 2 young twins who are in school i would say that is more of a commitment)

Anyway its apparently came to an agreement between them that my mum who doesn't drive and relies on dad for transport and she just refuses to get any public transport anywhere will go over there twice a week to help with washing nan along with my aunt.
I don't see that as helping at all to be honest as its still my aunt that needs to help. Where's my aunt life which she has very little she has no friends in our area really apart from my family and my parents to rely on.

My dad is a control freak he has to control everything and get his nose in .
So I have offered to go over there and clean for them/stay with nan if my aunt needs to go out when my kids are at school. Dads got involved with this saying its not morally right and its a long walk, its 30 minute's not long at all !!
I don't mind at all it would give me a routine when the kids are at school and me and my husband have offered to make a few dinners for them we could take over also really not an issue.

I found out this yesterday about my parents not willing to help ive not spoken to them yet about it but im so so angry it's so selfish and its like the same situation all over again that happend with my grandad when they wouldn't help out because of work commitments. It doesn't help my nan and aunt live in a lot of clutter they are hoarders and buy totally unnecessary things or keep things for ever . My parents hate it and that doesn't help the situation as there constantly telling them to clear stuff out. I don't agree with it but its also their stuff

Anyway I'm rambling but basically whats your thoughts please on this whole situation I hope I've given enough insight and what can I offer more to help them out
Nan won't pay out for anything even though she's got the money and thinks stuff should be free very old fashioned in her ways so private carers isn't going to happen nor would care homes be something there going to look into.
Thank you for reading

OP posts:
pinkcattydude · 14/08/2021 10:32

It’s there choice caring is a huge responsibility and very very hard on the carer. I personally think your aunt and man need to get in carers either by getting social services involved or by getting private then approaching Ss for funding.

Mantlemoose · 14/08/2021 10:39

If your parents don't want to do it that's their choice. Your nan can afford private care but she doesn't want to pay. That's her choice. Much as I love my DM when she needs care she'll have to pay for it because I won't be doing it and I will be doing the same when my time comes.

MoreAloneTime · 14/08/2021 10:44

Not everyone has it in them to be a good carer and caring for family can be much harder than caring as a job. You can't make anyone want to do this. If your nan has the money for carers then it's up to her to use it.

msbevvy · 14/08/2021 10:45

Whilst it would be nice if your parents would help a big part of the problem is your Nan's refusal to pay for carers when you say she can afford it. Maybe your parents think that she should be doing this, hence the reluctance to get involved.

This doesn't excuse their attitude though, especially your father trying to stop you from helping when you're quite happy to do so.

Your Nan must have had a terrible time looking after her husband for all those years, PSP is an awful illness.

And your poor Aunt deserves all the support she can get.

PermanentTemporary · 14/08/2021 10:45

I wouldn't dismiss this issue of there 'not being carers'. Sometimes that's true and sometimes it's not- it's possible that your aunt or your nan have turned down council carers or that the care agency required them to do something about the hoarding as it wouldn't be safe for carers to go in, and they've refused.

Your parents may be selfish or they may have long experience of offering help which is turned down or resented. They may have a difficult relationship in the background. They may be worried that you are offering a level of help that you can't sustain with young children and are trying to protect you.

It is very good news that palliative care are involved. Probably a very helpful thing would be to get your nan's permission for you and your parents to talk to thepalluaruve care team and her GP and get their perspective.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 14/08/2021 10:46

I really feel for your aunt! Unfortunately if your Nan has enough money that she's not entitled to more free care, a tricky but honest conversation needs to be had. If your aunt got so unwell she couldn't do anything, what would happen then?
Your contributions sound lovely...shame about your parents attitude overall Confused

GooseberryJam · 14/08/2021 10:48

Nan won't pay out for anything even though she's got the money and thinks stuff should be free very old fashioned in her ways

This is the issue. Can you team up with your aunt to say this is too much for her, and after your aunt looking after her for so long, it's only fair that she pays for some more help now.

It's frustrating that your parents won't help, but you're probably flogging a dead horse there. If the money is there to pay for help it should be used.

FleasInMyKnees · 14/08/2021 10:49

Sorry to hear about your nan, if she has been referred to palliative care she may be able to get free care through the fast track system she can ask the nurse about this.

namechange30455 · 14/08/2021 10:50

Do you not think your nan is also being a bit selfish expecting her daughters to drop everything in their own lives rather than pay for the help she needs, which it sounds like she could do very easily?

I wouldn't want to put my kids through that tbh.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/08/2021 10:52

Have you offered assistance?

FleasInMyKnees · 14/08/2021 10:55

It must be hard for your aunt, especially as she is in poor health herself, the money is there for carers, they can apply for attendance and carers allowance and look at what help is available. What happens as nan continues to be unwell, and needs more and more help.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2021 10:56

@MrsSkylerWhite

Have you offered assistance?
OP has said quite clearly that she will go and do a bit of cleaning and take some meals over.
NinaBallerinaShoes · 14/08/2021 10:56

Caring for an elderly relative is a huge commitment and I don’t blame your parents for not getting involved. Your Nan has money to pay for professional help. Try and persuade her to spend it now to enable her to stay in her home. As she becomes more frail and vulnerable, there will come a time when she will either be admitted to hospital and then moved to a care home - or her carers will do a risk assessment and advise 24 care in a suitable home.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2021 10:57

Your nan really needs to pay for carers to come in and support her rather than relying on your aunt. Your DP are not the ones in the wrong here.

BoredZelda · 14/08/2021 11:00

My mum stepped in to care for my grandma. It did so much damage to her physical and mental health, and her relationship with her siblings, and her relationship with my dad.

I wish she hadn’t have done it.

MeadowBrown · 14/08/2021 11:03

By any chance does your mum have anxiety that she tries to cover up? I know a middle-aged couple who appear to have a lot of time on their hands, are retired & comfortably off etc and it looks very selfish of them when they always refuse requests to help or volunteer. But what the extended family don't know is that the wife is highly anxious and dependent on her DH to go out. He's worn out and it kind of consumes all their energy just managing it. I've seen her meltdowns at first hand though when we've tried to go on holiday, so you would probably already have recognised it in your own parents.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/08/2021 11:04

ApolloandDaphne

MrsSkylerWhite
Have you offered assistance?

OP has said quite clearly that she will go and do a bit of cleaning and take some meals over.“

Yes she had, I obviously didn’t read properly.

In which case, there’s not really anything else that she can do. People can’t be compelled to help.

I would understand if her parents’ were frustrated that grandmother won’t pay for additional care though. My MIL has plenty of money but refuses to spend any on help or aids to make life easier. She insists that she wants to leave it to her 3 children. None of them really need it, live distances away with families, full time jobs and in one case serious illness and would much rather she spent it on her own quality of life than worrying themselves silly when she doesn’t answer the phone (after a series of strokes and heart issues).

Bagelsandbrie · 14/08/2021 11:04

No idea whatsoever is this is in any way what’s going on but do you really know the backstory between your Mum and her Mum? I ask because my Mum was abusive to me as a child (she had schizophrenia and used to shout at me etc etc) although I never told anyone this - especially my own daughter who went on to have a good relationship with my Mum as her Grandchild. All very messy. Anyway, when my Mum developed terminal bowel cancer a lot of people judged me very harshly for not doing more for her - I did visit everyday but due to our history and my own disabilities I didn’t want to do more than that and certainly wouldn’t have her live with us. We had her assessed by NHS continuing healthcare and she went to a nursing home / hospice. What I’m trying to say is there may be reasons your Mum doesn’t want to do more but she may not want to tell you.

Jerseygirl12 · 14/08/2021 11:06

Could you help your aunt arrange carers? I think that’s the best solution.

Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2021 11:07

It’s up to them, nobody has to be a Carer.
Your Grandma could pay for people to come in but won’t, just bear that in mind as you see your Aunt struggling and you get angry with your parents

FrippEnos · 14/08/2021 11:09

There maybe a background story to this that you are not aware of.

Sometimes nice grandparents were not the best parents.

and you have already said that she won't spend money on her own care wanted her children to do it.

geekchicz · 14/08/2021 11:14

My mother resisted help then carers and respite care all down the line .only now she is in a care home She expected me to do it . Each level of self funded increased care kicked in when we had a crisis usually a hospital admission . I had financial poa which means I could access her funds to self fund her care. I had to withdraw at times to protect my mental health and my family as my mothers dementia meant she believed there was absolutely nothing wrong with her . The situation sounds complex - your aunt needs poa ASAP . Elder care is not for the faint hearted . If your nan is above the threshold social services aren’t interested unless she is deemed at risk . Beware though the system is overloaded and broke. Your parents are actually doing the right thing by refusing to enable care by stepping in. There are all sorts of legalities to consider and elder care is a bit more than doing a bit of shopping or running the hoover round whilst granny dozes gently in the chair . Sorry you’re in this situation .

HerMammy · 14/08/2021 11:31

I was. dry sympathetic u til the end when you start your nan has the funds but expects care to be free!!
What is the point of having money and selfishly expecting family to do the job, end of life care is incredibly difficult and exhausting.
Yes your dad sounds pretty horrible and it’s none of his business if you can choose to help but your nan and aunt need to sort themselves out regards hoarding and care.

HerMammy · 14/08/2021 11:31

very not dry

geekchicz · 14/08/2021 11:37

My problem was that there was literally no one else to help being the only daughter of an older mother with me also having children late in life too . I had to sort out loads of crises with a newborn & a primary aged in tow . It’s been horrendous. And has had deep impact on our all our lives . My mother was frightened and obstinate . It went to what you call a best interests meeting to put in proper care at a cost that run into tens of thousands which is what it costs . Lots of people swear they won’t put their children through it but they do I will have an advance directive written .